Archive for the ‘Ideas’ Category

Boutique – It’s Your Future

Wednesday, June 24th, 2015

So you have finally decided to say screw you to *The Man* and are finally ready to open up your own business. Good for you. You have a novel idea, you have unlimited energy, and so much passion that family members and friends can’t stand being beside you because you bore the shit out of them with your incessant ramblings about how *awesome* your new store is going to be. First of all, drop the word *awesome* – it is possibly the most overused word ever in the English language (show of hands – how many people, when hearing the word *awesome*, want to smash the face in of said *awesome* user? Surprise, 100000 to none).

Your store is going to be great, there is no doubting that. But how are you going to make your store stand out among the other 5 trillion stores in North America? How are you going to differentiate your place of business from the retail hell that takes up half of every livable square foot on this continent?

Simple. You are a royal prick and a condescending piece of shit that everybody loathes, therefore, you should open up a boutique.

Opening a boutique is perfect for people who think they have style, yet possess no more class than a maggot stuck on a chunk of meatloaf in a dirty dumpster. And that’s perfect for you.

Now that you have decided on the boutique meme, the next thing you have to choose is a name for your place of business. Seeing as though you have the boutique thing going on, the name of your store must reflect the snobbishness your boutique emits. Remember, you are better than everyone else, make sure your name has a snooty factor of infinity.

The Mayor has come up with a few names (perfect names) to help you out. Any one of these names is money in the bank. Feel free to take one, there is no charge.

  • Memories Cast In Salt Water
  • Footprints Drawn In The Sand
  • A Child’s Dream
  • Tender Heart, Baby Breath Kisses
  • A Walk Through Tyme
  • Enchanted Memories Of Love

The Mayor is sure he could come up with another 50 names in the next 5 minutes if he cared enough, but guess what? You got it, The Mayor careth not.

And remember – you can either use the word boutique at the beginning or the end of the name. For instance, you can either have “Boutique – A handmade Heart”, or, “Handmade Heart Boutique”.

Feel free to add to this disgusting list, the boutique crowd will thank you for it (in their own stuck-up way.)

The Ikea Fluffenheistermeister Chair

Wednesday, January 25th, 2012

Sits two on either side comfortably, the Ikea Fluffenheistermeister Chair® is available in brown or black. It now comes with 40 extra screws, for your convenience. At $29.99 the Ikea Fluffenheistermeister Chair® won’t last long, so get yours now!

Not Such A Great Idea

Friday, May 20th, 2011

The Mayor can’t possibly see what could go wrong. And while at it, call in a hostage situation. The police love it when you muck about with them like that. Probably because they have nothing better to do with their time.

Junk Mailers

Thursday, January 20th, 2011

I guess The Mayor is a piker when it comes to the proper way to mess with these companies. Typically, I take the “no postage necessary” envelopes, spray them cologne or perfume, write a brief note – “Thanks for your offer, you are very generous”, and then send them off from whence they came.

I do like today’s idea though.

So long Israel, and hello Vienna! – Saved in Drafts

Thursday, December 16th, 2010

**It certainly wouldbe nice if Fenris revisited this piece and finished it. The Mayor doesn’t like posts that end with the word “and”. It leaves too much up in the air. This post is from 2.14.2010. Woulda coulda shoulda won some sort of award, and…

I have been bothered at my leisure with demands for production about the soon to be non-existance of Israel.  Yeah, sure, it is a tasty subject for satire.  It is grim and there will be quite a few war movies, great war movies of the future, to be written, scripted, story-boarded, filmed, edited, and shown.  So I will write quick, as there are only a few more paragraphs to go before I am done with you.

Today is the first Saturday after the Persians went public with the Bomb. They have the Bomb.  They have stated quite clearly the conditions under which they will use their Bomb.  This is quite Queensberry rules, and every dead Statesman you talk to on the Ouija board will tell you that what they say is true enough to take heed of, and if you heed their boundary conditions, the Bomb will not go boom.  So what?  So what does this have to do with Israel?  Those Persian atomic bombs can only hit Los Angeles, maybe San Francisco, certainly Honolulu.  Utah is safe.  So who cares?

Sure, Israel has the Bomb. They have the Bomb too.  Big Deal.  This problem is not a big problem as far as Military problems go.  Israel does not fear the Bomb.  They are more likely to fire their broadside first, and it just might happen in this wonderful decade of 2010.  But before we get to how earthquakes and atomic bombs are like each other in effect, I want to talk about the ruthless self-interest of nation states.

This is a bad thing for Israel, but not in the way you would expect. History suggests that powers that pay tribute, pay tribute for appeasement, effect, or subterfuge.

Appeasement. The defeated in war end up paying tribute.  A certain amount of the trillions invested in Israel every year has a proportion, a percentage that is simple weregild, blood money for a ’sorry we shot your Grandpa’ that comes with a rather nice greeting card.

Appeasement, but. But the great power that was enforcing this payment is under a leader of Hope and Change. He has been bowing to these other, lesser, tribute paying powers. Today, Saturday, the Final Decision Makers are listening to Opera at their weekend retreats, sipping the best, and deciding. Maybe the Israel money does not have to be paid. Not now. The Americans are choosing retreat as their policy. So weregild for Israel can stop.

Effect. Sure, your tribute money buys you some peace and contentment over close there to where the oil fields are. But lately, last few years, those shipping lines, pipelines, refineries are


Thursday, December 9th, 2010

If you’re having trouble reading this, give The Mayor a call around lunchtime and I’ll be happy to tell you all about it.

Ya, it’s probably fake, but it’s still pretty funny. like the moon landing.

Optical Illusion Message From Vancouver Traffic Safety

Saturday, September 4th, 2010

Starting next Tuesday, motorists travelling on 22nd Street in West Vancouver will be met with a 3D image of a little girl chasing a ball. It’s okay folks, it’s all about safety:

‘We need to expect the unexpected because anything could happen, whether it is a 3D image on the road … or whether it’s a live child or a dog running in front of the car, these are all things that we have to be able to control for in a vehicle,” Mr. Dunne said.

The foundation is partnering with Preventable, a safety advocacy group, and the District of West Vancouver to install Canada’s first ever 3D image aimed at driver safety.

The display, which costs $15,000 to run, will be installed in a school zone on 22nd Street, just north of Inglewood Avenue, and very close to École Pauline Johnson Elementary School. It will be in place for one week.

The 3D image will look like an indistinguishable mark from far away, but by the time the driver is within 30 metres, the image of the girl and ball will become clear.

Now picture this: Vancouver is the stoner capital of Canada. What do you think will happen when some buzzard, all hopped up on some stink weed, drives into the 3D image? He’s going to laugh and laugh and laugh. Then he’s going to take his stoner buddies out for a little ride to check out the 3D image girl. He’s going to trick his buddies by driving right at the little girl without stopping, all the while his buddies are freaking out. The only problem, the image will have been taken down and the little girl he hit was an actual human being who ran out into the street.

Stopping for kids running out into the street will now be under the “fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me” category in the motorists’ unofficial handbook.

Now, The Mayor isn’t a “traffic safety specialist”, but I do know that distracting drivers with obstacles that don’t actually exist might not be the smartest idea ever conceived. A swerving car is a danger. When someone slams on their brakes, that’s also a danger.

But the biggest danger of them all? The buffoons at the BCAA Traffic Safety Foundation.

Love, Exciting & New

Tuesday, April 6th, 2010

That’s pretty much the way I found out I was going to be quarterback for my high school football team. I was having a rectal exam, and my gym teacher (don’t ask why he was giving me a rectal exam, I’m still not comfortable talking about it) pulled a football out of my butt and said, “congratulations, Mayor, you’re our new quarterback!” So I turned to him and said, “But I really want to be a pole-vaulter, but never mind, I’m pretty much through with surprises for one day.”

Modern ghost towns

Tuesday, May 5th, 2009


While there is a certain amount of decreased wealth all across the US and Canada, there are places where total abandonment in certain cities has happened.


George Bush Can’t Understand a Simple Book

Thursday, December 18th, 2008

Keyser was gratified to learn recently that the Command-in-Chief of the Free World not only reads a lot, but he reads not just mysteries but histories, and not only does he read them, but takes away lots of lessons from them. One would have thought that he wouldn’t have a lot of spare time on his hands as he destroys the free market in the process of “saving” it (perhaps he misremembered that “they make a desert and calling it peace” thing from his extensive readings). On the other hand, presumably a lot of this work can be done through delegation (“Sky’s the limit, Paul!” “Henry, sir.” “Henry.”) and so the Socialist-in-Chief can indulge his penchant for book learnin’. Unfortunately, it would appear that the histories are in fact mysteries to the Comforter-in-Chief: (more…)

One by One

Friday, November 21st, 2008

One By One 

When I submit a post, sometimes I look around the room and realize,“Hmmmm. There are a number of blank looks.The concept is,  Economy of Scale. 

A device shows up in the store, a type of refrigerator, one meant for the cottage and RV’s. It comes with a thing that looks like an electric fan, with a blade about 2 feet across. It has a special cord and the refrigerator has a special plug.

When the wind blows, the fan, up on the roof, spins and the beer gets cold. What salesman would miss the moment?? 

“ Boss, these things sell themselves. But the customers want something that they can plug in that will keep the beer cold when the wind doesn’t blow. And while we’re at it, can we adapt a television set? “ 

Mr. Consumer brings home his TV and refrigerator in the fall and sets them up in his rec room. And puts the two fan things on his roof. How about an eco friendly pool filter? That takes a fan several feet across. And you still need a thingy so it can be plugged in. 

How about an eco friendly, wait for it, get out the echo machine, ready,

Air Conditioner!!!!

With it’s own six foot titanium fan and, of course, a thingy, so it can be plugged in. 

After a few years, there goes the neighborhood. Each house has several big fans.

And the sad truth? If you mushed up all the fans and all the thingys into one big fan and one big thingy, you could supply three times as many houses. 

What makes sense?? Solar water heaters do. Put them on the roof 

Neighborhood mini power plants do. Heat, hot water and air conditioning supplied locally.

Wind turbines and solar panels, co-generation and carbon sequestration, all make economical sense at the larger local scale. 

And that’s how that works.                      Professor Bob