Aries: Pay attention to any waking nightmares you may have this week, Aries. They will give you powerful foresight into future conflicts, and if you expect to win, having some special intel just might give you the jump on those creatures that infest the future.
Taurus: Excessively practical matters relating to the mundane facts of daily existence will be of a special joy to you this week, Taurus. Being efficient, prepared, and, well, witty, is appreciated both by yourself, and the faceless gnomes of our government.
Gemini: Whatever you are dealing with early in the week will be suddenly forgotten after the day of crisis that will be Tuesday, Gemini. Face it, you have been bogged down in a dream world populated with comical demons. They will be banished with laughter.
Cancer: Your good, profitable, and creative ideas are born early in the week, Cancer. They will take practical form Wednesday. And, on Friday, you can start to socialize. With small amounts of foresight you can be the star of the party. Bring rolling papers and condoms for more than just yourself.
Leo: Be prepared for opposition to your program of self improvement. If you ride your bike, it will snow. If you drive, it will be sunny and clear. If you walk, there will be freezing rain. Choose carefully what you do not want to happen.
Virgo: Your researches into microwave devices suitable for home defense will take a quantum leap forward on Tuesday. You will achieve this though a discovery during investigation of some new components you have been ignoring in your secret laboratory. Remember, wait till after Tuesday, Virgo.
Libra: You will find yourself running errands for an entity of the underworld that is only shapeshifting to appear as your friend, boss, or lover. Mind you, the shapeshifted darklord has more personality and certainly appreciates your skills far more than who they are pretending to be. Enjoy basking in the shadows.
Scorpio: You inspire fear in people this week, Scorpio. The earth shakes when you walk. Use the shriveling glance of disapproval. The more you can influence events without speaking, the better. Let your minions handle the preparations, and the clean up. You concentrate on the enjoyment.
Sagittarius: Administrative burdens will be resolved this week, Sagittarius. Even a horse archer has to get off their horse and help out with crucifying political prisoners if Caesar wants it so. If you hit your thumb with a hammer, there will be more forms to be filled in, so wear gloves and keep your hands warm. Avoid leaving fingerprints.
Capricorn: The less you tell people of your plans, schemes, and plots, the more effective and timely will be your secret agenda of Total World Domination. Practice your innocent smile and unknowing shrug. You will need them on Thursday.
Aquarius: Let it be known that a lavish birthday feast is to be expected. Good fortune will smile upon those who celebrate the rites of Bacchus in honor of your special day. As for those who scoff, they will have an eruption of boils on their lazy bums.
Pisces: People are seeing through your web of subterfuge, Pisces. But none of them really understand that it originates from you. Let them blame the municipal government, when it really is your expanding psychic powers that are the origin of mercurial traffic ticket enforcement.
I, Fenris Badwulf, wrote this.