Spotted at Belmont Club.

I don’t know too much about this Climate Change thing that so many people have gotten into over the past decade or so. I know some folks say it is a religion of peace. Me, I’ve never had much of a religious/apocalyptic bent, so it’s just never interested me enough to look into it any deeper than I have, say, Scientology or palmistry.

But, whatever the truth or falsity of their promises of salvation: I do know that I would far, far rather the earth spirits’ wrath burn the planet to a crisp than see these people and their thoroughly fascist aesthetic succeed. Better to be slightly warmer on one’s feet than be pressed into a chanting, letter-shaped mob of anonymous, faceless Action-Takers on one’s knees.

In an age where no child is allowed to fail, Grand Banks school board in Michigan is taking away failing marks such as F’s and replacing them with H’s. If a child gets an H, he/she will be allowed to take the part of the course they failed over again so they can improve their failing/not-so-much-failing grade:

Principals discussed the plans with teachers before Thanksgiving, administrators said. The district will offer Saturday school, after school or online opportunities to retake the failed course.

Superintendent Bernard Taylor said he district didn’t want to give students a “life failure,” because of a failed class at age 14, 15 or 16 — an age at which he says most people don’t have their lives together.

It’s true, children really don’t have their shit together at those ages, to let them drink from the cup of failure at such an early age is barbaric. Since society is now based on everyone receiving the same ribbon whether one loses or wins (accept there is no losing or winning), it is possible for one to go through life never having experienced any failure whatsoever. We are all winners. We are the world.

Let’s just remove the word failure entirely from our lexicon. From now on when a child doesn’t get over 50%, we will just say they are temporarily non-passable. To make it impossible for others to identify temporary non-passables (TNP’s), each school school should administer a different grading system when it comes to marking. For instance, school A might have the order of marks going from A as the best mark to H as the worst mark. School B would then make the best mark an H and the worst mark an A. School C would make M the best mark and Q the worst mark. With 26 letters of the alphabet, the combinations or poor marks and good marks are virtually endless. It’s a little razzamadazzle combined with a little switcharoonie.

So, when little Keeshawn is asked how he did in English, he would say proudly that he recieved an A. Mind you, an A could be 7%. Yale and Harvard don’t know this, nor should they.

No child will be left behind, every child will be equally smart, and all schools will receive the same funding because the whole universe will be as one.

My son is a straight H student