…in fluent Italian. The waiter seemed to appreciate his willingness to accept their culture.
So, I tried the same thing in our local Chinese restaurant.
I squinted my eyes and shouted, “Harro! Spesha frah raice prease!” But instead of showing appreciation, they took the upturned prawn-cracker basket from my head and told me to get out.
An elderly Italian man lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite ravioli wafting up the stairs.
He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed.
Gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs.
When he reached the bottom of the stairs, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen, where if not for death’s agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were hundreds of his favorite ravioli.
He threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in a crumpled posture. His parched lips parted, the wondrous taste of the ravioli was already in his mouth.
With a trembling hand he reached up to the edge of the table, when suddenly he was smacked with a wooden spoon by his wife who said:
“Va fanculo!”
“Questi sono per il funerale.”
(Translation - Fuck off - these are for the funeral).
…about Bono’s death. The only problem is that it makes no sense at the moment because the prick is still alive.
I’m quite prepared to bide my time for a few decades until his life comes to a natural end, but if anyone wants to hear the joke now, and it really is the funniest joke ever, you know what you have to do….
**Courtesy of Sickipedia
9 – Golfer: “I’d move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course.”
Caddie: “Try heaven, you’ve already moved most of the earth.”
8 – Golfer: “Do you think my game is improving?”
Caddie: “Yes sir, you miss the ball much closer now.”
7 – Golfer: “Do you think I can get there with a 5-iron?”
Caddie: “Eventually.”
6 – Golfer: “You’ve got to be the worst caddy int he world.”
Caddie: “I don’t think so sir, that would be too much of a coincidence.”
5 – Golfer: “Please stop checking your watch all the time, it’s too much of a distraction.”
Caddie: “It’s not a watch, it’s a compass.”
4 – Golfer: “How do you like my game?”
Caddie: “It’s very good sir, but personally, I prefer playing golf.”
3 – Golfer: “Do you think it’s a sin to play golf on Sunday?”
Caddie: “The way you play, sir, it’s a sin on any day.”
2 – Golfer: “This is the worst course I’ve ever played on.”
Caddie: “This isn’t the golf course sir, we left that an hour ago..”
1 – Golfer: “That can’t be my ball, it’s too old.”
Caddie: “It’s been a long time since we teed off, sir”
Alabama: Yes, We Have Electricity
Alaska: Jeez, it’s cold.
Arizona: But It’s A Dry Heat
Arkansas: Literacy Ain’t Everything
California: By 30, Our Women Have More Plastic Than Your Honda
Colorado: If You Don’t Ski, Don’t Bother
Connecticut: Like Massachusetts, Only The Kennedy’s Don’t Own It Yet
Delaware: We Really Do Like The Chemicals In Our Water
Florida: Ask Us About Our Grandkids
Georgia: We Put The “Fun” In Fundamentalist Extremism
Hawaii: Haka Tiki Mou Sha’ami Leeki Toru (Death To Mainland Scum, But Leave Your Money)
Idaho: More Than Just Potatoes. Well Okay, Not Really, But The Potatoes Sure Are Real Good
Illinois: Please Don’t Pronounce the “S”
Indiana: 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free
Iowa: We Do Amazing Things With Corn
Kansas: First Of The Rectangle States
Kentucky: Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names
Louisiana: We’re Not ALL Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That’s Our Tourism Campaign
Maine: We’re Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster
Maryland: If You Can Dream It, We Can Tax It
Massachusetts: Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden’s (For Most Tax Brackets)
Michigan: First Line Of Defense From The Canadians
Minnesota: 10,000 Lakes And 10,000,000,000,000 Mosquitoes
Mississippi: Come And Feel Better About Your Own State
Missouri: Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars At Work
Montana: Land Of The Big Sky, The Unabomber, Right-Wing Crazies, And Very Little Else
Nebraska: Ask About Our State Motto Contest
Nevada: Whores and Poker!
New Hampshire: Go Away And Leave Us Alone
New Jersey: You Want A ##$%##! Motto? I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right Here!
New Mexico: Lizards Make Excellent Pets
New York: You Have The Right To Remain Silent, You Have The Right To An Attorney
North Carolina: Tobacco Is A Vegetable
North Dakota: We Really Are One Of The 50 States!
Ohio: Where one of your dad’s friends lives
Oklahoma: Like The Play, Only No Singing
Oregon: Spotted Owl – It’s What’s For Dinner
Pennsylvania: Cook With Coal
Rhode Island: We’re Not REALLY An Island
South Carolina: Remember The Civil War? We Didn’t Actually Surrender
South Dakota: Closer Than North Dakota
Tennessee: The Educashun State
Texas: Si’ Hablo Ing’les (Yes, I Speak English)
Utah: Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus
Vermont: Yep
Virginia: Who Says Government Stiffs And Slackjaw Yokels Don’t Mix?
Washington: Help! We’re Overrun By Nerds And Slackers!
Washington, D.C.: Wanna Be Mayor?
West Virginia: One Big Happy Family – Really!
Wisconsin: Come Cut The Cheese
Wisconsin: Come Smell our Dairy Air
Wyoming: Where Men Are Men (And The Sheep Are Scared)
…with a few other people when a man wearing a black suit steps on. It’s evident that the man has dandruff problems, because it can be seen on the shoulders of his suit.
Two floors later the man gets off, and after door closes someone says, “Someone should really give that guy some Head & Shoulders.”
The blonde then responds, “Yeah… Hey, how do you give shoulders?”
A priest, a rabbi and a pastor from the local churches are standing by the road, pounding a sign into the ground, that reads: “The End is Near! Turn Yourself Around Now Before it’s Too Late!” As a car sped past them, the driver yelled, “Leave us alone, you religious nuts!” From around the curve they heard screeching tires and a big splash. The pastor turns to the other two and asks, “Do you think the sign should just say: ‘Bridge Out’?”
1. Law of Mechanical Repair - After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you’ll have to pee.
2. Law of Gravity - Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
3. Law of Probability - The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.
4. Law of Random Numbers - If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.
5. Law of the Alibi - If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.
6. Variation Law - If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).
7. Law of the Bath - When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.
8. Law of Close Encounters - The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don’t want to be seen with.
9. Law of the Result - When you try to prove to someone that a machine won’t work, it will. (Vice Versa too)
10. The Coffee Law - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.
11. Wilson’s Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy - As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.
12. Doctors’ Law - If you don’t feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you’ll feel better. But don’t make an appointment, and you’ll stay sick.
**I took this from Big Red Kev, who took it from another site, which probably took it from yet another site. And that’s the way the interwebs work, my friends, just a bunch of thieves stealing crap from each others sites.
You know you’re a good ol’ boy computer operator if…
* Most of the e-mail you receive comes from people who want to borrow your truck.
* You’re right proud of that Jack Daniels mouse pad that you keep on your desk.
* When your Mac is running a little slow, you try to fix it by squirtin’ it real good with some WD-40.
* You can’t understand why the spell checker on your word processing software doesn’t recognize the words “col’beer”, “hon”, and “frog-strangler”.
* One thing that bothers you is how hardly anyone who sends out e-mail has a handle. You get the itch to start a message with the words, “Hey, good buddy, you got your ears on?”
* You can’t figure out why Microsoft doesn’t have its own NASCAR team. I mean, if it’s good enough for Cheerios, Valvoline, and the Cartoon Network, it ought to be good enough for Bill Gates, right?
* Instead of “bytes”, you think of it as “horsepower”.
* You finally decided to buy a computer after the Gun and Knife Show went online.
* You have been thrown out of several chat rooms for cussing and trying to start an online fistfight.
* Your keyboard looks a little different than everyone else’s. Instead of an apple, your command button has an okra on it.
* Congratufreakin’lations – you hold the world record for most number of hits – on the World Wrestling Federation web page.
* The reason your printer is jammed is that you dropped your tobacco chew spit cup into the paper holder.
* Most of the e-mail you send starts with “I’ll tell you what,” “This ain’t no bull,” or “It’s got to where you cain’t…”
* Some guy asked you about your floppy, so naturally you decked him.
* You’re pretty sure computers would work better if Briggs & Stratton began marketing a model that cranks up with a pull rope.
* You think that every child should be linked up to the Internet for educational purposes. But you wish there was more information about how to dynamite fish or build your own still.
* Your favorite search engine is Yahoo, because you run around screaming it during football games and wrestling matches anyway.
* The only reason you had your computer equipped with a CD-ROM was so you could listen to Merle Haggard.
* You figure computer science will have peaked when you can buy a 12-pack of Old Milwaukee online without leaving your doublewide.
…one of a nude man and one of a nude woman. They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years, when one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a single gesture, brings the two to life.
The angel tells them, “As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you’ve wished to do the most.”
He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running off together behind the shrubbery. The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues. After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing. The angel tells them, “You still have fifteen minutes left.”
The male statue asks the woman statue, “Would you like to do it again?”
“Oh, yes let’s,” she replies “but let’s change positions. This time, I’ll hold the pigeon down, and you shit on its head.”
…is lying on a gurney in a hospital corridor awaiting the medical staff.
A man in a white coat approaches her, lifts up the sheet, and visually examines her naked body. He walks away and confers with another man in a white coat. The second man then approaches the girl and performs the same examination.
When a third man approaches her, she asks impatiently, “These examinations are fine, but when are you going to start the operation?”
He shrugs and says, “Your guess is as good as mine, lady. We’re just here to paint the halls.”
…Billy, I have some good news and some bad news. Billy said, give me the good news. Doctor says, they’re going to name a disease after you.
