Archive for the ‘Craigslist’ Category

Classifieds

Thursday, March 18th, 2010

classifides

Cool, I could use a new urine-stinked mattress.

Women. LOOK NO FURTHER. I Have The Largest Collection Of Glass Eyes

Wednesday, December 2nd, 2009

**This is a pretty great Craigslist Ad

Dear Women

I am a tall, interesting and physically strong man. I am modern and sexy and have a mattressfull of money that was given to me by an old dead woman that I knew.

Dealing with a stressful, substantial inheritance is something I’ve had to endure. Suffice to say, it’s been hard, but I’ve made it though. Thank god.

What did I spend the cash on? Well, I spent most of the money on a very large and valuable collection of glass eyes. What was left I spent on a smaller collection of Victorian lace gloves. People are always impressed when I tell them and normally spend some time with me discussing it in more detail, if they have time of course, modern living being so hectic and busy.

Womenfriends? Glad you asked, Yes, it’s been odd, I have had a chequered past with females on the whole. I think if any of them were still alive now, they would probably all agree most of the arguments were started by them, I like to think perhaps they regret being so difficult. I split up with my last girlfriend because she kept niggling and nagging about pretty much everything I did, she wouldn’t even let me do an intercourse on any of her friends.

So you’re interested? I thought so. My ideal meeting place for our first date would be somewhere neutral in which we can get to know one another without pressure. I suggest a meal at my apartment, might be an idea to bring an overnight bag as there’s a fair chance you’ll be keen to stop over. Put it this way and I have over twenty taxidermied owls that you can view from the comfort of my bed..

I spent a lot of time in the lavatory. I like the acoustics and it’s also where I do most of my life planning and crying.

SPECIAL SKILLS:-

Visionary
Fighting Animals
Polishing Shields
Dance Champion
Balloon Animalogy
Expert woman lover
Specialist Taxidermy
Laughing Directly at Danger
Reading quotes and smugly repeating them
Riding around on my Segway wearing gentleman’s hosiery
Digging and Exploring (Medium Sized Woods and Copses)

DAILY ACTIVITIES:-

The countryside
Going to new cities around the world
Running in the forest at night wearing a facial lantern
Standing perfectly still and silent. Then crying
Closing my eyes, laughing into a bucket and imagining I’m a cruel genie
Walking round London looking at people, imagining their names and what their lives are like, following them home and then expertly talking my way out of arrest from a copper.

**And lucky for the ladies, there’s a picture