Archive for the ‘Jokes’ Category

Did You Hear About The Black Friday Sale In Ferguson?

Friday, December 5th, 2014

Everything was 100% off.

Thank you very much.

Too Soon?

Thursday, February 20th, 2014

If you live in England and find the above joke funny, The Mayor suggests you keep your giggles to yourself, or face prosecution (or is it persecution?):

A sandwich shop owner endured eight hours of questioning by police and had his computer seized for three weeks – after making tasteless Nelson Mandela jokes on the internet.

Neil Phillips, who runs Crumbs in Rugeley, Staffordshire, says he was also finger-printed and DNA-swabbed after officers received complaints about what he insists were harmless gags.

Phillips wasn’t charged with any crime, but yet the police were good enough to DNA swab him, fingerprint him, take his computer away for three week’s, and hold him for eight hours. Because he made a joke. On Facebook. Lucky the poor bastard didn’t Tweet it.

After posting this hate crime on Zuckerberg’s website, lefties all around England became *outraged*, because nothing outrages a lefty more than, ah, well, anything really. Cue Liberal Democrat Councillor Tim Jones:

Liberal Democrat Councillor Tim Jones was so incensed by the one-liners, aired at a time when Mandela was critically ill, that he made an official complaint.

INCENSED!! How dare you make a joke about a dying man? How dare you make a joke about a dying commie? How dare you make a joke about a dying black commie?

The Mayor is sure Councillor Tim Jones felt the same outrage after Margaret Thatcher died and the left in England lit up the internet with dead Maggie jokes. The Mayor is also sure the police will round up the Maggie joke-tellers, fingerprint every last one of them, DNA swab them, take away their computers, and hold them in jail for eight hours. The Mayor is also sure that later on this morning as he has his late morning constitutional, solid gold coins will fall out of his ass.

Neil Phillips, joke teller. Worse than Hitler.

Oldie But A Goodie

Wednesday, August 22nd, 2012

The Mayor realizes that posting around these parts has been slim to none lately, but in a few short weeks, things will be getting back to normal. What is normal, you ask? The Mayor has never been able to figure that out, but he does know that it won’t be long until he has a giant stretch of free time coming up. And when that giant stretch of free time comes up, prepare yourself for upward of one to two posts a day. Holy. Wow.

Thanks for sticking in there, you be da best.

Joketurd

Saturday, July 14th, 2012

A seal walks in to a bar and the bartender says to him, “what can I get you?”

And the seal replies, “anything but a Canadian Club.”

Oldie But A Goodie

Monday, June 4th, 2012

Hell, The Mayor even kicked in $50.

Hardy Harr Harr

Friday, March 16th, 2012

And not only that, in mystical Indian’s time, they were entertained nightly by smoking hot, scantily clad, dancing Indian broads. Now we have those pigs from Jersey Shore on the tube every night. Boy, the mystical Indian sure nailed the hell out of that one.

Bob The Cowboy

Sunday, February 26th, 2012

An oldie but a goodie. Like most of the jokes The Mayor makes. You laugh, and then realize that it’s still funny even after 40 years when you first heard it.

Hardy Harr Harr

Friday, December 9th, 2011

Sickipedia

“Can you tie a knot?”

“I cannot.”

“So you can knot?”

“No, I cannot knot.”

“Not knot?”

“Who’s there?”

“Fuck off!”

Give a man a gun and he can rob a bank, give a man a bank and he can rob the world.
What bounces and makes kids cry?

My donation cheque to Children in Need.

what do you call traditional Ethiopian cuisine?

UN FOOD AID

This Christmas naughty children will be getting some Euros instead of that expensive lump of coal.

Scottish Compassion

Friday, September 30th, 2011

A man was sitting on a blanket at the beach.

He had no arms and no legs.

Three women, from England , Wales , and Scotland , were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man.

The English woman said “Have you ever had a hug?”

The man said “No,” so she gave him a hug and walked on.

The Welsh woman said, “Have you ever had a kiss?

The man said, “No,” so she gave him a kiss and walked on.

The Scottish woman came to him and said, “‘ave ya ever been screwed, laddie?”

The man broke into a big smile and said, “No”.

She said, “Aye, well ya will be when the tide comes in.”

**Thanks, DMorris!

Cash 4 Gold

Wednesday, September 14th, 2011

Trolling Cash4Gold

In the end, the rock sender paid upwards of $450.00 in shipping in order to get a few hardy harr harr’s. Totally worth it.

Thanks to Kafir Kanuck for making The Mayor aware of this masterpiece.

That’s Kind Of Rough

Monday, August 15th, 2011

As well, yo mama is so ugly that she looks like she’s been in a dryer filled with rocks. To boot, yo mama’s only got one finger and runs around stealing key rings. And she’s dead.

Rectum?

Monday, August 8th, 2011

 

What, you’ve never heard of an animal proctologist before? I SAID, YOU’VE NEVER HEARD OF…..just forget it.

Two proctologists are discussing their most baffling cases.
One proctologist tells the other one about the time he put his hand into a patient and pulled out a large bouquet of flowers.
The other proctologist looked really amazed and asked, “Where did those flowers come from?”
The other proctologist answered very cooly, “How should I know. There wasn’t any card!!”