Archive for the ‘Hollyweirdo's’ Category

Mina Suvari – A Tale Of Two Tale’s

Thursday, February 9th, 2017

Any guy that had been dumped by Suvari when she was a cold-stone fox is thanking their lucky stars right about now. She may have broken a lot of hearts a few years back, but now all she is breaking are eyeballs.

The Mayor supposes that if Mina Suvari was going for the Ukrainian washer-woman look, she must be ecstatic that she not only beat her own expectations, but she completely annihilated them.

Goldie Hawn Is 71

Wednesday, January 18th, 2017

It’s a beautiful thing to watch an elderly person age gracefully. To watch them embrace life and live every day with a zeal and a positive attitude. It’s quite another thing to do that while not wearing a bra and having your breasts hang so low they are in danger from getting ant bites. But The Mayor is going to give Goldie Hawn a break, he’s not going to rip into her. On the contrary. The Mayor is just going to thank Goldie for being Goldie and wish her the bestest best. Thank you for being you, Goldie.

But seriously though, throw those things over yer shoulder and put on a smock or something.

A Poo Load Of Condolences

Sunday, January 8th, 2017

While there would be many people who would say Mitchieville has turned into little more than a hate-filled dumping ground centered around Amy Schumer and Carrie Fisher, The Mayor vehemently disagrees. Mitchieville is also a hate-filled dumping ground against immigration, liberalism, multiculturalism, cuckservatism, egalitarianism, and anything Hollywood (redundant.)

Funny though, when put in those terms, it seems Mitchieville is a pretty cool place.

Hate on, muh brutha’s and sista’s!

Thicke In The Head

Friday, December 30th, 2016

Carrie Fischer learned the hard(est) way that when you insult The Donald there is a good chance random Mexican’s will be shoveling dirt on your face within hours of said insult. Alan Thicke knew this and still went ahead and blabbered nonsense against The Donald. Thicke didn’t get a 2 minute minor for his transgression, he got a lifetime suspension instead. In a coffin.

Who’s next? How about you, George Michael, do you have anything to say about The Donald?

Vivienne Westwood – Don’t Let Them Eat Cake

Wednesday, November 26th, 2014

In an interview with The Telegraph UK, “fashion designer” Vivienne Westwood gives us her thoughts on obesity among Britain’s poor:

“People who can’t afford to buy organic food should eat less and stop getting fat.”

Whether you agree with Vivienne Westwood’s comments or not, whether you think she is right or wrong or somewhere in the middle, the one thing The Mayor is positive we can all agree on is that it is hard to take someone seriously when they are as fucking ugly as Vivienne Westwood.

If Scarlett Johansson had said those same words as Vivienne Westwood, we might have said that Johansson was a stupid, ignorant ass, but at least she’s as hot as dripping syphilis. Whereas anything Vivienne Westwood says can never be taken seriously  (especially on the topic of food, because she looks like she’s fed chum by Filipino fishermen) because of her major ugly problem.

Vivienne Westwood would be better suited hanging by her legs at a Mexican child’s birthday party while revellers beat her with sticks until candy exits her bone-rack stomach, than ever opening up that festering gob and spewing ugly.

The Mayor sticks by his comments, and he doesn’t care if Vivienne Westwood never again invites him over to her winter chalet for cheese and select trays of crackers. Besides, her crackers are whole wheat trash and the cheese she serves smells like a dead homeless man that has been laying in the burning sun for 70 hours.

Hollyweird Height Chart

Monday, January 14th, 2013

Other notable shorties include Dudley Moore at 5′2″, Seth Green at 5′4″, and Rick Moranis at 5′4″.

Then there are those actors who tower over these vertically challenged Smurf jockey’s, like, Tom Cruise, Al Pacino, and true to his last name, Martin Short – all 5′7″.

Remember – It’s a small world, after all.

Nicolas Cage Losing His Shit

Sunday, June 17th, 2012

There’s some shit Cage loses in this video that when you see it, YOU’LL actually be embarrassed. The major embarrassment starts at about 20 seconds, and ends at 4:14 when the video ends.

Glamourous

Thursday, June 7th, 2012

It’s a sight to behold when all the beautiful peoples get together under one roof. It takes The Mayor’s breath away when he sees all these fabulous and gorgeous peoples gathered together. Take Donatella Versace, as an example. Strikingly good looks, obvious superior muscle tone, and when she smiles she could light up all of North Korea for upwards of 3.5 hours. Ans she’s also a wonderful human being as you can clearly see. Imagine, raising her hand to stop traffic so the regular Joe’s can get out of their Smart cars in order to get a picture of her. Wow, she’s awesome. Woe is The Mayor. Woe, woe, woe.

Kelly McGillis – What The Hell Happened?

Monday, May 7th, 2012

Tom Cruise is an alien, and aliens don’t age, so he has an excuse. But Kelly McGillis? What the hell happened? Now she looks like your mom. Not The Mayor’s mom, but YOUR mom. Don’t talk about my mom…she can hear you.

Hulk Unhappy

Friday, April 20th, 2012

To make matter worse, when they did finally get around to getting the Hulk some coffee, it was that crap Seattle’s Best swill. Talk about a freak out.

Don’t make the Hulk thirsty, you won’t like him when he’s thirsty.

Dick Clark – RIP

Thursday, April 19th, 2012

Who’s going to spin the wheel now that he’s gone? Maybe Vanna.

I Pity The Foo

Monday, April 9th, 2012

The Mayor’s favourite quote by Mr T goes something like this, “As a kid, I got three meals a day. Oatmeal, miss-a-meal and no meal.”

He probably never said that, but who really cares? Not The Mayor, that’s for daaaaamn sure.

Here’s another quote Mr T may or may not have said (he never said it, but it’s appropriate and timely) “Someone should tell that poor girl that the machine she’s on aint gonna get her to the boofaaaay table any quicker.”

Mr T – you’ll be the death of us.