Archive for the ‘Hayden Panettiere’ Category

Nothing To See Here

Sunday, June 17th, 2012

Happy Father’s Day to all the baby fathers of Mitchieville. May your day be filled with sloth and boredom, and may you not be bothered by those you helped conceive.

False Advertising

Saturday, November 28th, 2009


I suppose you never know, maybe she was in Playboy Latvia, circa 1932. Or, Playboy Belarus, circa 2008.

Hayden Panettiere & Her Crappy Tattoo

Friday, May 22nd, 2009


As you know, The Mayor has always had a tremendous affinity for trolls. That’s why when I found out from  that Hayden Panettiere’s tattoo is spelled incorrectly, my eyes became moist with water droplets and my chest began to hurt–it was like small Irish people were River-dancing on my heart:

Panettiere, 19, got inked late last year but it was not until she lay out on the yacht that we could read the elaborate script. Vivere senza rimipianti, it reads, with an extra ‘i’ in rimpianti. The phrase is Italian for “live without regret”, but one cannot help imagining she would be feeliing a liittle of the stuuff.

In a way, this brings Hayden and I even closer together, as now we even have more things in common. You see, I also have a mis-spelled tattoo on my left flank. I got inked last year and asked the inkster to put “Live for the Day” on my most-masculine body. Instead, he put “Live for the Gay”.

Embarrassing? Maybe a little. But no more embarrassing than these awkward breast implants I had installed last year. I asked for a pair of 34b and they gave me 36a. I look like a total freak now!

Hayden Panettiere Is Miserable

Monday, March 9th, 2009

At a red carpet fundraiser benefiting the Rehabilitation Hospital of the Pacific Foundation Sunday in Honolulu, Hayden Panettiere had a meltdown on the reporters that were covering the event:

“Back up!” she yelled at photographers.

After posing for photos, she brushed by reporters.

A female television reporter touched her shoulder and asked, “May we talk with you, Hayden?”

Miffed, the actress jerked her head around and screamed, “Don’t you ever touch me!”

She then icily asked a red carpet handler, “Oh, am I supposed to do interviews?”

Approaching various media outlets, she snapped again: “You all make my life miserable” and refused to answer any questions.

And then she ran away and hid under a bridge.

Hollyweirdos slay me, they work there whole lives trying to get famous, and the minute they get even the slightest bit of popularity, they lash out at those that recognize their fame. Take this little bitch, for instance. She’s on a show that has a cast of about 200 other actors. Other than that, there’s not a thing this tubby lawn gnome has done. Nothing. And now she gets pissed at a reporter that had the nerve to touch her on her beefy shoulders and ask for a interview.

Panetteire thinks it’s the reporters that make her life miserable, but I’m sure if she dug down deep past the cobwebs that fill her bubbled head, she would find that her miserable life has to do with the few redeeming qualities she possesses. I’m no psychologist, but I think it’s safe to say her medical condition is that she sucks.

TLC Revels In Subprime Bullshit

Tuesday, October 14th, 2008

So, the other day Keyser was doing his morning exercises (got to stay fit and trim for the babes!) and milled around on the television, desperately trying to find something to entertain his legs as they go round and round. (As an aside, how can there be so little on given the number of channels that spew out this dreck?) Anyway, Keyser lands on TLC (“The Learning Channel,” he thinks, but that sounds so boring–who’d turn on the television to learn anything?). We appear to be a few minutes into a show called My First Home. Since Keyser missed the beginning, he had to pick up the details as he went along, but here’s the deal as he surmises. (more…)

TV Stars: They Lack PhD’s for a Reason

Friday, October 3rd, 2008

Keyser’s band of loyal readers know he doesn’t do the Perez Hilton thing, and never posts stupid pictures of celebrities for no reason except to abuse them for the amusement of losers who should count themselves lucky to have a fraction of the looks or money of the abused stars (well, almost never). But Keyser came across these pictures of Heroes “star” Hayden Panetierre (or something) trying to use one of those debit gadgets at some store, and felt obliged to post them:

Sexual Harrasment PSA

Monday, April 14th, 2008

Witness the torment Sexual Harassment can have on it’s victims in this newly released Public Service Announcement:

Send Fenris your money!