Archive for the ‘Headlines’ Category

Headline Of The Weak

Saturday, November 10th, 2012

The Mayor is pretty sure that’s where the phrase “Man, she sure has a nice set of puppies” came from.

Some folks might be looking at this and thinking there is something wrong with the lady in question. The Mayor is here to tell you that if it is true that animals are our future, then what this lady is doing is nothing short of heroic. She’s letting a pug dog breast feed right from the tap. There are groups of women from every corner of the world that do the same thing, and they are known as the “Pugly Women.” The Mayor has seen other pictures of these women, and he can tell you that yes, they are certainly pugly.

And A Cow?

Monday, July 9th, 2012

When asked if he did indeed molest those horses, Milton Rathburry exclaimed, “of course of course of course.”

Headline Of The Weak

Thursday, June 14th, 2012

And 73,000 lined up for one of them. Pardon? They mean that 6,000 RIM jobs are going to be lost? Wow, that’s a lot of RIM jobs to lose.

What the heck are we talking about again?

Headline Of The Week

Monday, May 28th, 2012

Today’s Headline of the Week (HotW), comes from The Godless Commie.

The Mayor loves getting electronic letters from the Godless Commie, but the letters always seem to start off the same way; “Comrade, it has been many months since the last time we spoke. Greetings from Soviet Maryland.”

And then he gets into the 5 year plans and New Deals, wrapped in golden chain. And The Mayor wonders, still, The Mayor wonders, who’ll stop the rain?

The Mayor will give you a few moments to ponder his words.

Clear As Mud

Saturday, March 31st, 2012

The sad part is that the opinion in the above column is no more ridiculous than anything that has come out of the environmental movement in the last 30 years.

On a kinda/sorta related note, has anyone noticed that virtually no-one is talking about global warming nowadays even though it’s 80 degrees in March in Canada? The Mayor believes the reason no one is talking about global warming is because secretly the environmentalists love it. Even mental defuncts like the scabs that are the environmental movement, even those rejects love the sun. They love warmth and the sun as much as the next guy. If 80 degrees in Mitchieville in March is the result of global warming, then pass The Mayor a can of aerosol, baby.

Is He Then…Pretending?

Monday, March 19th, 2012

If, in fact, it is actually himself, and not a lawyer pretending to be him.

Does anyone else have a terrible headache right now?

Hard Worker Gets In Trouble

Saturday, March 10th, 2012

The Mayor truly feels sorry for the guy that is getting sued. He tries to do his neighbour a favour, and he gets a lawsuit slapped on him for his troubles. The Mayor supposes that’s the last time he’ll help a friend out by having sexual intercourse with his supermodel wife…72 times

And even though the humper got paid $2500 to do his task, The Mayor has a sneaking suspicion he would have done it for as little as $2000. THAT’S the type of guy he is.

Of Course, Of Course

Wednesday, March 7th, 2012

What a sad, pathetic loser. What a filthy malcontent. Imagine, having sex with 10 horses and a cow. A COW for goodness sake!


Escaped From The Hole

Friday, February 10th, 2012

It’s a little hard to read the article, but the main points go like this: Bum Driller (left), and friends, drilled the bum of the man on the right of the picture, butt the man on the right did not want his bum drilled. The man on the right called the police who in turn picked up Bum Driller. Before he could be sentenced, Bum Driller pulled out of the hole and slipped away. The police are now searching for a Bum Driller, hoping to put him back into their hole. As a matter of fact, the police will not be satisfied until they stick Bum Driller back into their dank, cold, gaping hole.

Could Have Taken Out An Eye

Tuesday, January 31st, 2012

The Mayor doesn’t want to know where it came from. Actually, he’s kinda curious. Actually, he’s very curious. Man, where the hell did it come from?

The Mayor is quite sure the good citizens of Mitchieville will have the answer.

Thank You Public School System

Thursday, August 11th, 2011

Man, is “Observer in Hampton” ever stupid. Everyone knows that it’s Gorebal Warming® that’s melting the snow faster, NOT daylight savings time. Sheesh. Stupid kids and their damn rock ‘n roll music.

It’s Funny Cuz It’s Not Me

Tuesday, April 19th, 2011

I’m not sure what’s funnier – whether it’s that buddy got terribly cut, terribly burned, or when he had his collarbone broken due to brazen incompetence by state-controlled healthcare workers.

Maybe it’s a combination of all three.