Archive for the ‘Globla Swine Flu Pandemic’ Category

Chinese Chicken

Tuesday, December 21st, 2010

To be an activist, frees you from morality. Just tell them what they want to hear, and carry on with your bitch beating, gun running, slaving, or telemarketing. Look at Julian Assange. Having sex with a woman without her consent is rape, is it not? Learnt that in queer appreciation in math class in the Toronto High School system. But Assange is not Rush Limbaugh. They have to make stuff up about Rush; with Assange, they ignore. Now, how does a wise investor take advantage of that, so as to grow the economy and make Obama look good? With that one end, all means are justified: but which is do-able, with no long term commitment of personal capital? Me, I have decided to sell meat in the black market.

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Have You Got Your H1N1 Shot Yet?

Thursday, December 31st, 2009

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When Margaret Chan, the WHO Chief (not the rock band, but the World Health Organization Chief), was asked if she had been inoculated against the H1N1 virus – this was her response:

“I have asked my medical service to enquire where I can go to get my vaccination,” she told reporters in Geneva, pointing out that she has just returned from leave.

Hmmm, where to go, where to go? I suppose they don’t give out the shots at grocery stores, so I wouldn’t advise Mrs Chan to start there. I’m also pretty sure they don’t give them out at fancy UN gala’s that she no doubt attends every night, so there’s another place to not look for them at. I’m pretty sure they don’t give them out at Sears, Sunoco, Lily Thai Food in Acton Ontario, Lowes, Teddy’s Garden Center, at Maple Leaf games, in my garage, in my bathroom, at Abercrombie & Fitch, under my tea cup, betwixt my thighs, on the stage on the Price is Right, or in her cats litter box.

So where oh where can Margaret Chan possibly get the flu jab? Hmmmmmm, how about, no, I already said they don’t give them out under my tea cup. Wait!!! I got it!!!! Maybe, perhaps, conceivably, just freaking within the realm of possibly, she could get one at her doctor’s.

Mrs Chan could get her “medical service”, who, I might add, are doing a bang-up job of taking care of Mrs Chan, and they could use what we in the west call “a telephone” to call her doctor’s office, and book what we in the west like to refer to as “an appointment” with her personal doctor. Be advised though, Mrs Chan, that you will have to talk to the doctor’s receptionist first in order to book your appointment, the doctor will probably be too busy to speak with you directly. The receptionist will advise you on the remaining details.

I hope I have been of some assistance to Mrs Chan. I’ve always said that we in the medical community need to look out for one another. If you’re wondering why I said “we” when referring to the medical community, it’s not because I’m a doctor, or even that I play one on TV, but rather that I own a scalpel and a long white jacket and give physicals to street urchins.

Here’s a death panel!

Monday, November 2nd, 2009

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See, it never has to be an office with a big “DEATH PANEL” label right on the door. This is why the debate has been so hampered–no government worth its salt is going to simply announce that there are some people better than others and deserve to live or die before others.

That’s what the Vancouver Sun is for:

All shots will be restricted to those in the top two eligible risk groups.

They include people under the age of 65 with chronic conditions such as asthma or diabetes or compromised immune systems, pregnant women past their 20th week, and those living in remote or first nations communities.

As of Monday, the vaccine will also be available to children aged six months to less than five years, some health care workers, and those who live with or care for infants aged under six months and/or care for immune-compromised people.

Only in Vancouver. As it stands, our ambulance drivers have been on strike since April, only working for emergency services. (As opposed to the joyrides most people take in an ambulance.) Even if you get the “emergency service” from the ambulance the co-pay for $80, which is a flat fee all across the province. At least it’s cheap–if you’re deemed an emergency. This is on top of the medically necessary or sometimes elective (depending on who you ask) surgeries that were set to be cut in Metro Vancouver.

The H1N1 flu vaccine is being offered as it stands in Vancouver, but it’s probably not as distributed as much as we’d like to believe. We have a total of 818,000 doses sent to us out of a total population of 4.42 million souls, or roughly enough for one in five people. Meanwhile in the Northwest Territories, they received 34,000 doses (and got them all at once, not in installments like BC) for a population of roughly 43,000, or one dose for every 1.25 people. Perhaps the aboriginal population there is more susceptible or the health priorities have changed, but it’s clear that they have chosen who’s a priority.

The number of deaths in Canada so far have been less than 100 since records were kept in April. Meanwhile, the total number of deaths in Canada from all mutations of the flu can range from 2,000 to 8,000 yearly, according to the PHAC’s website. I’m not in a denial of the effect that H1N1 could have–it was the deadly flu that killed anywhere from 50 to 100 million people from 1918-1920. However, in this case the numbers appear to be wildly inflated as to the overall seriousness of the disease.

I’d almost get you to relax, but there’s some stark evidence that the government cares more for some of its citizens than others. (They also tend to think of 12 pm to 7:30 pm as working “extended hours.”)

“You will be questioned about your health status when you line up,” said the Vancouver Coastal Health region spokesman Gavin Wilson.

“Public health nurses will be asking individuals to come back another time if they don’t meet the criteria.”

You’re not allowed to “jump the queue” in this country to take charge of your own health, but government is in its power to drag you out of the line. A perfect display of rationed and selective care.

Swine Flu Update

Thursday, October 29th, 2009

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Has anyone heard any information about the swine flu yet? I haven’t. The radio is silent, there’s nothing about it on TV, newspapers are completely ignoring the story and everyone around the water cooler are only talking about the start of the Raptors season. Even the internet is void of information. I wonder what they’re trying to hide?

I don’t want to talk to you today about whether or not you should have the Barnyard flu shot, or whether it’s safe, or whether this is some sort of elaborate rouse perpetrated by governments with vested interests to show us that the government can indeed run health care efficiently if and when there is an actual emergency. That’s for a different day.

Today I want to talk to you about what you can do to minimize your risk of getting any flu or cold, not just the Barnyard type.

You have heard the experts already tell you that if you are going to sneeze, do it into your elbow region. If you’re sick, don’t go to work. If you’re leaking and spraying fluids, have the good grace to do it in a dumpster or gutter and stay the hell away from the hospitals. Great, we already know all that, but what else can be done?

First of all, cut waaaaay back on your sugar intake this winter. Sugar can cut your immune system in half in the cold months. Try using half of what you typically use for your coffees and teas, don’t buy cappuccinos until the spring and monitor every food label and make mental notes of how much you use.  Stock up on fruits and vegetables and double your intake of them.

Cut waaaay back on fried foods and processed foods. If you are going to constantly dine out on fried and processed food this winter, you’re asking for trouble. Again, those types of foods brutalize your immune system. Buy fresh, cook it up, and have a water or a juice (not from concentrate is the best) for your meals.

Eat more and better vitamins. Whether this is true or not, I’ve followed this law and it has worked for me for ages. There is one thing I heard a long time ago and it seems to make perfect sense: When you gobble a vitamin C tablet, let’s say 500 mg, your system isn’t actually taking in 500 mg because by the time it gets broken down most of that goodness has gone to other places (I have no idea where those other places are). Therefore, you should be tripling up on vitamin C. Same goes for garlic. Eat lots of it, pill form and otherwise. Cooked garlic doesn’t stink, so you don’t have to worry about offending anyone with your breath. Besides, it’s not your breath that has been offending people all these years.

Avoid public washrooms and crowded areas. It’s pretty much Christmas season and soon every snotty nosed little rodent and all the diseased hordes will ascend upon the suburban malls. It’s going to be like a zombie attack this year. Avoid the hell out of it. Especially avoid public washrooms. And for the love of everything pure, avoid this drill: you take your pee, you wash your hands, you go to leave and GRAB THE DOOR HANDLE. You may as well lick a pigs face.

Every last disgusting dirtbag has had his pee-stained hands on that door handle and here’s you la dee deeing out of the crapper, grabbing onto the handle, then probably brushing your finger into your eye. You are now officially diseased, pal. Always remember, after you thoroughly wash your hands, keep the paper towel with you to open the door. If they only have hand driers, use some toilet paper or a napkin from your pocket. If all else fails, use part of your shirt (like the back or side of your shirt).

Since we are in the Great Recession™, you will find that this year above all the other years, there will be a ton of retail stores that will be staying open later, having midnight madness sales, and some will even stay open 24 hours (Wal mart comes to mind). Use strategic time shopping. If you get the chance to shop at 3 am on a Thursday and it makes sense, by all means take advantage of that. Avoid the crowds. Shop really early or really late. Or cancel Christmas entirely. Do it for the children.

When making a financial transaction, try to avoid paying by cash or debit if you can. Try to pay by credit card. Cash has all sorts of weird bacterias on it, just waiting to jump into your eye on its way down to your lungs. Same with debit cards, the touchpad on a debit machine is like a Haitian pitri dish. When you use a credit card, you give the cashier the card (with your 100% leather glove on your hand), she rings it through, hands it back and you sign with YOUR OWN pen. You have managed to touch nothing. Now go celebrate by touching yourself (???).

And that’s all I have right now, but let’s face it, that is one hell of an impressive list. And I did it all for you. None of that stuff works for me, as I live in a plastic bubble. Like John Travolta did in that movie years ago, remember? Ya, when he was just a teenage homo. Good movie. Good times.

Seasonal Flu Shot Helps Against Swine Flu…Or Not…Possibly

Wednesday, October 7th, 2009

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Depending on which report you believe, getting the annual flu shot may help ward against the swine flu, or might not do anything, or actually be a hindrance. First let’s look at what the Mexicans have to say:

The study, which looked at patients of a small respiratory disease hospital in Mexico City, showed that those who received a flu vaccine during the 2008-2009 flu season were 73% less likely to have been infected with H1N1 swine flu than unvaccinated patients.

Moreover, the study suggested that seasonal flu vaccine might make H1N1 swine flu less severe.

That sounds promising, until you see what an Australian and US study had to say on the matter:

The Mexican data stand in stark contrast to U.S. data and Australian data, which show no hint that seasonal flu vaccination has any effect on the current H1N1 swine flu.

Well, at least getting the seasonal flu shot won’t make people more vulnerable to swine flu. Or not:

An unpublished study from Canada reportedly showed just the opposite of the Mexican study — that seasonal flu vaccine might make people more vulnerable to H1N1 swine flu. U.S. and Australian data offer no support for this hypothesis, either.

And just like gorebal warming, the science is settled.

You can be rest assured that if you get the seasonal flu vaccine, it will help ward off the ill effects of swine flu. Unless it doesn’t. Or it might make you more vulnerable to swine flu. Possibly. Or not. Maybe. Perhaps. Conceivably. Ya never know.

Don’t Let A Good Crisis Go To Waste

Sunday, May 3rd, 2009

Although the Global Swine Flu Pandemic™ has petered out and is showing signs that it is little more powerful than a seasonal cold that can be cured with Anacin and flat ginger ale, it doesn’t mean that the crisis has to go to waste, as evidenced by the confirmation of Kansas Governor Kathleen Sebelius:

The US Senate this afternoon confirmed Kathleen Sebelius as health and human services secretary, completing President Obama’s cabinet, after Democrats pointed to the swine flu crisis as showing the need for action.

Yet a few days before the Global Swine Flu Pandemic™, Seblius’s confirmation was mired in controversy due to her unpaid taxes, her radical pro-abortionist views, and her lying before the Senate:

Republicans who opposed Sebelius’s confirmation cited her ties to George Tiller, a Kansas doctor who performs abortions.

Sebelius wasn’t forthcoming during confirmation hearings about donations received from Tiller, Senator Jim Bunning, a Kentucky Republican, said on the floor.

Sibelius revised her written statement on financial contributions during the confirmation process. She initially told Senator Jon Kyl, an Arizona Republican, that she received $12,450 during an eight-year period through 2001 from Tiller. She later amended her statement, saying a review showed she received $11,100 from Tiller, $2,250 from the doctor’s wife, $2,250 from Tiller’s clinic and $1,000 from a group supporting abortion rights, which “media reports” link with Tiller.

She also said a political action campaign group that mainly supported candidates for the Kansas Legislature had received a total of $23,000 from Tiller and his clinic.

Kansas Gov. Kathleen Sebelius, President Obama’s choice to head the Department of Health and Human Services, did not pay $7,040 in income taxes that she and her husband owed between 2005 and 2007, the White House disclosed Tuesday in another tax-related embarrassment for the new administration.

Sebelius’ tax bill stemmed from insufficient documentation of charitable donations and mistakes in deducting mortgage interest, the governor explained in a letter to the chairman and ranking Republican on the Senate Finance Committee.

Obama is indeed an amazing President, he’s only been in office 100 days, yet he has collected $150,000.00 is back taxes already.

Up until the moment of the Global Swine Flu Pandemic™, Sebelius’s nomination was dead as a doornail, but “never letting a serious crisis go to waste”, the Obama Spin Machine™ leaped into action, with the head bullshitter leading the charge:

“I expect her to hit the ground running,” Obama said after Sebelius took the oath of office. “We had to swear her in right away” because the outbreak of swine flu will need her “immediate attention.”

Sebelius went to the White House situation room after the ceremony for a briefing on the swine flu outbreak from Obama’s homeland security adviser, John Brennan.

The U.S. government can’t wait any longer for a health secretary, Senator Christopher Dodd, a Connecticut Democrat, said on the floor before voting for her confirmation.

“The challenges facing the secretary are so serious,” he said, mentioning the spread of swine flu and the need for health-care overhaul. “

EVERYBODY PANIC!!!! What, the Global Swine Flu Pandemic™ is over already? Never mind then.

Imagine, just a few weeks ago, tax cheat, liar and fraud, Kathleen Sebelius was about to start receiving unemployment benefits, but thanks to the Global Swine Flu Pandemic™, she is now head of the Department for Health and Human Services. And the flu that was suppose to kill the entire world population now only causes a runny nose and mild irritations.

Everything is panic, panic, panic at this White House. The economy can’t last another day with the $900 billion stimulus, so it was done (and then Obama goes on vacation for three days before it is actually signed). The world was going to implode unless the $3.6 TRILLION dollar budget was passed, and so it was done. The world will end unless hundreds of billions is slated for Global Warming™ research and a cap & trade–so it will be done shortly. The world will cease to exist unless universal health care is implemented immediately–so it will be done.

And now the Global Swine Flu Pandemic™. When will America wake up to this nonsense?

The Global Swine Flu Pandemic–Day 8

Thursday, April 30th, 2009

Prior to this morning, I had been held up in my bunker for seven straight days and nights. I had to leave the bunker this morning because I was running dangerously low on supplies. Specifically, I needed more smokes and bourbon. How has the world changed since seven days ago, I wondered? I could only imagine the carnage I was about to see.

I strapped on my Bates Ultra-Lite GTX Boots, put on my DPM combat jacket, and threw a few shells into my ammo dump pouch and hit the road.

I was headed for the Ultra Mart, word is they were having a sale on Prime Sterling AAA Canadian beef. It’s quite delicious actually, and at $4.99 a lb, it’s a fantastic deal. I jumped in my massive gas-guzzling SUV and started on my way.

There were no children playing in their yards, there was no traffic on the streets, there was no activity anywhere. Mind you, it was 4 am, so generally there never is. But this just felt different, like the Global Swine Flu Pandemic™ had devastated my town. I felt sick to my stomach. That could be the Meatza and the three beer I had for breakfast, I couldn’t discount that.

While driving down main street I passed the Taco Bell, a MEXICAN restaurant, and as everyone knows, it’s the Mexicans that have caused The Global Swine Flu Pandemic®. I decided then and there that it was my duty as A World Citizen® to firebomb the Taco Bell.

Fortunately I am always prepared and happened to have a homemade rpg in the back of my massive gas-guzzling SUV. I took it out of the back seat, threw it over my shoulder, said a little prayer to Gaea, and let that bad bastard go. That’ll teach you Mexicans to spread your disease. And it’ll also teach the powers to be at the Taco Bell that charging $1.99 for a soft taco is a crime and won’t be tolerated.

As I watched the smoke rise from the grease bins, I remembered that right next door to the Taco Bell was the Romalski household–A MEXICAN family. Sure, they’ll tell you they’re actually a Polish family, but you know how those Mexicans tend to lie. Going by the adage of better safe than sorry, and figuring I had another warhead at my disposal, I decided that Stanislaw and his comaradas will infect no more. I let the warhead go, and at the exact time the missile crashed into their stoop, I said, “véale más adelante, espuma de la gripe de los cerdos” (see you later, swine flu scum). Sure, it’s a loose translation, but what do I look like, BabelFish?

I did good today, I did damn good. And as I lay on my Ikea Fluffenhepper futon this afternoon (only $399.00 after manufactureres rebate), I knew what I was going to have to do tomorrow: Pay a little visit to my amigos at The Burrito Barn.

We Are All Going To Die–Like Soon

Wednesday, April 29th, 2009

The World Health Organization upgraded the threat level of the Global Swine Flu™ to a pandemic today, sparking fears that the death total that already exceeds zero in North America will soon double or even triple.

Barack Obama has called on Congress for an additional $1.5 billion to upgrade the antiviral stockpiles, and the Egyptian government has decided to cull the entire pig population in Egypt.

All of this information is pointing to one thing and one thing only: We are all fucked.

Sure, a WHO official–and not an official from the band The WHO–but rather a medical official from the World Health Organization said that only 7 people have died and not 152, and there have only been 79 confirmed cases and not 2500, and that no one outside Mexico has died from the Global Swine Flu *Pandemic*™ except for an illegal immigrant baby, but it’s quite obvious from the non-stop 24 hour news coverage of this story, that this thing is deadly serious.

What are the signs you may have contracted this semi-deadly disease? Fever, aches and pains, headaches, sore throat, coughing. Yup, EXACTLY like having a regular flu. EXACTLY the same. NOT ONE BIT OF DIFFERENCE.

But there is a difference, and that difference is the flu you could possibly, maybe, conceivably, perchance get, is/could be, the Global Swine Flu™.

And it’s deadly.

Sort of.

If it fits the narrative.

As a matter of fact, the Global Swine Flu Pandemic™ is so serious that every major airline in Canada and the United States are still flying to Mexico and accepting travelers from Mexico. It is so serious that no one has even considered trying to contain it. It can go through metal, apparently.

The Global Swine Flu Pandemic™ is coming for you and there is nothing you can do about it. It’s relentless. You’ll know you have it when your nose starts to run. What? You already have a runny nose? You’re going to die.

Send Fenris money.