Archive for the ‘humour’ Category
**J.M. Heinrichs is to blame for this. Like usual. Like always. Like OMG.
**It certainly wouldbe nice if Fenris revisited this piece and finished it. The Mayor doesn’t like posts that end with the word “and”. It leaves too much up in the air. This post is from 2.14.2010. Woulda coulda shoulda won some sort of award, and…
I have been bothered at my leisure with demands for production about the soon to be non-existance of Israel. Yeah, sure, it is a tasty subject for satire. It is grim and there will be quite a few war movies, great war movies of the future, to be written, scripted, story-boarded, filmed, edited, and shown. So I will write quick, as there are only a few more paragraphs to go before I am done with you.
Today is the first Saturday after the Persians went public with the Bomb. They have the Bomb. They have stated quite clearly the conditions under which they will use their Bomb. This is quite Queensberry rules, and every dead Statesman you talk to on the Ouija board will tell you that what they say is true enough to take heed of, and if you heed their boundary conditions, the Bomb will not go boom. So what? So what does this have to do with Israel? Those Persian atomic bombs can only hit Los Angeles, maybe San Francisco, certainly Honolulu. Utah is safe. So who cares?
Sure, Israel has the Bomb. They have the Bomb too. Big Deal. This problem is not a big problem as far as Military problems go. Israel does not fear the Bomb. They are more likely to fire their broadside first, and it just might happen in this wonderful decade of 2010. But before we get to how earthquakes and atomic bombs are like each other in effect, I want to talk about the ruthless self-interest of nation states.
This is a bad thing for Israel, but not in the way you would expect. History suggests that powers that pay tribute, pay tribute for appeasement, effect, or subterfuge.
Appeasement. The defeated in war end up paying tribute. A certain amount of the trillions invested in Israel every year has a proportion, a percentage that is simple weregild, blood money for a ’sorry we shot your Grandpa’ that comes with a rather nice greeting card.
Appeasement, but. But the great power that was enforcing this payment is under a leader of Hope and Change. He has been bowing to these other, lesser, tribute paying powers. Today, Saturday, the Final Decision Makers are listening to Opera at their weekend retreats, sipping the best, and deciding. Maybe the Israel money does not have to be paid. Not now. The Americans are choosing retreat as their policy. So weregild for Israel can stop.
Effect. Sure, your tribute money buys you some peace and contentment over close there to where the oil fields are. But lately, last few years, those shipping lines, pipelines, refineries are
Yet when they went on the It’s A Small World ride a few minutes before, three of those guys wet their pants out of fear.
It makes sense to The Mayor though – those audio-animatronic dolls, frolicking in a spirit of international unity while singing the ride’s title track, which has a theme of global peace ALWAYS freaks me out.
Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.
Q : I’m two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.
Q : What is the most reliable method to determine a baby’s sex?
Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she’s borderline irrational.
A: So what’s your question?
Q: My childbirth instructor says it’s not pain I’ll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.
Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?
A: Right after you find out you’re pregnant.
Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A: Not unless the word ‘alimony’ means anything to you.
Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.
Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby’s diaper very quickly.
Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A: When the kids are in college.
If I had a few thousand extra bucks kicking around and needed a crappy car, I’d go see the Cuban Gynecologyst & American Auto Salesman. He makes car salesman look honourable. Or whatever.
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
Garden Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it was a valuable plant.
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?
In the 60’s, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
Wouldn’t it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press ‘Ctr- Alt- Delete’ and start all over?
Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.
If raising children was going to be easy, it never would have started with something called ‘labor!’
How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, ‘I think I’ll squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out?’
Who was the first person to say, ‘See that chicken there? I’m gonna eat the next thing that comes outta its butt.’
One month after getting a penis extension, a Russian man has asked doctors to reverse the surgery:
The man wanted to add an extra two-thirds to his penis and get 25 cm (9.8 inches) instead of his 15 cm (5.9 inches).
The doctors tried to persuade the patient that his penis was ideally sized, warned that he may be unhappy with the results of the surgery, and even showed him a life-sized replica of a 25-cm male organ. But the man stood his ground and demanded the operation.
The surgery was completed in two sessions, and happy Konstantin returned home almost twice as large as he used to be. But in just one month he was back at the clinic again, this time asking to undo the enlargement.
“He said no woman wants to be with him anymore,” Life.ru quoted one of the doctors as saying.
“He came here several times, begged us for new surgery, swore he would never be so stupid again.”
However it will take six to eight months before a second surgery can be performed.
I sure feel my comrades pain, as it turns out I had to have half a foot lopped off my unit a few years ago because the way it stood, it was causing TLDG great discomfort. I thought I would hate having to slim down to 8″, but as it turns out, it never really gets in the way any more, and now I’m never frightened to zip up my pants really fast.
I ended up saving the discarded half a foot and now use it as a planter for a giant Madigascarian fern I bought at Sheridan Nurseries. Don’t say I’m not into recycling, you environmental wackos!
Wow, a character with a repetitive catchphrase who is ironically the real butt of the joke. Saturday Night Live seems to think that the blogger will go the way of the curbside breakdancer or the really hilarious self-help guru. They tried this with that whole Jarrett’s Room stuff they did about five years ago to take a poke at video bloggers, and it was kinda funny because it least it didn’t try to show those types as mundane losers.
Seth Meyers, if we put Weekend Update exclusively on the Internet and let you compete against some of the entertainment out there, how do you think your lame comedy would hold up? You have a dozen writers to do the talking for you, and you want to talk about “what’s your day job”? Your entire run behind that desk was slamming the Bush Administration at every turn, and you ask why the blogger hates people so much?
Thanks to VideoGum for calling this to my attention.