Noticeably absent from the list is bacon, ample time to scratch scrotum upon waking up, and ample time to scratch scrotum when awake.

What’s “the rock?”

Please tell me this is a joke. Buehler? Buehler?

Thanks to Blame it on the Voices

It wouldn’t be Jessica Simpson week without a picture of her in a pair of Daisy Dukes. So here ya go. And now Jessica Simpson week is over and you can go on about your business. Oh, this is your business? Man, go for a walk and get some air or something.

I like this picture of Jessica because she has that pouty look I like so much. I also like the stupid, slack-jaw look and the desheviled, homeless look. I suppose you can say I’m a man of exquisite tastes. I’m also very worldly.

Right before Jessica Simpson comes onto the set for any photo shoot, it’s obvious that the photographer turns the air conditioning down to about 27 degrees. And bless their cotton socks that they do.

So, how’s your week going so far, Dmorris?

Use My Computer for the pic

Due to unforeseen circumstances, this is the only post of the night. And I know what you’re thinking, if this is what you end up getting because of unforeseen circumstances, keep those unforeseen circumstances coming.

BTW, the reason the picture is so big is because Dmorris has bad eyesight. I think you catch my drift.

Welcome to Jessica Simpson Week, or as I was going to call it, “The Reason Dmorris Furiously Masturbates Week.” Although that does sound a little wordy, so I’m kind of glad I went with my first instinct.

Coming to the defense of Jessica Simpson and the detractors that say she is getting fat, kim Kardashian had this to say:

“Call me crazy, but when I saw the picture of Simpson performing Jan. 25 in Pembroke Pines, Fla.], I was like, ‘Oh my God, Jessica looks hot!’ ”

“I actually love the outfit. I think she looks amazing. I love high-waisted jeans, I loved that belt, and her hair looked fabulous.”

“I get that she does look curvier, but to me, there’s nothing wrong it.”

So far, the only people that have defended Jessica Simpson’s weight gain is her physically altered sister and a broad that has an ass that’s so big it has its own postal code. Add to the fact that Kim Kardashian is a diseased, useless waste of skin, and all of a sudden the witnesses for the defense don’t look so credible any more.

Kardashian doesn’t think Simpson looks great, she’s lying. It’s like when you’re at a bar and there’s always some good looking girl who is hanging out with an ugly chick. The good looking girl purposely hangs around the dreg because she knows all the attention will be drawn to her and not to the lizard who is slurping back bacon-filled pina coladas beside her.

Well I’ll tell you this, Kardashian–it is you  that is a bacon-filled pina colada sucking lizard, not Jessica Simpson. Sure, Simpson is on the fast track to wearing tablecloths as skirts, but she’ll never, ever, ever, be in the same minor league that you are. Stop talking about Simpson, her name should never be uttered from your crack and herpe stained lips, you disease rodeo.

Darren, Dmorris, Chris and OMMAG may disagree…

Ashley Simpson, Jessica’s not-as-good-looking-although-less-fat sister, responded to the various comments from a few days ago regarding Jessica’s weight gain:

I am completely disgusted by the headlines concerning my sister’s weight. A week after the inauguration and with such a feeling of hope in the air for our country, I find it completely embarrassing and belittling to all women to read about a woman’s weight or figure as a headline on Fox News.

All women come in different shapes, sizes, and forms and just because you’re a celebrity, there shouldn’t be a different standard.

Is this something you would say to your wife, daughter, mother, grandmother, or even a friend?

I seriously doubt it.

How can we expect teenage girls to love and respect themselves in an environment where we criticize a size 2 figure?

Now can we focus on the things that really matter.

-Ash

Jessica is a size 2? Sure. Maybe Ashley was talking about her sisters IQ.

When it comes to size, men and women both tend to lie. Women like to believe they are a size two when in fact they are a size 12. Men like to brag about having a 10″ penis, when we all know that it’s impossible for all of us guys to be sporting wood so large. So you guys that are saying that, you should shut yer pie holes because it’s embarrassing for guys like me who have to actually carry around something that’s equivalent to a baby’s arm down my pants.

And if Ashley is so concerned about girls respecting themselves for who they are and all that shit, then you would think she might have thought twice before getting rhinoplasty to repair that warped and jagged proboscis she was sporting around. If she actually believed in what she’s saying, she would have kept that Jimmy Durante nose she had and learned to live with the vicious taunts and insults that better looking kids her age would have given her.

Besides, I truly believe it’s our duty to tell the people we love when they are getting obese. Should we just be enablers and nod our heads approvingly as we watch our wives, sisters, and/or lovers go back to the buffet table to stock up on another plate of bacon, chicken wings and chocolate covered double chocolate chocolate? Hell no, we need to call them out. Jessica Simpson wouldn’t be the blubbery mess she is now if just one singular person had stood up and said: “Jessica, for the love of God, put that fucking slab of cheesecake down.”

I think we can all agree that the most disappointing thing about this picture, and there are many, is the fatness that has become Jessica Simpson. Sure, her animal print belt is disappointing, but not as disappointing as the fat gut that is being kept down by it. Yes, her jeans are disappointing, but not as disappointing as the blubber parade that would fall out of them if her button broke. Her tank top is disappointing, but not as disappointing as the Michelin that is under it.

It’s not to say you wouldn’t still have sex with Jessica Simpson. Hell knows, considering the shape she’s in, your fantasy is now closer than ever. But let’s face it, you’d pretty much have sex with just about anything. Like, let’s take this jelly donut that’s sitting here on a plate next to me, for instance. You would totally have sex with this donut, wouldn’t you? Sure you would, it’s warm, it’s jelly, and it’s delicious. That’s right, you’re eyeing up this donut and getting weird thoughts in your head even as you read what I’m typing. It’s okay, man, let it go, become the donut. You should be proud of yourself, it’s not often people have morals as crumbled and dilapidated as you. You sir, are a donut humping pervert.

Jessica Simpson is disappointing, and my readership really loves donuts.

In order to “prevent the outbreak of mysterious diseases in the village”, two seven year old Tamil girls were married off to frogs in what was referred to as *elaborate ceremonies*:

Amidst chanting of vedic hymns, the temple priests garlanded the brides and tied the magalsutras on behalf of the frogs pronouncing the two as wives of the amphibians before the sacred fire at the auspicious hour.

The villagers threw themselves into the ceremonies with gusto. While residents living in the western part of the village acted as relatives of the brides and those from the eastern part play-acted as relatives of the grooms. The ceremonies had all the usual elements of a traditional marriage including a sumptuous feast.

However, unlike the fairy tale `Frog Prince’, where the ugly toad turns into a handsome prince when the princess kisses it, the Villupuram village belles bid their amphibian grooms goodbye and lead a normal life thereafter. As for the terrified frogs, they are thrown back into the temple ponds after the ceremony.

An elderly woman of the village said the ritual was practised traditionally for several generations to ward off evil spirits and diseases from the village.

In my village, we ward off diseases using a strange invention the white man brought to us over 80 years ago: Medicine. Sometime’s the medicine is in pill form, sometimes it has to be administered with a needle. Other times it’s through the advice of a professional medical administrator, otherwise known as *doctors*. They say to me, “Mumbaka, you must rest now and for 7 days, you must drink plenty of fluids such as apple and orange juice, you should try to eat soups such as chicken noodle. Remember, Mumbaka, to take your pills, this will ward off or at least taper the runny nose, the stuffy head, and the sore throat–or as we call it in my village, ‘the suffering from sucking on the devils dick’”.

If that doesn’t work, we get a couple of pre-pubecent girls and marry them off to frogs. The girls hate that, of course, and who wouldn’t, it seems everyone hates the Fwench.

TY Dmorris for sending me this article, I toad him i liked it. Get it? Toad = told. Forget it, my humor is way past you.

PETA had some harsh words for Jessica Simpson after the blond bombshell wore a t-shirt that said…well, you have eyes, look at the picture:

“Jessica Simpson’s meaty wardrobe malfunction makes us thankful that no one is looking to her for food advice. Chicken of the sea anyone? The woman who thought that Buffalo ‘Wings’ came from buffalos would benefit from some good veggie brain food.”

And the debate continues. On the one hand you have a Peta–a bunch of brain-dead lunatics who want to control people’s lives through taking away their choices, and on the other hand you have a beautiful, drop-dead gorgeous blonde with big tits who wants to eat meat.

Round one–Jessica Simpson