The Saturn-Pluto square that has been destroying the progressive movement across the planet takes a break this week with Saturn going retrograde. Sort of. An angry Jupiter continues his lightning bolt attacks against people who break oaths and oppress taxpayers. Interesting times, eh what?
Expect more terrible storms as the Thunder God, Jupiter makes things happen his way, and makes it snappy with a few well timed bolts of lightning. Jupiter, a ruling planet in the sign of Pisces, seems to have a bit of grudge on for those that mess with the free markets and property rights. Jupiter rules good faith in contracts, which the ancients called ‘oaths’. Jupiter does not like oath breakers, apparently. Allied, right now, with the Plutonic forces of the underworld, Jupiter is being drawn into a war of attrition between Pluto and Saturn. Saturn sits exalted in Libra, and so is untouchable to Jupiter’s current rule of the heavens. So, we have conflict. A background conjunction of Venus and Uranus in Pisces adds some color: expect some sudden revelations of a pleasant kind relating to scientific breakthroughs.
This week begins in the aftermath of a full moon; a full moon along the Aquarius-Leo axis. This will be a week focused on ‘things getting smaller’. So, choose carefully what you want to ‘get small’. And watch out for the spreading madness out there: an epidemic of madness is gaining steam as a ruling Jupiter takes his time to catch up to Uranus.
Aries: You are too closely watched to carry off that bank robbery you have planned for this week. The opposite sex finds your irresistible, and you will find yourself covered with bite marks by Friday. Wear your spiffy shoes.
Taurus: There is a conspiracy active at your work. They are plotting. They are bent on an overthrow of authority and its replacement with anarchy. Now, what is in your best financial interests, Taurus? And, do you get stuck with the heavy lifting, er, burying, with either the coup or the counter-coup? Considerations over your morning bran muffin, Taurus.
Gemini: Cutlery just slows you down. Food takes on an orgasmic quality for you this week. Forks and knives are just a fetish for the jaded. Practical considerations, such as volume and through-put will be on your mind.
Cancer: A lingering suspicion that you have been cheated will drip into your conscious mind this week. Make plans for something vengeful, but hold off on putting that scorpion in their desk for a few weeks. Perhaps your trademark Cyanide cupcakes are called for.
Leo: Gosh, it is nice to be you this week. Although you are thwarted in the tactical sense, your victory is assured in the strategic. So, restock your supply of sex toys, and even buy some new ‘I am a sex god’ underwear. Your look good in metallic gold spandex as always, Leo.
Virgo: You are opposed by incompetents this week. Where do they all come from? The real answer, which you will discover this week, is that they are projections from another dimension. When you run down some shuffling clod on Tuesday, at your favorite intersection for such things, they will disappear and not make that comforting ‘thump-thump’ when you reverse over their cranium. That is how you find out.
Libra: Exalted Saturn in your sign means good stuff for you, Libra. You will, however, notice that your good fortune needs a steady supply of life force. Why be selfish and only sacrifice yourself for your own benefit. Others should be found. They do not even need to know that their life force is being consumed to, say, give you a free tank of gas, or perfect hair.
Scorpio: If you find that your sex organs of attraction are getting bigger (ergo, more attractive), then you are right. Your latent abilities to control matter with your naked will will manifest strongly this week. Especially Friday, when even crowds of people or packs of dogs can be directed by your thoughts. So, avoid angry thoughts while driving, or at least direct them into bridge abutments.
Sagittarius: Your collection of cash register receipts will prove to be a windfall. No so your holdings in carbon credits. You will be one of the first to make a killing dumping those worthless pieces of paper onto some luckless widow, simpleton orphan, or bonehead activist.
Capricorn: Listening to someone moan in pain as they struggle to get through the work day will be music to your ears this week, Capricorn. As they shuffle to the bathroom, wincing, you will be torn between a decision to smile, or to cry. You know it is not good to let others know how much you enjoy human suffering, and then again, it is good to show your smile.
Aquarius: Take note of who is and is not very enthusiastic about your birthday. Loyal citizens will be engaged in a surprise party for honoring your contributions to society. And the presents better be expensive and tasteful. You are in charge.
Pisces: Something unholy has moved into the dark space under your kitchen sink. Be careful, or progressive social activists will give it entitlements and the right to vote. Even your loyal house cat does not like it.
You know, as an astrologer I was surprised when that big earth quake happened, down in Haiti. Jupiter was transiting into Pisces, which it rules. Ruling Jupiter is good, in fact of the many good things that can happen, it is in the top ten.
Now, the downside was the background square between Pluto and Saturn, which is about as bad as you get in astrology. And the transit of Jupiter into Pisces ( ascending the throne part of the sign ) certainly did activate those two warring war gods, for both Pluto and Saturn are gods of the underworld, with access to cheap, large armies, wheelbarrows of money, and Prussian manpower. So, yes, when the disaster occured (the earthquake), you had this saving throw, so to speak, of ruling Jupiter to make things better. And yes, a big humanitarian air lift would be indicated by Jupiter, which is nice to have lying around in the Astral Plane for when you need one.
But, according to basic astrological theory, Jupiter is the ruler of earthquakes, not Saturn nor Pluto. Which is doubly unsettling, because, firstly, Jupiter as benefic should not be taking life, which the earthquake did; secondly, Jupiter rules and controls earthquakes, especially as Jupiter is ruling in Pisces. If you apply Astrology 101, you are saying that Jupiter walloped Haiti, and it was for our own good. Like winning the lottery. And in a country without free speech, you cannot say such a thing.
Aside from the issue of if it is true or not, if you just accept my conclusion as a premise, and run with this system: transits to the static Saturn-Pluto square trigger big events; then the next significant transit is that of the Sun in Aries. Jupiter may rule Pisces, but the Sun is exalted in Aries. The Sol Invictus of the pagan Holiday will come again. That is going to happen soon. That is going to happen on March 26, 2010, a Friday. Hmmm.
Ah, your commute home should be interesting.
Lucky you, Jupiter has moved into gentle Pisces. This is a good omen for those not selected by The Final Decision Maker to go insane, and also good for health care professionals. As for the ongoing galactic wide space war going on in the Crab Nebula, you can get a good view of the pretty twinkling of the fusion weapons as the night wears on.
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Neptune will continue to make things to his liking, and that earthquake in Haiti will be considered the disaster that keeps on giving. It will also act to distract the people from other issues, and put focus on issues that the aristocrats would rather not have attention. Such is Neptune. Otherwise, the sun leaves Capricorn this week, so expect some sudden development on Thursday.
Aries: Ah, those darn telemarketers. You will get several annoying calls this week. Just pretend to not be yourself. And your vehicle needs some preventative maintenance.
Taurus: Too much fun for you? Never. Just accept the fact that you are a sex god. And you too shall be tormented by telemarketers, too. You will break a shoe lace.
Gemini: You will be in communication with some truly powerful and rather scary personages this week. Take heed to not read anything that you are not supposed to read. It is a loyalty test.
Cancer: You should never run out of paprika, but you will. A poltergeist will visit the neighbors. You will be opposed by a powerful entity, but only while traveling. Just shrug and move on. Let someone else get eaten.
Leo: If you have not already finalized your plans to poison the boss, maybe you should. Avoid drinking from any container that you are not personally confident has been cleaned.
Virgo: Good fortune will attend your best efforts, but only you know what that is. A co-worker will go insane. There is nothing like total victory. You will find a missing sock.
Libra: You are ahead of the pack, yet again. Style wise, you will scoop some bargains. This would be a good week to read the bosses e-mail. Avoid that variety store that short changed you.
Scorpio: New opportunities arise from the smouldering ashes. You will have a gift for turning a bad situation to your advantage. Carry a silver amulet if you can.
Sagittarius: Sitting around this week, you will make some fascinating discoveries. So, take yourself to a library or database and prepare to be enlightened. Take a scenic detour on your regular commute.
Capricorn: Add drudgery to your list of exceptional skills. Pluto is going to give you a great opportunity this week. Relax aggressively on Friday. Carry a spare pen. The person who borrows it should be watched.
Aquarius: As you watch the death throes of the obsolete and the inefficient, ponder on the greater issues of this age. You will be a passive observer until Thursday, when you will make an insightful discovery.
Pisces: As you may have suspected, your house cat is really an elevated being living a life of comfort in return for a previous life of grace. You can earn some brownie points by prompt feeding.
Look no further than your drive through that you frequent for inspiration about what the fates have fated for you this week. The full moon in Cancer will highlight the opposition between collective and personal resources, so there will be some correspondence from the tax department. And small children will get underfoot. And the world war that is brewing will have some fresh spices added to the mixture.
This is the last week of the year 2009. It is time to wake up. The twentieth century is over. And, you are far enough into the current one, the twenty-first, for nostalgia to now appear an unhealthy obsession with the past. Which brings me to my first point of discussion about the future: how to avoid the epidemic of madness that will sweep the planet.
People all around you are going to go insane. This is because Neptune is about to enter the sign of its rulership, Pisces. Neptune is currently in the latter days of its stay in Aquarius. Those people who are unable to resist the deceptive rays of this planet are at their weakest whilst Neptune is in the last five degrees of Aquarius. The symptoms usually manifest as talking to themselves (especially while on public transit or driving a car), some obsession involving the past, and a steady erosion of a sense of reality. You will read about people going ‘off’ in the media; you will catch glimpses of them as you go about your business; you will see them crash and burn at your work, in the shopping mall, and as you commute.
Neptune is the planet most closely associated with madness (with Mercury, the Moon, Mars, and Saturn as also rans), and this epidemic will be categorized as an unhealthy obsession with things in the past, which (as Freud and Jung warn us) leads to neurosis, and for some, psychosis. Neptune likes also to cure madness, and is just giving himself some work for when he enters Pisces, which he rules. Yes, there will be great advances in treating madness, but first we have to have the epidemic. Like all Neptune plagues, this will also feature roaming groups of madmen. The crazed will get worse in the presence of other crazed ones. Beware of crazed leaders.
Uranus is poised to transit into Aries. Accidents, when they occur, will more likely draw blood, and leave scars on the head. Political unrest, always a favorite of Aries, will lead to the violent overthrow of unpopular leaders. Expect beheadings. This always happens when Uranus transits Aries. Now, when you add in the epidemics of madness that Neptune is bringing, and color in the backdrop of ruthless Capricorn ambition, lust for power, and naked treachery, you get quite an exciting decade!
Beware of those displaying any signs of madness. Keep the insane away from each other. They make each other worse with their babbling.
Aries: You have suspected for some time that there are alot more crazy people out there than the authorities let on. You are right. It just costs too much to put them in straight-jackets and drug away their violent, un-natural tendencies. So, you will be the first to notice the mad ones in your midst. Nobody will listen to you if you try to warn them; those that you choose to save (locking them up in a closet is good therapy), just might pull out of it. Be discrete about your efforts, af first. Until central authority collapses, such methods will be disapproved of.
Taurus: Sure, there are those around you that are going to go mad. But your sign is too busy at the trough of material wealth, gobbling down all the riches that Pluto in Capricorn is spreading out. Your sign will notice the epidemic of madness, but not much care. You will acheive several life time goals because of this: you will own (more) land, have a full larder, and your garden will be lush.
Gemini: It might take you a bit of time, but you will discover that your witty remarks are driving people insane. It is not your fault of course. How could you know that mentioning ‘winter driving conditons’ would drive the close by Global Warming fanatic to martyrdom? What did I say, you will ask yourself as some hippy or greenie runs around outside in the snow in their sandals and Che shirt, until frost bite, or eternal sleep, quiets their troubled mind.
Cancer: Best to keep a low profile. You will have the gift to spot the earliest symptoms of those going insane. The pale sheen of sweat. The unfocused eyes. The muttering of dialogue, the quotes of Gore; then, of course, you, wise Cancerian, can make yourself scarce before the rabies-like rage descends upon the mad ones. You will have the opportunity to save several lost souls: make them shovel snow at gunpoint. Oh, your sign is also the most prepared for the transitory famines and shortages that will occur at the peak of the madness. Share only with those who have earned your trust.
Leo: There is something about the collapse of Western Civilization that just gets you excited. Of course, you will be the hero, on more than one occasion. When they start to go insane around you (slowly at first, in groups on one, at first; later, in groups) you will be the knight in shining armor that sits on the thrasing psychotic, or ties them to a park bench. Be cautious when you speak to crowds or at meetings. You will be attacked in public by a fanatic.
Virgo: You will become one of the highest ranking influences in the new world that is to come after the mass epidemic of madness. To get there, I suggest that you will not expect the first cases of madness that will strike down those not connected to reality around you. The first one going bonkers will be the worst for you; try not to turn your back on anyone who is foaming at the mouth and has access to scissors. After the first attack, you will get the picture. Your courage in driving a car through a crowd of madmen (with the car still running, if streaked with blood and gore) will draw the admiring attention of the higher powers.
Libra: Being the sign that is always approaching equilibrium, but never staying long at that point of repose, the way people around you begin to snap and crack and go insane will be disturbing for you. Never fear, brave Libra, for as much as you spend your time worrying about going off the deep end, it rarely happens to your sign. You just get to worry. And this epidemic of madness will have you concerned in that special Libra way. When the neighbour is screaming in the snow about Global Warming, should you shoot him and put him out of his misery? Or just offer him a cup of tea? Inevitably, you will find yourself with some insane wretch tied to one of your kitchen. This will be a blessing: you will realize how strong you really are.
Scorpio: Your sign has always suspected that people who advocate fringe politics are on the fringes of sanity, too. Boy, were you ever right! That short list you have of difficult and strange people is going to become the list of those who end up in straight- jackets. You have a good eye to spot those who are going to snap. The cold sweats, the clenching of Greenie amulets, the muttering about non-existant entities … yes, you get to watch. Your sign will have to make some tough decisions in the months to come. Who to leave behind, who will march, or die. This is your destiny, Scorpio. You will enjoy every moment.
Sagittarius: You will develop a new vocabulary of swear words to deal with the crazoids who infest your work, your shopping center, and your commute to work. The first mad man will be set off when his summer tires fail in the deep (and to him, non-existant) snows of winter. His eyes will be unfocused, and he will be wearing sandals in the snow. For you, Sagittarius, a new word will come to your lips as you ka-bong him on the head with a tire iron. New words will come later: when you watch a crazed fanatic run into a burning building to save their Michael Jackson video collection, when you confront a woman who believes there is a polar bear in her cell phone; and when you watch the last of the insane sink into a lake of slush.
Capricorn: This is a year of opportunity. Collect the wallets of the insane. Edge to the back of the crowd when the mad ones gather to make each other worse. As those who are doomed to insanity march towards their own annihiliation, it will be your sign that gets the spoils. I do not need to encourage your sign to profit from this, as it is a natural. Enjoy.
Aquarius: The epidemic of madness will strike close to you, both as people snap and foam at the mouth, but also in proximity. You will see people go quite insane at work, when you are at work. Commuting will be the worst, especially public transit. Your altruistic nature will be challenged by this. Over time, you will realize that those who fall to madness have brought it on themselves. Your challenge is to not push them towards madness, from spite, anger, or vengeful motives. Here is a hint: do not challenge them with reality.
Pisces: Sometimes you think you are living in a horror movie. When you take a steady bead on some sandal clad lunatic, staggering in the snow with a Global Warming banner, aim for the eyes. Shooting them in the foot, while attractive to your gentle nature, is wasted upon these damned souls. At night, as you sleep securely behind the perimeter, you will realize that these people have brought the madness down upon themselves. As the year moves on, a profound spiritual lesson will be give to you, along with prophetic dreams, visions, and some rather impressive small miracles you will be able to work with your own Pisces hands. Neat, eh?
The sun transits into Capricorn this week. Combined with other factors (as in the sun forms a conjunction to Pluto in Capricorn as it enters), this signifies a trigger of things dear to Capricorns: money, power, and possessions. Something big will happen when this occurs, this being Tuesday. And on Saturday, there will be a second event. Perhaps historians will squish the two together, but there are really two things going to happen. Will this affect you? Maybe, if your chart is activated by planets at two or four degrees. The event will not be pleasing to the common people, as shown by the transiting square from the Moon. But then again, not much that happens in Capricorn is pleasing to the common people.
Aries: Nothing happens, until Tuesday, when things begin to go backwards. Action is ill-advised, and you will lose in any direct conflict. Your infantry will desert, or be hungover and late for battle.
Taurus: You are a little behind the main event, but this is the last week that the incompetent dullards who run things will overlook your accomplishments. So, this week, finalize your plans for the coup. Work out a nice long arrest list.
Gemini: As the week drags on, your grip on the reins of powers becomes stagnant. You can see what needs to be done, but everyone is diverted by sex and gluttony. Be observant, for you will receive many powerful insights this week.
Cancer: Of all the signs this Christmas, you will have the most fun, and the most deserved fun. You are in tune with your happy inner child, and take delight in the delights of those that should be delighted. It is a blessing.
Leo: You will find shoes slowing your ambitions. Footwear! Confound it! So, be prepared. You will still have to thread laces, but it is better to have laces to thread.
Virgo: You will find yourself attending a fetish orgy this Christmas week. Be cool, and enjoy. Wear the mask they offer so you do not show up on the internet in a recognizable fashion.
Libra: This Christmas you will have lots of fun, and deserve it too. You will be laden with presents, and people will admire your skills and respect your judgement. Take the names of those that do not and have them purged later.
Scorpio: Your observations this week, those that you are cunning enough to make in that objective way that only your sign is capable of, will give you a years worth of reflection. The higher powers have set up sinners as an example; and in the theatre of the damned, it is better to be in the audience than on the stage. Popcorn is called for.
Sagittarius: Something you do not expect will happen Tuesday. And there will be an element of luck in it for you. Maybe a hated co-worker will be electrocuted. Maybe a hated neighbour will be electrocuted by his shoddy non-union wiring job.
Capricorn: Your plans for total world domination are coming into effect. Move on your enemies using your darker sciences. Push them aside and take their scalps. You will get a human skull drinking cup for Christmas.
Aquarius: Late on Monday something special will happen. It will involve a crowd of people, be completely unexpected by you, and reflect to your greater glory. Having sex with some pagan hierophant on top of an altar while the crowd watches and cheers is not out of the question.
Pisces: You can watch those who are damned in your secret, private place. It is sad, but then again, they deserved their horrible fate. Concentrate on brain food, for your brain will be in demand. No zombies will attack you (at least until after new years).
OKRA (Dec 22 – Jan 20)
Although you appear crude, you are actually very slick on the inside. Okras have tremendous influence. An older Okra can look back over his life and see the seeds of his influence everywhere. Stay away from Moon Pies.
CHITLIN (Jan 21 – Feb 19)
Chitlins come from humble backgrounds. A chitlin, however, can make something of himself if he’s motivated and has lots of seasoning. In dealing with Chitlins, be careful. They can erupt like Vesuvius. Chitlins are best with Catfish and Okra.
BOLL WEEVIL (Feb 20 – Mar 20)
You have an overwhelming curiosity. You’re unsatisfied with the surface of things, and you feel the need to bore deep into the interior of everything. Needless to say, you are very intense and driven as if you had some inner hunger. Nobody in their right mind is going to marry you, so don’t worry about it.
MOON PIE (Mar 21 – Apr 20)
You’re the type that spends a lot of time on the front porch. It’s a cinch to recognize the physical appearance of Moon Pies. Big and round are the key words here. You should marry anybody who you can get remotely interested in the idea. It’s not going to be easy. This might be the year to think about aerobics. Or – maybe not.
POSSUM (Apr 21 – May 21)
When confronted with life’s difficulties, possums have a marked tendency to withdraw and develop a don’t-bother-me-about-it attitude. Sometimes you become so withdrawn, people actually think you’re dead. This strategy is probably not psychologically healthy, but seems to work for you. One day, however, it won’t work and you may find your problems actually running you over.
CRAWFISH (May 22 – June 21)
Crawfish is a water sign. If you work in an office, you’re always hanging around the water cooler. Crawfish prefer the beach to the mountains, the pool to the golf course, the bathtub to the living room. You tend to be not particularly attractive physically, but you have very, very good heads.
COLLARDS (June 22 – July 23)
Collards have a genius for communication. They love to get in the “melting pot” of life and share their essence with the essence of those round them. Collards make good social workers, psychologists, and baseball managers. As far as your personal life goes, if you are Collards, stay away from Moon Pies. It just won’t work. Save yourself a lot of heartache.
CATFISH (July 24 – Aug 23)
Catfish are traditionalists in matters of the heart, although one whiskers may cause problems for loved ones. You catfish are never easy people to understand. You prefer the muddy bottoms to the clear surface of life. Above all else, Catfish should stay away from Moon Pies.
GRITS (Aug 24 – Sept 23)
Your highest aim is to be with others like yourself. You like to huddle together with a big crowd of other Grits. You love to travel though, so maybe you should think about joining a club. Where do you like to go? Anywhere they have cheese or gravy or bacon or butter or eggs. If you can go somewhere where they have all these things, that serves you well.
BOILED PEANUTS (Sept 24 – Oct 23)
You have a passionate desire to help your fellow man. Unfortunately, those who know you best – your friends and loved ones – may find that your personality is much too salty, and their criticism will probably affect you deeply because you are really much softer than you appear. You should go right ahead and marry anybody you want to because in a certain way, yours is a charmed life. On the road of life, you can be sure that people will always pull over and stop for you.
BUTTER BEAN (Oct 24 – Nov 22)
Always invite a Butter Bean because Butter Beans get along well with everybody. You, as a Butter Bean, should be proud. You’ve grown on the vine of life and you feel at home no matter what the setting. You can sit next to anybody. However, you, too, shouldn’t have anything to do with Moon Pies.
ARMADILLO (Nov 23 – Dec 21)
You have a tendency to develop a tough exterior, but you are actually quite gentle. A good evening for you? Old friends, a fire, some roots, fruit, worms and insects. You are a throwback. You’re not concerned with today’s fashions and trends. You’re not concerned with anything about today. You’re really almost prehistoric in your interests and behavior patterns. You probably want to marry another Armadillo, but Possum is another somewhat kinky, mating possibility.
The significator of the common people transits into Sagittarius this Tuesday. There will be a fresh scandal to irk the aristocrats. It will expand to involve women and be of interest to women by Wednesday. Thursday will bring sudden and unexpected developments to this scandal. Short sell your holdings, and buy gold.
Aries: You will lose a sock, which will vex you. Nothing else will stand in your way, but this small thing will be a pebble in your shoe. Do not share your discomfort, as this will bring comfort to your enemies.
Taurus: Ancient kings and warlords often looked to your sign for executioners and doers of unsavoury deeds. This week, your boss looks to you for less grim, but no less important work. If they do not pay you what you demand, break their fingers. Slowly.
Gemini: If you do not buy a ticket, you will not win the lottery. The choice is yours. And someone around you has the plague. Avoid them and the diseased cup of coffee they bring you.
Cancer: Re-make contact with a parted friend. Lay in a supply of proper stuffs for cooking for Christmas, or Saturnalia. As this festival approaches, you will become irresistable to the opposite sex. Only if you are gay will this be a problem.
Leo: You will be thwarted, but will crush your opponents. You will enjoy crushing them. Keep a spare set of shoes handy.
Virgo: Something evil will try to grab you when you are close to a kitchen sink drain. Do not explore any form of underground structure if you value your soul. There are others that value it, for their own use, or for sale.
Libra: You will forget you lines when you go to the ritual at your secret society. Nobody will notice. But remember what you mis spoke! A certain mysterious person will come calling.
Scorpio: Space aliens are interested in your superior liver. The one that can handle alot of booze, that one. They will attempt to get a sample of your DNA. Expect to be seduced by a shape shifting space alien, perhaps Thursday. They will wear mis matched socks.
Sagittarius: You are the focus of attention, well, actually, some work you did. Be a sport and submit to change. Nobody will give you credit, anyway. Reawaken your interest in Prussian march music.
Capricorn: You will discover something about someone, which will cast light on your own interests. Which could be good. Which could be bad if you are having one of those rare Capricorn moments of self-realization. Go figure.
Aquarius: You will profit from your investments in munitions, weapons, and the suffering of others. They should have listened to you, shouldn’t they? Oh well. And change your socks.
Pisces: What you recollect you were doing a year ago will shed light on what you should be doing right now. You do not have much time because you will acheive Nirvana next week, on Tuesday. So, enjoy this week, you last moments before you begin to emit light.
Mercury has transited back into Capricorn, and is conjunct Pluto as the planet of communication does its function of communicating between above and below. Astute observers note that the difficulties and scandals that erupt to thwart the progressives are triggered by planets entering or exiting Sagittarius. Expect political news on the 14th of this month then, when the Moon makes its way back into that sign.
Aries: You should make room for excitement for Friday. The week will drag, true. You will feel frustrated by the sluggards and the dullards and the inept, until friday. Make your move then, like an unleashed coiled spring, or a samuri, or whatever metaphore suits you best.
Taurus: You will be one ingredient short in all your cooking. Even an extra shopping will, somehow, leave your larder short of one special item. Your shoe lace will break on Wednesday.
Gemini: Power will come into your hands when you arrive at work on Monday. Some powers you will keep, some will slip away. You may wish to pass off some of the crappier assignments to minions. Tuesday will be a day of crisis, with you as spokesman of doom.
Cancer: Social intrigue will orbit around you this week. Every day, something new and shocking. Your bed and warm comfy blankets will be a refuge. Beware of noxious children, especially the one with a concealed listening device.
Leo: Prepare for the adventure that is to come. Your 2010 will be full of excitement; a hint of which you get this Wednesday. So, stock up on sex toys and breath mints.
Virgo: Your observations about the future are especially accurate this particular week. Good luck trying to tell the dinosaurs around you. Especially in the early hours of Tuesday, when you should have a prophetic dream.
Libra: Someone has left their underwear in your sofa, which will cause you no amount of embarassment, especially when you realize whose under garments they are, which will happen in the middle of something else you are doing. A mystery and a puzzle, all solved by Saturday.
Scorpio: Keep your car trunk empty for the body you have to stuff in there on Thursday night. Plans about dinner might have to wait while you do some quick shovelling. Just pretend you are hiding the evidence the proves Global Warming. No one will ever find it, er, them.
Sagittarius: Your calm approach to crisis is not as appreciated as just going to panic stations. You can see a way out of the hole, but a whole bunch of other people cannot. Let them suffer. And get a new pair of shoes.
Capricorn: Your plans for Total World Domination move forward another square. And speaking of squares, you should memorize that speech for your secret society. You will be called upon to give it when you next meet this week. Materialism is you, Capricorn.
Aquarius: Yes, the neighbours cat is really a space alien. It watches you with far too much intelligence. These things happen. So, go out and get some lottery tickets. You will win the lottery this week.
Pisces: Travel is on your mind. Just watch out for Rod Serling. And, of course, when you do travel, you will find that what you are looking for is right where you came from. Keep bandages handy for your sensitive feet.
