Archive for the ‘Horoscope’ Category

Horoscope for the week of November 4, 2018

Sunday, November 4th, 2018

In the heavens this week: The American election occurs Tuesday, under the solar and lunar influence of Scorpio. The Moon in Scorpio is an evil omen for crowds: this will last from 8:00 am Tuesday (eastern daylight time) until 3:00 pm Friday. There will be public discord during this time. The great crisis will occur around 7:00 am on Friday, when the Moon forms square to Mars. Mobs, crazed (‘lunatic’), will challenge impartial, evolved, and capable forces. They are greatly outmatched. Victory favors the cool mind. Parallel to this, on Friday the day of crisis, Jupiter moves into a sign it rules, Sagittarius, and assists mightily in the restoration of rule of law, not just on the streets, but in the reversal of the insults to justice, good order, and reason we have seen since October 2017.

There will be excitement. Avoid crowds. There will be insults, and insults to good people will be avenged. The order of the Republic will be restored, I assure you.

I, Sargon the Magnificent, wrote this.

Horoscope for the week of September 16, 2018

Sunday, September 16th, 2018

In the Heavens: The Moon is in first quarter on Sunday. Cast your spells of increase like the pagans are wont to do.

Mercury forms a trine to Pluto on Sunday. Communications relating to collective wealth. The victorious side will be the one that has done its homework and prepared for the trial.

Mars squares Uranus on Monday. Accidents and unexpected assaults, injuries that draw blood to the shins and burns to the throat. All new technology is suspect. Beware of microwave ovens, electrical devices you hold close to your head, and mechanical chicken de-boners and their ilk.

The Moon conjuncts Saturn on Monday. Those that break the rules will get a lesson in why we have rules. Expect Jaywalkers to get run down, cell phone chatting drivers to get mangled, and lazy tradesmen to fall off buildings. Falling from heights is the favorite of Saturn, followed by crushing. The Moon favors drowning: those that did not heed mandatory evacuation orders will start to stink as they decompose.

The Moon conjuncts Pluto on Tuesday. Emotions more powerful than reason motivate the powerful in an attempt to control ‘the people’. As the Moon is in detriment in Capricorn, the attempt will be brutal and barbaric. Mars in Aquarius (being idealistic in a steady paycheck and pension benefits sort of way) is the saving throw: the minions of the emotionally driven powerful will only do the minimum required. You will realize from the events on Sunday (Mercury trine Pluto) what side you are on; conveniently, the powerful are not driven by reason and are completely ignorant of the warnings or foresight.

Aries: You are the leader foretold in the prophecy. The great battle will be Monday. You will face the enemy in the front rank in the center of the line. All eyes will be upon you, even, unfortunately, the rheumy eyes of the war elephants of the enemy.

Taurus: Some questionable decisions made while you are drunk and playing dice will turn to your advantage when you find a large sum of money in the trunk of your car. Nobody seems to have missed it, and the unmistakable scent of a cologne known to you from a drunken debauch will help you remember.

Gemini: You will be transformed by a realization. The room will spin and you will perceive the movement of the planets. Your mind is operating at a higher level, well above the norm of fifty thousand decisions per second. You will manifest supernatural powers, being able to compel people with your thoughts.

Cancer: You will find yourself oppressed by the unthinking actions of the mob on Monday. You will be delayed unfairly and often. Even surrendering to rage and going on a spree of mayhem will give you no relief. Only the blood of your enemies will quench your thirst.

Leo: A face, which you will realize is familiar to you from your dreams, will come to your notice in a crowded cafeteria. From this incident you will be lead, indirectly, to a substantial increase in your fortune.

Virgo: Someone other than you did not bother to read the instructions leading to a horribly miscast spell. The forces of Chaos are unleashed and someone gets sucked into an opening chasm. You are prepared, and now you needs must up your game to be prepared for the splash damage from those who are not prepared.

Libra: Keep a mask handy at your place of work for one of those ’someone put LSD into the jasmine tea’ days when not much gets done other than appreciation of cloud formations. Someone is making an illegal surveillance of the work place, but only to slake their depraved lusts. A promotion not earned with merit should still have some style.

Scorpio: Go shopping and get a new pair of shoes; even used shoes from a thrift shop will do. In fact, you will find some incredible bargains and save big. Break the jaw of a street beggar when they refuse to polish your shoes in exchange for a cigarette.

Sagittarius: It is one of those rare moments when the normally surly and disreputable are cheerful and honorable. A moment to savor! Complete outstanding projects to your advantage … you are the victorious tortoise, and your supposedly faster and better competitors are so much street dog in a village of hungry peasants.

Capricorn: Your completion of tasks to further your agenda is gaining momentum. A sinkhole is responsible for the shifting of the street pavement; do not jump up and down at the center of the depression. A scandal involving the introduction of human flesh into fast food comes to your attention.

Aquarius: You are surrounded by primitives, but that is because you are enlightened. Eat your fill this week. Food will taste better and you will find wonderful bargain at the stores. Do sit naked in your residence and feel the breeze of freedom on your genitals.

Pisces: A confusing error in communication starts your week off on the wrong tentacle. Your spirit animal for the month is an octopus or squid. This will be a difficult choice to make. You will experience great fortune while food shopping. Lurk in the store and think of being a greater predator than you are.

I, Sargon the Magnificent, wrote this horoscope.

Horoscope for the week of September 9, 2018

Sunday, September 9th, 2018

In the Heavens: New Moon on Sunday at the start of the week. The New Moon is in Virgo, and in opposition to Neptune, ruling in Pisces. So, the normally healthy and uplifting ‘bring in the harvest’ energy which we associate with Virgo, will be undermined by some foggy, illusionary, deceptive narrative. Neptune, while ruling in Pisces, is also retrograde, so the critics are doomed to some typically Pisces undoing down the road. I suspect our Silicon Valley know-betters do not have access to competent astrologers who would advise them to more auspicious timing for their censorship in the service of social engineering.

Venus and Mars are in square. This aspect of domestic violence, infidelity, rough sex, and the intense which flows out of male-female relationships (and has been doing so since the start of time) peaks at the start of the week. Venus (still in aspect) changes sign from Libra (which she rules) to Scorpio (where she is in detriment). This happens on Monday. Characters caught up in the Venus role move suddenly from control to subjugation. They fall. On the Monday when this happens, Mars, as opponent, is still en-nobled (being that Mars is exalted in Capricorn). So, the fall of these characters does not fall to the darker depths that Venus in Scorpio can experience. At least until Wednesday, when Mars itself changes sign from Capricorn to Aquarius. Mars loses it’s exaltation and transforms from quest knight to something more MGTOW. So, there are three phases: the second phase begins with a fall on one actor, and the third is the withdrawl of the other actor. These events are best observed, participation will put you in danger of infamy and incarceration.

Aries: Your pursuit of an opportunity lasts until Wednesday, when new facts change your direction. What you were after was not real, or has changed it’s nature to something unappealing.

Taurus: A vision of the future hastens your steps. A complication arises on Wednesday when an associate is unveiled as an immoral fraud. Road rage and a mob scene could occur on Wednesday as well. Be cautious in travel.

Gemini: You will discover a cache of misfiled books in a library or book store. The mystery of who is responsible and who is profiting from this will be up to you to discover. Be discrete.

Cancer: Rabies is spreading in your community. From housepets to obnoxious humans. Be cautious on Thursday that you do not get bit.

Leo: Wonderful money making opportunities exist until Wednesday when some young punk interjects himself into the cash flow pipeline.

Virgo: You rule this week. The world is full of gardens that need weeding. You will the lottery on Friday. Impose order.

Libra: A lover out of the past will be discovered to have third stage syphillis. Get thee to a doctor for some needed anti-biotics. Be discrete. Your current stable of lovers might be queasy about the grisly details.

Scorpio: Food served to you will be unacceptable, and questioning its compliance to food preparation laws in your jurisdiction could lead to charges of racism. Some problems need back alley solutions.

Sagittarius: You will be drawn into a distasteful secret combination that multiplies complexity through the week.

Capricorn: A full week of moving your agenda forward even as you look to the past for examples of how not to get things done.

Aquarius: You will be revitalized on Wednesday, with both a romantic opportunity and an intellectual question.

Pisces: You will have a mystical experience on Monday, to be experienced by yourself alone, although other non-corporeal beings will be in attendence. You stand at the threshold of the future as shaped by the past, and the present in reaction to the past.

Horoscope for the week of September 2, 2018

Sunday, September 2nd, 2018

In the Heavens: Saturn goes direct on Thursday. As this happens in Capricorn (which Saturn rules), you may expect a change for the better for those entities which comprise the Administrative Intelligence in your personal world. This wonderful event occurs with a reinforcing trine from Uranus (itself retrograde in Taurus), so some high tech treachery (attempts to manipulate the surface appearances of things) will be turned against the evil souls who created it. Thursday, the tables are turned on high tech manipulators.

The Moon is waning towards the New Moon (which happens next week). Those of you who practice pagan expedient means will see those problems you have enchanted wane away, to disappear on the New Moon (next week, Sunday, September 9, 2018).

A Grand Trine forms. On Friday, Mercury moves into Virgo to complete a grand trine with Saturn (in Capricorn), and Uranus (in Taurus). Oh dear. Expect some communications that will restore perception’s conception of reality from the fairy dust present to something more concrete. Jordan Peterson will smile.

In the Zodiac:

Aries: Your week begins with an opportunity to make money. A camera has been installed in the alley where you usually leave the drunks you have robbed, so be discrete. Your car key will work on more cars than your own on Thursday. Check out the mall for bargains.

Taurus: You may be caught up in a lurid sex scandal unless you don a disguise. Some mud encrusted peasant reveals a secret on Thursday, make sure they are not yours.

Gemini: You are working to a deadline, and that deadline is Tuesday. Clearly formulate your desires and visualize the outcome before you place your signet and seal on a request to Set, the Snake God. Your wishes will be granted.

Cancer: On Wednesday, take the opportunity to run naked on bare floor and carpet. After the revelations of Thursday, set aside time to get your mundane material chores dealt with. When the weekend arrives, go full pagan and slake your lusts in decadent pleasures.

Leo: Some dirty peasant will approach too close to your august personage on Wednesday. You are in peril of an infestation of bedbugs, foot fungus, or creeping skin pox. Push them away if you value your weekend of pleasures.

Virgo: Your actions have not gone unnoticed. You will be offered command of a Cossack regiment in the great rebellion which is brewing. Knowing the correct spelling and location of Zaporizhia will further your ambitions.

Libra: That fling you had a few weeks ago reappears later in this week. You used them as a toy, and discarded them without a qualm. None the less, your skills in the art of love have drawn them back for more humiliation and trembling ecstasy.

Scorpio: You can use your powerful sexual magnetism to wiggle yourself out of a legal complication on Wednesday. You are the sweet lickings than drip off an ice creme cone on a hot summers day.

Sagittarius: You will win the lottery this week. Actions of the state are in your favor but offend your sense of justice. Expect some excitement to come into your world after the events of Thursday.

Capricorn: An obstacle to your advancement will choke on something on Thursday. It will be a long five minutes watching while you think about what to do. Push their cell phone away from their hands so that they do not damage it.

Aquarius: You will have a prophetic dream on Thursday night. When you go shopping for clothes in a second hand store, you will have a vision of an alternate future.

Pisces: An alternate universe has established a beach head in your personal space. Let someone else do the heavy lifting. Be a creditible witness to a work place accident on Thursday.

I, Sargon the Magnificent, wrote this horoscope.

Horoscope for the week of August 26, 2018

Sunday, August 26th, 2018

Aries: The beginning of the week is your optimal time for contemplation and training for the maximum effort towards your agenda later in the week. If you are inclined towards the ambush, this is the perfect time for a surprise attack, but do so after Tuesday.

Taurus: Your discerning eye will recognize an exciting scientific discovery that will transform your future life. On Monday, you will witness a public drama.

Gemini: Events that are good for the mob are not necessarily good for you. Events Monday will stew away until next Monday, when a reform is made in your favor. Things aesthetic are wonderful this week.

Cancer: On Monday, you are in danger of a maritime disaster. Do not rule out sabotage. And, your estate can look forward to a hefty settlement with the magic smiley face words ‘double indemnity’. Choose carefully which boat or bridge you choose.

Leo: Details work out to your advantage. People that appear and disappear are most likely extraterrestrial tourists. Take note of the neighbor whose shrubs grow unnaturally fast.

Virgo: The Old Gods are making a come back, and your aura is most attractive to their retro sense of taste. Participate in pagan ritual on Monday!

Libra: The War God smiles upon your plans. The earth will shake with your footsteps. The unwashed mob and their media handlers will cower at your shadow. You will step in dog poo on Monday.

Scorpio: Find time to get rich quick this week. Drag your attention away from your sex life to spend a few bucks on a lottery ticket. Other opportunities for fabulous wealth seek your attention.

Sagittarius: Your ambition to have a private army is fulfilled this week. The logical next step are private courts, and some sort of ‘rehabilitation’ system. Perhaps the basement could be up graded. When setting bolts into concrete, follow the instructions on the box.

Capricorn: A frontal assault upon the foe is called for Tuesday. You will have the advantage of surprise. Now is the time to get a return on all that food you have been feeding to the War Elephants.

Aquarius: You will be rewarded with a bounty of shopping bargains in all areas of consumption. You need new shoes … go get them! The universe values your suggestions about urban forest development.

Pisces: Use your superior skills in necromancy to unleash a Cossack Uprising that the establishment will remember. Well, those that survive, anyway.

I, Sargon the Magnificent, wrote this.

Horoscope for the week of August 19, 2018

Sunday, August 19th, 2018

Aries: Wednesday, you are drawn into an episode by people that do not know what they are doing. Friday, there is an explosive crowd scene. You are in danger of being bitten by an old man.

Taurus: You will be told something disagreeable by someone who just wants to savor your distaste. Mark this person down on your shit list.

Gemini: Your week begins with a recharged you. Everything works! Your special skills will draw attention. Monday, your superior driving skills will be challenged by a transport truck loaded with large animals.

Cancer: Dip into your cache of comfort food for solace on Wednesday and Thursday. Just before midnight on Wednesday, an opposing army will be obliterated using your suggested tactics.

Leo: A last minute birthday present arrives. Late Thursday, you will be in danger if you go into a back alley.

Virgo: A secret admirer will reveal themselves on Friday. Some questions will be resolved at that time.

Libra: You will have a week of barbarian pleasures. Cast aside your nominal veneer of civilization. At least once this week, run naked through the trees.

Scorpio: You can win the lottery this week, but you have so many reasons not to. This inner struggle will push you towards taking up smoking again.

Sagittarius: The plot thickens at work. Your independent research points towards a conspiracy. You will learn more on Monday, and they will make their first move on Wednesday.

Capricorn: Someone in your dungeon will finally spill their guts. This is a tribute to your foresight and good trade craft.

Aquarius: Somehow, your resistance just makes the opposition stronger. This is the spiritual moment in your quest when you throw yourself into the abyss and are saved by angelic forces.

Pisces: You will win the lottery with a ticket you buy on Monday. Maybe buy three, you will feel better until you get the results.

Horoscope for the week of August 12, 2018

Saturday, August 11th, 2018

Aries: You will acquire a new lover in the vicinity of a day care facility. Wednesday will be particularly spicy. You will walk backwards into a situation with more effect than if you were walking forwards. Make only plans for romance this weekend.

Taurus: Some of your illegal activities have drawn the attention of the constabulary. Best do that routine vehicle maintenance this week so you do not get nicked. Tuesday, some sort of ugly crowd scene occurs revolving around someone else on your morning commute.

Gemini: One last week of dawdling by your opponents even as you prepare your master stroke to lay them low. Even you should admire your cunning, guile, and adept poise. James Bond could take lessons from you.

Cancer: You can leverage your position and gain a substantial reward in prestige with your covered position and expertise on the ABBA reunion. Get your polyester love god threads out.

Leo: Flouting your parole conditions makes sense when it involves extending your sphere of influence. Last weeks legal complications are yesterdays news, buddy. Make some time to talk about yourself with your admirers.

Virgo: Sunday is a sluggish day, best for sleeping; in this you will have a prophetic dream. All spiritual practices will yield material results this week. Encourage people you do not like to gamble.

Libra: You rule the star filled firmament. This week, you are the victorious general. The roots of a plot to overthrow your rule is being planted this week. Channel your inner renaissance court manners to watch for the trembling eyebrow and the quivering lip of those that seek to poison your morning oat meal.

Scorpio: The War God needs generals for the upcoming Just War. Your job is to make Just War a Total War. Time to get your armor out of the closet, sharpen the boarding axes, and dip the arrows in fresh poison. Blind Justice smiles upon your efforts, both on the battlefield and the computer.

Sagittarius: This week you will realize that Capital is a Platonic Form, being non-corporeal, exemplar, and causative. People should line up to listen to your wisdom, but the climb up the mountain is too much for the short sighted mortals around you.

Capricorn: Everything is going according to plan. Your ability to resist minor irritations reflects to your benefit.

Aquarius: A conflict at the beginning of the week leads to career advancement in the end. Something unexpected late on Tuesday plays to your advantage. The secrets in the basement can be added to; lay in a supply of bricks and mortar for a special project.

Pisces: A legal finesse by your enemies is turned to your advantage thanks your superior good luck and ability to be absent at the right time. An opportunity coalesces out of the fog to come within your grasp on Saturday.

I, Sargon the Magnificent, wrote this.

Horoscope for the week of August 5, 2018

Saturday, August 4th, 2018

Aries: You will find yourself at an orgy on Wednesday. Walk backwards this week whenever you can, keeping in mind the social norms and expectations. For that matter, who is more skilled than you in whooshing down the road driving backwards?

Taurus: An intense week: until Tuesday, a certain ill formed unaesthetic cloud hangs over your personal creation. A secret admirer reveals themselves on Wednesday. And, Thursday you will realize that you have been transported to a parallel universe by a lusty shape shifting entity, that is using you as a sexual diversion. Friday, you return to here; the doppelganger that replaced you had nowhere as much fun as you did.

Gemini: You will be given credit for your wisdom at a later date. But, this week, you do get to watch as a hated enemy is publicly humiliated and then dispatched in a grisly rite harking back to the time of our pagan ancestors. Avoid shanking hands with people … there is a dirty monkey virus lurking.

Cancer: A champion will arise and struggle with the oppressor. On Thursday you will witness the revelation of a movement; and seven hours later the great battle. Wear good footwear (steel toe and electrically insulated) to handle the messy after effects of secret government laboratory weapons.

Leo: You rule. On Thursday, the wrong person gets poisoned at dinner. Try not to laugh. Someone is having illicit sex (a torrid romance, actually) in their car which tends to be parked rather too close to where you can hear the moaning and see the shaking.

Virgo: A co-worker who stands in the way of your ambitions will become infected with rabies. So amusing, but some damage might be done to treasured office plants. Bring in your own hand sanitizer.

Libra: Your plans of world domination reach a satisfying and lucrative benchmark on Tuesday. Alas, there is the mopping up after these battles of attrition, which occurs Thursday. You will find something very beautiful, but ill sized to your hand, and certainly a poor match for your combat style.

Scorpio: You will win the lottery this week. Several times, in fact. You might miss out the second and third because you are so caught up in the first. This is a trans formative challenge, and you are up to the task.

Sagittarius: You will be drawn into the struggles of an extraterrestrial host against another extraterrestrial host. The actual cause and motivation is somewhat obscure, but you should think carefully if you are considering changing sides.

Capricorn: Go naked in woods as many times this week as want. Take a long lunch and have the platinum platter at your sex club.

Aquarius: Insects are your enemy this week, Aquarius. Wednesday, they strike! Lay in an arsenal of mankind’s most toxic chemical sprays. Arm yourself with protective gear. Perform necessary spring maintenance on your flamethrower, and gird your loins.

Pisces: A terrifying conspiracy will be revealed you when you discover some lost correspondence in a book in a public library. Your role in the overthrow of this cabal will become clear to you over the next few weeks.

1 – 2 – 2017 By The Numbers

Sunday, January 1st, 2017

Ah! The new year: 2017!

Did you know:

That 2017 is an odd number?

That 2017 is a Prime number? You betcha!

That – specifically – 2017 is the 306th Prime – directly following 2013 ? I recall that 2013 sucked a bit, so …

That 2017 has a representation as a sum of 2 squares: 2017 = 9^2 + 44^2 ?

That 2017 is the hypotenuse of a primitive Pythagorean triple: 2017^2 = 792^2 + 1855^2 ?

That 2017 has the representation 2017 = 2^11 – 31?

That 2017 divides 79^7 – 1 ? The result is: 9521025774. This is a number that has absolutely NO significance whatsoever

in the entirety of Mathematics or in ANY field of human endeavor. A number that – until just now – no human in history had ever paid the slightest attention to – or had even written down on paper as I have today.

That Hillary Clinton will never be POTUS?

This is a special moment.

**Thanks to McGoo

Horoscope for the week

Wednesday, December 28th, 2016

Select clients of Sargon the Magnificent, the world’s foremost financial astrologer, can now have instant access to personalized chart interpretation. It is in italics after the general notice. Understand?

Aries: Look to the artistic genius of Sonny Bono for inspiration. You will win the love of the one you love with clever japes and sleight of hand. As for the pesky, take them to the swamp.
Aries in Etobicoke: The shipment from our friend in St.Petersburg should arrive at Toronto airport on Wotan’s Day. Practice your Finnish anecdotes and bon jours for an evening of libation.

Taurus: A special opportunity to make someone smile at Christmas happens while shopping this week, Taurus. Give yourself those shoes you have been lusting for.
Taurus in Don Mills: Brush up your calculus …. some components from a phased array radar system will find their way to the warehouse on Osler with the Tuesday delivery. Check the manual. If it looks good, inform Stavros.

Gemini: Recommend a bad dentist to an enemy. Take advantage of the decline in standards to improve your own. Ultimately, you alone must decide if your shoes are comfortable.
Gemini at TDSB: The new synthetic is available for your enjoyment and profit. I’m sending you five hundred. Let’s do some feedback from the high school kids, too.

Cancer: A delightful feast awaits you, brought at the hands of a stranger. Your secret admirer will make an offer of a secret liaison.
Cancer the electrician: Your name is showing up in the wrong databases. Go back to driving the truck. The ‘57 T-bird is too conspicuous.

Leo: Avoid large fleet actions until after you have personally inspected the lifeboats. A nest of rats is discovered at an embarrassing time.

Leo at Davenport: This laboratory work you are doing is impressive. You are doing a great job! Expect an extra thousand in your packet and a blue privilege token. Thank you from me and the gang!

Virgo: If you are squeemish about the use, or absence, of false teeth during lovemaking, you are better advised to silence, as you could offend a wealthy patron.
Virgo who commutes: That minion I told you about is both incompetent and treacherous. Your soft heart is spreading to your head (and then to your purse). Ghaack. Thrax will be in town Tuesday if you are feeling squeemish for final solutions.

Libra: Be discrete in your mistrust of the person packing your parachute. Someone around you is due for a fall from grace.
Libra on Redpath: Have minions capable of handling the barrels of hypergolic fuels in the Friday shipment. No slip ups!

Scorpio: When your serving knave passes the poisoned flagon to the wrong party, be prepared to laugh it off.
Scorpio on vacation: Thank you for the thoughtful Christmas fruitcake. Mom and Dad wolfed it down with that new formula Scotch. Our friends in Tokyo would like five thousand kiloliters of the X-20161112 batch for a taste. Largo will contact you with shipping details.

Sagittarius: Have an open mind to new experiences. This means being covered in icing sugar and licked all over. You will deepen a friendship.
Sagittarius with dog: Just tell people it is ’self talk’. When you mention ‘hearing voices’ it can upset some people. It is their fault, really. They do not understand the lengths to which you will go to express your genius.

Capricorn: You will discover an extension to your powers of telepathy that is triggered (and powered) by music with kettle drums.
Capricorn with chocolate: The reason the time travel chamber is left in a mess is because people are thoughtless and do not think of others. Clean up after yourself (coffee cups, pizza boxes, paper plates) please. Once we get past the anniversary of the Battle of Warsaw, things will slow down.

Aquarius: Music of the French Revolution will put a spring in your step and hope in your heart, Aquarius. Make a proscription list.
Aquarius in the Junction: These are the expected side effects of a transplant of rat testicles. Of course you are interested in different foods. It is normal and natural.

Pisces: A sinkhole will swallow up a vexing problem at a most opportune time. If you can remember what you wrote on the ground at that spot last spring, you can repeat the experience.
Pisces in Orton: Get rich quick on the stock market this week. Look to United States Steel for your pot of gold, you capitalist opportunist. Further details can be had from the ouiji board. Ask for Clem of Cambridge.

Horoscope for the week

Monday, December 19th, 2016

Aries: Regarding your FY 2015 IRS tax filing, and those “deductions” you faked: No, they didn’t fall for them. Not one bit. And – boy! – are they pissed.

Taurus: Jupiter is in a state of near-terminal ennui this week so warm dress is in order on most evenings. But forget the gloves – even at weddings – because hangnails and a nasty case of nail fungus will cause you untold amounts of inconvenience. A fairly tasty pecan pie tossed by a random prankster will give you a near miss soon. You will have to judge for yourself whether or not this is a bad thing.

Gemini: The flotation device you choose for the annual river float you take with friends will deflate at an unfortunate moment, resulting in a “snag” on submerged debris. So wear underwear – and not the polka-dot ones, for Christ-sake!

Cancer: Saturn is salivating over his young again, so take extra precautions when caring for children. A large head of cheese & a crescent wrench feature prominently in your life soon. Avoid yellow thumbtacks, especially when they are pointy-end up.

Leo: You may get embroiled in a multi-car crash in the fog in the near-future. Oddly, every one of the drivers involved will be a Leo. When a rookie police officer remarks upon this coincidence, all of you will pounce on him and beat him into a pulp for no apparent reason. Also oddly, no charges will be filed by the local (Leo) Prosecuting Attorney.

Virgo: Remember when you were young and your parents taught you to never run while holding a knife? Well, this bit of wisdom will slip your mind soon – just for one tiny moment! Pity. But on the bright side, you’ll still have one eye left.

Libra: A puppy will pee on you or a loved one in the near future. If you go shopping, avoid any checkout line where you see a person buying stacks of pecan pies.

Scorpio: Your puppy will pee on an acquaintance or loved one in the near future. Later, it will gorge itself on an apparently-dropped pecan pie, and then barf its stomach contents in your car or house or shoe.

Sagittarius: If you decide to do that desert-hike in southern Arizona or Texas with your friends this summer, be sure to steer clear of any odd packages or abandoned backpacks you happen upon in the wilderness. Especially if they have the Cali Cartel emblem stamped on them.

Capricorn: Uranus is eclipsing itself vigorously for the next few days, so stay indoors. If you must go outdoors, carry an umbrella and a clarinet. Peanut butter will feature prominently during your next medical exam. The joke you overhear from the nurses station will be quite offensive & in poor taste, but you will have to laugh silently to yourself over it anyway.

Aquarius: In the next week or so you’ll spot your spouse or a loved one entering an unsavory business establishment well-known for it’s “odd patrons & exotic services”, and the many police raids it has endured. DON’T mention this sighting to anyone.

Pisces: Your dentist or proctologist will have a sudden violent epileptic seizure – at precisely the wrong moment. The medical staff will be laughing about it privately for months.

**If you’re thinking you may have seen this same horoscope somewhere else a long, long time ago, you are badly mistaken. This is original material.


Horoscope for the week

Sunday, February 28th, 2016

Your week begins with a double dose of alchemical water. This particular blend favors new projects and the completion of old ones. The transitions might be emotionally traumatic. But there are lessons to be learnt. And if you know your Nietzsche, you will know that if you pass through the fire, you will have been forged into a better, stronger alloy. But that is just for everyone. What about your personal astrological forecast? (more…)