Archive for the ‘Hollyweirdo's’ Category

Rosie Gets Pw’OWNED

Monday, April 2nd, 2012

Rosie O’Donnell – seen in picture showing reporters how big her anus is – was shit-canned from the Oprah Network weeks ago (The Mayor was on his The Mayor World Tour 2012© and couldn’t get around to posting it at the time, but had to revisit this piece of news).

Here’s what the less chubby of the two behemoths had to say (Oprah):

“I thank Rosie from the bottom of my heart for joining me on this journey.”

And what a garbage journey that must have been. Going on a journey with either one of those lards must be a journey from hell. It would be like journeying off to a sliver factory where they strip you naked and slide you up and down bare planks. That would be terrible, you fetish monkey. And then after that journey, you take another journey to the vinegar factory, where fat, Turkish man-boys lather up your slivered body in extra tart vinegar. From there your journey takes you to a UN peacekeeper barrack where you are toyed with and fondled by greasy, hairy European men who sport less than a tooth a piece and haven’t showered ever. Finally, your journey takes you to Rosie O’Donnell’s house where you have to watch her eat lunch. Oh for the love of any God but the Christian God, bring me back to the sliver factory!

“The Rosie Show” launched Oct. 10, 2011, drawing barely a half million viewers. The format of the show, which taped at Harpo Studios in Chicago, was tweaked over the next five months but was unable to improve its ratings.

Funny how a whale like O’Donnell taped her show at Harpo Studios. Me wonders whether it was an actual studio, or a target practise range for Japanese fishermen?

It was a great year for me. I wish the show was able to attract more viewers, but it did not. So I am headed back to my home in New York, with gratitude. On we go!”

Snort. The Mayor can picture in his mind after she said that, she turned, and stink lines rose from the cracked pavement whence she stood.

One white skank down, one black one to go.

Remembered

Tuesday, February 14th, 2012

It has been a rough couple of days around Mitchieville; since the passing of Whitney Houston nothing seems right. It’s been made even harder because of the picture The Mayor posted the other day, and the following comments from folks telling him the picture wasn’t even that of Whitney. Believe The Mayor when he tells you, he knows what Whitney looks like.

Why is The Mayor so convinced he knows what Whitney looks like? Because he worked with Whitney to produce a very famous song. Here are some of the lyrics Whitney and The Mayor collaborated on, you may recognize the tune:

Our newborn King to see, pa rum pa pum pum
Our finest gifts we bring, pa rum pa pum pum
To lay before the King, pa rum pa pum pum,
Rum pa pum pum, rum pa pum pum,
So to honor Him, pa rum pa pum pum,
When we come

Boy, that sure sums of Whitney’s life. Especially the part when she sings “when we come.”

The Mayor sure misses Whitney, as he is sure you do as well.

Here’s another picture to remember her by (above – the picture is above).

Whitney Houston & Bobby Brown – The Best Of Times

Monday, February 13th, 2012

Boy, it seems like just yesterday when Whitney and Bobby showed the world what true love meant. From what The Mayor read at the time, there weren’t two people in the whole world who meant as much to each other as those two crazy, wacky kids. They loved. They cared. They cried. They loved some more. And now Whitney is gone and Bobby has a broken heart. Bobby’s heart is probably the same colour as Whitney’s face when he pounded the shit out of her because he loved her so much. Yup. Love hurts. Ya ya.

RIP Whitney Houston

Sunday, February 12th, 2012

What a shocker. The Mayor was applying strawberry jam to his toast when he heard the terrible news that Whitney Houston was found dead in her bathtub from, ahhhhh, errrr, bathing too much, The Mayor supposes.

First her brother Michael dies from a drug overdose, and now a few short years (or year, or months, whatever), Whitney takes a water nap. Not bloody fair, not bloody fair.

RIP, Whitney. We will always love you (you knew that was coming , assholes).

McCaulay Culkin’s Looking Good

Friday, February 10th, 2012

Taking a look at this picture, you quickly realize why Catherine O’Hara and John Heard left this kid alone all the time. It wouldn’t surprise The Mayor if he found out that they actually hired Harry and Marv to kidnap “Kevin” and encase his body in concrete over the fear that the little crackhead might one day breed.

It’s funny in a way though, “Kevin’s” famous line is the same line The Mayor used when he first glanced at this picture – “Aaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!”

Christina Aguilera Is Demanding

Wednesday, February 8th, 2012

Christina Aguilera is involved in some show called “The Voice” (The Mayor has no idea either, so settle down), and sources (not The Mayor’s sources, he doesn’t hang around chatty AIDS infected Hollyweirdo scumbag types) say Aguilera not only has a shitty name, but since she’s gained 300 -400 lbs, she’s become a royal beotch:

A petite 5-foot-2,the 31-year-old Grammy winner once weighed a super-slim 100 pounds. But the “Dirrty” singer re­cently ballooned to around 140 pounds, and she’s desperate to hide the extra weight for the new season of the NBC talent show that was launching Feb. 5, said the source.

“Christina holds up pro­duction with her constant demands, saying, ‘Don’t make me look fat’ or ‘Don’t show my butt,’ ” the insider revealed.

“She’s insisted the cam­eramen only shoot her at flattering angles, forcing a few segments to be reshot. She also demands that the stylists bring her the latest slimming fashions, and she’s always ordering the makeup artists to make her face look thin­ner.”

Captain, I’m cameraman, not a magician!

If this Aguilera unit wants to lose 30lbs of ugly fat, and since chopping off her head isn’t an option, she might want to consider dropping the fork and getting on a treadmill. Whatever weight loss program she’s on (if eating until you vomit blood is an actual weight-loss program), it aint working. The Mayor heard that having intercourse will make the average person lose 300 calories, but since she has turned into such a disgusting monster, The Mayor supposes that’s another option that’s out the window. Unless you would like to volunteer? No, not you, the blind virgin who’s sitting beside you.

*The National Enquirer

Tom Cruise Laughing

Tuesday, February 7th, 2012

Whoever the Google Searcher was on this sure nailed the hell out of it. Tom Cruise isn’t just laughing, he’s laughing like a batshit crazy asshole. Like what the search box says. Man, that really is accurate, ainit?

Sarah Jessica Parker Auditions For Yu Gi Oh, The Movie

Tuesday, January 17th, 2012

The Mayor can’t think of a better leading lady for this movie than SJP. Not only is she perfect in the roll, but the producers don’t even have to pay her in cash – just a few apples and a salt-lick.

Selena Gomez – First World Problems

Tuesday, January 17th, 2012

Poor thing. It makes you wonder how anyone could survive something like that.

Selena Gomez – seen here frolicking at the beach – has had some serious first world problems in her time. Imagine, having to buy food from a dollar store. How utterly embarrassing.

However, The Mayor has a story he hasn’t told before, a story that kind of puts the whole poverty thing into perspective. It happened about 15 years ago. The Mayor sent his houseboy, Cheeves, to Sobeys to pick up some AAA prime rib for a bbq he was having with friends that evening. Cheeves went away and picked up the food and we proceeded to have a bbq like we planned. Well, about 40 minutes into the bbq, The Mayor had to go inside to use the toilet, and he happened to walk into the kitchen and spotted the wrapper the meat came in. Upon further inspection, The Mayor saw that it wasn’t AAA prime rib, but AA prime rib.

The horrors!

About puking blood for a good 20 minutes, The Mayor promptly (if that can be considered prompt) went to the backyard and kicked everyone out. He couldn’t stand the potential embarrassment this could and very well might or may cause. The end. Get out. The Mayor’s meat is Grade A dog food.

And that’s the story. And it’s all pretty much true.

Sure, The Mayor’s story didn’t exactly have to do with living in poverty like those Mexican welfare cases called the Gomez’s. And sure, The Mayor didn’t have to stoop to buying Italian pastas from dollar stores. And sure, The Mayor beat his dirtbag houseboy Cheeves to within an inch of his worthless life for serving up shoe leather with a delicious gourmet barbecue sauce applied to it. But when all was said and done…hmmmm, kinda lost the thread of this post. Where was I again?

Not too sure.

Let’s just leave it at that.

Easy Like Sunday Morning

Sunday, November 6th, 2011

The Mayor pulled this picture of Sharon Stone from a post he didn’t bookmark. So no link. Not that you really care. But the author of the post claimed this is Sharon Stone sans make-up. The Mayor on the other hand thinks not.

The Mayor isn’t denying the 53 year old Sharon Stone looks great in this picture, as she certainly does. But if you got a blast from the make-up shotgun, had tons of radical reconstruction plastic surgery, and got to laze around all day at spa’s and whatnot, The Mayor is sure your buddies wouldn’t be so quick to apply that “Lumpy” nickname they gave you 23 years ago.

The Mayor has cataloged what the real Sharon Stone looks like time and time again. And it aint good.

However, since Easy Like Sunday Morning is suppose to be a feature to put you at peace and ease, it wouldn’t be right to end this post with those two pictures. Instead,  The Mayor will leave you with a picture he’s sure everyone can agree brings peace and happiness to even the darkest heart.

Steven Tyler Is Looking Good

Friday, October 28th, 2011

Fall down, bump, ouch:

The incident occurred on Tuesday, when Tyler says he walked into his hotel shower in Paraguay, “got nauseous (from food poisoning), started to get sick and I fell on my face and I just passed out.”
But this was not a fall off of the wagon, says Tyler, who relapsed from decades of sobriety in late 2009 and underwent three months of rehab. “That’s not the issue,” he told Lauer.
“It’s nothing I don’t understand. It makes me a little upset. But I get that people think that. It’s something that bothers me and it’s something I’ll have to deal with for the rest of my life.”

 Another explanation is that Tyler had radical facial reconstruction in his bid to look exactly like Steve Buscemi. Separated at birth, if you ask The Mayor. They even share the same first name.

Suspicious. Very suspicious.

Is Jessica Simpson Preggers?

Thursday, October 27th, 2011

When The Mayor was young man, he would go out to certain establishments on Friday and Saturday nights with the intention of meeting a young woman, hoping to foster a relationship with her that would bloom into something greater as time progressed. However, often The Mayor would meet some form of sluttage at these establishments, and fostering a long term relationship with said sluttage more or less went out the door, as The Mayor suddenly became more interested in getting them drunk and naked and performing disgusting, lewd acts in front of his video camera.

Often these sluttages The Mayor speaks of weren’t exactly what one would call *top shelp*. They were more *bottom shelf* and would often perform disgusting, lewd acts for little more than a few doughnuts and maybe a can of Sprite. 96.8% of these doughnut/Sprite performers had one thing in common – they were monsters. As in, they were ginormous.

Of all the ginormous monsters The Mayor had the unpleasure of meeting, 97.4% had an excuse for their ginormosity. Not one monster told The Mayor they were monsters because they ate too bloody much and had no self-control, they always had some sort of excuse that explained away their ginormocity that never had anything to do with themselves. It was always a *hormonal imbalance*, or *genetic*, or some sort of cyst. It never had to do with the fact that they ate 12,000 calories a day and never exercised.

So, if Jessica Simpson isn’t pregnant, The Mayor is awfuly curious which ginormous monster excuse she’ll pull out of her chocolate stained pocket?