Archive for the ‘Jennifer Lopez’ Category

Jennifer Lopez Is Rather Large Bummed

Friday, August 14th, 2009

jennifer-lopez

“Is it just me, or does this ocean make my ass look fat?”

I know this girl who use to say she had an ass like Jennifer Lopez. Only thing is, she thought she was complimenting herself. She was all of 85 lbs, and had no shape whatsoever, but she was French, so she had a swelled head at the best of times. She also had a mouth like a mako shark with teeth jutting this way and that, which was great when I needed her to open a can of creamed corn, but not so great in social settings. I once gave her an offer — I would lend her the money to get radical reconstructive surgery on her teeth and yap, or to save a few dollars she could go with option B: I’ll slap pucks at her face until she’s cured.

I never really wonder what happened to that little French girl with the sideshow freak mouth, but every so often when I have a stubborn can of creamed corn that just won’t open, I think to myself how handy it would be if that fat assed French bitch was there with me.

J Lo–There’s The Beef

Monday, September 22nd, 2008


Performing in Athens over the weekend, J Lo had a revealing *wardrobe malfunction*:

Wearing a fringed white dress and thigh length boots, the 39-year-old singer had the wardrobe mishap when a side view revealed she was not wearing a bra.

No bra? Dirty slut.

To be fair, it’s not the no bra part that disturbs me about that picture. What disturbs me is that it looks like J Lo has a side of beef folded up behind her left tit. It also disturbs me that J Lo’s ass is so big that it now has its own postal code. It especially disturbs me that she can totally get away with wearing a bathmat and no one is calling her out on it.

And let’s not even talk about those man-hands

Animal Rights Freak Threatens J Lo

Thursday, May 10th, 2007

Jennifer Lopez and husband (some guy) have added more personal security in lieu of death threats by animal rights activists:

An animal-rights extremist has been sending letters threatening ‘to kill her in public, just like the slaughtered animals whose fur she wears.”

A rep for J Lo says that she hasn’t beefed up security, she’s had the same detail for time immemorial.

Meanwhile, a rep for the peaceful PETA organization had this to say about the whole incident:

“All violence is wrong. But J.Lo needs to stop the real violence she promotes and subsidizes rather than give herself extra protection she doesn’t need.”

What the? Who the? Whu? Ababitatu? Whuba? Whubit? It sure sounds like this person is saying that if J Lo only stopped wearing fur (the violence she promotes), then she wouldn’t need extra security. That sure sounds like a threat to me. And believe me, I’m the master at threats and intimidations, so I know a threat when I hear and or see one.

I’m not a bug fan of J Lo by any means, but I actually feel just a little sorry for her (and her enormous ass) tonight.

As for PETA, I’m going to shoot a dog through the heart with an arrow tonight and eat pooch all weekend. Ya, that’s right, and it’s going to be a really cute dog, like a golden retriever or a husky.

How can animals have rights?

Jennifer Lopez’ Movie Gets Booed Down

Wednesday, February 21st, 2007

Jennifer Lopez’ new movie, “Bordertown”, was booed at the 57th Annual Berlin Film Festival last weekend, causing Jennifer to break down in tears:

According to reports, most of the audience voiced their disappointment by booing and jeering while others gave the movie a round of muted applause.

A source claims J.Lo fled the cinema in tears after hearing the cacophony of boos and is now said to be worried the movie will be panned by critics.

Wow, you would think that with such films like Gigli and Jersey Girl under her belt that Jennifer Lopez would be use to boos and jeers by now.

At least the western world is finally catching on to something that I have been saying for years: The broad can’t sing, the broad can’t act, the broad thinks her shit don’t stink. Well, I tell you what, fat ass, your shit does stink, and it stinks like no other stinky shit that has been shitted by asses far less massive and less shittier than your fat stinky assed shit ass.

And you’re ugly.

Jennifer Lopez’ Movie Gets Booed Down

Wednesday, February 21st, 2007

Jennifer Lopez’ new movie, “Bordertown”, was booed at the 57th Annual Berlin Film Festival last weekend, causing Jennifer to break down in tears:

According to reports, most of the audience voiced their disappointment by booing and jeering while others gave the movie a round of muted applause.

A source claims J.Lo fled the cinema in tears after hearing the cacophony of boos and is now said to be worried the movie will be panned by critics.

Wow, you would think that with such films like Gigli and Jersey Girl under her belt that Jennifer Lopez would be use to boos and jeers by now.

At least the western world is finally catching on to something that I have been saying for years: The broad can’t sing, the broad can’t act, the broad thinks her shit don’t stink. Well, I tell you what, fat ass, your shit does stink, and it stinks like no other stinky shit that has been shitted by asses far less massive and less shittier than your fat stinky assed shit ass.

And you’re ugly.

J.lo, Jen, Jennifer, Jennifer lo, please make it stop

Thursday, January 6th, 2005

Read this incredibly boring article if you’re interested why J.Lo wants to change her name to Jennifer.Or you can let me give you the rundown and save yourself the agony.

J.Lo now wants to be called Jennifer because she thinks the whole J.Lo thing got a bit crazy, a bit out of hand. How deep.

“I’m not J.Lo, she’s not a real person,” Lopez was quoted as saying, according to World Entertainment News Network. “She was just a bit of fun that got really crazy. I’ve never been anyone but Jennifer.”

Mind you, J.Lo’s money is real, and she’ll probably be keeping it.

Why someone would want to go by the name of Jennifer is beyond me. Why someone would want to be called the same name as every single mother with 4 kids who lives in Oshawa is pretty freakin’ weird.

In other news, Bed Affleck will no longer go by the name Ben, but rather by the more suitable title,” the man with incredibly limited acting abilities”.

Me, on the other hand,will no longer go by the title of “Grand ruler of the Universe, master of time, space and dimension”, but instead will be referred to simply as Mookie.