Archive for the ‘For Your Health’ Category

Her Strange Addiction

Wednesday, January 29th, 2014

No, that isn’t a picture of a rabid dog spitting noodles from its mouth, it’s Georgi Readman, citizen of The Isle of Wight. Other than a terrible haircut and poor eating skillz, she looks pretty much like any other 18 year old girl. The difference though is that Georgi has a really strange addiction:

Ramen-style noodles, a staple in the pantry of broke college students, has been the mainstay of one teenager’s diet for the past 13 years, according to an article in the New York Daily News.

Georgi Readman, 18, of the Isle of Wight, U.K., refuses to eat fruit and vegetables and exists solely on packaged noodle soup.

Readman, who is 5′3” and 98 pounds, told the Daily News that she became hooked on the noodles when she was five-years-old and her mother still buys her packages by the dozens. She estimates eating 30 miles of noodles per year and the thought of eating anything else makes her sick.

5′3″ and 98 pounds isn’t bad at all, at least she has her health:

Readman could not be reached for comment but according to her doctors, she is malnourished and has the health of an 80 year old.

A healthy 80 year old, or a lazy 80 year old that terrorizes the neighbourhood with their poor scooter driving skills?

The last time The Mayor had Ramon noodles was 1983. He remembers it well because it was the night Alvin and the Chipmunks debut on NBC. The Mayor remembers Theodore and Alvin were into some whacky hijinx that night; they took a donkey and registered it in a horse race. You see, the donkey was about to be sent to the glue factory, and Alvin became very upset and basically stole the poor thing and ended up putting it in the race. Well don’t you know it, the damn thing won the race, and the donkey was saved. Later on that night Alvin and Theodore snuck out of their room and had anal sex with the donkey.

Those keraaaazy chipmunks. It does bring up an interesting question though: how come animals like Alvin, Simon and Theodore can talk, but the poor donkey that was raped cannot talk? Who will speak for the poor victimized donkey? The Mayor will tell you who – no one.

That’s the way life is kids, one day you get saved from the glue factory and win The Preakness, and the same night you’re being buggered by talking vermin.

Expert

Tuesday, November 8th, 2011

When it comes to non-frozen bananas, Helen Connolly doesn’t know shit. But when it comes to frozen bananas, Helen Connolly is the gold standard. If you want to know the exact temperature bananas should be when properly freezing them, or if you want to know the exact colour bananas should be when you put them in the freezer for proper storage, or if you want to know what kind of freezer is best to use when freezing bananas, The Mayor suggests heeding the advice of Helen Connolly. However, if you want to know anything about non-frozen bananas, avoid Helen Connolly like the plague. That’s because Helen Connolly doesn’t know shit about non-frozen bananas.

So long Israel, and hello Vienna! – Saved in Drafts

Thursday, December 16th, 2010

**It certainly wouldbe nice if Fenris revisited this piece and finished it. The Mayor doesn’t like posts that end with the word “and”. It leaves too much up in the air. This post is from 2.14.2010. Woulda coulda shoulda won some sort of award, and…

I have been bothered at my leisure with demands for production about the soon to be non-existance of Israel.  Yeah, sure, it is a tasty subject for satire.  It is grim and there will be quite a few war movies, great war movies of the future, to be written, scripted, story-boarded, filmed, edited, and shown.  So I will write quick, as there are only a few more paragraphs to go before I am done with you.

Today is the first Saturday after the Persians went public with the Bomb. They have the Bomb.  They have stated quite clearly the conditions under which they will use their Bomb.  This is quite Queensberry rules, and every dead Statesman you talk to on the Ouija board will tell you that what they say is true enough to take heed of, and if you heed their boundary conditions, the Bomb will not go boom.  So what?  So what does this have to do with Israel?  Those Persian atomic bombs can only hit Los Angeles, maybe San Francisco, certainly Honolulu.  Utah is safe.  So who cares?

Sure, Israel has the Bomb. They have the Bomb too.  Big Deal.  This problem is not a big problem as far as Military problems go.  Israel does not fear the Bomb.  They are more likely to fire their broadside first, and it just might happen in this wonderful decade of 2010.  But before we get to how earthquakes and atomic bombs are like each other in effect, I want to talk about the ruthless self-interest of nation states.

This is a bad thing for Israel, but not in the way you would expect. History suggests that powers that pay tribute, pay tribute for appeasement, effect, or subterfuge.

Appeasement. The defeated in war end up paying tribute.  A certain amount of the trillions invested in Israel every year has a proportion, a percentage that is simple weregild, blood money for a ’sorry we shot your Grandpa’ that comes with a rather nice greeting card.

Appeasement, but. But the great power that was enforcing this payment is under a leader of Hope and Change. He has been bowing to these other, lesser, tribute paying powers. Today, Saturday, the Final Decision Makers are listening to Opera at their weekend retreats, sipping the best, and deciding. Maybe the Israel money does not have to be paid. Not now. The Americans are choosing retreat as their policy. So weregild for Israel can stop.

Effect. Sure, your tribute money buys you some peace and contentment over close there to where the oil fields are. But lately, last few years, those shipping lines, pipelines, refineries are

It Is The Handyman’s Best Friend

Tuesday, October 19th, 2010

Sure, that works, but what if my better half is allergic to polyethylene, is there another *cure* for obesity? Sure there is. Have you ever tried beer goggles?

I betcha have….at least once.

For Your Health

Tuesday, August 24th, 2010

I really need to take a good look at changing the title for this segment; For You Health seems too positive, maybe I should change it to, “If You Eat This You Will topple Over And Die”.

Ya, that has a certain ring to it.

What you see slopped on a plate in the picture is called the Hillbilly Homewrecker. Here’s what constructs the gastronomic monstrosity:

A deep-fried 15”, 1-pound dog with peppers, onions, nacho cheese, chili sauce, jalapeños, mustard, ketchup, coleslaw, tomatoes, lettuce, and shredded cheese.

What’s with all the vegetables? Pick off the lettuce, coleslaw and tomatoes, and replace them with backbacon, Cap’t Crunch cereal and then marinate the entire mess in a tub of Gibson’s Finest rye. Now THAT would be a sandwich.

**This is Why You’re Huge is where I initially found this, originally it came from Hillbilly Hot Dogs

Wow – That’s Insensitive

Tuesday, August 3rd, 2010

Someone emailed The Mayor and said this picture and caption are part of UNICEF’S new advertising campaign to help feed the children of Africa. I found that absurd, there’s not a chance this picture could feed all the children of Africa, I can’t even see how it would feed even one kid!

I do have an idea though: if every reporter and cameraman would bring a few snacks with them when they go to Africa, in about 2 days EVERY kid would be healthy and fat.

Is That The Biggest Ya Got?

Monday, July 19th, 2010

Not sure what to get that drunken lush for his/her/its next Birthday/Christmas/celebratory occasion? The Mayor suggests a Full bottle of Wine Glass™.

That’s right, a wine glass that holds an entire bottle of wine. If you’re like me – and I don’t mean dazzlingly attractive with a manliness that would melt the ice in your mother-in-law’s heart (??) – you find it frustrating having to refill your glass every few minutes in order to *git yer buzz on*. What an inconvenience. You have to get up, pour booze into a glass and go back to your chair. Total hassle. Total buzz killer.

Now, thanks to modern innovation and unbridled laziness, you can just pour your entire bottle of vino into one easy-to-manage wine glass. No more having to get up. No more burning precious calories having to walk and pour. No more staggering across the room to get a refill. No more, ah, um, whatever. No more, I says!

And it’s only $12. Or, 1 cent a minute for the next 137 hours. You can afford 1 cent, can’t you?

Call now, operators are standing by.

**I first saw this on Theo’s site. He has quite the imagination, the little scamp.

The Senate Healthcare Bill – We Will Limit Coverage

Saturday, December 12th, 2009

harry-reid-healthcare-bill

A loophole in the Senate health care bill would let insurers place annual dollar limits on medical care for people struggling with costly illnesses such as cancer:

The legislation that originally passed the Senate health committee last summer would have banned such limits, but a tweak to that provision weakened it in the bill now moving toward a Senate vote.

As currently written, the Senate Democratic health care bill would permit insurance companies to place annual limits on the dollar value of medical care, as long as those limits are not “unreasonable.” The bill does not define what level of limits would be allowable, delegating that task to administration officials.

Adding to the puzzle, the new language was quietly tucked away in a clause in the bill still captioned “No lifetime or annual limits.”

 Just a few months ago, Barack Obama wrote an op-ed piece for the New York Times where he had this to say about insurance companies and their policy of limiting coverage:

They will no longer be able to place some arbitrary cap on the amount of coverage you can receive in a given year or in a lifetime. And we will place a limit on how much you can be charged for out-of-pocket expenses. No one in America should go broke because they get sick.

If the Democratic healthcare bill would permit insurance companies to place annual limits of the dollar value of medical care as long as those limits are not “unreasonable”, who then would decide what’s “unreasonable”? Senators? The insurance companies? Death Panels? Hmmmm, death panels.

To add to the intrigue, no one in the Democrat ranks knows who actually slipped this loophole into the healthcare bill. Seeing though that this is Harry Reid’s bill, I would think he’s the one that has to take responsibility for it.

There are a few reasons why this clause could have been inserted into the healthcare bill: 1) Insurance companies wouldn’t support this bill if the clause wasn’t there, 2) the healthcare bill is hundreds of billions higher than it should be and this is a stealth way of reducing the overall cost, 3) it’s all about the power. The power to decide who lives and who dies. The power to control the lives of the population.

Look at it this way: For example – Let’s say that it has been decided that a person with cancer is allowed to have $150,000 in coverage each year. And that works out well for a few years, everyone is covered sufficiently and everyone is happy. A few years go by, and is want to happen with every government plan and organization, healthcare becomes increasingly expensive and massively bloated. So the lawmakers go back and change the definition of “reasonable”. $150,000 was “reasonable” a few years ago, but considering how the economy is not performing up to expectations and healthcare is close to bankruptcy (see Medicade, Medicare, Social Security, Government sponsored pension funds, Postal service,  Amtrax, etc) $150,00 now considered “unreasonable”. So now a more reasonable amount is $93,000.

The government will say, “It’s for the greater good, we all have to make sacrifices. Think of the children…and their children…etc.” Most Americans don’t have cancer, so what do they care? Most Americans care more about their plasma TV’s or their PS3, cancer coverage isn’t even on their radar. Put another way: If most Americans aren’t concerned with an already bankrupt America and a government that has socialized banks, insurance companies, car companies, and is now socializing 1/6 of their economy, what makes you think Joe Six Pack will care about this?

But YOU care, and that’s what matters. You can still do something before it’s too late. Because once this is signed into law, it’s going to be there forever. It’s going to get bigger, more bloated, and you WILL lose the healthcare you have. It’s not a matter of if, it’s a matter of WHEN.

Ballerina’s Are So Graceful

Monday, November 16th, 2009

APTOPIX Singapore Genee International Ballet Competition

It’s nice to see that the ballet has finally started to visually reflect the changing society in which we live. Gone are the days when ballerina’s were petite, dainty, delicate little flowers, they have now been replaced by brawny, rotund, butterballish clod hoofers. And not a second too soon, if you ask The Mayor.

I can’t wait to see the new line-up of ballets at the Mitchieville Performing Arts Center and Agricultural Building this year. Ballets such as Romeo & Juliet Kill The Buffet, Midsummer’s Night Dream of Extra Cheese and a Large CokeCaramelized Swan I Ate At The Lake, and my favourite of all ballets: The Nutcracker – Cuz She Sat On My Lap.

The new reality is here, and I’m lapping it all up. Mmmmmmm, yummy.

Isn’t the government fiddling with your pop enough?

Thursday, September 10th, 2009

weekly_supply

I’m madder than a Boston Tea Party member with hemorrhoids! The Wall Street Journal has shown the means for paying for health care in the US, namely a new sin tax:

The taxes would pay for only a fraction of the cost to expand health-insurance coverage to all Americans and would face strong opposition from the beverage industry. They also could spark a backlash from consumers who would have to pay several cents more for a soft drink.

(more…)

Do You Suffer From Small Penis Syndrome?

Monday, January 26th, 2009

Of course you don’t, you’re hung like a bloody horse. The only reason this article is interesting to you is because you get to have a laugh at other guys that think they have a small unit. Right? Buehler? Buehler?

Eighty-five percent of women are pleased with their partner’s penis proportions — yet many normal men suffer “small-penis syndrome,” urologists report.

Small-penis syndrome is the anxiety of thinking one’s penis is too small — even though it isn’t. It’s a totally different condition from having a truly tiny tinkler, a condition known by the cold, clinical name of micropenis.

Wylie and Eardley note that studies of penis size are remarkably consistent. The average erect penis is about 5.5 to 6.2 inches long and 4.7 to 5.1 inches in circumference at midshaft.

A truly diminutive dangler — a micropenis — is less than 2.75 inches long when erect, Wylie and Eardley calculate.

Few men suffer this condition. Yet 45 percent of men want a bigger penis, the researchers find. No wonder the Internet is rife with offers of “miraculous” penis-lengthening schemes.

It’s an interesting phenomenon to say the least. I think that most men would be wise to heed my words when I tell them, truthfully and honestly, from the bottom of my heart–having an extremely large penis, a penis so mighty that it can easily crush walnuts, a penis so enormous that women faint when they see it–well, it’s not all it’s cracked up to be. Let’s just leave it at that.

Doctor’s refer to this phenomenon as small-penis syndrome, and I’m sad to say that I have seen the ramifications of it played out all across this land, and the results are always the same, and the results are downright terrifying. It’s actually quite simple to spot a man with small-penis syndrome, he’s typically driving a Ford 150 or a Chevy Silverado. If the man actually does have a ridiculously small pecker, you can rest assured he will be driving a Dodge Ram or a Toyota Tundra. If the man has a penis that is an innie instead of an outie, count on him driving an Escalade or a Hummer.

Don’t approach any of these men, although they are typically not dangerous, they are always ignorant and cheesy and will use terrible pick-up lines to impress women. For instance, they might lick their finger and then touch the woman with it and say, “Hey baby, why don’t you let me get you out of those wet clothes.”

Yes, I know, horrifying, isn’t it?

Wow, that looks like a penis…only smaller.

God Works in Mysterious Ways

Thursday, October 23rd, 2008

Keyser was under the impress that a ganesh was one of those Jewish food things you buy in Brooklyn. But no. It turns out that it’s a sort of Hindu god that might choose to manifest himself in your plants. (more…)