Archive for the ‘Fast Foods’ Category

Cooking with Fenris

Saturday, August 25th, 2018

Quick and easy to prepare, this Diversity Menu recipe will make everyone smile! Very rich in nutrients and fibre.

1 cup oatmeal
2 cups water
1 bag shredded cabbage

Mix the oatmeal and the water in a microwave safe bowl. Microwave for 99 seconds, stir, microwave for 99 seconds again. Remove from microwave and stir in a half handful of shredded cabbage. (If serving Connaught style, just make a thatch of cabbage and do not mix). Top up with water and ladle into a dog bowl (to show solidarity with Canine-Canadians). To reduce carbon footprint, do not use cutlery.

The basement people love this, and will even eat it twice a day on those days they get fed twice.

Diversity Menu
I, Fenris Badwulf, wrote this. I care.

Most Likely Trump’s Fault

Tuesday, January 17th, 2017

Just two and a half months after opening, high-profile restaurant, Shaw Bijou, has closed its doors:

Longtime friends Kwame Onwuachi and Greg Vakiner opened The Shaw Bijou in November after spending nearly 18 months building the concept.

The experience was like no other in D.C. The tasting menu consisted of roughly 13 courses and cost diners upward of $300 a person. Depending on drinks and wine pairings, the tab could end up around $1,000 a couple.

The hell you say?

The Mayor supposes that at $1000, some couples might – and he stresses the word *might* – NOT be able to pay that much for a darn good meal. For $1000, The Mayor confirms that vegetables and a dessert were included. Gratuity will run you several hundred more, of course, but where can you go in this day and age and have a meal for less than a few hundred thousand?

While The Mayor isn’t one to spend a cool g-note on some slop some foreigner with a funny name cooked up, he does like to be a pretentious asshole just like the patrons that ate at Shaw Bijou. The difference is The Mayor likes to pretend he’s pretentious because it makes him feel like a big man and he gets giggles and gawfaws when he does.

For instance, if you want to be a food snob but don’t feel like spending $1000, have your wife strap your food plate on the dogs back and have Duke serve it to you. When Duke arrives with a plate of food strapped to his back, tell him the food is garbage and kick him in the ribs. The dog won’t enjoy it much, but it will prove to those you love what an ignorant and pretentious asshole you really are. Just like those liberal maggots who wasted their money at that craphole restaurant in DC.

Whole (Paycheque) Foods – Get Outta Here

Wednesday, January 27th, 2016

Having lost over 50% of its market value since the end of 2013, the outlook for Whole Paycheque Foods is somewhere between miserable and suicidal. And then along comes Kelly Bania of BMO Capital Markets who conducted a survey of 1000 Whole Paycheque Food shoppers. And as you will see, Kelly manages to rub overpriced organic salt into the festering gob-hole of Whole Paycheque Foods (or something like that, The Mayor’s analogy abilities are lacking today):

More than 70% of the respondents told Bania that they had not noticed any changes in prices in Whole Foods over the past three months — even though the company has touted its efforts to lower prices to be more competitive with supermarkets.

In other words, the perception of Whole Foods being a place where you spend your Whole Paycheck remains.

And in an even more troubling development, only 24% of customers said organic products at Whole Foods were “definitely” higher quality than organic food at grocery stores.

Fifty-four percent of those surveyed said the quality of the food was “sometimes” better at Whole Foods while the remaining 22% said “not at all.”

That’s bad news for Whole Foods. If Whole Foods’ own customers don’t think the products are worth the price, then how much longer will they remain loyal shoppers?

Whole Paycheque Foods is too expensive, and the people that regularly shop there are the types of people you would like to beat unconscious with a shovel. There is no denying that. There is no denying that there is very little value in anything Whole Paycheque Foods (WPF) sells, and the store is just another status symbol for those that will be the first to be crushed when the upcoming revolution arrives.

$2.20 a lb for organic bananas? Do they come with a monkey attached who will peel them for The Mayor? No? Then The Mayor will stick to the .66 non-organic bananas he can pick up any day of the week at No Frills.

It’s true that a lot of food at WPF is organic, but that doesn’t resonate with the average Joe/Jane when organic food is ridiculously expensive. Sure, everyone would like to eat organic if they could, but then again, everyone would like to have been born with golden nipples that spew champagne when rubbed betwixt their index finger and thumb. The thing is, you can’t always get what you want. You can try sometime, you just might find, you get what you need.

The economy isn’t right for WPF. Other than The Mayor, there aren’t a lot of people willing to pay $11.99 for a 250ml of onion juice. It’s so delicious, and totally refreshing. People are tight right now, debt is out of control, and places like WPF do not cut it. We are in No Frill’s and Food Basic times, not WPF times. That again, is the truth. The Mayor doesn’t expect a hallelujah, but a head nod would be nice once in a while.

Facebook Bans The “Feeling Fat” Emoji – The World Is Now At Peace

Thursday, March 12th, 2015

If you’re a Facebook user and feel fat, or are “feeling fat”, don’t worry your giant glands for one more fat second, Facebook has banned their “Feeling fat” emoticon:

“As someone who has struggled with and overcome disordered eating, I know what it’s like to ‘feel’ fat. I have spent years of my life consumed with negative thoughts about my body and far too many days starving myself in an effort to lose weight. But even worse than the skipped meals and the hours spent obsessing in front of the mirror was the fear of what others thought about me and my body.”

She adds: “When Facebook users set their status to ‘feeling fat,’ they are making fun of people who consider themselves to be overweight, which can include many people with eating disorders. That is not OK. Join me in asking Facebook to remove the ‘fat’ emoji from their status options.”

And just like that, 16000 signatures were garnered and Facebook pulled the emoji. That’s right, 16000 signatures out of 1.2 billion users, and Facebook folds.

It truly amazes The Mayor how little it takes to offend this new generation of “internet activists.” Anything someone doesn’t like is immediately classified offensive, shamed, made to be taken down, and people’s individual choices are controlled. It’s not enough for this young lady to walk away, not use the emoticon, cancel her Facebook account, or even lose some weight, she had to push forward a campaign of control, to have something as innocent as an emoticon banned because she didn’t like it.

And in a strange way, this now becomes the ultimate example of fat shaming. Now, people who are fat, but comfortable in their body, are not allowed to use an emoticon to express how they feel. That’s offensive.

I Now Pronounce You McMan & McWife

Wednesday, June 12th, 2013

You may now eat the nitrates from one anothers face.

You know, when the two in the picture make sexy, they refer to it as having a “Happy Meal?”

Just sayin’.

Ikea Cakes Found To Contain Fecal Matter

Wednesday, March 6th, 2013

Ikea has recalled a whack of their Taarta Chokladkrokant cakes (Aka Poopenfloppen) after Chinese authorities found traces of shit in them:

The Swedish-made cakes had failed tests “for containing an excessive level of coliform bacteria, according to the General Administration of Quality Supervision, Inspection and Quarantine,” the Shanghai Daily website wrote.

Ikea said 1,800 Taarta Chokladkrokant cakes — described on its website as an almond cake with chocolate, butter cream and butterscotch — were destroyed in December after being intercepted by Chinese customs.

The almond and butter cream tasted pretty good, but the chocolate tasted kind of crappy.

A good rule of thumb when shopping at a furniture store is to always avoid the food aisle. The Mayor knows it’s tempting to throw in a package of Poopenfloppen cakes with your Billy Bookcase, but if you think about it, you should always buy food at grocery stores and furniture at furniture stores, and never the two shall mix.

First it was horse meat in Ikea’s meatballs, and then horse meat in their hot dogs, and now they found shit in their cakes. Those eggs they serve with their .99 cent breakfast have been looking a little suspect as of late, The Mayor wonders if they contain traces of pigeon brain? Well, don’t worry, even if they do, it’s probably not that bad for you. Eat up, sucker.

As for the Chinese banning the Poopenfloppen cakes, The Mayor had to read the article seven times just to get it in his head that the Chinese were actually banning products and not the other way around. It seems the Chinese have no problem exporting crud-filled foods, but when it comes to adding a little fecal matter into their diet, that’s where the buck stops.

Truth In Advertising

Monday, January 28th, 2013

And the really great thing about Fat & Easy Restaurants© is the ticket you can get punched when you go there. For every 10 Philly steak sandwiches, large fries and sodas you order, you get 10% off your next bypass surgery.

Fat & Easy©, saving YOU money.

Health Nut VS Chick With Large Breasts

Wednesday, January 9th, 2013

And in that competition, we all know who wins out every time.

If you think the picture of Gillian McKeith is exaggerated in any way, please refer to this picture as confirmation that the original picture can indeed be confirmed.

As for Nigella Lawson, if you think her picture is exaggerated in any way (for the better, that is), please refer to this picture as confirmation that the original picture can indeed be confirmed.

Now don’t get The Mayor wrong, Nigella Lawson isn’t exactly a prize pig. But compared to Gillian McKeith, well, soooo weeeeee. Besides, it’s always best to look at it this way – if you had a choice as to who was going to prepare and bring you a sammich when you’re wasted, who would you choose: a health guru, or, a chick with large breasts?

Check and mate. Bitchinado’s.

McDonald’s Coffee VS Tim Horton’s Coffee – A Comparison

Wednesday, October 10th, 2012

When it comes to getting a quick cup cup of coffee (alliteration) from any of the fast food giants in Canada, The Mayor finds the best two options to choose from are Tim Horton’s and McDonald’s. Many would argue that Starbuck’s should be included on the list, as well as Coffee Time and Second Cup, but many would be wrong. Quite wrong. Drinking Starbuck’s is equivalent to drinking poison, Coffee Time *restaurants* are far too filthy to step foot in, and what the hell is a Second Cup?

There are only two choices then, Timmy’s and McDonald’s.

The Mayor has broken down several categories for your perusal based on this, that, and the other. The Mayor will judge each category by a point system worked out by Fenris Badwulf, courtesy of a generous grant by the Food Council of Canada. It is far too complicated a system to explain in detail, but portions involve an abacus, three midgets, and a large rope.

Let’s begin:

Cup appearance and general functionability

Tim Horton’s – Rudimentary cup design and cheap, flimsy lid. Surprisingly though, the lid very seldom falls off. Looks as though the lid was designed by addicts who are part of various drug addiction detoxification and maintenance programs. Opening of lid is embarrassingly bad, and many times you will just rip the piece of plastic completely off, exposing your clothes and groinial area to scorching hot coffee.

Cup is nothing special. It doesn’t heat up even without a sleeve, so as for usefulness, it passes the rigorous tests by Mitchieville’s R & D team.

McDonald’s – Sexy cup and wonderful lid. If you look at the lid from the top and open the plastic opening, the lid will resemble a face. A funny face. The cup has a better feel to it than the Timmy’s one, and it is easily gripable and non-slidable. The design team of said lid and cup are obviously not drug-addled malcontents like the Timmy’s team.

Chances of having lid placed directly on cup seam

Tim Horton’s – 83%

McDonald’s – 34%

Coffee Description

Tim Horton’s – Made from 100% Arabica beans (and cocaine, apparently), Timmy beans are roasted in Timmy’s own facility. A stronger coffee than McDonald’s, yet every cup is smooth, well-balanced, with a deep, rich aroma.

McDonald’s – A lighter coffee with a distinctly light topnote. It has a gentle taste, smooth and well-balanced.

Line up wait time to get coffee through drive-thru, based on 7 car line-up

Tim Horton’s – 3 minutes

McDonald’s – 4 days

Stirage of Coffee when sugar is added

Tim Horton’s – will properly stir your coffee 79% of the time, using plastic stir stick

McDonald’s – will properly stir your coffee 1% of the time using their dirty finger

% of time you will get a great cup of coffee

Tim Horton’s – 92% of the time

McDonald’s – 42% of the time

Whose coffee is better?

We have come to the conclusion that McDonald’s has a better cup of coffee based on taste. However, McDonald’s doesn’t consistently deliver a great cup of coffee, where as Tim’s coffee is served hot and tasty every time. Every time you go to Tim’s, you know what you’re in for – a great cup of coffee (but keep a stir-stick handy). McDonald’s is hit and miss. You’ll either get a great cup of Joe or you’ll get something that tastes like it was filtered through an East European hockey players jockstrap.

Then Who Wins?

Tim’s wins. This is about consistency. Sure, it has to be about taste as well, but it’s not as if Tim’s coffee tastes like Love Canal dirt, the stuff is awesome. If McDonald’s were on their game all the time, McDonald’s would win, but they’re lazy, so they lose. Lazy loses, consistent wins.

And there you have it, that’s what $2.3 million in grant money gets you.

The Mayor’s Breakfast

Monday, September 17th, 2012

The Mayor suggests trying this delightful cookie with a tumbler of Lagavulin 16-Year-Old Scotch. For those more *price conscious* Mitchievillians, The Mayor suggest downing these wonderful cookies with a stein of Valu-Rite vodka. No smell, no tell, biznitch!

Formerly, Eh?

Saturday, June 2nd, 2012

The only way this man is not currently obese is if he’s actually 22′ 9″ tall. By that measure the man’s a bone-rack. Grab Delroy a cheeseburger and fries, the poor bastard is withering away!

Healthy Living

Wednesday, May 16th, 2012

The Mayor would also like to add, “Go to hell.”