Archive for the ‘Christmas Week’ Category

Ruining Christmas for the Happy Holidays

Wednesday, December 25th, 2013

Like most caring Canadians, Mrs. Badwulf and I give generously to charity. We give our time, without reservation. Mrs. Badwulf is an accounting professional, so owning and running and profiting from running a non-profit is a snap to her flying fingers. Also, we accept wages, bonuses, commissions, and expenses as meager recompense for our leadership role in this caring crusade. It is amazing the funding from state sources that can be tapped … unleashed with a few simple misdirections on paper, some staged photographs, and trivial examples of wishful thinking.

Charles C. Charlatan the Third is our fictitious leader. He symbolizes the important work done by the organization. All of our volunteers receive recommendations signed in his name. A hushed cult of the personality exists around his shadowy non-existence. His voice mail is always active, and Charles responds to emails, writes correspondence, and occasionally leaves voice messages. His influence on the charity is everywhere, as if to make up for his never existing. His signature appears on grant applications, appeals for donations, and requests for funding. He even leaves fingerprints, if it comes down to a forensic audit.

William Monkey, Chartered Accountant. Billy, as he is known to the staff, is the second key fictitious member of the management team. His signature appears on every document, a veritable bread crumb along the audit trail. He has an office, a business card, and an email address. His invisible shoulders bear the heavy responsibility of being responsible in the event of tax audit or police investigation. Impeachable documents exist proving his timely exit from Toronto to places overseas. Everybody loves Billy, and nobody would suspect him of fraud, larceny, or bunko. As Mrs. Badwulf and I clink our champagne glasses together, we share a smile and practice our response: Where did the money go, detectives?

Christmas is a time of giving, and give they will. Give it up, those confiscated tens of dollars; give it up into our clutches! These progressives are engaged in a value for value exchange: they get their white guilt stroked. Oh, the touching images of waifs, of tears on childrens’ cheeks, and gnarly lap dogs sad without a bone. There are keepsakes for the elite guardians of other peoples money: a touching letter written in pidgin English saying Thank You, a knotted doll made by a blind girl, or a paw print on a bit of kraft paper. How the tears flow; and then the zeros on the check. They give, I spend, and you pay.

Down in the basement of Fenris Badwulf live the people who do the actual work. Volunteers have spotty effort levels. Volunteers are just looking for volunteer hours for various statist requirements: high school graduation, corporate ballsack licking, or parole requirements. Nobody is a volunteer down in the basement. Over time, their skin grows pale: like winter in Toronto, there is no sunlight down there. Their hair is patchy; maybe they should wash … but tap water contributes to Global Warming, so it is better, Gaia-wise, to let them scratch and stink. They make great telemarketers these basement citizens. They will close a donation to get a commission of a cup of rice, a spoon of beans, or a square of cardboard to sleep upon. The most depraved degradations are their familiar companions. How else to further the agenda of raising money to fight the demons of the age: Global Warming, Fracking, or Fag Awareness? These former people never celebrated Christmas, so taking the Christ of Christmas and making them agents of the Happy Holidays only seemed right, er, left.

I know you care. You care about the Thrall-Canadians in my basement. Send me your money. You will get a tax receipt. Ask for the brochure about pro-rating your giving to be in friendly proportion to your tax receipting. Tell me what favors and gifts should be showered upon the basement dwellers. I know you care.

I, Fenris Badwulf, wrote this. I care.
Originally posted at The Fenris Badwulf School of Telemarketing Excellence.

Festive Greetings

Tuesday, December 25th, 2012

Merry festive holiday season to all Mitchievillians at home and away. The Mayor doesn’t have time to jibber jabber, he has a hell of a mess to clean up thanks to one Santa Claus of the North Pole.

The Mayor hopes you have a safe and generally wonderful festive holiday season. And remember, stay away from crowds.

**The Mayor thanks his brutha from anutha baby mutha, The Retired Geez, for the lovely picture above

Pagan dispensation holiday

Saturday, December 24th, 2011

Keep Christ in Christmas, the white right wing extremists say. They are something bad, these people that the Human Rights commissions single out for persecution. The last few years, Christmas has been on the shit list of the left. The ability challenged activists have taken a dislike to it. You can speculate on their real reasons; the excuse is that some sect of leftist voters, tax spenders, is offended. If Christ and his pal, the Lord of Hosts, get offended, they can go crucify themselves. So, good, obedient little tax payers we are, we say Holiday instead of Christmas, and we scurry like the cowed peasants we are as we go about our working class lives, seeking the approval of the stupid, the degenerate, the corrupt; neatly summed up as the cabal of the white marxist traitors. Christmas is bad; Holiday is good.

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The Mayor’s Christmas Message

Friday, December 23rd, 2011

Another year nearly bites the dust and The Mayor is sitting here on the 23 of December wondering where it all went. Every year that goes by now seems like it’s on steroids. It’s Easter, tomorrow it’s Thanksgiving, and 20 minutes later it’s Christmas. We need to face facts: time is a cruel mistress that not even a heavy-handed, alcohol-fueled beating can tame.

Can The Mayor get an amen?

Time notwithstanding, Christmas is pretty great. Sure, there’s not a snowflake on the ground and it’s 50 degrees and sunny, but it’s not the weather that makes Christmas special, it’s the opportunity to spend precious time with family and friends. Or at least family. Or at least friends.

Everything else is icing on the cake. It’s spending time with loved one’s that counts. And as The Mayor mentioned above, time is a cruel mistress (a slut, actually), so you really have to get your time in when you can. Put it this way, next week Clare will be 3 years old. Yes. 3. Uh huh. Cruel mistress, indeed.

For many folks, 2011 was a hard year financially. Despite the government lies, we know unemployment skyrocketed in 2012, foreclosures were rampant, and more and more people either went on assistance or drained the savings they had. Our thoughts and prayers go out to these folks, we hope things turn around for them in 2012. We are all on the same sinking boat, and the neighbour that lost his job this week could be any of us at any given time. That’s a harsh, but true reality.

Anyway, The Mayor just re-read what he has typed out so far and he sees what a sad mess of a post it has been up to this point. A Christmas message should be upbeat, inspirational, maybe even horny. Mmmmmmm, ya, just like that.

But The Mayor’s Christmas message for 2011 is not going to be upbeat, or inspirational, and it’s not even going to be horny (except for this pic, this pic and this pic), it is going to be what it is. And that is up for dispute. Hrmmphh.

Merry Christmas to all,

The Mayor

Did You Get The Present You Wanted?

Monday, December 27th, 2010

The Mayor sure hopes you got everything you asked for this Christmas. Word on the street tells The Mayor that Santa was really busy this year scouring the world for your gift. Is this true? Did your gift include having some banana peels and egg shells strewn over it? If so, you are one lucky little boy/girl. Santa loves you. Heck, we all do.

And To You

Saturday, December 25th, 2010

You know, considering how many people are off today, you would think there would be one stinking booze store open to service us. Man, do we ever have our priorities backward.

On behalf of the entire Mitchieville cabinet, Senate, and all the other little people that draw a healthy paycheque from our taxpayers, we wish you very Merry Christmas. Most sites only wish you a Merry Christmas, but at Mitchieville, we wish you a VERY Merry Christmas. That’s because we care more about you than any other site does. That’s your proof. Suck it, other sites.

The Mayor is eating bacon and blueberry buttermilk pancakes this morning. I hope you are being treated equally as well.

Pass along this message of hope.

Santa Claus Will Be Dropping By Very Shortly

Thursday, December 23rd, 2010

For those of you that leave Santa a cookie and a glass of wine or other libations, The Mayor is begging you to reconsider this year and just leave out a cookie and a glass of warm milk. It’s obvious that Santa is a lightweight.

Christmas – A Time Of Celebration

Wednesday, December 22nd, 2010

The Mayor bets there are a lot of Mitchievillian’s that will watch this and say, “what’s the big deal, I do that all the time.” To which The Mayor replies, “that’s pretty sad, after all, you’re not giving the poor cat a sporting chance.”

And with that, I bid you farewell.

**Thanks to Big Red Kev for the lasting memories

It’s Starting To Feel A Lot Like Christmas

Wednesday, July 21st, 2010

Trying to get consumers to “feel a sense of urgency”, American retailers are starting to promote Christmas shopping in July:

Target Corp. is entering the game for the first time, with a one-day online sale starting Friday on 500 items from clothing to Blu-ray disc players that’s modeled after sales typically held Thanksgiving weekend. And Sears and Toys R Us are dramatically promoting “Christmas in July” online and in the stores based on the success they saw in last year’s efforts.

“We really wanted to create that sense of excitement, that sense of urgency,” said Target spokeswoman Molly Hanus.

Retailers pushed Christmas promotions as early as September during the recession as they competed for shoppers’ dwindling dollars and tried to get them back into stores.

Yup, you can’t shop too early for Christmas, that’s for sure. As a matter of fact, The Mayor picked up this years gifts over seven years ago. June 7, 2003, to be exact.

I’m surprised a bigger deal isn’t made of this and more retailers don’t participate in these “Christmas in July” events. As a matter of fact, retailers need to start pushing the idea of promoting more Christmases every year. We could have our regular ole Christmas on December 25, and maybe one on say, July 8 and possibly one more after that. We could call the July Christmas, “Christmas – The Sequel”, and call the September one, “Christmas Part Trois.” The name of the September one really gives Christmas a European flavour, does it not?

Personally, The Mayor is in favour of exploiting every and all Christian traditions. Thanks to marketing, the peasantry now associates Christmas with gifts and Santa, Easter with rabbits that lay chocolate eggs, and Thanksgiving with Turkey. So having a few more Christmases during the year and giving an extra kick to the testicles of a Christian tradition suits me just fine.

The only problem I have – and I’m not talking about the problem of which AMAZING retailer will offer me the BESTEST deals possible; is the problem of what to get TLDG. Should I get her a pair of kickin’ waterski’s for Christmas – The Sequel, or the set of Twilight Beach Towels™? Hahaha, I’ll get her both, it is Christmas, after all!

The Mayor’s Christmas Message

Friday, December 25th, 2009

christmas_in_july

I would like to wish all the taxpayers of Mitchieville a Merry and Joyous Christmas. To celebrate the birth of our Lord and saviour (and massive consumerism), Fenris Badwulf has decided out of the graciousness of his heart, to include an extra three privilege tokens in everyone’s pay this week. And it doesn’t stop there, no, no it doesn’t. Not only has Fenris Badwulf decided to include three additional privilege tokens, but they are the BLUE privilege tokens.

So enjoy an extra small bowl of prune mush this Christmas, and wash it down with a tumbler of wheatgrass. This is your day, this is a day of celebration.

Merry Christmas.

Santa Week

Wednesday, December 23rd, 2009

flashing-santa

I couldn’t care less whether this is PhotoShopped or not, just the thought of Santa flashing his balls of holly at a bunch of passerbys is enough to make The Mayor giggle.

It’s two more sleeps until Christmas, and if you haven’t bought your girlie a present yet, there’s still one more day to get your sorry butt to the 7/11 to grab a few cans of motor oil for her. And don’t cheap out this year, go for the Penzoil or the Castrol, forget the generic brands, after all, you do love her, don’t you?

Santa’s Pickup Lines

Wednesday, December 23rd, 2009

10. Hey Babe, when was the last time you did it in a sleigh?

9. Wanna see my 12-inch elf?

8. I`ve got something special in the sack for you!

7. Ever make it with a fat guy with a whip?

6. I know when you`ve been bad or good–so let`s skip the small talk, sister!

5. Some of my best toys run on batteries…

4. Interested in seeing the “North Pole”? (Well, that`s what the Mrs. calls it.)

3. I see you when you`re sleeping–and you don`t wear any underwear, do you?

2. Screw the “nice” list–I`ve got you on my “naughty” list!

1. Wanna join the “Mile High” club?

**Taken from Last of the Few Website