Archive for the ‘Horoscope’ Category

Horoscope for the week

Monday, February 22nd, 2016

The sun enters Pisces this week, so new secrets are concealed, old secrets are revealed, and dreams take on a prophetic meaning. Practical concerns overshadow the spiritual, to the extent that one may raise up false idols. There may also be distractions from revelation. But that is just for everyone. What about your personal astrological forecast? (more…)

Horoscope for the week

Sunday, February 14th, 2016

Aries: You will be challenged in the realm of shared resources. After you get your way, there will be some good sex. The Monday challenge will be from a lazy grazer with a legacy claim; and the Friday challenge will be someone nimble with a commonly recognized claim.

Taurus: The concerns of old people complicate your week until Thursday, when the concerns of people afraid to become old take over. The high point of the week is Tuesday, when I suggest that you be irresponsible and go off and gamble.

Gemini: An unusually steady week for you, Gemini. Tuesday through Thursday you will enjoy recognition, acclaim, and fame. But beware of the selfish motivations of some aging hipster who lives in dread fear of growing old.

Cancer: The setback you were expecting will only make you stronger. Talking about it to people who have the same depth of understanding as a wall covering sales brochure kiosk is only a tutorial in realization of how you have grown in wisdom.

Leo: One last week under the lash of people whose defining essence is fear of growing old, loathing for signs of age, and, really, aversion to the wisdom that comes with age. The person who wants to walk through life holding your hand is more important to your future than you know.

Virgo: You will win the lottery. Have an action plan in place.

Libra: Take on an older lover this week. Acquire antiques, and the true value of some of your older assets will become apparent. These opportunities will happen suddenly.

Scorpio: When your inner voice tells you ‘no good will come of this’, pay attention and act accordingly. You have a powerful and lucrative opportunity at your fingertips. Twenty five cents will get you ten dollars, but you must overcome your lust for that quarter.

Sagittarius: You will discover a system of political governance superior to democracy this week, Sagittarius. Those of your friends who are interested are more likely to be part of your future.

Capricorn: Inner work this week, even as you work away. Something electric happens Tuesday – Wednesday. It might just involve software, or grammar, or the public. I cannot tell you as it would affect your choices. After the fact, you will understand.

Aquarius: Something unusual is going on with you and all known forms of financial instruments. Check your coins for examples from other planets or having dates in the future. The person you show your future derived coin to, who does not think it a fine joke, is really a time traveller.

Pisces: The power of illusion is yours to command. Regardless, after the smoke has cleared and the mirrors cleaned and put away, you will have profound insights into things having nothing to do with what you were trying to accomplish. Such is life in the sea, Pisces.

Horoscope for the week

Monday, February 8th, 2016

When am I going to get paid? Where is my money? I want my money.

Yes, we have all had this problem. Remember the time you lent twenty bucks to your drunken friend at the Superbowl … years ago, now. And the miserable cactus has not paid you back. Hundred dollar emergency loans to decrepit relatives and fawning in-laws. Or the boss or business partner. Or the bank. Did they lie to you? Take advantage of your spiritual, caring nature? So many questions. The self doubt begins to ooze out of your eyes and armpits like black snot.

Astrology, the science of predicting the future, older and better than the snake oil mumbo jumbo and endless pills of the white coated wallet rapists of the public health care system, has the answers. Be at rest. Send me your money. Solutions will come after. Why wait? Your friends are consulting astrologers about stuff.

You want answers. I want your money. Go suffer without your horoscope for a while. Go to your room, no dinner. Brat. Send me your money.

I, Fenris Badwulf, wrote this. I care.

Horoscope for the Week

Sunday, January 31st, 2016

Aries: Long term strategic planning for the conquest of a distant planet is being performed on your computer by an alien intelligence. You should pay more attention to the games loaded on your devices.

Taurus: Eating too much never was so good than it gets this week, Taurus. Growling will impress your host, and this host is someone you want to impress. Study Polish war movies for dining etiquette.

Gemini: A dark power has planted dragons teeth close to where you walk your dog. Make sure you clean up after your pet. Piddle is ok, but the nascent war spirits do not much like turd. Best to keep on the good side of the war gods.

Cancer: The long dead spirit of one of your heroic ancestors is looking for you. If you hear martial music when no one else can, in places where you really do not expect to hear it, then they are close by. Be assured, they like you.

Leo: You are the one calm one in the room. Someone needs a punch in the throat and who, but you Leo, are the one to administer administrative justice? Not enough people admire you for your shining example.

Virgo: This week will be all battle stations, alarms, and, on Thursday, a close call. Be judicious in your choices of routes to work, and keep your negotiating wits about you when you are approached by an extraterrestrial power looking for mercenaries for a high (very high) tech conflict. Ask for more, and get it.

Libra: Soothing words are needed during a difficult moment at one of those Roman orgies you like to attend. Let the Senator drink the wine first. If you do not know the words to the Peronist march, just pretend you do.

Scorpio: Does your bookkeeping system account for found money? There is just too much money around. You will find it, in large amounts, in all sorts of hilarious places. Do not let these windfalls make you too serious.

Sagittarius: Study the forest laws of King John for some good examples to guide you in your work this week. If members of the clergy are not pleading for mercy on behalf of some one, then you are not doing your job. Do not get soft.

Capricorn: You will win the lottery this week. Listen to German march music for inspiration. You need a steady pace and a good siege mentality to get through this week of obnoxious primate chatter.

Aquarius: You will find one of the lost notebooks of evil this week. If you are brave enough to read it, you will find yourself nostalgic for the simplicity of the Dark Ages. Maybe you should read more history. Maybe live it, too.

Pisces: Your mastery of an ancient art will pay off in gold, silver, and diamonds this week. Make a suitable offering to Thor, Wotan, and Frey to show how reasonable you are. As for those other religions around you, just pretend you care.

I, Fenris Badwulf, wrote this. I care.

Horoscope for the week

Sunday, January 24th, 2016

Aries: Pay attention to any waking nightmares you may have this week, Aries.  They will give you powerful foresight into future conflicts, and if you expect to win, having some special intel just might give you the jump on those creatures that infest the future.

Taurus: Excessively practical matters relating to the mundane facts of daily existence will be of a special joy to you this week, Taurus.  Being efficient, prepared, and, well, witty, is appreciated both by yourself, and the faceless gnomes of our government.

Gemini: Whatever you are dealing with early in the week will be suddenly forgotten after the day of crisis that will be Tuesday, Gemini.  Face it, you have been bogged down in a dream world populated with comical demons.  They will be banished with laughter.

Cancer: Your good, profitable, and creative ideas are born early in the week, Cancer.  They will take practical form Wednesday.  And, on Friday, you can start to socialize.  With small amounts of foresight you can be the star of the party.  Bring rolling papers and condoms for more than just yourself.

Leo: Be prepared for opposition to your program of self improvement.  If you ride your bike, it will snow.  If you drive, it will be sunny and clear.  If you walk, there will be freezing rain.  Choose carefully what you do not want to happen.

Virgo: Your researches into microwave devices suitable for home defense will take a quantum leap forward on Tuesday.  You will achieve this though a discovery during investigation of some new components you have been ignoring in your secret laboratory.  Remember, wait till after Tuesday, Virgo.

Libra: You will find yourself running errands for an entity of the underworld that is only shapeshifting to appear as your friend, boss, or lover. Mind you, the shapeshifted darklord has more personality and certainly appreciates your skills far more than who they are pretending to be.  Enjoy basking in the shadows.

Scorpio: You inspire fear in people this week, Scorpio.  The earth shakes when you walk.  Use the shriveling glance of disapproval.  The more you can influence events without speaking, the better.  Let your minions handle the preparations,  and the clean up.  You concentrate on the enjoyment.

Sagittarius: Administrative burdens will be resolved this week, Sagittarius.  Even a horse archer has to get off their horse and help out with crucifying political prisoners if Caesar wants it so.  If you hit your thumb with a hammer, there will be more forms to be filled in, so wear gloves and keep your hands warm.  Avoid leaving fingerprints.

Capricorn: The less you tell people of your plans, schemes, and plots, the more effective and timely will be your secret agenda of Total World Domination.  Practice your innocent smile and unknowing shrug.  You will need them on Thursday.

Aquarius: Let it be known that a lavish birthday feast is to be expected.  Good fortune will smile upon those who celebrate the rites of Bacchus in honor of your special day.  As for those who scoff, they will have an eruption of boils on their lazy bums.

Pisces: People are seeing through your web of subterfuge, Pisces.  But none of them really understand that it originates from you.  Let them blame the municipal government, when it really is your expanding psychic powers that are the origin of mercurial traffic ticket enforcement.

I, Fenris Badwulf, wrote this.

Horoscope for the week

Sunday, January 17th, 2016

Aries: That party you get invited to will develop into an orgy.  Have some fun and wear clean underwear.  Maybe use that special soap you have been saving since Christmas last.

Taurus: You will get some public attention on Tuesday.  It might involve the law, so temper your road rage impulses.  Better to be the onlooker who gets interviewed rather than the perp on the news.

Gemini: Your unusual sexual tastes are being captured on video.  Expect a shock when you recognize yourself while porn surfing.  Time to reassess your selection in tradesmen.

Cancer: Make a quick buck on Saturday selling something with marginal value.  One of the pieces of paper money you receive will be counterfeit.

Leo: When a drug deal goes bad at work, expect some excitement.  Drowning someone in a toilet is something that only happens in movies, or so you thought.  Be prepared for a mess.

Virgo: Read the documents carefully, no one else has.  If you can short sell the stock of your employer, you will make a windfall thanks to inside knowledge.

Libra: Pick a Roman Emperor noted for codifying law.  You will learn from their example.  Be careful with food you find in the office refrigerator.

Scorpio: A hated co-worker will be sucked into another dimension, only to reappear next week as a steaming, cooked carcass in a janitors closet.  Check the label on the microwave.

Sagittarius: A hated task at work can be turned to your advantage.  Put aside your plans to glue your boss to his desk for now.  A better opportunity is around the corner.

Capricorn: Everything is going according to plan.  Your secret agenda of Total World Domination is moving forward, one domino at a time.  Expect good news from an agent of the underworld.

Aquarius: You will have the opportunity to help someone less fortunate than yourself this week.  Give them what they need, rather than what they want.  Leave no fingerprints on your offering.

Pisces: If you are reading this, you have been duped into walking through a portal to a parallel universe.  The path back is in the kitchen.  Check the label on the microwave.

Horoscope for the week of March 22, 2015

Sunday, March 22nd, 2015

Aries: Some old fogey crosses your path for the better on Thursday. Better for you that is.

Taurus: Complications arise from the ‘three bosses’ style of leadership. Some young whippersnapper complicates things, but you will only find out later.

Gemini: A study of the politics of the Scottish highlands during the sixteenth century would help you sail through your week.

Cancer: Keep your thoughts to yourself. There are enough around you who will do your thinking for you. Just play along

Leo: Only you can save the planet Earth from destruction. You will accomplish this on Wednesday with the assistance of someone older.

Virgo: You will win the lottery this week.

Libra: A friend is someone who will help you put a body in the trunk of your car. You inspire friendship.

Scorpio: At least once this week, take all your clothes off and run around your house.

Sagittarius: You are being watched.

Capricorn: Everything is going according to plan.

Aquarius: Your displeasure at recent developments in tort law can only be seen by those who understand you.

Pisces: The great reward you receive next week is foreshadowed by the small reward you receive Wednesday.

Horoscope for the week of March 15, 2015

Sunday, March 15th, 2015

Aries: You march with the God of War this week Aries. The sound of your footsteps is like that of a marching army. Cowards flee at your approach.

Taurus: Total victory is yours this Wednesday, Taurus. A month of good things begins then, but be wary about communications, documents, and paperwork.

Gemini: Your week features confusion in communications, Gemini. A prophetic dream you will have on Wednesday.

Cancer: Your week begins with complications, obnoxious old people, and irksome gimps.

Leo: You rule, Leo. Your focus will not be of your choosing, however.

Virgo: Turn right, or turn left, regardless you will find yourself at an orgy. Be presentable, or face the inhibitions that come from wearing underwear with holes.

Libra: After Wednesday you will find yourself being pulled into all sorts of romantic liaisons. There is magic in that spring air, especially after dark. The underwear you find in the back seat of your car is not yours.

Scorpio: You will wake up in a parallel dimension. It may take some time for you to catch on. What happens in parallel dimension, stays in parallel dimension.

Sagittarius: You will find yourself in an alliance with a leader, but nothing really gets done. Take advantage of the free food and drink that has been supplied.

Capricorn: The answer is at your fingertips. Some research is required. Shoelaces require attention.

Aquarius: Do not lose your head. This includes talking back to any sort of medieval baron, bishop, or king. Agreement is both wise and practical.

Pisces: There is a secret underwater base located within only a few miles of your home. Someone close to you is in league with them. You will identify them by the tin foil hat.

Horoscope for the week of March 8, 2014

Sunday, March 8th, 2015

Aries: You will have a prophetic dream that will give you insight into events on Monday morning. This dream provides insight into the strangest thing that will happen to you on Thursday. It will happen in public, close to water, and involve a fish merchant. Travel by canoe or submarine is not recommended. If you must fish, fish alone.

Taurus: You will find a bag of money abandoned by a fleeing criminal on Wednesday. Regardless of your decision, you will be tormented by the alternatives. You can only spend other people’s money once.

Gemini: Old people will oppose you this week, especially on Friday. Expect some world class incompetence from the aged. The root cause is medication, but this will not be apparent until next week when all the facts come in.

Cancer: Poisoning the boss seems like a good idea this week. Something slow? Perhaps quick would be better.

Leo: An opportunity for others is slipping out of their fingers. Does this make you sad to see others mishandle their good fortune?

Virgo: Old people are obnoxious, but not with you. A communication crisis occurs with an old geezer, but late in the week. You will sidestep this mutton head with agility.

Libra: Your saucy love affair from two weeks ago fades into memory this week. Fresh conquests will appear on the horizon next week.

Scorpio: A secret is revealed on Thursday. Only drinking the blood of your enemies will satisfy your thirst. Maybe you should consider changing your selection at the coffee shop.

Sagittarius: Your plans for a tropical vacation should include a double check of any scuba equipment you plan to use. The moray eel that finds you lives in the boundaries of a forgotten but unsleeping mine field. Such excitement and no real opportunity to scream until you reach the air above.

Capricorn: Thursday, not much happens. The rest of the week, kinda slow. The law of reversal is acting in your favor.

Aquarius: You get stuck with the talking parts this week. Your fortitude in the face of advancing senility in the aged, the absence of logic in those promoted due to anything but ability, and, well, the carelessness and indifference of others is to be commended.

Pisces: The news that someone else has been eaten by a sea creature will revive your memory of dreaming of just such an event. Do not tell other people about this. Especially the part where you are the sea creature, and that the someone else tasted rather good. Contemplation and meditation is suggested. You will look at food differently after this.

Horoscope for the week of December 16, 2012

Saturday, December 15th, 2012

Saving throw: the week begins with the Moon in the Aquarius, which is to say, not in Capricorn. The Moon is in detriment in Capricorn, which is not a happy thing. Which is to say, the week begins with the idea or realization that a great difficult chain of events has been avoided. The fuse has not been lit, which is good. However, there will be the understanding that there is a fuzed magazine out there, unattended. You may breathe a sigh of relief. The wise prepare; the awakened scream in fear; and the ignorant continue to collect their welfare money.

Your future is written in the stars. Human behavior is the most difficult to change with reason; and personality is shaped by events. Study those events as they ebb and flow around a person and you will have a good measure of what sort of person has been washed up by the storms.

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Tuesday, December 11th, 2012

The responsible adults here at Mitchieville would like to take this opportunity to distance ourselves from the incomplete explanations offered up by our Astrologer in Residence, Sargon the Magnificent. While Sargon the Magnificent can stand behind everything he says, I must respond to the e-mails and phone calls from discerning readers seeking clarification. As Mitchieville is a caring place, where Quality is Job One and the Telemarketers Code of Ethics is written upon every heart, I have to wade into the fray and explain the Aries entry for the Horoscope for the week of December 9, 2012.


Aries:
On Thursday you will be transported to a parallel universe where you will spend the next forty seven years, then be transported back to the moment after you were taken. Take advantage of the learning opportunity.

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Horoscope for the week of December 9, 2012

Sunday, December 9th, 2012

Will Science ever solve any more of the pressing problems of the current age? In the past, Science was popular and got things done. Inventions were practical, economical, and common place. The garage and the basement workshop were places where problems were solved. Well, be content: the dry spell ends this week. With Science that solves problems comes Mad Scientists, Space Aliens, and Unforeseen Consequences. What fun! This comes as a welcome distraction from the themes of Global Wars of Religion and Global Economic Shifts. The daily oppression of political correctness and financial reality is transformed into new and improved electric reality.
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