Archive for the ‘Horoscope’ Category

Horoscope for the week of March 22, 2015

Sunday, March 22nd, 2015

Aries: Some old fogey crosses your path for the better on Thursday. Better for you that is.

Taurus: Complications arise from the ‘three bosses’ style of leadership. Some young whippersnapper complicates things, but you will only find out later.

Gemini: A study of the politics of the Scottish highlands during the sixteenth century would help you sail through your week.

Cancer: Keep your thoughts to yourself. There are enough around you who will do your thinking for you. Just play along

Leo: Only you can save the planet Earth from destruction. You will accomplish this on Wednesday with the assistance of someone older.

Virgo: You will win the lottery this week.

Libra: A friend is someone who will help you put a body in the trunk of your car. You inspire friendship.

Scorpio: At least once this week, take all your clothes off and run around your house.

Sagittarius: You are being watched.

Capricorn: Everything is going according to plan.

Aquarius: Your displeasure at recent developments in tort law can only be seen by those who understand you.

Pisces: The great reward you receive next week is foreshadowed by the small reward you receive Wednesday.

Horoscope for the week of March 15, 2015

Sunday, March 15th, 2015

Aries: You march with the God of War this week Aries. The sound of your footsteps is like that of a marching army. Cowards flee at your approach.

Taurus: Total victory is yours this Wednesday, Taurus. A month of good things begins then, but be wary about communications, documents, and paperwork.

Gemini: Your week features confusion in communications, Gemini. A prophetic dream you will have on Wednesday.

Cancer: Your week begins with complications, obnoxious old people, and irksome gimps.

Leo: You rule, Leo. Your focus will not be of your choosing, however.

Virgo: Turn right, or turn left, regardless you will find yourself at an orgy. Be presentable, or face the inhibitions that come from wearing underwear with holes.

Libra: After Wednesday you will find yourself being pulled into all sorts of romantic liaisons. There is magic in that spring air, especially after dark. The underwear you find in the back seat of your car is not yours.

Scorpio: You will wake up in a parallel dimension. It may take some time for you to catch on. What happens in parallel dimension, stays in parallel dimension.

Sagittarius: You will find yourself in an alliance with a leader, but nothing really gets done. Take advantage of the free food and drink that has been supplied.

Capricorn: The answer is at your fingertips. Some research is required. Shoelaces require attention.

Aquarius: Do not lose your head. This includes talking back to any sort of medieval baron, bishop, or king. Agreement is both wise and practical.

Pisces: There is a secret underwater base located within only a few miles of your home. Someone close to you is in league with them. You will identify them by the tin foil hat.

Horoscope for the week of March 8, 2014

Sunday, March 8th, 2015

Aries: You will have a prophetic dream that will give you insight into events on Monday morning. This dream provides insight into the strangest thing that will happen to you on Thursday. It will happen in public, close to water, and involve a fish merchant. Travel by canoe or submarine is not recommended. If you must fish, fish alone.

Taurus: You will find a bag of money abandoned by a fleeing criminal on Wednesday. Regardless of your decision, you will be tormented by the alternatives. You can only spend other people’s money once.

Gemini: Old people will oppose you this week, especially on Friday. Expect some world class incompetence from the aged. The root cause is medication, but this will not be apparent until next week when all the facts come in.

Cancer: Poisoning the boss seems like a good idea this week. Something slow? Perhaps quick would be better.

Leo: An opportunity for others is slipping out of their fingers. Does this make you sad to see others mishandle their good fortune?

Virgo: Old people are obnoxious, but not with you. A communication crisis occurs with an old geezer, but late in the week. You will sidestep this mutton head with agility.

Libra: Your saucy love affair from two weeks ago fades into memory this week. Fresh conquests will appear on the horizon next week.

Scorpio: A secret is revealed on Thursday. Only drinking the blood of your enemies will satisfy your thirst. Maybe you should consider changing your selection at the coffee shop.

Sagittarius: Your plans for a tropical vacation should include a double check of any scuba equipment you plan to use. The moray eel that finds you lives in the boundaries of a forgotten but unsleeping mine field. Such excitement and no real opportunity to scream until you reach the air above.

Capricorn: Thursday, not much happens. The rest of the week, kinda slow. The law of reversal is acting in your favor.

Aquarius: You get stuck with the talking parts this week. Your fortitude in the face of advancing senility in the aged, the absence of logic in those promoted due to anything but ability, and, well, the carelessness and indifference of others is to be commended.

Pisces: The news that someone else has been eaten by a sea creature will revive your memory of dreaming of just such an event. Do not tell other people about this. Especially the part where you are the sea creature, and that the someone else tasted rather good. Contemplation and meditation is suggested. You will look at food differently after this.

Horoscope for the week of December 16, 2012

Saturday, December 15th, 2012

Saving throw: the week begins with the Moon in the Aquarius, which is to say, not in Capricorn. The Moon is in detriment in Capricorn, which is not a happy thing. Which is to say, the week begins with the idea or realization that a great difficult chain of events has been avoided. The fuse has not been lit, which is good. However, there will be the understanding that there is a fuzed magazine out there, unattended. You may breathe a sigh of relief. The wise prepare; the awakened scream in fear; and the ignorant continue to collect their welfare money.

Your future is written in the stars. Human behavior is the most difficult to change with reason; and personality is shaped by events. Study those events as they ebb and flow around a person and you will have a good measure of what sort of person has been washed up by the storms.

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Tuesday, December 11th, 2012

The responsible adults here at Mitchieville would like to take this opportunity to distance ourselves from the incomplete explanations offered up by our Astrologer in Residence, Sargon the Magnificent. While Sargon the Magnificent can stand behind everything he says, I must respond to the e-mails and phone calls from discerning readers seeking clarification. As Mitchieville is a caring place, where Quality is Job One and the Telemarketers Code of Ethics is written upon every heart, I have to wade into the fray and explain the Aries entry for the Horoscope for the week of December 9, 2012.


Aries:
On Thursday you will be transported to a parallel universe where you will spend the next forty seven years, then be transported back to the moment after you were taken. Take advantage of the learning opportunity.

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Horoscope for the week of December 9, 2012

Sunday, December 9th, 2012

Will Science ever solve any more of the pressing problems of the current age? In the past, Science was popular and got things done. Inventions were practical, economical, and common place. The garage and the basement workshop were places where problems were solved. Well, be content: the dry spell ends this week. With Science that solves problems comes Mad Scientists, Space Aliens, and Unforeseen Consequences. What fun! This comes as a welcome distraction from the themes of Global Wars of Religion and Global Economic Shifts. The daily oppression of political correctness and financial reality is transformed into new and improved electric reality.
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Horoscope for the week of December 2, 2012

Saturday, December 1st, 2012

One last week before the big three get their act together and march forward into the future together. This is the last week of confusing scientific discoveries. If you are in the loop, do not despair. It will start to make sense next week. Mars is distracted and is losing the race to Venus. This happens all the time, but it does distract the War God from his duties and responsibilities. The People are happy this week. Things are going their way, and anything unpleasant that happens on Monday will be explained away by the usual suspects. Your personal destiny is written in the stars, of course. Read on to discover what the stars have planned for you.
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Horoscope for the week of November 25, 2012

Sunday, November 25th, 2012

The forces are all aligned into an array under the control of two partners, with the exception of the most powerful of all. Justice and beauty are coerced into submission. One is distracted by details, the other by the grim necessities and opportunities arising from the interests of the dead. A great discovery has occurred, but few, very few, have understanding of its reach and depth. The people are sheep, being lead by their shepherd, which is no longer religion, but spectator sports. Such are the greater trends at work influencing the planet. But, what do the stars have in store for you?
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Horoscope for the week of November 18, 2012

Sunday, November 18th, 2012

The end of the week is more exciting than the beginning. Mars starts the week moving into exaltation in Capricorn, and the Moon is in detriment in the same sign. Venus is dethroned on Friday (she transits from Libra to Scorpio), the same day that Mars squares Uranus.

Neptune, ruling in Pisces (and moving direct) continues to instill a feeling of doom in all. For the evil ones amongst you, the doom is proportional to the evil; but the evil ones are not open at all about the clenching in their guts. Watch out for those people who are outwardly happy: they have dark scandals eating at them. Whilst Neptune does his thing, the war planet, Mars, is on the stage, answering to the Saturn and Pluto partnership. The crisis strikes suddenly and unexpectedly on Friday; a powerful woman falls from power, not in consequence, but it will appear so. The weekend will be full of loud sounds.

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Horoscope for the week of November 11, 2012

Sunday, November 11th, 2012

Neptune goes direct this week which bodes poorly for those living in denial. For those with an unclouded grasp of reality this will come as a sick realization that the world is not the way it used to be. So, this week is the realization: adaptation comes later. Also this week is a Mercury Neptune square: this is the aspect of the compulsive liar. It goes exact on Wednesday and will splash all over the four mutable signs (Pisces, Gemini, Virgo, and Sagittarius). The masters of deception that have been ahead of the curve on the new reality will find themselves confronted with their own horrible new reality. Everyone will be facing a monster, everyone. Evil comes to evil people. Buck up, pilgrim. It is just the Universe moving towards equilibrium. The closer you are to that state of tranquility, the smaller the magnitude of the correcting vector.
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Horoscope for the week of November 4, 2012

Sunday, November 4th, 2012

What an exciting week you have in store! Lucky mortals! Life sure is exciting. And democratic: three planets are in signs they rule (Moon, Venus, and Neptune), and there are two sets if mutual reception (Saturn with Pluto, and Jupiter with Mercury). Pretty much everyone has regency or palatine powers this week. The dominance of the masses passes on Tuesday, with their power passed over to the underworld forces of Pluto: which is to say practical considerations are whispering into the minds of the seething masses. Bread and Circuses are predicate upon commerce, conquest, and a steady supply of spoils from the colonies. There is grim reality in the relationship of Pluto with Saturn, and in their guts the masses know this. People will vote for their true economic self interest: many will make a pact with darkness. Neptune, the Earth Shaker, is watching, and most eager to move whole populations towards equilibrium of the spirit.
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Horoscope for the week of July 29, 2012

Sunday, July 29th, 2012

Aries: Things are going your way, but with complications. Someone else gets the best seat, and the mob favors someone with more paper credentials. Astounding inventions arrive, but are misunderstood.

Taurus: Opportunities to make money are presented to you this week, Taurus. These come in connection with some sinister application of your special skills, as in ‘taking advantage of the rules’ and ‘winning on a technicality’.

Gemini:
The law is not out to get you, but you could get caught up on a technicality. You should be most careful when the sun is at the zenith. This is not a good week to move around bodies in the trunk of your car.

Cancer: Not a bad week to avoid the spotlight. Seek out your private and intimate pleasures and the delights of gardening in the shade. Try something different, something from your childhood.

Leo: The powers of your mind are an irresistible force. But tiring. Those that admire your talents will experience good luck, reflected from your august visage.

Virgo: Seek inspiration from unusual sources. Select these sources by quality and nature. March music will put victory in your grasp. Handling gold will bring you fortune. An old friend will give you wise advice.

Libra: You will have a spicy sexual liaison with an older person. Associate yourself with lead objects. Stock up on ammo, for sure. Ancient coins with lead content will give you insight into modern economy.

Scorpio: You subconscious will give you a warning about future peril. Pay attention to your dreams. Crush as many insect pests as you can; show no mercy.

Sagittarius: Space aliens have taken a liking to some of the books in your personal library. You will also find some misfiled books that they have left on your book shelf. These you should pay attention to.

Capricorn: Everything is going according to plan. The War God smiles upon you and lavishes resources upon you. Make plans for travel, but expect short delays. Wear sun block.

Aquarius: Revisit your master arrest list and edit it for fresh additions and timely deletions. Go out and weed a garden or prune a tree for insight.

Pisces: Seek out private pleasures, and if possible, associate3 with large bodies of water like the sea, ocean, or lakes. Take note of your dreams as you will be given insight into the future from them.