Archive for the ‘Food’ Category

Her Strange Addiction

Wednesday, January 29th, 2014

No, that isn’t a picture of a rabid dog spitting noodles from its mouth, it’s Georgi Readman, citizen of The Isle of Wight. Other than a terrible haircut and poor eating skillz, she looks pretty much like any other 18 year old girl. The difference though is that Georgi has a really strange addiction:

Ramen-style noodles, a staple in the pantry of broke college students, has been the mainstay of one teenager’s diet for the past 13 years, according to an article in the New York Daily News.

Georgi Readman, 18, of the Isle of Wight, U.K., refuses to eat fruit and vegetables and exists solely on packaged noodle soup.

Readman, who is 5′3” and 98 pounds, told the Daily News that she became hooked on the noodles when she was five-years-old and her mother still buys her packages by the dozens. She estimates eating 30 miles of noodles per year and the thought of eating anything else makes her sick.

5′3″ and 98 pounds isn’t bad at all, at least she has her health:

Readman could not be reached for comment but according to her doctors, she is malnourished and has the health of an 80 year old.

A healthy 80 year old, or a lazy 80 year old that terrorizes the neighbourhood with their poor scooter driving skills?

The last time The Mayor had Ramon noodles was 1983. He remembers it well because it was the night Alvin and the Chipmunks debut on NBC. The Mayor remembers Theodore and Alvin were into some whacky hijinx that night; they took a donkey and registered it in a horse race. You see, the donkey was about to be sent to the glue factory, and Alvin became very upset and basically stole the poor thing and ended up putting it in the race. Well don’t you know it, the damn thing won the race, and the donkey was saved. Later on that night Alvin and Theodore snuck out of their room and had anal sex with the donkey.

Those keraaaazy chipmunks. It does bring up an interesting question though: how come animals like Alvin, Simon and Theodore can talk, but the poor donkey that was raped cannot talk? Who will speak for the poor victimized donkey? The Mayor will tell you who – no one.

That’s the way life is kids, one day you get saved from the glue factory and win The Preakness, and the same night you’re being buggered by talking vermin.

Food Fraud – Eat This, Don’t Eat That

Monday, January 28th, 2013

Does the milk you drink taste a bit like Lake Titicaca? Does the tea you love, smell like your lawnmower? Did the meat you just eat happen to have run in the 6th race at Mohawk Raceway last Wednesday night? If you answered yes to any one of those three badly worded questions, then you sir/madam are a victim of food fraud.

Yes, FOOD FRAUD.

Professor Bob was right, food fraud is on the rise, and there’s a non-profit organization with a terribly long name that can prove it:

US Pharmacopeial Convention (USP), an independent scientific non-profit organization, announced Wednesday that its updated database showed incidences of food fraud increasing dramatically in 2011 and 2012.

This means the instances of food manufacturers doing things such as adding lawn grass and fern leaves to tea is much greater than originally thought.

“While food fraud has been around for centuries, with a handful of notorious cases well documented, we suspect that what we know about the topic is just the tip of the iceberg,” said Moore.

USP’s findings show that milk, olive oil and spices continue to have a high vulnerability to food fraud, with dilution the most common cause of problems.

Indian authorities discovered in a 2012 study that most samples of the country’s milk were diluted or contained unappetizing agents such as hydrogen peroxide, detergent and urea – a compound that is naturally found in urine and can be synthetically produced. Some South American milk manufactures replaced milk fat with vegetable oil, another product susceptible to food fraud.

Olive oil is most often diluted with lower quality versions of the product, but reports also show instances of waste oil being used as cooking oil in China.

The new reports reveal that seafood, lemon juice and tea are also especially vulnerable to food fraud.

A 2009 study showed that sushi restaurants frequently misrepresented what sort of fish they were selling. The USP is particularly concerned with the sale of escolar fish, which is banned in multiple countries because it can cause a special form of food poisoning. Fish sellers will sometimes sell escolar as white tuna or butterfish.

Tea leaves can be contaminated with artificially colored saw dust or foreign tea leaves. Sand, stones and “filth” could be used to bulk up food grains.

Food fraud has caused significant public outcry in recent history. Last week,reports surfaced that some beef burgers sold in British supermarket chains contained horse and pig DNA. One sample of Tesco Everyday Value Beef Burgers showed that horsemeat accounted for 29% relative to the burger’s beef content.

If the food you’re eating says Made in Anywhere but the country you’re living in, toss that crap out immediately. Not to sound alarmist, but you’re going to DIE if you eat it. DIE!!!!

Waste oil being used as cooking oil in China? What the hell is waste oil? Is it urine with a hint of gasoline? Seriously, WTF!

Eat and drink foods that come from reputable western firms, and don’t take any chances with foreign foods. The Mayor knows diversity is the fabric which weaves a tight tapestry of knitted rugs, or whatever, but trust The Mayor, that knitted tapestry of love is probably filler in your imported meat.

Milk is suppose to be white, not India white, as in piss white, but white. Olive oil shouldn’t taste like it was filtered through a jock strap, and eating tuna should not cause your children to choke to death from the noxious fumes. But you know this, right? Of course you do, you are not a bunch of flaming imbeciles. Unless you’re gnawing down on a bucket of fabricated chicken parts shipped directly from El Salvador right to your door by a hairy man named Stan.

The point The Mayor is making is that even without knowing him, it would be a safe bet to assume The Mayor is a beautiful person with a physique other men are jealous of and would kill for. Settle down, fags. The Mayor didn’t get this way by eating Vietnamese pork – the kind that can sing the first 12 minutes of The Marriage of Figaro whilst standing on its back legs. No, he got that way by thinking globally, eating locally, and demanding handouts.

And so should you.

The End.

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