Archive for the ‘Horoscope’ Category

1 – 2 – 2017 By The Numbers

Sunday, January 1st, 2017

Ah! The new year: 2017!

Did you know:

That 2017 is an odd number?

That 2017 is a Prime number? You betcha!

That – specifically – 2017 is the 306th Prime – directly following 2013 ? I recall that 2013 sucked a bit, so …

That 2017 has a representation as a sum of 2 squares: 2017 = 9^2 + 44^2 ?

That 2017 is the hypotenuse of a primitive Pythagorean triple: 2017^2 = 792^2 + 1855^2 ?

That 2017 has the representation 2017 = 2^11 – 31?

That 2017 divides 79^7 – 1 ? The result is: 9521025774. This is a number that has absolutely NO significance whatsoever

in the entirety of Mathematics or in ANY field of human endeavor. A number that – until just now – no human in history had ever paid the slightest attention to – or had even written down on paper as I have today.

That Hillary Clinton will never be POTUS?

This is a special moment.

**Thanks to McGoo

Horoscope for the week

Wednesday, December 28th, 2016

Select clients of Sargon the Magnificent, the world’s foremost financial astrologer, can now have instant access to personalized chart interpretation. It is in italics after the general notice. Understand?

Aries: Look to the artistic genius of Sonny Bono for inspiration. You will win the love of the one you love with clever japes and sleight of hand. As for the pesky, take them to the swamp.
Aries in Etobicoke: The shipment from our friend in St.Petersburg should arrive at Toronto airport on Wotan’s Day. Practice your Finnish anecdotes and bon jours for an evening of libation.

Taurus: A special opportunity to make someone smile at Christmas happens while shopping this week, Taurus. Give yourself those shoes you have been lusting for.
Taurus in Don Mills: Brush up your calculus …. some components from a phased array radar system will find their way to the warehouse on Osler with the Tuesday delivery. Check the manual. If it looks good, inform Stavros.

Gemini: Recommend a bad dentist to an enemy. Take advantage of the decline in standards to improve your own. Ultimately, you alone must decide if your shoes are comfortable.
Gemini at TDSB: The new synthetic is available for your enjoyment and profit. I’m sending you five hundred. Let’s do some feedback from the high school kids, too.

Cancer: A delightful feast awaits you, brought at the hands of a stranger. Your secret admirer will make an offer of a secret liaison.
Cancer the electrician: Your name is showing up in the wrong databases. Go back to driving the truck. The ‘57 T-bird is too conspicuous.

Leo: Avoid large fleet actions until after you have personally inspected the lifeboats. A nest of rats is discovered at an embarrassing time.

Leo at Davenport: This laboratory work you are doing is impressive. You are doing a great job! Expect an extra thousand in your packet and a blue privilege token. Thank you from me and the gang!

Virgo: If you are squeemish about the use, or absence, of false teeth during lovemaking, you are better advised to silence, as you could offend a wealthy patron.
Virgo who commutes: That minion I told you about is both incompetent and treacherous. Your soft heart is spreading to your head (and then to your purse). Ghaack. Thrax will be in town Tuesday if you are feeling squeemish for final solutions.

Libra: Be discrete in your mistrust of the person packing your parachute. Someone around you is due for a fall from grace.
Libra on Redpath: Have minions capable of handling the barrels of hypergolic fuels in the Friday shipment. No slip ups!

Scorpio: When your serving knave passes the poisoned flagon to the wrong party, be prepared to laugh it off.
Scorpio on vacation: Thank you for the thoughtful Christmas fruitcake. Mom and Dad wolfed it down with that new formula Scotch. Our friends in Tokyo would like five thousand kiloliters of the X-20161112 batch for a taste. Largo will contact you with shipping details.

Sagittarius: Have an open mind to new experiences. This means being covered in icing sugar and licked all over. You will deepen a friendship.
Sagittarius with dog: Just tell people it is ’self talk’. When you mention ‘hearing voices’ it can upset some people. It is their fault, really. They do not understand the lengths to which you will go to express your genius.

Capricorn: You will discover an extension to your powers of telepathy that is triggered (and powered) by music with kettle drums.
Capricorn with chocolate: The reason the time travel chamber is left in a mess is because people are thoughtless and do not think of others. Clean up after yourself (coffee cups, pizza boxes, paper plates) please. Once we get past the anniversary of the Battle of Warsaw, things will slow down.

Aquarius: Music of the French Revolution will put a spring in your step and hope in your heart, Aquarius. Make a proscription list.
Aquarius in the Junction: These are the expected side effects of a transplant of rat testicles. Of course you are interested in different foods. It is normal and natural.

Pisces: A sinkhole will swallow up a vexing problem at a most opportune time. If you can remember what you wrote on the ground at that spot last spring, you can repeat the experience.
Pisces in Orton: Get rich quick on the stock market this week. Look to United States Steel for your pot of gold, you capitalist opportunist. Further details can be had from the ouiji board. Ask for Clem of Cambridge.

Horoscope for the week

Monday, December 19th, 2016

Aries: Regarding your FY 2015 IRS tax filing, and those “deductions” you faked: No, they didn’t fall for them. Not one bit. And – boy! – are they pissed.

Taurus: Jupiter is in a state of near-terminal ennui this week so warm dress is in order on most evenings. But forget the gloves – even at weddings – because hangnails and a nasty case of nail fungus will cause you untold amounts of inconvenience. A fairly tasty pecan pie tossed by a random prankster will give you a near miss soon. You will have to judge for yourself whether or not this is a bad thing.

Gemini: The flotation device you choose for the annual river float you take with friends will deflate at an unfortunate moment, resulting in a “snag” on submerged debris. So wear underwear – and not the polka-dot ones, for Christ-sake!

Cancer: Saturn is salivating over his young again, so take extra precautions when caring for children. A large head of cheese & a crescent wrench feature prominently in your life soon. Avoid yellow thumbtacks, especially when they are pointy-end up.

Leo: You may get embroiled in a multi-car crash in the fog in the near-future. Oddly, every one of the drivers involved will be a Leo. When a rookie police officer remarks upon this coincidence, all of you will pounce on him and beat him into a pulp for no apparent reason. Also oddly, no charges will be filed by the local (Leo) Prosecuting Attorney.

Virgo: Remember when you were young and your parents taught you to never run while holding a knife? Well, this bit of wisdom will slip your mind soon – just for one tiny moment! Pity. But on the bright side, you’ll still have one eye left.

Libra: A puppy will pee on you or a loved one in the near future. If you go shopping, avoid any checkout line where you see a person buying stacks of pecan pies.

Scorpio: Your puppy will pee on an acquaintance or loved one in the near future. Later, it will gorge itself on an apparently-dropped pecan pie, and then barf its stomach contents in your car or house or shoe.

Sagittarius: If you decide to do that desert-hike in southern Arizona or Texas with your friends this summer, be sure to steer clear of any odd packages or abandoned backpacks you happen upon in the wilderness. Especially if they have the Cali Cartel emblem stamped on them.

Capricorn: Uranus is eclipsing itself vigorously for the next few days, so stay indoors. If you must go outdoors, carry an umbrella and a clarinet. Peanut butter will feature prominently during your next medical exam. The joke you overhear from the nurses station will be quite offensive & in poor taste, but you will have to laugh silently to yourself over it anyway.

Aquarius: In the next week or so you’ll spot your spouse or a loved one entering an unsavory business establishment well-known for it’s “odd patrons & exotic services”, and the many police raids it has endured. DON’T mention this sighting to anyone.

Pisces: Your dentist or proctologist will have a sudden violent epileptic seizure – at precisely the wrong moment. The medical staff will be laughing about it privately for months.

**If you’re thinking you may have seen this same horoscope somewhere else a long, long time ago, you are badly mistaken. This is original material.

Swear.

Horoscope for the week

Sunday, February 28th, 2016

Your week begins with a double dose of alchemical water. This particular blend favors new projects and the completion of old ones. The transitions might be emotionally traumatic. But there are lessons to be learnt. And if you know your Nietzsche, you will know that if you pass through the fire, you will have been forged into a better, stronger alloy. But that is just for everyone. What about your personal astrological forecast? (more…)

Horoscope for the week

Monday, February 22nd, 2016

The sun enters Pisces this week, so new secrets are concealed, old secrets are revealed, and dreams take on a prophetic meaning. Practical concerns overshadow the spiritual, to the extent that one may raise up false idols. There may also be distractions from revelation. But that is just for everyone. What about your personal astrological forecast? (more…)

Horoscope for the week

Sunday, February 14th, 2016

Aries: You will be challenged in the realm of shared resources. After you get your way, there will be some good sex. The Monday challenge will be from a lazy grazer with a legacy claim; and the Friday challenge will be someone nimble with a commonly recognized claim.

Taurus: The concerns of old people complicate your week until Thursday, when the concerns of people afraid to become old take over. The high point of the week is Tuesday, when I suggest that you be irresponsible and go off and gamble.

Gemini: An unusually steady week for you, Gemini. Tuesday through Thursday you will enjoy recognition, acclaim, and fame. But beware of the selfish motivations of some aging hipster who lives in dread fear of growing old.

Cancer: The setback you were expecting will only make you stronger. Talking about it to people who have the same depth of understanding as a wall covering sales brochure kiosk is only a tutorial in realization of how you have grown in wisdom.

Leo: One last week under the lash of people whose defining essence is fear of growing old, loathing for signs of age, and, really, aversion to the wisdom that comes with age. The person who wants to walk through life holding your hand is more important to your future than you know.

Virgo: You will win the lottery. Have an action plan in place.

Libra: Take on an older lover this week. Acquire antiques, and the true value of some of your older assets will become apparent. These opportunities will happen suddenly.

Scorpio: When your inner voice tells you ‘no good will come of this’, pay attention and act accordingly. You have a powerful and lucrative opportunity at your fingertips. Twenty five cents will get you ten dollars, but you must overcome your lust for that quarter.

Sagittarius: You will discover a system of political governance superior to democracy this week, Sagittarius. Those of your friends who are interested are more likely to be part of your future.

Capricorn: Inner work this week, even as you work away. Something electric happens Tuesday – Wednesday. It might just involve software, or grammar, or the public. I cannot tell you as it would affect your choices. After the fact, you will understand.

Aquarius: Something unusual is going on with you and all known forms of financial instruments. Check your coins for examples from other planets or having dates in the future. The person you show your future derived coin to, who does not think it a fine joke, is really a time traveller.

Pisces: The power of illusion is yours to command. Regardless, after the smoke has cleared and the mirrors cleaned and put away, you will have profound insights into things having nothing to do with what you were trying to accomplish. Such is life in the sea, Pisces.

Horoscope for the week

Monday, February 8th, 2016

When am I going to get paid? Where is my money? I want my money.

Yes, we have all had this problem. Remember the time you lent twenty bucks to your drunken friend at the Superbowl … years ago, now. And the miserable cactus has not paid you back. Hundred dollar emergency loans to decrepit relatives and fawning in-laws. Or the boss or business partner. Or the bank. Did they lie to you? Take advantage of your spiritual, caring nature? So many questions. The self doubt begins to ooze out of your eyes and armpits like black snot.

Astrology, the science of predicting the future, older and better than the snake oil mumbo jumbo and endless pills of the white coated wallet rapists of the public health care system, has the answers. Be at rest. Send me your money. Solutions will come after. Why wait? Your friends are consulting astrologers about stuff.

You want answers. I want your money. Go suffer without your horoscope for a while. Go to your room, no dinner. Brat. Send me your money.

I, Fenris Badwulf, wrote this. I care.

Horoscope for the Week

Sunday, January 31st, 2016

Aries: Long term strategic planning for the conquest of a distant planet is being performed on your computer by an alien intelligence. You should pay more attention to the games loaded on your devices.

Taurus: Eating too much never was so good than it gets this week, Taurus. Growling will impress your host, and this host is someone you want to impress. Study Polish war movies for dining etiquette.

Gemini: A dark power has planted dragons teeth close to where you walk your dog. Make sure you clean up after your pet. Piddle is ok, but the nascent war spirits do not much like turd. Best to keep on the good side of the war gods.

Cancer: The long dead spirit of one of your heroic ancestors is looking for you. If you hear martial music when no one else can, in places where you really do not expect to hear it, then they are close by. Be assured, they like you.

Leo: You are the one calm one in the room. Someone needs a punch in the throat and who, but you Leo, are the one to administer administrative justice? Not enough people admire you for your shining example.

Virgo: This week will be all battle stations, alarms, and, on Thursday, a close call. Be judicious in your choices of routes to work, and keep your negotiating wits about you when you are approached by an extraterrestrial power looking for mercenaries for a high (very high) tech conflict. Ask for more, and get it.

Libra: Soothing words are needed during a difficult moment at one of those Roman orgies you like to attend. Let the Senator drink the wine first. If you do not know the words to the Peronist march, just pretend you do.

Scorpio: Does your bookkeeping system account for found money? There is just too much money around. You will find it, in large amounts, in all sorts of hilarious places. Do not let these windfalls make you too serious.

Sagittarius: Study the forest laws of King John for some good examples to guide you in your work this week. If members of the clergy are not pleading for mercy on behalf of some one, then you are not doing your job. Do not get soft.

Capricorn: You will win the lottery this week. Listen to German march music for inspiration. You need a steady pace and a good siege mentality to get through this week of obnoxious primate chatter.

Aquarius: You will find one of the lost notebooks of evil this week. If you are brave enough to read it, you will find yourself nostalgic for the simplicity of the Dark Ages. Maybe you should read more history. Maybe live it, too.

Pisces: Your mastery of an ancient art will pay off in gold, silver, and diamonds this week. Make a suitable offering to Thor, Wotan, and Frey to show how reasonable you are. As for those other religions around you, just pretend you care.

I, Fenris Badwulf, wrote this. I care.

Horoscope for the week

Sunday, January 24th, 2016

Aries: Pay attention to any waking nightmares you may have this week, Aries.  They will give you powerful foresight into future conflicts, and if you expect to win, having some special intel just might give you the jump on those creatures that infest the future.

Taurus: Excessively practical matters relating to the mundane facts of daily existence will be of a special joy to you this week, Taurus.  Being efficient, prepared, and, well, witty, is appreciated both by yourself, and the faceless gnomes of our government.

Gemini: Whatever you are dealing with early in the week will be suddenly forgotten after the day of crisis that will be Tuesday, Gemini.  Face it, you have been bogged down in a dream world populated with comical demons.  They will be banished with laughter.

Cancer: Your good, profitable, and creative ideas are born early in the week, Cancer.  They will take practical form Wednesday.  And, on Friday, you can start to socialize.  With small amounts of foresight you can be the star of the party.  Bring rolling papers and condoms for more than just yourself.

Leo: Be prepared for opposition to your program of self improvement.  If you ride your bike, it will snow.  If you drive, it will be sunny and clear.  If you walk, there will be freezing rain.  Choose carefully what you do not want to happen.

Virgo: Your researches into microwave devices suitable for home defense will take a quantum leap forward on Tuesday.  You will achieve this though a discovery during investigation of some new components you have been ignoring in your secret laboratory.  Remember, wait till after Tuesday, Virgo.

Libra: You will find yourself running errands for an entity of the underworld that is only shapeshifting to appear as your friend, boss, or lover. Mind you, the shapeshifted darklord has more personality and certainly appreciates your skills far more than who they are pretending to be.  Enjoy basking in the shadows.

Scorpio: You inspire fear in people this week, Scorpio.  The earth shakes when you walk.  Use the shriveling glance of disapproval.  The more you can influence events without speaking, the better.  Let your minions handle the preparations,  and the clean up.  You concentrate on the enjoyment.

Sagittarius: Administrative burdens will be resolved this week, Sagittarius.  Even a horse archer has to get off their horse and help out with crucifying political prisoners if Caesar wants it so.  If you hit your thumb with a hammer, there will be more forms to be filled in, so wear gloves and keep your hands warm.  Avoid leaving fingerprints.

Capricorn: The less you tell people of your plans, schemes, and plots, the more effective and timely will be your secret agenda of Total World Domination.  Practice your innocent smile and unknowing shrug.  You will need them on Thursday.

Aquarius: Let it be known that a lavish birthday feast is to be expected.  Good fortune will smile upon those who celebrate the rites of Bacchus in honor of your special day.  As for those who scoff, they will have an eruption of boils on their lazy bums.

Pisces: People are seeing through your web of subterfuge, Pisces.  But none of them really understand that it originates from you.  Let them blame the municipal government, when it really is your expanding psychic powers that are the origin of mercurial traffic ticket enforcement.

I, Fenris Badwulf, wrote this.

Horoscope for the week

Sunday, January 17th, 2016

Aries: That party you get invited to will develop into an orgy.  Have some fun and wear clean underwear.  Maybe use that special soap you have been saving since Christmas last.

Taurus: You will get some public attention on Tuesday.  It might involve the law, so temper your road rage impulses.  Better to be the onlooker who gets interviewed rather than the perp on the news.

Gemini: Your unusual sexual tastes are being captured on video.  Expect a shock when you recognize yourself while porn surfing.  Time to reassess your selection in tradesmen.

Cancer: Make a quick buck on Saturday selling something with marginal value.  One of the pieces of paper money you receive will be counterfeit.

Leo: When a drug deal goes bad at work, expect some excitement.  Drowning someone in a toilet is something that only happens in movies, or so you thought.  Be prepared for a mess.

Virgo: Read the documents carefully, no one else has.  If you can short sell the stock of your employer, you will make a windfall thanks to inside knowledge.

Libra: Pick a Roman Emperor noted for codifying law.  You will learn from their example.  Be careful with food you find in the office refrigerator.

Scorpio: A hated co-worker will be sucked into another dimension, only to reappear next week as a steaming, cooked carcass in a janitors closet.  Check the label on the microwave.

Sagittarius: A hated task at work can be turned to your advantage.  Put aside your plans to glue your boss to his desk for now.  A better opportunity is around the corner.

Capricorn: Everything is going according to plan.  Your secret agenda of Total World Domination is moving forward, one domino at a time.  Expect good news from an agent of the underworld.

Aquarius: You will have the opportunity to help someone less fortunate than yourself this week.  Give them what they need, rather than what they want.  Leave no fingerprints on your offering.

Pisces: If you are reading this, you have been duped into walking through a portal to a parallel universe.  The path back is in the kitchen.  Check the label on the microwave.

Horoscope for the week of March 22, 2015

Sunday, March 22nd, 2015

Aries: Some old fogey crosses your path for the better on Thursday. Better for you that is.

Taurus: Complications arise from the ‘three bosses’ style of leadership. Some young whippersnapper complicates things, but you will only find out later.

Gemini: A study of the politics of the Scottish highlands during the sixteenth century would help you sail through your week.

Cancer: Keep your thoughts to yourself. There are enough around you who will do your thinking for you. Just play along

Leo: Only you can save the planet Earth from destruction. You will accomplish this on Wednesday with the assistance of someone older.

Virgo: You will win the lottery this week.

Libra: A friend is someone who will help you put a body in the trunk of your car. You inspire friendship.

Scorpio: At least once this week, take all your clothes off and run around your house.

Sagittarius: You are being watched.

Capricorn: Everything is going according to plan.

Aquarius: Your displeasure at recent developments in tort law can only be seen by those who understand you.

Pisces: The great reward you receive next week is foreshadowed by the small reward you receive Wednesday.

Horoscope for the week of March 15, 2015

Sunday, March 15th, 2015

Aries: You march with the God of War this week Aries. The sound of your footsteps is like that of a marching army. Cowards flee at your approach.

Taurus: Total victory is yours this Wednesday, Taurus. A month of good things begins then, but be wary about communications, documents, and paperwork.

Gemini: Your week features confusion in communications, Gemini. A prophetic dream you will have on Wednesday.

Cancer: Your week begins with complications, obnoxious old people, and irksome gimps.

Leo: You rule, Leo. Your focus will not be of your choosing, however.

Virgo: Turn right, or turn left, regardless you will find yourself at an orgy. Be presentable, or face the inhibitions that come from wearing underwear with holes.

Libra: After Wednesday you will find yourself being pulled into all sorts of romantic liaisons. There is magic in that spring air, especially after dark. The underwear you find in the back seat of your car is not yours.

Scorpio: You will wake up in a parallel dimension. It may take some time for you to catch on. What happens in parallel dimension, stays in parallel dimension.

Sagittarius: You will find yourself in an alliance with a leader, but nothing really gets done. Take advantage of the free food and drink that has been supplied.

Capricorn: The answer is at your fingertips. Some research is required. Shoelaces require attention.

Aquarius: Do not lose your head. This includes talking back to any sort of medieval baron, bishop, or king. Agreement is both wise and practical.

Pisces: There is a secret underwater base located within only a few miles of your home. Someone close to you is in league with them. You will identify them by the tin foil hat.