Archive for the ‘Christmas’ Category

The Mitchieville Shopapalooza Centre Celebrates Shopping!

Wednesday, November 27th, 2013

The Mitchieville Shopapalooza Shopping Centre is proud to announce that pre-Cyber Friday shopping, which started a little over a month ago, will be extended to February 8 of 2014. Christmas shopping hours which started mid June of this year will also be extended to April 14, 2014. And for your convenience, Boxing Day will start tomorrow, November 28, and will end August 17, 2014.

The Easter shopping extravaganza, which started December 9, 2012, will also be extended up until April 27, 2014. Thanksgiving shopping, which started March 9, 2013, will be extended until January 4, 2014, for your shopping convenience.

Make sure to check out our Yom Kippur specials, which are still available and will continue to be until September 13, 2014. And remember, Tu B’Shevat will soon be here, so make sure you have a good supply of knish and Teiglach on hand, just stop by Jewish Delicacies by the Dozen, located conveniently next to Yogun Fruz and the Holocaust Memorial Lamentation Pond at centre square.

Festive Greetings

Tuesday, December 25th, 2012

Merry festive holiday season to all Mitchievillians at home and away. The Mayor doesn’t have time to jibber jabber, he has a hell of a mess to clean up thanks to one Santa Claus of the North Pole.

The Mayor hopes you have a safe and generally wonderful festive holiday season. And remember, stay away from crowds.

**The Mayor thanks his brutha from anutha baby mutha, The Retired Geez, for the lovely picture above

Happy Anniversary Mitchieville – Happy Birthday Clare – Happy New Year All Y’all

Saturday, December 31st, 2011

So many events happening in Mitchieville today, The Mayor is sure to be three or four sheets to the wind by brunch. By the time dinner rolls around, The Mayor is sure to look like a rubby with his vomit-stained shirt, his pee-hole-in-the-snow looking eyes, and a nose that is redder than Rudolph’s. By 2 am he will be declared legally dead, but fear not, he’ll just be sleeping very, very, very deeply. In a gutter. Naked.

Happy Anniversary Mitchieville! 7 years. Hooeeeereee Craaaap! December 31, 2004 is when it all started. Nearly 12,000 posts and 123,000 comments later and Mitchieville is still going strong. Or at least going. The Mayor is blown away when he thinks that Mitchieville has produced close to 12,000 posts in 7 years. There’s only one other activity The Mayor has engaged in his life that rivals the 12,000 mark. Drinking. It’s drinking. You have an awfully perverted mind.

It has been an up and down year for The Mayor as far as Mitchieville is concerned. From a “hits” standpoint, Mitchieville had its best year ever. Mitchieville set personal records for hits, return visitors, page views, etc, so that’s obviously good. The bad part though is that The Mayor feels he didn’t get to dedicate enough time to Mitchieville in 2011.

Truth be told, The Mayor started a new business venture, and it ended up sucking all his “free” time away. Time he usually spent with family, or writing nonsense on Mitchieville, was diverted to this new business venture. The Mayor traveled quite a bit this year trying to make his new business work. Time that was usually spent writing award-winning posts was now being taken away and replaced by spending time driving the 400 series of highways, motoring up and down all sorts of sideroads in Ontario, and hanging out in small towns. It sounds like The Mayor is complaining, but he’s not really. You lose one thing to gain another, he supposes.

However, Fenris filled in the gap that The Mayor left. Fenris put in a lot of OT this year, and wrote what The Mayor thought was some of the best posts he has ever put up on Mitchieville. The Mayor has always said that Fenris is one of the best writers he has ever come across. Thank goodness for Fenris. On a really personal note – The Mayor has known Fenris for quite a few years now, but this year The Mayor managed to spend quite a bit of time with him. Fenris is a great guy and The Mayor is lucky to have him as a friend. Really lucky. Plus, Fenris is a mountain of a man and can kick the snot out of pretty much everyone with a pulse. And that has come in handy.

The Mayor would like to thank his wonderful readership for coming to this place day in and day out. Over the course of 7 years The Mayor has been lucky enough to meet many Mitchievillian’s in person. Some of you are actually decent people. Some. He looks forward to meeting more of you in the future.

Anyway, it’s only the 7th anniversary, it’s not like it’s the 10th, or an important date or anything. It isn’t what it isn’t, as the cool kids say.

Again though, thanks for stopping by, The Mayor truly feels honoured that you take the time to come here to be abused and disgusted instead of going to the zillion other websites that can offer you even more abuse and disgust.

December 31 is also The Mayor’s legitimate daughter’s birthday. Today she turns 3. That’s right, she turns 3 today. Ya, kinda makes the face wrinkles seem a little deeper when you think about it. Three years ago today, The Mayor had just gotten out of hospital after his appendix blew, and at 11:32 December 31, The Mayor’s beautiful baby girl was born. Clare has been a real blessing in The Mayor’s life. He never thought he was going to have another child (or the two legitimate one’s before that even), but man oh man, she’s just such an amazing little girl, The Mayor is all goo goo and gaa gaa over her all the time 24/7/365 on a leap year.

Clare is a great kid. She’s funny as all hell, she’s smart as a whip, and she totally owns The Mayor. Again – The Mayor is blessed, he knows he’s blessed. Oh, ans she love forks and spoons, as you can clearly see.

Happy Birthday Clare, may you never ever, ever, ever read Mitchieville.

Happy New Year to all. Happy everything! Happy happy happy!

The Mayor loves you all, you are the dysfunctional family he never wanted, but grew to love.

All the bestest of everything in 2012. And stay away from crowds.

The Mayor’s Christmas Message

Friday, December 23rd, 2011

Another year nearly bites the dust and The Mayor is sitting here on the 23 of December wondering where it all went. Every year that goes by now seems like it’s on steroids. It’s Easter, tomorrow it’s Thanksgiving, and 20 minutes later it’s Christmas. We need to face facts: time is a cruel mistress that not even a heavy-handed, alcohol-fueled beating can tame.

Can The Mayor get an amen?

Time notwithstanding, Christmas is pretty great. Sure, there’s not a snowflake on the ground and it’s 50 degrees and sunny, but it’s not the weather that makes Christmas special, it’s the opportunity to spend precious time with family and friends. Or at least family. Or at least friends.

Everything else is icing on the cake. It’s spending time with loved one’s that counts. And as The Mayor mentioned above, time is a cruel mistress (a slut, actually), so you really have to get your time in when you can. Put it this way, next week Clare will be 3 years old. Yes. 3. Uh huh. Cruel mistress, indeed.

For many folks, 2011 was a hard year financially. Despite the government lies, we know unemployment skyrocketed in 2012, foreclosures were rampant, and more and more people either went on assistance or drained the savings they had. Our thoughts and prayers go out to these folks, we hope things turn around for them in 2012. We are all on the same sinking boat, and the neighbour that lost his job this week could be any of us at any given time. That’s a harsh, but true reality.

Anyway, The Mayor just re-read what he has typed out so far and he sees what a sad mess of a post it has been up to this point. A Christmas message should be upbeat, inspirational, maybe even horny. Mmmmmmm, ya, just like that.

But The Mayor’s Christmas message for 2011 is not going to be upbeat, or inspirational, and it’s not even going to be horny (except for this pic, this pic and this pic), it is going to be what it is. And that is up for dispute. Hrmmphh.

Merry Christmas to all,

The Mayor

Christmas Gift Ideas

Monday, December 12th, 2011

At first, The Mayor thought Target was having a great sale on tarps. Then he looked again and saw, quite clearly, that Target is actually having a sale on tank tops. It’s just that the tank top is hanging upside down on the hanger. Nice colour, looks like a winner. Buy it for your wife, and watch her smile go from ear to ear. Seriously. Do it.

Did You Get The Present You Wanted?

Monday, December 27th, 2010

The Mayor sure hopes you got everything you asked for this Christmas. Word on the street tells The Mayor that Santa was really busy this year scouring the world for your gift. Is this true? Did your gift include having some banana peels and egg shells strewn over it? If so, you are one lucky little boy/girl. Santa loves you. Heck, we all do.

The Cup Size Choir

Sunday, December 26th, 2010

If you asked a thousand random people what the first thing they think of when it comes to Christmas is, I betcha the top three answers would be Christmas trees, spending time with with family, and the La Senza Cup Size Choir.

For those of you dinosaurs that aren’t familiar with La Senza Cup Size Choir, allow The Mayor to fill in the missing details for you: La Senza Cup Size Choir is an ethnically diverse, semi-talented, 8 piece choir consisting of ugly, not-so-ugly, and fairly attractive women. A few nicknames of the women include “Horseface”, “The broad that looks like a dude”, and “that chick has a really big ass.”

La Senza produced this video in time for Christmas, mixing questionably decent looking women with lingerie, while throwing in a Christmas theme in order to trick the male population into believing La Senza lingerie will turn their average to low looking woman into something that isn’t so average to low looking. The only problem is that La Senza sucks and can’t perform Christmas miracles, for if they could, the women in the video would look far better by the end of the video, which they certainly do not.

You see, if you have a face like a can of Alpo, lingerie, Christmas music and large beds aren’t going to magically transform you into something you’re not. Only weight loss, radical facial reconstruction and/or black magic can do that. And folks, that’s out of the reach for most of us. The Mayor suggests living with what you got, and even though that’s a mighty depressing thought, people like and respect you anyway. Go figure. Maybe that’s the Christmas miracle you’re looking for.

Run with The Mayor’s message and spread it to all four corners of the earth. It’s the least you could do to help the homely. And as for La Senza – suck it, you tricksters. Your product is overpriced and your models are bizarrely unattractive.

Merry Christmas to all.

And To You

Saturday, December 25th, 2010

You know, considering how many people are off today, you would think there would be one stinking booze store open to service us. Man, do we ever have our priorities backward.

On behalf of the entire Mitchieville cabinet, Senate, and all the other little people that draw a healthy paycheque from our taxpayers, we wish you very Merry Christmas. Most sites only wish you a Merry Christmas, but at Mitchieville, we wish you a VERY Merry Christmas. That’s because we care more about you than any other site does. That’s your proof. Suck it, other sites.

The Mayor is eating bacon and blueberry buttermilk pancakes this morning. I hope you are being treated equally as well.

Pass along this message of hope.

Santa Claus Will Be Dropping By Very Shortly

Thursday, December 23rd, 2010

For those of you that leave Santa a cookie and a glass of wine or other libations, The Mayor is begging you to reconsider this year and just leave out a cookie and a glass of warm milk. It’s obvious that Santa is a lightweight.

Merry Christmas From Fenris & The Mayor

Thursday, December 23rd, 2010

It’s just like Fenris & The Mayor to be working overtime only two short nights before Christmas. Fortunately for the good citizens of Mitchieville, Fenris and The Mayor don’t believe in Christmas, God or traditions. Therefore, the hard working citizens of this great city get two servants that never need take even one solitary day off. I mean, except for the Celebration of Set, The Snake God, which takes place every third Tuesday of July.

Is that a #5 pencil, Fenris? It’s as big as your arm!

Christmas – A Time Of Celebration

Wednesday, December 22nd, 2010

The Mayor bets there are a lot of Mitchievillian’s that will watch this and say, “what’s the big deal, I do that all the time.” To which The Mayor replies, “that’s pretty sad, after all, you’re not giving the poor cat a sporting chance.”

And with that, I bid you farewell.

**Thanks to Big Red Kev for the lasting memories

A Face That Can Stop A Clock

Thursday, October 14th, 2010

The Mayor’s Christmas wish list is now officially full. Forget the socks, forget the ties, forget the cologne that smells like cabbage; The Mayor wants a clockhead. I don’t want my own face to adorn the clockhead either. I want that old woman’s face to be my clockhead. The reason is obvious, too. She’s dreamy ~swoon~.