Archive for the ‘idiots’ Category

Brian Williams Is A Misrememberer

Thursday, February 5th, 2015

No, this isn’t a post about Hillary Clinton misremembering that she was under sniper fire in Kosovo, and no, this isn’t a post about NBC misremembering editing a 911 call to make George Zimmerman look guilty, and this isn’t even a post about Elizabeth Warren misremembering that she’s an Indian. This is a post about Brian Williams misremembering that the helicopter he was on in Iraq 12 years ago was shot down by “enemy insurgents.”

And what better way to say I’m sorry than to misremember how to say “I Lied”?

“After a groundfire incident in the desert during the Iraq war invasion, I made a mistake in recalling the events of 12 years ago,” he said. “It did not take long to hear from some brave men and women in the air crews who were also in that desert. I want to apologize. I said I was traveling in an aircraft that was hit by [rocket-propelled grenade] fire. I was instead in a following aircraft. . . . This was a bungled attempt by me to thank one special veteran and, by extension, our brave military men and women, veterans everywhere, those who have served while I did not.”

Keep in mind that he had made the same mistake for 12 continuous years.

“I would not have chosen to make this mistake,” Williams told the newspaper. “I don’t know what screwed up in my mind that caused me to conflate one aircraft with another.”

What caused Williams to “conflate” was that he had lied for 12 straight years without getting caught and thought he could get away with it forever. Hell, he told the same misrememberating LAST WEEK.

In the hockey broadcast last week, Williams told viewers, “The story actually started with a terrible moment a dozen years back during the invasion of Iraq when the helicopter we were traveling in was forced down after being hit by an RPG.

Give him another 2 years and Williams would be telling the story how after his helicopter was shot down by “insurgents”, he went to the Presidential palace, found Saddam Hussein hiding in his linen closet, and proceeded to shove a Sharpie into his ball-sac.

The Mayor completely understands misremembering. Sometimes The Mayor forgets where he leaves his keys. Sometimes he forgets to throw the wet laundry into the dryer. One time The Mayor even forgot to turn off his lights on his massive SUV. Things happen. People forget. But misremembering that the helicopter you were on got shot down by “freedom fighters”, and then turn around and repeat that story for TWELVE YEARS? Ahhhhhhhh, no.

On the “importance scale of life” for The Mayor, Brian Williams ranks somewhere between Bruce Jenner’s sex change and a clutter of nasty weeds that grow in the backyard. Having said that, if Williams wants to *make right*, the first thing he needs to do is to actually say he is sorry. Forget all the misremembering talk, and all the bullshit-speak that weasel’s of his ilk are prone to saying. Just say sorry. And then move on. But somewhere between saying sorry and moving on, get some professional help, you crazy shit.

Clear As Mud

Friday, May 11th, 2012

The Mayor believes it is already too late. Not too late to save the environment, but too late to save the entire universe from idiot environmentalists who believe the world is doomed due to daylight savings time. Their numbers are legion, and they are growing like stink weed.

The End Is Nigh

Sunday, February 12th, 2012

Another question along that line has to be, why do they call it New England when it’s nearly 400 years old?

Sure, The Mayor stole that bit from Family Guy, but at least he stole it when Family Guy was fresh, funny and interesting and not the boring creature it has become.

Optical Illusion Message From Vancouver Traffic Safety

Saturday, September 4th, 2010

Starting next Tuesday, motorists travelling on 22nd Street in West Vancouver will be met with a 3D image of a little girl chasing a ball. It’s okay folks, it’s all about safety:

‘We need to expect the unexpected because anything could happen, whether it is a 3D image on the road … or whether it’s a live child or a dog running in front of the car, these are all things that we have to be able to control for in a vehicle,” Mr. Dunne said.

The foundation is partnering with Preventable, a safety advocacy group, and the District of West Vancouver to install Canada’s first ever 3D image aimed at driver safety.

The display, which costs $15,000 to run, will be installed in a school zone on 22nd Street, just north of Inglewood Avenue, and very close to École Pauline Johnson Elementary School. It will be in place for one week.

The 3D image will look like an indistinguishable mark from far away, but by the time the driver is within 30 metres, the image of the girl and ball will become clear.

Now picture this: Vancouver is the stoner capital of Canada. What do you think will happen when some buzzard, all hopped up on some stink weed, drives into the 3D image? He’s going to laugh and laugh and laugh. Then he’s going to take his stoner buddies out for a little ride to check out the 3D image girl. He’s going to trick his buddies by driving right at the little girl without stopping, all the while his buddies are freaking out. The only problem, the image will have been taken down and the little girl he hit was an actual human being who ran out into the street.

Stopping for kids running out into the street will now be under the “fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me” category in the motorists’ unofficial handbook.

Now, The Mayor isn’t a “traffic safety specialist”, but I do know that distracting drivers with obstacles that don’t actually exist might not be the smartest idea ever conceived. A swerving car is a danger. When someone slams on their brakes, that’s also a danger.

But the biggest danger of them all? The buffoons at the BCAA Traffic Safety Foundation.

Boundary Conditions

Thursday, March 25th, 2010

Let us look at a typical Canadian. His name is, well, we do not know his name, so let us just call him Jack. Jack has a property I wish to investigate. Jack is an anti-semite. Jack is a jew hater.


Canterbury Is Sufficiently Gay

Thursday, June 25th, 2009


After an investigation that cost thousands and thousands of dollars, it has been declared that the town of Canterbury in England is *sufficiently gay*

The two-month investigation began at the end of April after a letter was sent from two representatives of Pride in Canterbury.

Chairman Andrew Brettell lodged a formal complaint with the Local Government Ombudsman claiming his initial letter to the council in November fell on deaf ears.

Mr Brettell, in his 60s, said last month: “” We do not believe the council want a thriving LGBT (Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual and Transgender) community in our city. The impression I get is that the council just doesn’t want to know.

As part of the investigation, the council had to prove its inclusiveness by giving details of “touring plays and musicals, for example, which would be of interest to the LGBT community”.

And it had to show that it had “put forward suggestions for small events that it might help fund, as well as proposals for other events such as exhibitions”.

Rob Davies, spokesman for the council, said: “Obviously we’re delighted with the outcome of the investigation.

In the never-ending quest for equality, to be treated exactly the same as all other citizens of society, members of a homosexual group lodge a formal complaint to council, making them spend thousands and thousands of tax-payer dollars to prove to them that yes, the local government is catering exclusively to them and no-one else through the medium of musicals/plays/etc.

Imagine, some old gay guy gets a bug up his ass because he’s not happy that town council isn’t playing Bette Midler show-tunes through a loudspeaker, or whatever, and the gov’t willingly jumps through hoops to prove that they love homosexuals and would never entertain the thought of disrespecting them in any way.

It always amazes me that gay rights means having extra  rights. And that aint right. Right?

Katie Couric Hates Conservatives–Everyone Hates Katie Couric

Tuesday, June 9th, 2009


Katie Couric –seen here describing how many viewers CBS *News* still has– was speaking at Princeton’s “Class Day” yesterday, when she gave the graduating class some advice on tolerance:

She then advised the Princeton grads that they must guard against “nastiness.”

“Next, don’t be a hater,” said Couric. ”Princeton has taught you to think critically, to approach things with a healthy dose of skepticism … and that’s a good thing, as Martha Stewart would say. But you really must guard against the cynicism and nastiness that are so pervasive today.

Fantastic advise, if I do say so myself. And what better way to lead than by one’s own words:

As she started her address to the Class of 2009, Couric told the students, “Coming here was a real no brainer! After all, I can see New Jersey from my house!”

Like the many fakes and frauds before her, Couric had no problem emulating past CBS news anchors with an innacurate quote:

The anchor was referring to an interview Palin gave to ABC News during last year’s presidential campaign, in which Palin had said of Russia, “They’re our next door neighbors and you can actually see Russia from land here in Alaska, from an island in Alaska.”

Couric was just warming up, of course, more venom soon spewed towards other true Conservatives:

Couric also took a swipe at traditional-marriage-defending Miss California Carrie Prejean in the same passage that she praised Judge Sotomayor and Secretary of State Hillary Clinton.

Couric also took swipes at conservatives Rush Limbaugh, the talk radio host, and Donald Rumsfeld, the former secretary of defense.

And in other non-related Katie Couric news today, the evening news ratings came out, and guess what…

And with an average of 5.18M Total Viewers, the CBS Evening News with Katie Couric had its lowest viewership yet. In fact, it’s the lowest viewership since at least the 1991/92 season, as far back as Nielsen records track.

Oh look, Katie Couric can see the unemployment line from her bedroom window.

I suppose Katie can look at it this way: She hasn’t lost millions of viewers, she’s saved or created tens of thousands of viewers.

Somehow, and I’m not sure how, Couric has turned into a bigger embarrassment than Dan Rather.


Caruso and Me and Reinhard Heydrich

Friday, January 2nd, 2009

You know, in all of this crazy falderol about the stalking of David Caruso and the counter stalking of the alleged stalker, and dark intimations about who may or may not be the archfiend Heidimarie Schnitzer, Keyser has had occasion to read a number of blogs about this topic and to wade through a quite a few comments about this, both on here and elsewhere. It would seem that there are a large number of people out there who are obsessing about this. Keyser has Sara in particular in mind, but there are others, too.

And this in turn reminded Keyser of a scene from the movie Conspiracy about the Wannsee Conference of January 1942, in which questions relating to the impending German effort to exterminate the Jews were discussed in a meeting of concerned bureaucrats presided over by Reinhard Heydrich, the man in the SS responsible for this policy.

Heydrich meets with various objections from a bureaucrat named Kritzinger, who at one point tells him a story. In this scene after the conclusion of the meeting, Heydrich recounts the story to Adolf Eichman (who would carry on with the project after Heydrich’s assassination at the hands of Czech agents later in the year):

Really, people. Let’s stop obsessing about this!

[This war criminal was found in hiding over at Keyser's Lair and has been dragged off for condign punishment.]

George Bush Can’t Understand a Simple Book

Thursday, December 18th, 2008

Keyser was gratified to learn recently that the Command-in-Chief of the Free World not only reads a lot, but he reads not just mysteries but histories, and not only does he read them, but takes away lots of lessons from them. One would have thought that he wouldn’t have a lot of spare time on his hands as he destroys the free market in the process of “saving” it (perhaps he misremembered that “they make a desert and calling it peace” thing from his extensive readings). On the other hand, presumably a lot of this work can be done through delegation (“Sky’s the limit, Paul!” “Henry, sir.” “Henry.”) and so the Socialist-in-Chief can indulge his penchant for book learnin’. Unfortunately, it would appear that the histories are in fact mysteries to the Comforter-in-Chief: (more…)

The New Canada

Wednesday, December 3rd, 2008

What’s new in Canadian politics, you ask? Not much, pretty much the same ole same ole. I mean, other than the liberals, socialists and separatists have formed a coalition to overthrow the elected government of Canada.

Yes, you foreigners read that correctly–The three main opposition parties in Canada have united to form le Coup De Crap®. What am I talking about? Let me explain.


Asshole of the Day: George Will

Thursday, October 30th, 2008

George Will the Third, that pretentious twit with the twee little bow ties, is among the crowd of Palin haters. This quasi-Republican is spending the last days of the campaign slagging the Republican ticket, with that smug “I’m smarter than you but I’ll talk in comparatively small syllables so cretins like you can see how much smarter I am than you” tone of his: (more…)

Keyser: On the Right Side As Usual

Saturday, October 25th, 2008

You know, Keyser has always been vaguely embarrassed that he once voted for a Democrat. This was back in 1990, when the two candidates for governor of Massachusetts were the ostensibly Republican William Weld and the Democrat John Silber, who was president of Boston University. Weld gave off a sort of Thurston Howell III vibe that put Keyser off (as it turns out, he’s married to the great granddaughter of Theodore Roosevelt, ooh). Basically, he thought Weld was one of those snooty upper-crust North Eastern Republicans who are basically Democrats but think that coming out and actually being a Democrat is some form of slumming. Silber, on the other hand, seemed to be made of sterner stuff, and got Keyser’s vote. As usual, the electors of the Commonwealth proved to be wronged headed (who in his right mind would vote for George McGovern?), and Weld became governor.

Well, now we see that Weld, along with a whole gamut of high-brow supposed Republicans, has come out in favor of Obama. Keyser has been too distracted by death threats from Tony’s Troopers to comment on this, but since the threats seem to be dying down, this would appear to be a good moment to animadvert to this phenomenon. Here is Weld’s reasoning: