It is a well known fact that Jennifer Aniston has been dumped over and over and over and over and over and over and over again because she is waaaaaay too clingy, obsessive and annoying. So when she met new love Justin Theroux, she thought the best way to keep him around is to be clingy, obsessive and annoying. She’s the walking definition of insanity, in other words:

“Jen is totally into him,” a source tells Us Weekly. “They have been hanging out for months.”

The two started off as pals and costars on the set of Wanderlust. But lately Theroux, 39, and Aniston, 42, are inseparable.”She wants to be with him all the time,” the source adds. “She’s diving in headfirst.” Aniston hasn’t dated anyone seriously since John Mayer in 2009.

They sound like a lovely couple, The Mayor would like to extend his best wishes to this lovely couple, hoping they enjoy a lifetime of happiness together.

Jennifer Aniston reminds The Mayor of a leech. A leech will attach itself to its host and keep chewing, sucking and gnawing until the host goes insane or falls down dead. Leeches also carry parasites. It is possible to get rid of the leech, but it usually involves pain. It’s best to burn off a leech, maybe with a  flame, or a lit cigarette. One way or another, you can only live with the torment of a leech for a short amount of time before you will do anything to exterminate the diseased creature.

And that’s the same with this Jennifer Aniston unit.

Wait, maybe The Mayor was thinking of a maggot. Hmmmm…she certainly could be a maggot. Maggots are usually diseased and need to be burned off its host, right?

Either way, Jennifer Aniston reminds The Mayor of a leech or a maggot.

Come to think of it, she could also be a grub.

Jennifer Aniston posed for this month’s Allure magazine, and The Mayor is shocked when he says that he’s not entirely disgusted by her. As a matter of fact, she looks pretty darn good. And I think I’ve figured out why I feel that way – she looks nothing like Jennifer Aniston.

The pj’s are cute, the open shirt works, and the bangs are a nice touch. As for the teddy bear, sure, things are going great between him and Jennifer right now, but word on the street is he’s about to dump her for one of those Paddington sluts.

My, Jennifer Aniston hasn’t changed much since the days of her high school prom. She still has that same warm, inviting smile, that attention to fashion detail, and of course, that Jay Leno-ish jaw. And it looks like the pick-of-the-litter asked Jennifer to the prom that year – Teddy Rumpswinkle. Ole Teddy was the darling of the class of 1983. Sure, he wasn’t the smartest kid in class, and it’s obvious he wasn’t the best looking either, but he more than made up for his shortcomings by dating the easiest girl west of Chattanooga.

Teddy only had three or four good teeth, the rest fell out due to neglect, but that didn’t stop Jennifer from saddling up to Teddy’s meat wagon. Ya, he had one leg shorter than the other and he always had “things” hanging out of his nose, but funny enough, that was a fetish of Jennifer’s. His fingernails were long and green, he smelled like burnt popcorn, and he couldn’t grown facial hair, but other than the gross fingernails, it was like Jennifer and Teddy were separated at birth.

Teddy and Jennifer broke up the night of the prom, it was quite a scene. It was all due to what these two kids later referred to as a “breakdown in communication. “Apparently, Teddy didn’t like the way Jennifer pecked at her fruit salad like she was some sort of demented ADHD seagull on a cob of corn; while Jennifer showed her jealous streak when she caught Teddy giving mouth-to-mouth resuscitation to Prom Queen Julie Nooget’s “love package” in the girls locker room.

Suffice to say Teddy and Jennifer broke up and went their separate ways. Teddy never got his diploma, dropped out of school after being diagnosed as functionally retarded, and a few years later went on to become one of the leaders of the Democrat Party of Southern Michigan. As for Jennifer, well, she ended up servicing a goodly portion of the school’s sports teams and was nicknamed “hump Muppet” by the starting rotation of her school’s baseball team. She was voted “Most likely to die of complications due to gonorrhea”, and then went on to *star* in terribly boring movies that only women with very short hair can watch.

I want to ask you a question and I want you to be perfectly honest with The Mayor: Before you started reading what’s on this page, and all the while while you were reading my words, how many times did you look at that picture? 3 times? 5 times? 50 times? It was 50 times, wasn’t it? That’s what I thought.

No, it doesn’t make you gay, I am not suggesting that at all. However, it certainly doesn’t make you straight. It puts you squarely in the ”curious” category. Meaning, you’re probably the type of person that watches NASCAR while sipping on a pina colada. And instead of eating beer nuts, you prefer French kissing guys. Actually, ya, that is pretty gay when framed like that.

After getting dumped by Bradley Cooper, Jennifer Aniston has let it be known that she feels rejected:

Jennifer Aniston feels rejected and upset after Bradley Cooper ditched her for Renee Zellweger, reports the new issue of Us Weekly, on stands now.

“She wanted to turn her date with Cooper into something…she honestly feels screwed over,” a pal tells Usof Aniston.

Aniston “doesn’t see what Renee has that she doesn’t,” continues the pal.

And this is why I don’t date Aniston any more — she is soooo damn needy. She was always like, I love you, I miss you, I need you, I’m losing circulation can you please loosen the handcuffs? Enough already, it’s always me me me.

In a way though, I suppose she has a right to be upset with me – I kind of broke up with her in an unconventional way – I sent her a note via carrier pigeon.

Hey, don’t judge me, I’m had TONS of happy faces all over the envelope. If you can’t appreciate the romantic element in our break-up, then I’m afraid we have nothing more to talk about. Good day to you sir/madam.

In a quick interview with OK Magazine, Jennifer Aniston gives us the latest lowdown on the going-ons between her and Brad Pitt:

“I am totally over Brad,” Jen, 40, told OK!.

Earlier this week, I had a friend who I haven’t seen for a while ask me how my ex-wife was. I looked at him sideways, and in the steeliest voice I could muster, answered him honestly, “How the fuck would I know how she is?” Buddy sheepishly backed away, looking like a dog that just got caught pissing on yer carpet, knowing that he might have possibly said the dumbest thing he has said in over 6 months.

And do you know the reason why I don’t know how my ex-wife is doing? Because I don’t care how my ex-wife is doing. She is of no relevance in my life, her existence has no meaning to me whatsoever. I wish her no harm, I wish her nothing.

And that is why I know that Jennifer Aniston is not over Brad Pitt. Aniston has had four years to confront the reporters and say she will not take any more questions about Brad Pitt or Angelina Jolie, yet she insists on fanning the flames by openly answering childish questions with teenage girl answers.

“I am like totally over Brad, like totally, over him. For sure. Totally.”

Bitch, you’re 40 freaking year old, start talking and acting your age.

Totally.

In an interview with US magazine  today, Jennifer Aniston discusses, what else, her old relationship with Brad Pitt:

“I don’t owe anybody anything. I don’t owe anybody my side of the story. There are no sides!” she adds. “There is no bad guy and there is no good guy. There are no villains and there is no heroine in this story. It’s just not the case.”

“No matter what I say, things will always be taken out of context and misinterpreted, will always be turned around to make it seem as though I won’t let something go, or that I just keep talking about it over and over,” she says.

Maybe it seems that Jennifer Aniston is going on and on and on about her failed relationship with Brad Pitt because she’s always going on and on and on about how she’s not going on and on and on about her failed relationship with Brad Pitt. Perhaps if she didn’t go on and on and on about it, people would stop saying that she goes on and on and on about her failed relationship with Brad Pitt.

I’m fully convinced the reason Jennifer Aniston goes on and on and on about Brad Pitt is because he has a penis that’s made on rich, dairy chocolate. That’s the only reason I can figure why she doesn’t shut that goofy looking pie-hole  of hers for more than 30 seconds without telling the world some sort of information nugget about him. And let’s face it, women love chocolate. And even though Aniston is a sociopathic stalker with murderous tendencies, it doesn’t mean she doesn’t love rich, dairy chocolate.

In an interview for the print edition of Marie Claire, when the topic of romance, boys, and various other silly shit came up, Jennifer Aniston had this to say:

Jennifer Aniston: I still have the cassette tapes of messages from my first boyfriend, my second boyfriend, my husband… it’s like saving love letters.

The first thing to remember is that Jennifer Aniston isn’t married, although from the article, she still thinks she is. One of the reasons she isn’t married is that she saves phone messages from old boyfriends. You see, Aniston is close to 60 years old now, and saving phone messages, locks of hair, and fingernail clippings is something 14 year old girls do. Women that have more mileage on them than my grandpa’s Ford Victoria Tudor Sedan toss away nonsense like that and tend to like living in the present.

I know there is a difference of opinion between men and women when it comes to saving love letters, notes, and other such mementos. Some women keep those types of keepsakes so they can look back on them occasionally and reminisce about good times gone by. Men throw away that shit because we see it all as evidence to be used against us at a later date.

Although there are still some women that have kept their first love letter from little Tommy Johnson, there is not a man alive that has kept his first love letter from little Suzie Smith. The reason is simple: when a man finds a love letter dated 1972 from little Tommy Johnson, he looks at it and laugh, thinking there is no harm no foul. When a woman finds a love letter dated from 1972 from little Suzie Smith, she will most likely track down little Suzie, call her a slut and destroy her family life, and not have sex with her man again until he buys her diamonds or takes her on an Alaskan cruise.

I suppose my point is that Jennifer Aniston may think it cute to save messages and other various sundries of days gone by, but on the other end of the message there is a woman somewhere who thinks she is a dirty slut, just like little Suzie Smith.

This weeks print edition of the Star (courtesy of Taylor Durden) says, when it comes to having a tidy kitty, Jennifer Aniston is a perfectionist:

“She’s neurotic about bikini waxes,” reveals Dawn Daluise of Dawn DaLuise Skin Refinery in LA, who used to visit the “Friends” set every other week to work on the actress. “She’d even call when there was no hair to wax, and she’d insist on having it done – literally making me wax off peach fuzz. She’s phobic about extraneous, stray hairs – especially around her bikini line. She’ll even tweeze them.”

It reminds me of the saying about putting lipstick on a pig. However, instead of actually applying lipstick to said pig, in this case you would be removing lipstick from said pig. So, in reality, the saying doesn’t really have anything to do with Jennifer Aniston and her shaved pie. But the thought of a pig wearing lipstick always makes me laugh, and when it comes down to it, when I’m happy, everybody is happy.

Use My Computer supplied the pic

And an angel loses their wings:

It’s not common knowledge, but we’re not together anymore, Vaughn told the insider September 13, adding that they solidified the breakup in a long phone conversation. We’ve split up.

Confirms an Aniston pal: They’re 100 percent done.

Apparently it took Vince 3 minutes to break up with Jen, but it took him seven days to break up with her chin. That might not seem funny to you, but in my mind it makes perfect sense.

The only thing that surprises me is that Vince didn’t try to run months ago. I can’t say that I didn’t see this coming, it was as obvious to me as the plank attached to Jennifer Aniston’s face. Look at the chin on that cyborg, it’s massive. It’s like a diving board. It must be impossible to go out with a woman who has a 2×4 for a chin, that must embarrassing for Vince. Jennifer Aniston is frightening looking, she could scare an apple off a tree. Why would Vince want to be tied down to a woman who has a face like a discarded pizza box when he could have a whole host of beautiful Hollyweird women that don’t look like they were made in a dirty Chinese factory?

Jennifer Aniston had it coming, the single life is her fate. Eventually everyone leaves Jennifer Aniston. I heard the SPCA won’t give her any more dogs because they keep running away. I also heard when they eventually find the dogs they’re usually hanging from a tree with a rope around their neck that says, *never again*.

Jennifer will find love again, and like always, it will be fleeting. Jennifer has become no more than a temporary holding station for men’s penis’. Jennifer has quickly humped her way down the food chain, going from great to good to no doubt, piss poor, when she starts dating Rob Schneider next month. Anyway, see ya on the lesbian talk show circuit tomorrow, Jennifer.

Friends always

Use My Computer graciously supplied the pic

At least so says everyone who has a neck:

Misleadingly marketed as a boisterous comedy, “The Break-Up” may be the first “last-date movie” — the one you see with someone that you’re about to dump. Sporadic rays of sunshine emanate from the broad and gifted supporting cast, but the core story is almost relentlessly unpleasant, like sitting through a dinner party where the host couple does nothing but bicker. Pic’s built-in curiosity about the onscreen Vince Vaughn-Jennifer Aniston pairing should quickly dissipate faster than one of Vaughn’s rat-a-tat riffs as word of mouth spreads.

It seems as if, on the scale of bad reviews, “The Break Up” is getting slightly better reviews than “Vern Has Sex With a Young Male Chinese Hooker”, but only slightly better.

However, I can’t blame Vern for those lousy reviews, he wasn’t even in the movie, he was being played by a robot Vern. A pirate robot Vern. A Fwench robot pirate Vern.

Jennifer Aniston knows how to pick ‘em

Jennifer Aniston’s lawyers are warning that publications that print recent pictures taken of Jennifer with her top off while sunbathing, will face a lawsuit.

I wish I could post them on these pages, but this is a family-oriented business around here. We just don’t do nudies of that variety.

However, if you want to see these pics, just go here(she’s a solid 6/10 in the rack department)(8 if I’m loaded).