Archive for the ‘In Shape Week’ Category

Stretchy People Week

Tuesday, August 31st, 2010

The Mayor use to know Oxyana when she had an actual head. Now that she has a leg-head, well, truth be told, she’s a way better person.

I have to be straight with you, I dated Oxyana for about three months, when she had a head, of course. And the whole time I dated her she was always like, “oh look at me, I have a head, I’m so much better than those leg-headed people”.

But karma is an amazing thing (although not real). A few weeks after Oxyana and I broke up, she had a horrible shaving accident and lost her head, only to have it replaced by a leg. Humbling? It sure as heck is. Pardon the language.

But Oxyana is a better person now, she has come down to earth and finally sees what life is like for the leg-headed.

Ya, she can’t do that *special* thing she use to do when she had an actual head (wink wink, nudge nudge), but man can she ever run quickly and fetch beers now.

Stretchy People Week

Monday, August 30th, 2010

The thing about dating a stretchy person, like the woman in the picture for example, is that when it comes time to break up, you CAN’T get rid of them. Seriously, try throwing a woman like that from a moving car. Even when she bounces off a curb and then over a fence and down into a gully, she just jumps back up as good as new. Believe The Mayor when he tells you: stretchy people are evil. They are the 2010 version of the mime.

Ya, a shiver just went up your spine, didn’t it?

Ripped

Monday, June 21st, 2010

The Mayor is particularly impressed by the way this bodybuilder is trying to hide Pizza Pockets under her bikini. I’m tellin’ ya, she sure looks good for an 80 year old.

In Shape Week

Friday, May 14th, 2010

Does anyone else have a hankerin’ for a stick of Doublemint gum?

One thing that has always scared The Mayor when I went to the beach were crabs. They terrify me. So naturally, when I first saw this picture, the hair on my arms stood to attention. And it’s not because these girls are in the crab position. And I’m certainly not suggesting these girls have crabs. I’m not suggesting that at all. What I’m suggesting is the reason Dmorris hasn’t been around Mitchieville as of late is because he’s taking care of a personal medical problem. He got crabs. From these girls.

Actually, when I put it like that, I suppose I am suggesting these girls have crabs. Because they gave them to Dmorris. Now he has crabs. From these girls.

Ewwwww.

And so ends In Shape Week. Thankfully.

In Shape Week

Thursday, May 13th, 2010

The next time you get a telemarketing call and you’re ready to blow a gasket because they interrupted you whilst in the middle of shoveling back a mound of Hamburger Helper into your face hole, remember this picture. Of course, you’ll have to get a visual of this chick with an East Indian accent, but what the heck, you’re eating a mound of Hamburger Helper, how great can your life be anyway?

I find I can really put things into the proper perspective.

In Shape Week

Wednesday, May 12th, 2010

Say, you wouldn’t happen to have any Grey Poupon, would you? It’s not for me, it’s for my roommate. You see, he loves Grey Poupon, and is in the midst of preparing what will no doubt be a delicious ham sandwich. You don’t have any? Can you double check, because my friend really could use some. Yes, I see that you don’t have any pockets. But perhaps you have them on your person. Pardon? That is NOT ludicrous. The way you are contorted and smiling is ludicrous. No, YOU shut up.

Say, you wouldn’t happen to have a warm cuppa water, wouldja?

In Shape Week

Tuesday, May 11th, 2010

This is the #1 reason why Jessica sells twice as many Dodge Caravan’s as her nearest competitor. Do you know how many Rams she sells? All of them.

That was a deep joke, you may want to ponder it for a spell.

In Shape Week

Monday, May 10th, 2010

Yes, I know, I know, The Mayor has already had an In Shape Week before. Last year, in fact. And if you remember correctly, it was one of the most successful segments ever to grace these fine pages. And what makes a segment successful, you ask? Why aren’t you the little question asker tonight. I’ll tell you, even though your questioning is starting to get under my finely bronzed skin: a successful segment is one where The Mayor gets plenty of comments, complimenting him on his fine choice(s) of picture(s).

Hey!!! There’s a chick doing the splits in a filthy dump truck.

Let the comments begin…

In Shape Week–Saturday Edition

Saturday, November 29th, 2008

I’m pretty sure the only rule the Contortionist Union® has for its members is that they make it mandatory for them to wear ridiculous multi-coloured tights. It’s bad enough that the only job a contortionist will ever get begins with Barnum and ends with Baily, but to make them wear tights like these, well that’s just adding to a contortionists pain. I should know, for I was once a contortionist, and that pain still haunts my memory to this day.

In Shape Week–Thursday Edition

Thursday, November 27th, 2008

I’ve been staring at this picture for a good ten minutes now, and I’m still not sure what the hell is going on. I do know that this is typically the position that medics find someone after they’ve been hit by a transport truck. Poor girl, she had so much to live for. BTW, don’t stare at her knuckly foot, it’ll make you lose your turkey dinner.

In Shape Week–Wednesday’s Edition

Wednesday, November 26th, 2008

If I had to guess, I’d say this guy plays for the Greek national soccer team.

In Shape Week–Tuesday Edition

Tuesday, November 25th, 2008

Doublemint gum should have taken this direction when they were trying to sell that whole, *Doublemint Twins* campaign. I’m telling you right now, if they did, Hubba Bubba wouldn’t be kicking their ass right now in global gum sales.

Now I’m in the mood for some Doublemint gum. And maybe a taco…or two.