Archive for the ‘Fast Foods’ Category

McDonald’s – Retro

Thursday, May 3rd, 2012

Ah yes, the good old days. When it only took 35 cents to make yourself sick as a dog.

Hold The Penis. Wait. DON’T Hold The Penis

Wednesday, April 25th, 2012

A Queensland mommy who ordered a burger from a Hungry Jack’s restaurant, got a rude surprised when she flipped open her food container:

A Queensland mother who received a Hungry Jack’s burger with a crudely drawn penis inside its packaging said she was so disgusted it left her feeling physically ill.

“Every week we get takeaway because we are always late with football and netball for the kids,” Mrs Steger said.

But the tradition came to an end when she was presented with the offensive image that she is thankful her children didn’t see.

“It literally made me sick,” Ms Steger said.

“I’ll never buy another burger from there again.”

It could very well be a crude drawing of the “Fat Man” bomb the American’s dropped on Nagasaki in WW2. Then again, it very well could be the “Little Boy” gun-type weapon the American’s used in Hiroshima. However, seeing as this happened “down under” and was most likely drawn by an Aussie male, it’s probably a Minuteman III ICBM (sexual reference fully intended).

No matter if it is a drawing of a missile, or a penis, one thing is for certain: it’s probably the closest that broad has come to anything hard and pointed and covered in meat in a long, long time.

Manly Jelly Belly’s

Tuesday, April 24th, 2012

Those are rather manly names for Jelly Belly’s, but eating Jelly Belly’s just doesn’t sound very manly. It’s like using a “manly” moisturising cream. If you’re a man and use a moisturising cream, keep it to yourself. Tell no one. Same goes with eating Jelly Belly’s. But if you do happen to like them, and if you’re friends ever ask you what junk food you like, for the love of any God but the Christian God, don’t tell them you love Jelly Belly’s, tell them you like pork rinds or Dorito’s, or something equally offensive.

That’s a pearl of wisdom The Mayor just gave you. You should be thankful.

Finger Bone Licking Good

Wednesday, April 18th, 2012

“The Colonel is dead, but we still eat his chicken.”

Even MPalef won’t get THAT movie reference.

The Mayor heard a KFC joke the other day. It’s not a good one by any stretch of the imagination, but what the hell, it’s all The Mayor has left to work with this morning:

What is in the KFC Obama Cabinet Bucket?

Nothing but left wings and assholes!

Hardy harr harr.

It Must Be On Sale

Tuesday, April 10th, 2012

“Freshness you can Taste.”


When you can get Shitdick for less than .25 cents per 100 grams, cram as much into your cart as you can. Deals like that don’t come by every day. And considering Shitdick isn’t even in season, wow, what a bargoonie! Unless you live in San Fran or Toronto, then Shitdick is available for cheap every few blocks.

The Silly Protest Movement

Thursday, April 5th, 2012

Inspired by a recent visit to a socially responsible Ontario Canadian University, the staff at the Supreme Central Library of Mitchieville have decided to form the Mitchieville Public Interest Research Group. Unlike other PIRG’s in the PIRG industry, MPIRG is not whoring after government funding, exploiting the labor of volunteers, nor a slut for leftist causes. Instead, MPIRG is inspired by the Pentagram Strategy * : which is to say, our MPIRG is run for personal financial profit, accumulation of power, destruction of enemies, and the spread of disinformation aimed at the extinction of people we do not like. As the secret agenda of the MPIRG is so similar to that of the cult of Set, the Snake God, it is expected that the leadership cadre of the MPIRG will be exclusively drawn from the worshipers of the Emerald Eyed One. Which is good.

There, unobserved in the room of society, like a potato hidden underneath the gravy on the dinner plate of life experience, is the soon to explode demand for acceptance of fat people. Fat will no longer be viewed as bad, but as something to accept (or face the Human Rights Gestapo), even something to get sexually aroused by *. MPIRG intends to profit from this new front * in the jihad for social justice.

Accept Fat Acceptance! will be our slogan for the months to come. Be passive aggressive and encourage people you do not like to over eat. Use Global Warming science to make up bogus research to support your claims. Make money selling them donuts. When anyone criticizes you, call them racists, slimy toads, or associate them with Stormfront * . A disproportionate number of non White people are fatties, so blaming whitey is called for, and in a Global Warming logic sort of way, acceptance of the lard whale lifestyle is demanded. Our task is to make money, acquire power, and destroy our personal enemies using Fat Acceptance as a cover, all with a smile on our face, a tear in our eye, and our hands in someones wallet. Channel your inner reptile and move forward the agenda of digestion. Be the chef, not the entree.

Mitchieville Public Interest Research Group is a tax evasive, black market embracing organization that exists to further the interests of its members, the real Public. Anyone can join, and most will survive the secret initiation ritual involving snakes. If you want to hang out with sexually active youth, pretend you are doing something worthwhile, and make deposits to your bank account, then you want to join MPIRG. The current campaign is Fat Acceptance. Accept Fat, Fascist.

The Mayor Will Have The Trout

Wednesday, February 22nd, 2012

“What’s the soup of the day?”

“A wonderful, creamy and rich fallopian tube broth, smothered with heaping helpings of ovum, with a smattering of labium minor”

‘That sounds delicious, but I’ll have the taco platter with a clam side”


Are You On A Gluten-Free Diet? Keep At It, Psycho

Monday, January 2nd, 2012

A new report that looks into the psychiatric impacts of leading a gluten-free lifestyle, has concluded that having such a restrictive diet has shown to “cause depression, disordered eating and impaired quality of life in women suffering from celiac disease”. Not only that, gluten-free people are royal pains in the ass (that’s on a personal note from The Mayor):

In their study, researchers found that women who adhered to strict gluten-free diets also reported higher rates of stress, depression, and body image issues compared to the general population.

Where their study falls short, researchers say, is understanding what comes first: disordered eating or depression.

Not only does celiac disease impose a slew of dietary restrictions, the illness also increases “psychosocial distress,’’ said study co-author Josh Smyth of Penn State.

“Going out to eat with friends or to a holiday potluck is a much different experience for these people because they have to be vigilant and monitor their diets,’’ he said in a statement. “They may feel that they are a burden on a host or hostess.

And that’s because they are. Now, The Mayor isn’t saying every gluten-freebie is an attention-seeking maggot who should be beaten within an inch of their worthless life with a plugged-in iron, but who among us hasn’t thought after hearing Suzie tell us how hard it is for her to find gluten-free products in grocery stores, “boy, I betcha she’d look a whole hell of a lot better if someone threw her out of a moving transport truck”.

Gluten-freebies are the equivalent of the reformed smoker, but only a billion times worse. With reformed smoker’s, you know that eventually they’ll shut up with their boring stories and move on to another subject (usually as boring, but at least it’s a new subject); but gluten-freebies feel as though they’re martyr’s or something and have no trouble rambling on and on about personal nutrition choices they made that not one single soul in the entire universe gives one smelly bowel movement about.

Gluten-freebies are more likely to be depressed, stressed-out and psychotic because that’s what they started out as. Eating gluten-free products didn’t make them that, that’s what they always were. Sure, some of them are probably good people with a fantastic outlook on life, but more likely they’ll be people who should be wrapped in a carpet and thrown off a bridge.

That’s The Mayor’s personal opinion on this matter, he’s very glad you took the time to read his thoughts. Thank you.

The Most Stolen Food Item Is…

Thursday, October 27th, 2011

Giblets. Ya, The Mayor couldn’t believe it, either. Giblets!

What’s that? It isn’t giblets? It’s what? Really? Go figure…

Cheese has been labeled a “high risk food” because it is the most stolen food item across the globe, according to a report.

Shoplifting and organised retail crime cost the UK high street an estimated £4.9m during the past 12 months, according to the Centre for Retail Research.

Theft is a growing concern for shop owners and the amount of stolen retail goods increased by 6.2% in the year to July.

Food products are amongst the most targeted products, with cheese topping the list.

The Mayor once saw a grocery store owner chasing a fromage thief through a parking lot, yelling “That’s nacho cheese, that’s nacho cheese!!” The grocery store also knew the thief by first name – Colby – and even though he screamed his name and chased him, Colby got away. He was a gouda runner. They did eventually catch Colby, and he was taken to the station and processed. He didn’t admit what he did at first, but the po po milked the truth out of him. Colby figured he butter come clean,

Most people would think the French would steal more cheese than any other nationality, but they would be wrong – it’s actually the Kurds, by  the whey. The Kurds love cheese. As a matter of fact, they love cheese so much that it’s not uncommon to see a Kurd edam up 2-3 pounds of cheese a day. That’s why the average Kurd looks like Thurman Munster.

The thing is, cheese thieves must be stopped and punished. Sometimes when they steal cheeses they leave a terrible mess. You’ve never seen such de brie. Some thieves steal cheese because they think cheese is a slimming food and they simply want to chedder a few pounds. Cheese is anything but slimming, and it’s obvious these thieves didn’t caerphilly study this topic. Thieves tend not to be the grate’est minds on the planet. After all, cheese can really philly you up.

Fast Food Reality

Thursday, August 25th, 2011

The Mayor isn’t sure whether the above representations are accurate as The Mayor doesn’t really do the fast food thing any more, but he can tell you that the management at Tim Horton’s need to send every store a couple of sharp knives. Reason being – have you ever ordered a bagel from Timmy’s that was actually cut all the way through? Of course you haven’t. The top two pieces of bagel are usually cut, but the bottom two pieces are usually stuck together. When you try to lift one of the two bottom pieces, both pieces come up and warm butter will drip on your shirt. This is a fact.

And that is why the Chinese are out manufacturing us and are more productive. It makes sense. You just have to think about it. And that is your assignment for the day. Think about this and get back to The Mayor with possible solutions and outcomes. And don’t tell The Mayor Timmy’s management need to send sharp knives to their stores, as that has already been explained in the paragraph above. Plagarizer.

Whats for dinner

Thursday, July 14th, 2011

The worshipers of Set, the Snake God have very strict rules concerning dietary laws * . These laws have been handed down to us by revelation, through drug induced visions, held during sloppy orgies. Searching for wisdom can be a slippery business. Sometimes you have to get your hands sticky. This is but a small sacrifice in our search for the infinite, which we do by searching out material advantage, secret combinations, lascivious pleasures, and indulging in gluttony. As for the rules which dictate which laws to follow (convenience, opportunity, and deniability) you can learn all about that in person when you attend one of the drug soaked ritual sex orgies which the Etobicoke Temple of Set, the Snake God has become famous for. For now, let us just make up some dinner!


Solution To World Hunger?

Monday, June 27th, 2011

If Burger King would build a few dozen restaurants in the Kalahari, world hunger would see a quick decrease. Mind you, it would only work if they kept the drive-thru open 24/7. And what are the chances of that? Slim, I’d say (haha, “slim”).