When it comes to getting a quick cup cup of coffee (alliteration) from any of the fast food giants in Canada, The Mayor finds the best two options to choose from are Tim Horton’s and McDonald’s. Many would argue that Starbuck’s should be included on the list, as well as Coffee Time and Second Cup, but many would be wrong. Quite wrong. Drinking Starbuck’s is equivalent to drinking poison, Coffee Time *restaurants* are far too filthy to step foot in, and what the hell is a Second Cup?
There are only two choices then, Timmy’s and McDonald’s.
The Mayor has broken down several categories for your perusal based on this, that, and the other. The Mayor will judge each category by a point system worked out by Fenris Badwulf, courtesy of a generous grant by the Food Council of Canada. It is far too complicated a system to explain in detail, but portions involve an abacus, three midgets, and a large rope.
Cup appearance and general functionability
Tim Horton’s – Rudimentary cup design and cheap, flimsy lid. Surprisingly though, the lid very seldom falls off. Looks as though the lid was designed by addicts who are part of various drug addiction detoxification and maintenance programs. Opening of lid is embarrassingly bad, and many times you will just rip the piece of plastic completely off, exposing your clothes and groinial area to scorching hot coffee.
Cup is nothing special. It doesn’t heat up even without a sleeve, so as for usefulness, it passes the rigorous tests by Mitchieville’s R & D team.
McDonald’s – Sexy cup and wonderful lid. If you look at the lid from the top and open the plastic opening, the lid will resemble a face. A funny face. The cup has a better feel to it than the Timmy’s one, and it is easily gripable and non-slidable. The design team of said lid and cup are obviously not drug-addled malcontents like the Timmy’s team.
Chances of having lid placed directly on cup seam
Tim Horton’s – 83%
McDonald’s – 34%
Tim Horton’s – Made from 100% Arabica beans (and cocaine, apparently), Timmy beans are roasted in Timmy’s own facility. A stronger coffee than McDonald’s, yet every cup is smooth, well-balanced, with a deep, rich aroma.
McDonald’s – A lighter coffee with a distinctly light topnote. It has a gentle taste, smooth and well-balanced.
Line up wait time to get coffee through drive-thru, based on 7 car line-up
Tim Horton’s – 3 minutes
McDonald’s – 4 days
Stirage of Coffee when sugar is added
Tim Horton’s – will properly stir your coffee 79% of the time, using plastic stir stick
McDonald’s – will properly stir your coffee 1% of the time using their dirty finger
% of time you will get a great cup of coffee
Tim Horton’s – 92% of the time
McDonald’s – 42% of the time
Whose coffee is better?
We have come to the conclusion that McDonald’s has a better cup of coffee based on taste. However, McDonald’s doesn’t consistently deliver a great cup of coffee, where as Tim’s coffee is served hot and tasty every time. Every time you go to Tim’s, you know what you’re in for – a great cup of coffee (but keep a stir-stick handy). McDonald’s is hit and miss. You’ll either get a great cup of Joe or you’ll get something that tastes like it was filtered through an East European hockey players jockstrap.
Then Who Wins?
Tim’s wins. This is about consistency. Sure, it has to be about taste as well, but it’s not as if Tim’s coffee tastes like Love Canal dirt, the stuff is awesome. If McDonald’s were on their game all the time, McDonald’s would win, but they’re lazy, so they lose. Lazy loses, consistent wins.
And there you have it, that’s what $2.3 million in grant money gets you.