Ikea has recalled a whack of their Taarta Chokladkrokant cakes (Aka Poopenfloppen) after Chinese authorities found traces of shit in them:

The Swedish-made cakes had failed tests “for containing an excessive level of coliform bacteria, according to the General Administration of Quality Supervision, Inspection and Quarantine,” the Shanghai Daily website wrote.

Ikea said 1,800 Taarta Chokladkrokant cakes — described on its website as an almond cake with chocolate, butter cream and butterscotch — were destroyed in December after being intercepted by Chinese customs.

The almond and butter cream tasted pretty good, but the chocolate tasted kind of crappy.

A good rule of thumb when shopping at a furniture store is to always avoid the food aisle. The Mayor knows it’s tempting to throw in a package of Poopenfloppen cakes with your Billy Bookcase, but if you think about it, you should always buy food at grocery stores and furniture at furniture stores, and never the two shall mix.

First it was horse meat in Ikea’s meatballs, and then horse meat in their hot dogs, and now they found shit in their cakes. Those eggs they serve with their .99 cent breakfast have been looking a little suspect as of late, The Mayor wonders if they contain traces of pigeon brain? Well, don’t worry, even if they do, it’s probably not that bad for you. Eat up, sucker.

As for the Chinese banning the Poopenfloppen cakes, The Mayor had to read the article seven times just to get it in his head that the Chinese were actually banning products and not the other way around. It seems the Chinese have no problem exporting crud-filled foods, but when it comes to adding a little fecal matter into their diet, that’s where the buck stops.

And the really great thing about Fat & Easy Restaurants© is the ticket you can get punched when you go there. For every 10 Philly steak sandwiches, large fries and sodas you order, you get 10% off your next bypass surgery.

Fat & Easy©, saving YOU money.

And in that competition, we all know who wins out every time.

If you think the picture of Gillian McKeith is exaggerated in any way, please refer to this picture as confirmation that the original picture can indeed be confirmed.

As for Nigella Lawson, if you think her picture is exaggerated in any way (for the better, that is), please refer to this picture as confirmation that the original picture can indeed be confirmed.

Now don’t get The Mayor wrong, Nigella Lawson isn’t exactly a prize pig. But compared to Gillian McKeith, well, soooo weeeeee. Besides, it’s always best to look at it this way – if you had a choice as to who was going to prepare and bring you a sammich when you’re wasted, who would you choose: a health guru, or, a chick with large breasts?

Check and mate. Bitchinado’s.

When it comes to getting a quick cup cup of coffee (alliteration) from any of the fast food giants in Canada, The Mayor finds the best two options to choose from are Tim Horton’s and McDonald’s. Many would argue that Starbuck’s should be included on the list, as well as Coffee Time and Second Cup, but many would be wrong. Quite wrong. Drinking Starbuck’s is equivalent to drinking poison, Coffee Time *restaurants* are far too filthy to step foot in, and what the hell is a Second Cup?

There are only two choices then, Timmy’s and McDonald’s.

The Mayor has broken down several categories for your perusal based on this, that, and the other. The Mayor will judge each category by a point system worked out by Fenris Badwulf, courtesy of a generous grant by the Food Council of Canada. It is far too complicated a system to explain in detail, but portions involve an abacus, three midgets, and a large rope.

Let’s begin:

Cup appearance and general functionability

Tim Horton’s – Rudimentary cup design and cheap, flimsy lid. Surprisingly though, the lid very seldom falls off. Looks as though the lid was designed by addicts who are part of various drug addiction detoxification and maintenance programs. Opening of lid is embarrassingly bad, and many times you will just rip the piece of plastic completely off, exposing your clothes and groinial area to scorching hot coffee.

Cup is nothing special. It doesn’t heat up even without a sleeve, so as for usefulness, it passes the rigorous tests by Mitchieville’s R & D team.

McDonald’s – Sexy cup and wonderful lid. If you look at the lid from the top and open the plastic opening, the lid will resemble a face. A funny face. The cup has a better feel to it than the Timmy’s one, and it is easily gripable and non-slidable. The design team of said lid and cup are obviously not drug-addled malcontents like the Timmy’s team.

Chances of having lid placed directly on cup seam

Tim Horton’s – 83%

McDonald’s – 34%

Coffee Description

Tim Horton’s – Made from 100% Arabica beans (and cocaine, apparently), Timmy beans are roasted in Timmy’s own facility. A stronger coffee than McDonald’s, yet every cup is smooth, well-balanced, with a deep, rich aroma.

McDonald’s – A lighter coffee with a distinctly light topnote. It has a gentle taste, smooth and well-balanced.

Line up wait time to get coffee through drive-thru, based on 7 car line-up

Tim Horton’s – 3 minutes

McDonald’s – 4 days

Stirage of Coffee when sugar is added

Tim Horton’s – will properly stir your coffee 79% of the time, using plastic stir stick

McDonald’s – will properly stir your coffee 1% of the time using their dirty finger

% of time you will get a great cup of coffee

Tim Horton’s – 92% of the time

McDonald’s – 42% of the time

Whose coffee is better?

We have come to the conclusion that McDonald’s has a better cup of coffee based on taste. However, McDonald’s doesn’t consistently deliver a great cup of coffee, where as Tim’s coffee is served hot and tasty every time. Every time you go to Tim’s, you know what you’re in for – a great cup of coffee (but keep a stir-stick handy). McDonald’s is hit and miss. You’ll either get a great cup of Joe or you’ll get something that tastes like it was filtered through an East European hockey players jockstrap.

Then Who Wins?

Tim’s wins. This is about consistency. Sure, it has to be about taste as well, but it’s not as if Tim’s coffee tastes like Love Canal dirt, the stuff is awesome. If McDonald’s were on their game all the time, McDonald’s would win, but they’re lazy, so they lose. Lazy loses, consistent wins.

And there you have it, that’s what $2.3 million in grant money gets you.

The Mayor suggests trying this delightful cookie with a tumbler of Lagavulin 16-Year-Old Scotch. For those more *price conscious* Mitchievillians, The Mayor suggest downing these wonderful cookies with a stein of Valu-Rite vodka. No smell, no tell, biznitch!

The only way this man is not currently obese is if he’s actually 22′ 9″ tall. By that measure the man’s a bone-rack. Grab Delroy a cheeseburger and fries, the poor bastard is withering away!

The Mayor would also like to add, “Go to hell.”

Ah yes, the good old days. When it only took 35 cents to make yourself sick as a dog.

A Queensland mommy who ordered a burger from a Hungry Jack’s restaurant, got a rude surprised when she flipped open her food container:

A Queensland mother who received a Hungry Jack’s burger with a crudely drawn penis inside its packaging said she was so disgusted it left her feeling physically ill.

“Every week we get takeaway because we are always late with football and netball for the kids,” Mrs Steger said.

But the tradition came to an end when she was presented with the offensive image that she is thankful her children didn’t see.

“It literally made me sick,” Ms Steger said.

“I’ll never buy another burger from there again.”

It could very well be a crude drawing of the “Fat Man” bomb the American’s dropped on Nagasaki in WW2. Then again, it very well could be the “Little Boy” gun-type weapon the American’s used in Hiroshima. However, seeing as this happened “down under” and was most likely drawn by an Aussie male, it’s probably a Minuteman III ICBM (sexual reference fully intended).

No matter if it is a drawing of a missile, or a penis, one thing is for certain: it’s probably the closest that broad has come to anything hard and pointed and covered in meat in a long, long time.

Those are rather manly names for Jelly Belly’s, but eating Jelly Belly’s just doesn’t sound very manly. It’s like using a “manly” moisturising cream. If you’re a man and use a moisturising cream, keep it to yourself. Tell no one. Same goes with eating Jelly Belly’s. But if you do happen to like them, and if you’re friends ever ask you what junk food you like, for the love of any God but the Christian God, don’t tell them you love Jelly Belly’s, tell them you like pork rinds or Dorito’s, or something equally offensive.

That’s a pearl of wisdom The Mayor just gave you. You should be thankful.

“The Colonel is dead, but we still eat his chicken.”

Even MPalef won’t get THAT movie reference.

The Mayor heard a KFC joke the other day. It’s not a good one by any stretch of the imagination, but what the hell, it’s all The Mayor has left to work with this morning:

What is in the KFC Obama Cabinet Bucket?

Nothing but left wings and assholes!

Hardy harr harr.

“Freshness you can Taste.”

Indeed.

When you can get Shitdick for less than .25 cents per 100 grams, cram as much into your cart as you can. Deals like that don’t come by every day. And considering Shitdick isn’t even in season, wow, what a bargoonie! Unless you live in San Fran or Toronto, then Shitdick is available for cheap every few blocks.