Archive for the ‘failed comedians’ Category

Jim Carrey Meets Stephen Hawking

Wednesday, March 31st, 2010

Who woulda thunk that Stephen Hawking ate Pringles? I suppose someone has to mush them up first, but still, that’s pretty cool.

Margaret Cho–Miley Cyrus Is A Disgrace

Saturday, February 14th, 2009

On her blog this week, Margaret Cho blasted Miley Cyrus for her alleged posing in a racially stereotypical gesture:

In a blog entitled Oh Miley, Cho wrote that she was “so upset by Miley Cyrus” that she thought it warranted a song criticizing the Hannah Montana star.

“Oh Miley; Chinky eyes make you look wily; Prejudice isn’t thought of So highly; it doesn’t make us all smiley.”

Cho also labels the Cyrus a “disgrace” and pondered “why isn’t racism against Asians taboo?”

That’s a pretty funny song, just about the funniest things Margaret Cho has ever said or done. I also have a song, but it’s for Maragret Cho, I hope you enjoy it: Margaret Cho, you fucking suck. Go die.

Admittedly, it isn’t as much of a song as it is my personal feelings on Margaret Cho, but I’m sure everyone can back me up when I, politely, asked Margaret Cho to go die.

It’s a fact that a picture surfaced showing Miley Cyrus warping her eyes. What isn’t a fact is whether Miley Cyrus did this because she harbours racist attitudes towards Orientals, or if she was just being a goofy kid.

Margaret Cho is upset at Miley and says as much when she calls her out as someone who is prejudice. Now let’s back the truck up and look at this rationally. Someone who was taking a picture of a group of kids asked them to make silly faces. Cyrus grabbed her eyes and made them squinty and the person clicked the picture. Cyrus is a marketing genius who is worth slightly less than Obama’s stimulis package. Cyrus would well know that if she had a picture taken of her that found its way to the public domain depicting herself as racist, her career would be devastated.

Then why didn’t Cyrus reel in that picture that was taken of her? I mean, she’s anything but a stupid kid. The reason is simple–she’s not a racist.


Why Keyser Hates Hollywood

Friday, December 12th, 2008

You know, there are so many signs of leftist stupidity in Hollywood that Keyser just tunes it out. But when Keyser learned that a movie about Communist murderer and coffee mug icon for ignoramuses Che Guevara was coming out soon, he had a bad feeling about it. Actually, they filmed so much garbage that it’s two films. (Keyser refuses to give this bilge publicity, so if you’re curious, google will have to be your friend.) Well, Keyser saw something so mind-numbingly imbecilic this morning that even his well nigh preternatural patience with the mental retardation that goes with being “artistic” these days finally gave out. This is what the director of the movie said in an interview:

Why make “Che”? What relevance does it have to 2008?

You Thought You Had a Bad Thanksgiving!

Friday, November 28th, 2008


Well, yesterday Keyser bestowed his Thanksgiving benedictions on his US readers, and he hopes that your Thanksgiving went better than this guy’s: (more…)

Fewer jokes in Obama White House?

Saturday, November 15th, 2008

According to Reuters, Hollywood, and the entire liberal establishment, the one terrible, and I mean simply terrible part of Obama (pbuh) becoming president, means that there will be fewer president jokes told. Why, you ask? Because Obama (pbuh) is so brilliant and smart, combined with his overall awesomeness, comedians cannot find anything about him that is funny.

“Obama’s election is great for our country but bad for comedy,” said Michael Musto, a columnist for New York City’s Village Voice. “He is an earnest, intelligent person trying to rescue a country in crisis and that’s not all that hilarious.”

From Letterman to Jon Stewart and everything in between, comedians all admit that the next four years are going to be void of president jokes. Obama is too perfect, there is nothing about him to make fun of.

I may be able to help, I may of found a few teenie, weenie things about him that comedians can joke about:


Asshole of the Day: George Will

Thursday, October 30th, 2008

George Will the Third, that pretentious twit with the twee little bow ties, is among the crowd of Palin haters. This quasi-Republican is spending the last days of the campaign slagging the Republican ticket, with that smug “I’m smarter than you but I’ll talk in comparatively small syllables so cretins like you can see how much smarter I am than you” tone of his: (more…)

Theme Park for Hardcore Christian Masochists

Tuesday, October 21st, 2008

h/t to inveterate Keyser reader Simon (of Cyrene)

Keyser’s Financial Advice

Sunday, October 12th, 2008

As attentive readers of the Lair already know, Keyser’s been posting a lot about the financial debacle recently, and there’s some pretty grim news out there. Dominique Sacré-Bleu, head of the IMF, was disturbingly quoted as saying:

Holy shit, I give up. We’ve tried everything, but nothing works. Not a goddamned thing. I swear it makes even a paragon of masculinity such as myself want to weep like a five-year-old girl with a scraped knee. You know what I’ve done? I’ve liquidated every single centime of investment I own–sometimes getting only a centime on the franc–and put it all in that gold stuff advertised by that Australian woman on CNN. She kept telling me that all sorts of experts said that paper investments weren’t worth the paper they’re printed on, and I should squirrel away every centime in gold. You know what? She was entirely right, and I’m man enough to admit it. But did I listen in time? Noooooo. [Dissolves into heaving sobs.]

Whoa! That sort of stuff really makes you think. (more…)

“Sphincters of Steel”

Friday, October 3rd, 2008

You’d think that if the cops show up to a burning building and find some guy holding a canister and reeking of gasoline, they might be less than convinced when he points at someone else and says, “Arrest that man, he’s an arsonist!” And you’d also think that the cops would arrest the guy with the canister after they found surveillance footage showing him dousing the place with gasoline and igniting it while the other guy made some attempt to call 911. Is this what’s happened with the Wall St. debacle? Not in today’s America.

Bill Maher Smears Catholic Church and Pope, Still Silent on Islam

Wednesday, April 16th, 2008

The Gollum of cable television, Bill Maher, recently smeared the Catholic Church and Pope Benedict.

Quoth Mr. Maher:

“I’d like to tip off law enforcement to an even larger child-abusing religious cult,” Maher told his audience. “Its leader also has a compound, and this guy not only operates outside the bounds of the law, but he used to be a Nazi and he wears funny hats. That’s right, the Pope is coming to America this week and, ladies, he’s single.”

Catholic League President Bill Donohue responded that Maher “lied when he said the Pope ‘used to be a Nazi.’ Like all young men in Germany at the time, he was conscripted into a German Youth organization (from which he fled as soon as he could). Every responsible Jewish leader has acknowledged this reality and has never sought to brand the Pope a Nazi. That job falls to Maher.”

Maher, a political liberal, has often been a magnet for controversy, making audacious statements targeting religion in general and ridiculing Christians especially. His mother was Jewish but he says that he “was raised Catholic.”

On May 24, 2002, Maher told CNN’s Larry King Live: “I never even knew I was half-Jewish until I was a teen-ager. I was just so frightened about the Catholics and everything that was going on there in the church — and I was never, you know, molested or anything. And I’m a little insulted. I guess they never found me attractive. And that’s really their loss.”

Last year, Maher made news after strongly implying on his HBO show that the world would be a better place if Vice President Dick Cheney had been assassinated. “I have zero doubt that if Dick Cheney was not in power, people wouldn’t be dying needlessly tomorrow,” Maher said on March 5. “I’m just saying if he did die, other people, more people would live. That’s a fact.”

On his May 18, 2007 edition of “Real time with Bill Maher,” the host compared communion to homosexual oral sodomy and called for turning homosexuality into a religion.

“Gay men, don’t say you’re life-partners, say you’re a nunnery of two,” said Maher. “We weren’t having sex officer, I was performing a very private Mass, here in my car. I was letting my rod and my staff comfort him. Take this and eat of it, for this is my roommate, Barry. …

“And for all those who truly believe there is a special place for you in Kevin. And speaking of Heaven, one can only hope that as Jerry Falwell now approaches the Pearly Gates, he is met there by God Himself, wearing a Fire Island muscle shirt, and nut-hugger shorts, and saying to Jerry in a mighty lisp, ‘I’m not talking to you.’”

Maher frequently has well-known celebrities, politicians, and journalists on his program.

Mary Ann Kreitzer, president of the Catholic Media Coalition, an umbrella group of Catholic organizations, called the comments, “a horrifying anti-Catholic diatribe.”

When your comedy sucks so bad that you must resort to smearing an institution that has been instrumental in the development of Western civilization and has withstood centuries of history and turbulence, you have failed as a comedian. But this is not uncommon for liberals like Maher. The Catholic Church is the perfect target for individuals who resent any limitations on their words and actions like killing unborn babies in the womb, pre-marital sex, pornography, birth control, and sleeping in on Sunday morning.

Yes, an oppressive institution, this Catholic Church. No wonder Maher is salivating venom when he speaks.

Fortunately, Maher did not attack Islam or the Prophet Muhammed (who really was molesting nine year old girls) because that would be offensive.

~ Sisyphus, cross-posted at The Sisyphus Files.