Archive for the ‘Comedy’ Category

Fetching Travis

Thursday, July 21st, 2011

It is not easy being me. I keep my mouth shut. I show up for work. I am a mercenary for the twenty first century …

The Big Boss was wearing his blue suit, not the black one he wears to funerals. He was angry. You could tell by the way the ice in his rye and ginger made tinkle-tinkle sounds. He was sitting at his big desk, and he had a wrinkly piece of paper … one of those greasy receipts you get from a mechanic; not as big as eight by eleven, a little smaller. Yellow paper with blue lines to guide your writing; some printing on it (the name of the mechanic) and that scratchy writing that mechanics have. There was a black thumb print, too, in the lower left corner. I never leave fingerprints; it must belong to the mechanic.

Damm it, Fenris, said the Big Boss, these charges for an oil change are way out of line. I wanted simple oil change for the wife’s car …

Fenris nodded like he understood. His face was a portrait of empathy. He started to spin the dragon ring on his left ring finger: clockwise. I shifted in the deep, comfortable leather chair I was sitting in, and tried to visualize myself as being invisible to any hungry crocodiles that might be around. I sipped my cold Coca Cola.

… and this, this, this is too much. One thousand, fourty-three, ninety-eight? That is bizarre! The Big Boss took a belt. Fenris began to spin his ring counter clockwise. This is way out of line … useless services …

Out of line, nodded Fenris. I sipped my Coca Cola.

Just look at this bill. A recycling fee charged for the new oil, and the OLD, the Big Boss stared at the yellow paper, like he was expecting the letters to correct themselves like on a trick scrabble board.

Fenris nodded. The Big Boss continued, This is bogus. These people took advantage of my good nature. They charged me for Green Oil? Why do I have to pay a recycling fee for Green Oil? Why does Green Oil need to be recycled? It is Green Oil. Should be able to pour it down the drain if it is Green Oil …

Fenris shook his head yes, then no. Let me look into this. The Big Boss handed Fenris the paper, then freshened up his rye and ginger. I sipped my Coca Cola.

The Big Boss sat at his big desk and punched some buttons on the keyboard set flush with the desk surface. He ran his hand over the white granite, and drummed his fingers.

Hmmm, said Fenris. This guy voted against you in the last election. He voted against your suggestions for the provincial and federal elections, too. Unusual for a small business owner.

The Big Boss scowled, and ate one of his ice cubes. His neck was turning red, and his shiny dome seemed to grow beads of sweat.

Fenris did more clicking on the hand held computer device thing he had. I do not have a clue who made it, just that it was small, convenient, and could access the internet. Hmmm, he said, pausing to spin his dragon ring, He has several overdue movies from the Mitchieville Public Library …

I sat up in my comfy chair, and parked my half empty Coca Cola on one of the Big Bosses white granite tables.

… and, this guy has blood type O

The Big Boss hrumphed. Fenris took some privilege tokens out of his pocket. Here, he said, giving a blue privilege token to the Big Boss, go to the Pleasure Center and relax, Boss. I will look into this problem personally. Fenris turned to me and gave me a red privilege token. He did not say anything. He never did in these matters.

**************

I, Maximinus Thrax wrote this. I get things done.

Ricky Gervais Hosted The Golden Globes

Monday, January 17th, 2011

He took no prisoners, he didn’t play nice, and he wasn’t there to make friends. Man, was he ever funny.

Jim Carrey Meets Stephen Hawking

Wednesday, March 31st, 2010

Who woulda thunk that Stephen Hawking ate Pringles? I suppose someone has to mush them up first, but still, that’s pretty cool.

Let’s give the Palestinians Israel to end world hunger

Tuesday, October 20th, 2009

where_she_gets_her_ideas

I know, easy headline. So is taking pot-shots at the Catholic Church. 

Sarah Silverman, self-anointed Jewish spokeswoman, is suggesting that Catholics should sell the Vatican:

In a new profanity-laced monologue making the rounds on YouTube in time for UN World Food Day on Friday, Silverman suggests that it’s time for the pope to “move out of your house that is a city” and use the proceeds to feed the world’s poor.

Leave it to a woman who plays the Jew card at every opportunity to debase someone else’s faith. Unfortunately, she can’t even make the math add up. The entire real estate holdings in the Holy See is likely no more than $1 billion, according to the article. A billion dollars just doesn’t cut it in the world today, especially when you consider how likely it is any bureaucrats handling the money will take a hefty slice for themselves.

Dismantling the heart of the religion will slowly erode support for the religion. The reason that the Sistine Chapel is so valuable is that there are a billion people see it as a tribute to God. They do not perceive it as Michelangelo’s greatest masterpiece; they see it as the symbol of their faith. The embrace of someone like Michelangelo also shows the ultimately forgiving nature of Catholics, as he was widely believed to be homosexual. That would not have stopped Michelangelo, who did not commission such great works just to cash out on the Church’s dime. Michelangelo invested his entire creative energies as an artist into making these treasures, and they do not just belong to all Catholics, but they are valuable precisely because there are Catholics.

These priceless, to some, works of art are so fantastic that they are considered a gift to all of humanity, and parceling them off to the unusually wealthy diminishes their value to us universally. Picture the Mona Lisa sitting in Alex Rodriguez’s bathroom.

It would be of some benefit to the world if more of us Catholics also took our faith seriously. The odds of humanity producing a Michelangelo (sculptor, architect, painter all in one) is usually very rare, but we can all make a small contribution in our own way to inspire and uplift humanity. If it is done through art, it also strengthens the needs for others to contribute the other aspects of the Catholic Church through charity, self-control, commitment to peace, and social justice. Does anyone remember that the Catholic Church is against the 2003 invasion of Iraq?

Art today is a reflection of the doctrines of today–self-destructive, chaotic, and intended to shock rather than inspire. It’s borne of the intellectual mindset, which has its own hand in trying to destroy God. There is no Mona Lisa of today because it has not been permitted by the art world. It’s the same destructive force that thinks selling the Vatican will generate some short-term wealth and make the very last pope “awesome.” The Health and Human Services budget will be roughly $870 billion for 2010, for one year, and it has no hope of wiping out poverty in the United Sstates alone. Dismantling of the Vatican would simply be its own religious act.

Was she not content enough to be a homewrecker for Jimmy Kimmel? She has to try it with Pope Benedict as well?

Mitch Hedberg

Tuesday, September 29th, 2009

I love blackjack. But I’m not addicted to gambling. I’m addicted to sitting in a semi circle.

I went to the store and bought eight apples; the clerk said, “Do you want these in a bag?” I said, “Oh, no, man, I juggle.”

I hate dreaming. Because when you sleep, you wanna sleep. Dreaming is work, you know – there I am in a comfortable bed, the next thing you know I have to build a go-kart with my ex-landlord. I want a dream of me watching myself sleep.

So, I sit at the hotel at night and I think of something that’s funny. Or, if the pen is too far away, I have to convince myself that what I thought of ain’t funny.

They say the recipe for Sprite is lemon and lime. I tried to make it at home. There’s more to it than that.

The Kit Kat candy bar has the name Kit Kat imprinted into the chocolate. That robs you of chocolate! That’s a clever chocolate-saving technique.

If you find yourself lost in the woods, build a house. “Well, I was lost, but now I live here!”

My roommate says, “I’m going to take a shower and shave, does anyone need to use the bathroom?” It’s like some weird quiz where he reveals the answer first.

I wrote my friend a letter with a highlighting pen, but he could not read it, he thought I was trying to show him certain parts of a piece of paper.

I got my hair highlighted, because I felt some strands were more important than others.

I remixed a remix, it was back to normal.

Comedy Week

Thursday, July 30th, 2009

The comedian Don picked for tonight is the only one on his list that I disagreed with. George Carlin. Don picked Carlin as one of his favourite comedians because he obviously finds him funny, where as The Mayor pretty much hates George Carlin with a passion.

But this isn’t about me, it’s about Don and his poor choice of George Carlin. You see, that’s the great thing about running Mitchieville, I always have last word.

Here’s George Carlin in perhaps his most famous skit — The seven words you can’t say on tv.

The Mayor’s next choice is certainly not for everyone. I wouldn’t think anyone from outside of Canada has even heard of these guys, and chances are most Canadians under 30 haven’t heard of them either.

They’re MacLean & Maclean. Two brothers from Nova Scotia who were dirty as the day is long, but funnier than an old person breaking a hip (??). Both Blair and Gary are dead, Gary from throat cancer and Blair from a heart attack.

I had the privilege of meeting both Gary and Blair at a bar in Scarborough, Ontario way back in 85. Nice guys, the type of fellas that when you meet them, it’s like you’ve known them for years.

All the good ones are dead, it seems. Except for me, but I’m pretty sure I have pig flu.

NSFW natch

Comedy Week

Wednesday, July 29th, 2009

Since I used up two of Don’s picks Monday night, I needed to reach back into the comedy bag and pull one of them back out (in order to have 5 comedians for each day of the week). So I decided on Sam Kinison. Why, because he’s the second funniest comedian EVER. And that’s not subjective, that’s the truth and no one can ever disagree.

Sam is another fat drug addict that died WAY too young. He was the shit. Kinison was beyond great, he made great look average. Or something like that.

Here’s Sam in Dangerfield’s club. It’s old as hell and the quality is terrible, but man o’ man is this ever funny.

This next comedian is The Mayor’s favourite. Yes, of all time. Mitch Hedberg. Another tortured soul comedian, Hedberg was found dead in his hotel room the night of March 29, 2005. Some say it was suicide, but most likely he died of an overdose — coke and heroin, el speedball.

There was no one like this guy before, there has been no one like him since. He was simply the best.

Here he is at the Just For Laughs, 1998.

Comedy Week

Tuesday, July 28th, 2009

Don’s next pick, although his picks weren’t in order, is Jackie Mason. I like Jackie, he’s the kind of comedian that makes you laugh, then makes you think about what you laughed at. I like laughing, and thinking, and I like laughing and thinking at the same time. I like to laugh, think, laugh and think, and smearing A535 on my head and then dipping my skull into a sandbox. There’s nothing wrong with that, I’m unique.

Here’s Jackie Mason’s take on Starbucks, which, coincidentally, is The Mayor’s take on Starbucks:

I decided to go with Steve Martin tonight. It’s funny in a way, but growing up, I thought Steve Martin was the greatest comedian ever. I had all his albums, I saw him in concert, I could (and still can, actually) recite about 95% of his material off by heart. Then in the later years, he started making those Father of the Bride and Pink Panther movies, and all I wanted to do was punch him in the face.

But his old work is still some of the best material I have heard and seen in my life. It’s still fresh, it still makes me laugh, and for that I kind of forgive him for making those completely shitty movies.

This skit by Martin should make you laugh. This is the Tonight Show, circa 1979 (I have no idea if it is or isn’t 1979, but I love the word circa).

Comedy Week

Monday, July 27th, 2009

At the end of Hipster Scumbag week, The Mayor had quite a few constituents tell him that it’s time to lose the geeks and bring in some hot babes in bikinis. It seems the men of Mitchieville needed a little more meaty bits and a little less fruity bits. And I’m all for that myself, but I had something different in mind for this week, so I’ll have to leave that for next week.

Woody, OTOH, has a hot babe in a bikini you might be interested in (and go say Happy Birthday to him, he’s the big 40. And he’s probably wasted from wine coolers and glue).

Comedy Week is a combined effort between Dmorris and The Mayor. I asked Don to send me a list of his five favourite comedians of all time. Don emailed me back and told me to pound sand. So I emailed him back again. This went on for three or four days until Don couldn’t take my constant harassment and finally sent me the list.

It was like pulling teeth, I tells ya!

Don is from the greatest generation ever — the baby boomers — and I’m from the generation after that. I’m not sure what we’re called, *the next generation* or something like that. Don’s a pretty funny guy and I was curious who his list consisted of.

From the five names Don had on his list, I only had one repeat. Sam Kinison. Although, Don has Rodney Dangerfield on his list, and I could have easily added him to mine, too.

For the start of Comedy Week, Don asked me to play this video below. When Don sent me an email and said it included Rodney and Sam, I knew EXACTLY what skit he was talking about. It is an absolute classic, and absolutely NSFW.

Man, I could watch this 1000 times and not get sick of it. Man, I miss both Rodney and Sam, they were as real as the day is long.