Archive for the ‘Emo Week’ Category

Luuuuuucy, Sammy’s Home!

Wednesday, November 11th, 2009


There are many theories why Sammy Sosa decided to have radical reconstructive surgery, but I believe in my heart he did so because he wanted to look exactly like Ricky Ricardo to impress his girlfriend Lucy. Now when he comes home to his grotto in East LA, he can open up the door and yell, “Luuuuucy, I’m hoooome.” And they will laugh and laugh and laugh every single time. It’s kind of like living on Drury Lane. Every day you can say to your significant other, “Have you seen the muffin man?”

Trust The Mayor, those gags are money in the bank, baby.

Emo Week–Friday Edition

Friday, December 12th, 2008

What the hell is the matter with that young lady, she’s going to catch her death of cold. Oh right, she’s an emo, that’s probably what she’s aiming for.

To be fair, this girl actually classifies herself as a vampire and not an emo, so technically she shouldn’t be part of emo week, she should be part of Idiot Who Lacks Grounding In Reality Week

Oh well, if you have any complaints, take it up with management.

Emo Week–Thursday Edition

Thursday, December 11th, 2008

Sure, emo-ism is a disease that needs to be eradicated, but I have to admit, there are some emo girls that are cute as the day is long. There’s just something about a girl with blue hair, pink lipstick, too much make-up, combined with low self-esteem and multiple cuts on her wrists and neck that really turns me on. Maybe I’m old fashioned that way, who knows?

Emo Week–Wednesday Edition

Wednesday, December 10th, 2008

I got a chuckle out of how Chris described emo’s–”these guys are goth’s superficial, less interesting cousin. They’re so pathetic they can’t even get the “dress up like a depressed clown” look correct.” I chuckled because sometimes the truth can be the funniest thing going.

I’m not even sure this guy is an emo or a goth, but I do know he has that look that makes me want to wallop the stink off his breath. I also know that unless your goal in life is to star in a home improvement show or to become some sort of decorator, painted fingernails, bandannas, and tinted hair aint gonna get you far.

Emo Week–Tuesday Edition

Tuesday, December 9th, 2008

There’s such a fine line when it comes to raising a child. If you don’t give the kid enough attention he ends up looking like the ogre in the picture. If you end up giving your kid too much attention, pandering to his every need and such, he ends up looking like the ogre in the picture. In my opinion, the best approach to raising a kid is to pay enough attention to them that they always know you’re just a fist and a boot away. Anything less than that, well you’re not parenting hard enough, are you?

Emo Week–Monday Edition

Monday, December 8th, 2008

From my understanding, emo’s originated back in the Clash and Sex Pistols days. Kids that were into heavy punk dressed up in black, pierced their faces and  became hermits and speed freaks. 30 years later, emo’s are the kids that are right into groups like My Chemical Romance, Panic at the Disco, and other various sundries of unlistenable music. The main difference I see now compared to then, is back in the 80’s, the kids that listened to punk were the kids that would take pleasure in killing you. They were rather tough kids, and really enjoyed unadulterated violence on a large scale. The offshoot to those kids, the modern day emo as it were, are chickenshit little wimps that are nothing more than punching bags to even the weakest children.

I asked this emo creature who works at city hall under some program we have where we have to hire a percentage of unemployable to fill positions that don’t really exist, I asked the kid if emo’s originated back to the 80’s. He/she/it grunted a few letters, but couldn’t actually form a word much less a sentence. So I did what his father and mother should have done years ago to him/her/it: I grabbed the creature by the scruff of the neck, threw him/her/it up against a vending machine, and told him/her/it that the next time I ask them a question they better look me straight in the eyes and give me a proper answer, or so help me Lord sweet Jesus in heaven, I’ll crack their fucking head open like a drunkard on a Budweiser bottle.

Emo cried.

I suppose the point of this story is that I’m a bully, but a bully that can back his words up with actions. Actions that include swift and intense force designed to inflict maximum pain to the marginalized and stupid. You would think at 42 years of age that I shouldn’t be like that, but I really hate emo’s with a passion. They hijacked the coolness of The Clash and The Stranglers and replaced it with such idiocy as Fall Out Boy.