The picture on the left shows a 46 (ish) year old Joan Van Arc. The picture on the left shows a 66 year old Joan Van Arc, now nicknamed “Arc of the covenant.”

The Mayor never thought Joan Van Arc to be sexy, she was always kinda there, like the closing time 2 am pick-up at the local watering hole. Hole being the operative word here. So, having not found Arc that attractive to begin with, it’s hard to knock her down any further because she hasn’t really slid into the gaping pit of ugliness any further. Not that she was ever ugly, just that she was never that attractive.

She has, however, had a bundle of plastic surgery just to retain her ordinary looks. Her face has been stretched and lifted at least a few times, and she’s had weekly botox for probably the last 25 years or so. She bleeds botulinum toxin like Rosie O’Donnell bleeds gravy. Now Arc needs to work on finding a decent hairstylist and doing something with that lizard neck of hers and she’d be doing alright.

Joan Van Arc – how uninteresting, eh folks?

Hey look, it’s Brigitte Nielson! Hey, look again, it’s someone wearing Parachute Pants. Welcome to the 80’s again, let’s hope fashion gets better and the chicks lose that huge hair look they loved so much back then.

Brigitte Nielson, wow, I’ll be damned. I’ll be damned because I know next to nothing about her. I do know that she married that steroid abuser Sylvester Stallone. I do know she was really tall. And I also know that she is someone I hadn’t thought about since 1983 or so.

But here she is again,with more miles on her than my 93 Honda Civic. Yup, Brigitte Nielson. Yes siree. Brigitte Nielson.

Man, she sure looks like shit, eh?

My, Jennifer Aniston hasn’t changed much since the days of her high school prom. She still has that same warm, inviting smile, that attention to fashion detail, and of course, that Jay Leno-ish jaw. And it looks like the pick-of-the-litter asked Jennifer to the prom that year – Teddy Rumpswinkle. Ole Teddy was the darling of the class of 1983. Sure, he wasn’t the smartest kid in class, and it’s obvious he wasn’t the best looking either, but he more than made up for his shortcomings by dating the easiest girl west of Chattanooga.

Teddy only had three or four good teeth, the rest fell out due to neglect, but that didn’t stop Jennifer from saddling up to Teddy’s meat wagon. Ya, he had one leg shorter than the other and he always had “things” hanging out of his nose, but funny enough, that was a fetish of Jennifer’s. His fingernails were long and green, he smelled like burnt popcorn, and he couldn’t grown facial hair, but other than the gross fingernails, it was like Jennifer and Teddy were separated at birth.

Teddy and Jennifer broke up the night of the prom, it was quite a scene. It was all due to what these two kids later referred to as a “breakdown in communication. “Apparently, Teddy didn’t like the way Jennifer pecked at her fruit salad like she was some sort of demented ADHD seagull on a cob of corn; while Jennifer showed her jealous streak when she caught Teddy giving mouth-to-mouth resuscitation to Prom Queen Julie Nooget’s “love package” in the girls locker room.

Suffice to say Teddy and Jennifer broke up and went their separate ways. Teddy never got his diploma, dropped out of school after being diagnosed as functionally retarded, and a few years later went on to become one of the leaders of the Democrat Party of Southern Michigan. As for Jennifer, well, she ended up servicing a goodly portion of the school’s sports teams and was nicknamed “hump Muppet” by the starting rotation of her school’s baseball team. She was voted “Most likely to die of complications due to gonorrhea”, and then went on to *star* in terribly boring movies that only women with very short hair can watch.

If your own local beach ever gets infested by Hayden Panettiere’s, the first ting you should do is call PCI and have them eradicated. You can do the job yourself, but chances are you’ll only take care of the surface Hayden Panettiere’s and totally miss the ones burrowed in the sand.

Take care of the little buggers immediately before they spread, cuz once they get bigger there’s no stopping the amount of annoyance that comes out of their mouths.

There were a few things that startled The Mayor when he was looking at these pictures of a young Pamela Anderson last night, 1) What an incredible beauty Pamela once was, perhaps one of the prettiest women The Mayor has ever seen, and 2) how intimidated most men are when they see me in a tight fitting t-shirt.

Nowadays, Pamela Anderson doesn’t look anywhere near as good as she did in these pictures; drugs, hep c, and having multiple enhancements via the plastic surgery route and whatnot, have made a once delectable young woman into something that reminds me of the chicken gordida I ordered from Taco Bell a few weeks ago, and I suppose the guy who made it stuck it in its cheap wrapper, then punched the gordida through the wrapper, and when I opened it, there was this squished piece of crap laying dead in my wrapper and I could have sworn it looked as if something died in there and I nearly vomited.

That’s EXACTLY what she looks like now. Plus she’s an idiot, so that doesn’t help.

Larry King’s wife, Shawn King, is recovering after a drug overdose last month in Utah:

Emergency medical workers were called to Shawn King’s home in Provo on May 28. Her father dialed 911 after finding the 50-year-old woman in her bed, breathing but not responding when he tried to wake her.

He told dispatchers that he thought she may have taken too much medication for anxiety or depression.

Larry and Shawn King filed for divorce in April, but Larry King released a statement Wednesday saying their marriage is still together.

King spokesman Howard Rubenstein says Shawn King is in good shape and enjoying her life.

Indeed. It sounds like her life is all roses and sunshine.

From what I gather, Shawn King doesn’t take “depression medication” because of her stressful marriage meltdown to Larry a few months back, but rather, she takes “depression medication” because her marriage is back on with Larry King. Just the shock of knowing she had a chance to walk away from being married to something you have to dust every day, but didn’t, is enough to make anyone go all Jimi Hendrix with the medication.

This is your proof positive that money does NOT buy you happiness. Shawn King probably thought she had it made the day Larry laid his glaucoma-laded eyes on her. Sure, at first I’m sure she was impressed by his smokers voice, the little puddles of drool that formed in the corners of his mouth when he spoke, and the skin that would fall off his forehead when he walked, but a few years later those things weren’t cute any more, they were disgusting.

Shawn probably thought Larry had a few years left in him before he expired, and then she could waddle up to the money buffet and cash in. But Larry is doing his best impression of Methuselah and is still kicking around. One day, Shawn woke up, to urine stained sheets no doubt, and realized she had just wasted over a decade of her life servicing a dinosaur and listening to his boring, stupid stories about the time he interviewed Joan Rivers and other assorted craptacious crappy crap.

So she reached for the pain medication – probably Flintstones Chewables if I’m reading this slab of stupid correctly – and swallowed three Wilma’s, four Bamm Bamm’s, and a handful of Fred’s. The next thing you know, her father is standing over top of her trying to wake her up, the medics are pumping her stomach and Larry is pissing into a fern.

The rest is history, but the fact remains – idiot is still married to someone that makes Helen Thomas palatable.

What the hell happened to Sharon Stone over the years, she looks like a Faces of Meth posted child. No one, and I mean NO ONE can get away with wearing a headband like that. She looks like a washed-out Axl Rose. Welcome to the jungle, beotch.

The truly sad part about these pictures is that the one on the left was taken in the spring of 1987. The picture on the right was taken in the fall…of 1987.

Sex in the City opened this past weekend to poor reviews, and that translated into a softer box office than expected:

Even with bad reviews and a running time of nearly two and a half hours for “Sex and the City 2,” many in Hollywood had expected the sequel to open at No. 1.

But the fourth “Shrek” installment, itself opening far below the previous sequels, held up strongly in its second weekend.

Women made up 90 per cent of the audience for “Sex and the City 2,” which reunites the stars of the HBO series — Sarah Jessica Parker, Kim Cattrall, Kristin Davis and Cynthia Nixon — for an adventure in Abu Dhabi.

Sounds delicious. The Mayor just doesn’t understand why movie-goers aren’t flocking to see this movie. It has everything anyone would ever want in a flick - Two and a half hours of rich, spoiled, horse-faced women hanging out at a $25,000 a night hotel in Abu Dhabi; and while not complaining about how terrible their lives are, are yucking it up about menstrual cycles, menopause, and various other keraaaazy fun topics.

I heard at the end of the movie, the one Sex in the City lady, I’m not sure which one, was so desperate for sex, that she stood in the middle of a busy market – now keep in mind she’s in a strict Moslem country – and waved a condom about yelling “I have sex, I have sex”, all this while the Islamic men were on their way to the Mosque for prayer.

If the tears aren’t rolling down your face right now, then I’m afraid you have zero sense of humour.

Gary passed away a few days ago, and The Mayor decided to pay tribute to him; I went to the local pub and ordered a half pint in his honour.

Ka-Ching – is to blame for all of this

The Mayor is in his early 40’s, so the shows I watched growing up as a kid were ones that were mostly in the mid to late 70’s. It was a great time for tv; the shows were mostly innocent, as in no swearing, little to no gratuitous violence and the sexual references weren’t too overt. Unlike today.

Today, there is a steady stream of smut-like shows on the tube. Sure, The Mayor likes his smut as much as the next guy, but when it comes to really entertaining kid-appropriate shows, our children have basically zilch to watch. They would be lucky to have our lame and silly shows from the 70’s.

One of The Mayor’s favourite shows growing up was Happy Days. Happy Days was the epitome of cheese. It was the omelet du fromage of cheesy shows. But I loved it. Everyone loved it. How could you not? Perhaps if you had no soul you might have hated it.

Happy Days had a great set of characters; the Fonz, Richie, Potsie, Ralph, Little Joe, Joanie, Mr C, Mr Kotter, etc.

And out of all the characters on that wonderful show, by far, the best character had to be…

(more…)

When I first heard that Gabourey Sidibe made People’s Magazine Top 100 Most Beautiful People list, I thought maybe there was some mistake and that she was actually suppose to have won the People’s Magazine Top 100 People Who Can Completely Take Down, Strip and Eat A Full Size Bison In One Sitting list.

I know beauty is subjective, but vision can be corrected by Lasek surgery, and Gabourey Sidibe is about as beautiful as nasal drip. For God’s sake, she’s wearing a honeycomb around her neck and I have a good feeling she drank the rest of the hive. The last time I saw arms like that on a woman is never. They say that wearing black is slimming. Ya, wrap that around your head for a stretch. Man, her fingers look like Pogo’s. Her stomach looks like a tsunami is approaching. Since Michelle Obama is fighting childhood obesity, I have an address she might want to call in on.

Well, I hope People’s Magazine is mailing this award out, because I have a sneaking suspicion Gabourey Sidibe isn’t about to walk up on stage any time soon to collect it.

**BTW – Megan Fox was NOT on the list

Ya.

It’s amazing, but even Whitney Houston is morphing into the singer Meatloaf. Black, white, young, old, tall or short, if you’re an entertainer, one day you will morph into Meatloaf. As for Whitney, she actually got a double dose, as she not only morphed into the entertainer Meatloaf, she’s also morphing into the entree meatloaf, and all because she probably needs to cut back on those heaping helpings of meatloaf.

Looking at the picture, one would think that’s a microphone attached to the side of Houston’s head, but one would be wrong. It’s actually the entrails of a bison Houston just attacked, killed and ate at the Great American Buffet (over 200 locations to serve you better).

Houston may claim she will Always Love You, but she always says that right before she throws her food in the stew pot.