Archive for the ‘Joe Jackson Helps’ Category

Joe Jackson Helps

Monday, May 3rd, 2010

A great way to get rid of ants is to mix an equal part Borax and sugar and sprinkle some close to an ant hill. You see, ants love sugar and won’t take just anything back to the queen, but they can’t tell the difference between Borax and sugar. So they’ll actually pick up the Borax and bring it to their queen and inadvertently kill her.

The word ant and aunt sounds exactly the same. Maybe not if you’re from England where the word aunt is pronounce “ont”, but where I’m from aunt and ant sound exactly the same. You know who really loved his aunt? My dead son Michael. He always told me, “daddy, I really love my aunt.” I had to beat Michael for talking while he should have been practising his dance moves, but it doesn’t mean ole Joe doesn’t relive those memories every once in a while. As long as it doesn’t interfere with my money-making organization, that is.

Say, springtime is here and summer is around the corner, and you know what that means? Deck parties! And every decent deck party needs entertainment. And boy oh boy do I have some really great – and alive – entertainers for you! There’s Latoya and Tito and Squiggy and Dopey. Hell, I don’t know all their names, I only know them by their cash equivalent on my tax return. But that’s hardly important. What’s important is that you got the party and ole Joe has the entertainment.

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Joe Jackson Helps

Tuesday, January 12th, 2010


To warm biscuits, pancakes, or muffins that were refrigerated, place them in a microwave next to a cup of water. The increased moisture will keep the food moist and help it reheat faster.

Hi folks, Joe Jackson here. I hope that helpful household tip will keep your bread products nice and moist. I love moist bisquits. You know who else loved moist bisquits? That’s right, my dead son Michael. I remember one time I came into the kitchen after beating the hell out of Tito, and there was Michael, scarfing down a whole tray of moist bisquits. MY moist bisquits. I said, “what the hell do you think you’re doing, boy, those be MY moist bisquits”. For the next 45 minutes I taught that skinny little bisquit eater what it means to keep his girlie hands off daddy’s bisquits. Memories, aint they sumpin’?

Say, wouldn’t it be great to have an official autograph of one of the Jackson 4’s? Sure it would. I can’t say Jackson 5 because I can’t very well get you an autograph from Michael, can I? Of course not. But the other four are still alive and kicking. Send $25 to Joe Jackson Helps, and I’ll send you an autograph from one of my remaining children. There’s Tito, Latoya, ahhh…Snoopy, and Bashful….hell, whatever their names are, that’s not important. The important thing is that it’s one of my kids names on a cocktail napkin, not just me scribblin’ down one of their names when I got drunk at the Kelsey’s last week.

Hurry, supplies are limited!

Joe Jackson Helps

Tuesday, October 13th, 2009


The BBC is producing a show called Move Like Michael Jackson (which, to be fair, if you shook a bag of potatoes right now it would move better than Michael), and the winner of this reality series will perform at his tribute concert next year. This is great news for ole Joe. I can smells the money!

You know, I’m sure there are a few people out there that think ole Joe is making money hand over fist since Michael passed away. Well, ole Joe aint gonna argue with you. Hell, I just bought me a new gold tooth!

I know this segment is called Joe Jackson helps, and I haven’t really helped anyone tonight, but sometimes ole Joe dun needs to helps himself. Which I’m doing quite well, thank you very much.

Say, are you having a Halloween party? Do you need some live entertainment? Well, ole Joe has got four perfectly acceptable kids that are willing and able to perform at your halloweenie function. Give ole Joe a call and I’ll be happy to email you our rate card.

Joe Jackson Helps

Monday, August 31st, 2009


I find the best way to blanch a tomato is thusly: Boil water in a pot deep enough to cover the tomato. Wash your tomato and remove any leaves. Carefully place the tomato in the gently boiling water so you don’t splash yourself. Leave the tomato in the water for 30 seconds to one minute. When the skin starts cracking, lift the tomato out and place in a bowl of ice-cold water. Let chill for a minute or two and the skin should peel right off. You can then take the core off. Be careful because the tomato will be very hot. You don’t want to leave it in the cold water too long either. You might have to experiment a little, but this is easy once you get the hang of it. You just have to watch your tomato, the appearance will tell you when to take each step.

You know who loved blanched tomatoes? My dead son Michael. He absolutely loved ‘em. Michael couldn’t get enough of blanched tomatoes. I couldn’t even beat the love of blanched tomatoes out of him, and hell knows how I tried. I’d be smacking that bitch with one hand while yelling, “This love you have of blanched tomatoes is not normal, if I catch you doing disgusting things to them ever again I’ll kill you.”

Well, Michael got the last laugh, didn’t he? He really let ole Joe down.

You know, I still have four perfectly adequate children that don’t have a fetish over blanched tomatoes, and they’d love to perform at your next function. Maybe you have a birthday party that you need live entertainment for. Maybe you’re throwing a party in honour of a dead Irish drunken Senator that abused women his whole life, while actually killing one when he was younger, yet never ever fessing up to his crimes, let alone his many horrible sins.

If you are, give Joe Jackson a try. I’m available 24/7, and remember, I’ll never inconveniently die on you like some other people I use to know!

Joe Jackson Helps

Sunday, August 16th, 2009


I find the best way to clean a sponge is to rub a fresh lemon thoroughly into the soured sponge and rinse it several times in lukewarm water; it will become as sweet as when new.

But you know who will never become sweet as new ever again? My dead son Michael. But that doesn’t mean my other four children aren’t as sweet as new.

Do you need live entertainment for your next get-together, banquet, or festivity? I have four perfectly alive children that will be happy to entertain you wherever you are. Give ole Joe a call, day or night, and let’s put my kids to work for you.

Joe Jackson Helps

Tuesday, August 4th, 2009


Corn should never be husked (prior to preparation) — it should be put in the microwave for 4-5 minutes with husks attached. You’ll see that it’s the best corn you will ever have in your life. Plus, no pots of water to boil and clean up afterwards.

You know who else loved corn? My dead son Michael. Oh ya, that boy loved his corn. He would eat three, sometimes four pieces and then say, “daddy, can I have some more corn?” And I’d be like, “Hell no boy, you lucky I don’t pour gasoline over your body and light you on fire. Now get the hell out of here and practice your dance moves”.

Good times. Good times, indeed.

Do you need dancers, singers, live performers for your next work function, town fair, or circumcision party? Well, I have four perfectly not-dead children that would love to perform for you. They are all great dancers, singers, and live performers, with a heavy emphases on the word *live*.

Give Joe a call, I look forward to hearing from you.

Joe Jackson Helps

Saturday, July 25th, 2009


Don’t throw away your used dryer sheets! Instead, put them in your shoes and boots. Say goodbye to smelly shoes, and hello to fresh smelling feet!

Not only will this keep your footwear smelling great, but it will save you a few dollars not having to buy Odor Eaters or other foot hygiene products.

**Hey, are you looking for live entertainment for your next bar mitzva, corn roast, or bonspiel? I still have four perfectly not dead kids that would love to play at your function. Give Joe (that’s me) a call and I’ll hook you up!

Joe Jackson’s Healthy Eating Tips

Thursday, July 16th, 2009


White bread is packed with starch and loaded with carbohydrates, I suggest eating 100% whole wheat bread. It is packed with healthy vitamins and nutrients, you just can’t go wrong. A few weeks before Michael died, I got him eating whole wheat bread — he said it was delicious!

Are you or someone you know looking for some great live entertainment for a wedding, bachelor party, or other event? Well, not all the Jackson kids are dead, there’s still time to book any one of the four remaining ones. Give me a call, or better yet, look me up on Twitter!