Archive for the ‘Kevin Federline’ Category

KFed Is Well Fed

Wednesday, September 2nd, 2009


Often times when someone goes through a nasty break-up they fall into either one of two extremes: They either lose a ton of weight, or they gain a ton of weight. Since it’s obvious KFed didn’t go the anorexia route, it could only mean he went the – and I’m not exactly sure what the medical term is, but I believe they call it the *disgusting* route.

Now there is nothing wrong with being overweight, most of us have been there at one time or another (or are stationed there full time). However, combine KFed’s newly rotund frame and the fact that he can neither read, write, or speak coherently, and his future is suddenly about as bright as a bat cave. And not the cool bat cave like what Batman has — one with electricity, big cushy chairs, and a slave that will make you a grilled cheese sandwich at 3 am, but rather a dingy bat cave where actual fanged bats will bite you and leave terrible scars on your person, and then fly into your hair and you’ll have to shave your head just to get the bat out.

Ya, that’s the bat cave I’m talking about.

Kevin And Britney Reach a Deal

Wednesday, April 4th, 2007

Kevin Federline and Britney Spears have reached an agreement over their split. All in all, it’s going to cost Britney about 13 million:

A 2004 prenup called for K-Fed to get $250,000 for each year of their marriage, but Spears upped that figure to $500,000 to speed up the negotiations.

He receives half the proceeds from their Malibu mansion, which is on the market for $13.5 million.

Spears will pay $25,000 a month in child support for each of the couple’s two children until they reach 18. He also gets custody of the boys four days a week.

Federline gets to keep all the gifts Spears bought them during their marriage.

He’s forbidden from writing a tell-all about their marriage.

The joke’s on Federline, Britney gets to keep all his wife beater shirts and the banjo.

I can’t say I’m not jealous of Federline right now, because I’m extremely jealous of him right now. Everyone knows that could have been me receiving that $13 million buckaroonies. Everyone knows that could have been me getting mad amounts of child support payments every month.

And you know, if it wasn’t for the oath I took refusing to give anal to bald, psychopathic hillbillies, it would have been me.

$13 million is going to buy alot of bisquits and grits

Kevin Federline Wants $50 Million From Britney

Thursday, January 11th, 2007

I was once told that you should always shoot for the stars, *Go big or go home*. I think my buddy must have told Kevin Federline the same thing:

Brit’s estranged hubby turned down a $10 million offer in December and is now asking for an astonishing $50 million– about one third of Brit’s net worth to give up full custody of the kids. She’s been crying practically nonstop, says a friend of Brit’s.

Poor Britney, if Kevin gets what he wants, she’ll only have a paltry $100 million left to her good name. Perhaps if he took all her money that would force her to stay at home with her kids for once.

To the average Joe, $50 million seems like a lot of money. To a man of such exquisite tastes, like Kevin Federline, $50 million is chicken feed. The way the prices of wife beater shirts are going up, $50 million might only get Kevin through the month. As for Britney? Who cares, if Kevin was so mean to her, if she wants him gone as bad as she says she does, then $50 million is what she should pay to have it happen.

I feel sorry for neither of them. The only person I feel sorry for right now is you, for reading this God-awful pathetic post.


Big Brother Bids Big For K-Fed

Thursday, November 23rd, 2006

Big Brother in Britain has offered Kevin Federline over $300,000 (Canadian) to be in their reality show:

An insider said: Kevin is hugely entertaining because he takes himself really seriously even though no one else does.

He’ll be great for the show because it’s all about larger-than-life characters.

Good. I hope this leads to K-Fed being insanely successful.

You see, all I have been hearing lately is what a jackass K-Fed is and how he ruined poor Britney Spears. Oh, poor Britney, when is the little angel ever going to catch a break? Well eff me gently with a chainsaw, I say. Britney is a Class A douchebag, and it’s abundantly clear from seeing her hang around that disease receptacle, Paris Hilton, the last week or so.

Britney has two children, she should be at home letting one or both of them suck on her gigantic milkbags instead of whoring around Hollyweird, smoking and drinking and acting like a piece of shit white trash piglet. K-Fed might have been onto something when he filed the papers to keep those kids, it’s becoming obvious that Britney doesn’t have a maternal bone in her body. Although if she hangs around Paris *feed me dead animals* Hilton long enough she’ll have plenty of bones thrust up inside her body.

I feel no pain for Britney, it’s not as if she didn’t know K-Fed was a pot-smokin’ backwoods Neanderthal when she met him, she got exactly what he advertised. She is an adult and made an adult decision. She even had TWO kids with this guy, whose fault was that? If bitch didn’t want kids, bitch should have taken up the art of swallowing, like her hump buddy Paris *don’t lose your wristwatch up their* Hilton. It takes two to Tango and Britney tangoed twice, so the hell with her.

I hope K-Fed gets a billion dollars from Britney, he deserves every red cent. K-Fed might be a loser, but it’s not his body that had to have a tummy tuck and radical reconstruction, it was that baby-making dunce, Britney Spears. You reap what you sew, tramp.

Show me da BIG $$$ Yo dawg, shit.

K-Fed Threatens to Release Honeymoon Sex Tape

Monday, November 13th, 2006

Kevin Federline has threatened to go public with the couple’s Honeymoon sex tape unless Britney meets his demands:

Britney fears the raunchy footage will destroy her wholesome image unless she caves in to his demands for a £16million payoff and custody of their children Sean Preston, one, and Jayden James, eight weeks.

“Kevin has told Britney she should comply with his demands otherwise the whole world will see her having sex, which will be devastating. At the moment Kev is in talks with a company in Arizona about putting the four-hour sex vid online. If it all goes to plan he’ll make £26million from it,” he added.

The source explained that Federline is so enraged with his estranged wife he will do anything to hurt her.

Although no one wants to see Britney Spears naked and playing hide the snausage more than me, I do want to help the poor hayseed out by getting her tapes back. Here are a few suggestions from my lips to Britney’s ears:

Promise K-Fed that if he let’s you hold the tape, you will give him wicked tickets to next months Monster Jam.

Tell K-Fed that if he let’s you keep the tape that you will take him to Fat Boy and let him have all the bisquits and gravy he can eat.

Make an even trade with him: Two excellent seats at any Nascar event in exchange for the tape.

Tell K-Fed that if he releases the tape of you and him having sex, you will release the tape of him and his mother having sex (you have to know there’s a tape out there of that)

Another even exchange-The sex tape for 25 wife-beater shirts.

I hope these suggestions help.

BTW, Britney is looking rather snackable, isn’t she? It seems that worry and stress can really shape a body of a young woman.

You aint nuthin’ if you don’t have a sex tape

Britney Spears Files For Divorce

Tuesday, November 7th, 2006

Britney Spears has filed for divorce from K-Fed. Mark is right, that’s exactly what happened:

The pop princess filed for divorce Tuesday from her husband, former backup dancer and aspiring rapper Kevin Federline. The Los Angeles County Superior Court filing cites “irreconcilable differences,” said court spokeswoman Kathy Roberts.

In the divorce papers, Spears asks for custody of the couple’s two children, with visitation rights for Federline. The filing lists as separate property, and thereby off-limits to Federline, “miscellaneous jewelry and other personal affects,” earnings and other assets to be determined later.

I, like most of you, am completely shocked, I can honestly say that I never saw this coming.

They seemed so in love, and sources say that they never fought. I mean, if they did fight, or were having marital problems, you would think that some, any, gossip sites or rags would have picked up on it. But they didn’t.

Brit, K-Fed, you tricked us all, Touche on your elaborate rouse.

All my ex’s live in Arkansas

Kevin Federline "Pimpforming" at the Teen Choice Awards

Tuesday, July 25th, 2006

Wow, isn’t Kevin just such a cheesy sexy hunk of man flesh. Nothing spells sexy like a chain-smoking, greasy-looking pimp daddy. It’s a wonder No wonder Britney couldn’t keep her virgin hands off him. How could you consider resist giving up your jewel to a man such as this.
Great news today, Kevin, or should I call him “K-Fed” will be performing his crap smash song at the Teenie Bopper Awards.

Britney Spears’ hubby has a new gig. Kevin Federline will close the Teen Choice Awards, performing his single “Lose Control” for the first time on network television. The show airs Aug. 20 on Fox.
The 28-year-old singer, known to some as K-Fed, is expected to release his debut hip-hop album, “Playing With Fire,” in August.

If K-Fed is a top choice with teens then it is a good thing that we have age restrictions for important decision making things or Brad Pitt would be our Prime Minister, Chicken Little our Official bird and there would be a cheeseburger instead of a maple leaf on our flag. Not to mention the mandatory dress code…ass-crack pants, not to go above your mid-thigh.

K-Fed Loses Control!

All I can say is at least we know he can dance. I mean, isn’t that how Britney met him?

Reported by Special Agent Nikita

Kevin Federline and Jessica Simpson?

Friday, February 24th, 2006

Could this be another sign of the apocalypse?

She invited him to sit down, a clubgoer told Life & Style Weekly. There was definitely some chemistry there.

Kevin Federline already turned an incredibly sex Britney Spears into something that resembles what you would pick off the bottom of your filthy cowboy boots, and now he has his eyes on the most delicious Jessica Simpson.

While this certainly gives hope to all the shiftless, sloth-like, and dirty hillbillies everywhere, I can not and will not allow this to happen.

Fenris, bring Jessica to me, and fetch me the ultra-strength industrial roofies, we have an intervention to perform!

It’s the end of the world as we know it, and I don’t feel fine

Kevin Federline Hurts My Brain

Tuesday, January 24th, 2006

I’m finding it harder to make fun of Kevin Federline every day. Everything has been said about him, everyone hates him, and everyone is pretty much sick of him. But not unlike a horrific car accident, it’s hard not to pay attention to him.

The good folks at The Superficial have a pretty damn funny vid. of Kevin jamming to his own tune, PopoZao. Here’s the first few lines of what The Superficial had to say about it:

What do you get when you mix a giant douchebag, a recording studio, and the worst single ever released by a human being? The funniest fucking thing you’ll see today.

That pretty much sums it up.

Kevin Federline is a Genius

Wednesday, January 4th, 2006

Kevin Federline released his new rap single, Popozao, and I have to tell you, it is cutting edge brilliant. To help edumacate the yearning masses, I will translate Kevin’s precious gems for you:

In Portuguese it means bring your ass
Here sheepy sheepy

On the floor and move it real fast
I disagree with the policies of George Bush, and the very thought of his evil regime makes me fall to the floor in some sort of fit

I wanna see your kitty and a little bitta titty
I am a veterinarian, and I want to check your cat for breast cancer

Wanna know where I go when I’m in your city
In case I happen to be in your city, I will be happy to tell you where my residence will be

Girl, don’t you worry about all the dough
It won’t cost you anything to have sex with me, I’m not only stupid, I’m cheap

Cuz a cat is coming straight outta the know
I’m making another cat reference for no apparent reason, please disregard this line

Ready rock them shows all the …
The blood vessel that has broken in my brain makes it impossible for me to finish sentences

Bring that Brazil booty on the floor
I’m having a hankerin’ for some Spanish tang

Up, down, all around
Pretty much everywhere

Work that shit to this funky sound
Feel free to dance to the music which I have bestowed upon you

Wanna see what I’m gonna owe
I’m really going to miss Britney paying for all my shit

Po, Po, Po, Po, PopoZao, PopoZao
Po, Po, Po, Po, PopoZao, PopoZao
Po, Po, Po, Po, PopoZao, PopoZao

I have forgotten how to speak or write English properly, therefore, I will randomly select letters and string them together, making a completely unreadable sentence.

Kevin Federline is one deep son-of-a-bitch. For all you folks that say Kevin is one illiterate, useless, untalented hack, you couldn’t be more wrong.

For more proof of the genius that is Kevin Federline, you need to listen to Popazao.

Britney Spears kicks the pylon out–Again

Friday, December 2nd, 2005

I’m not even sure this is Britney Spears in the pic, but at this point I couldn’t care less. She’s effin’ yummy no matter who the hell she is.

Hot damn, that’s a nearly flawless picture. Even if you dislike Britney Spears, you have to admit, she was, and possibly still could be, a fine piece of ass.

Anyway, Britney has taken the trash to the curb:

Britney Spears is said to have booted her wastrel husband, Kevin Federline, out of their Malibu mansion.

We hear the couple had a blazing row Wednesday night in which the pop princess banished the skeevy dancer to the Beverly Hills Hotel.

Word is Brit lost it when a pot-packing pal of Federline’s showed up at their house.

“Britney turned around and fired two of her longtime security guards for letting what she called ‘the weedman’ into the house,” a source tells Star magazine. “She just seemed crazy with anger.”

The thought of that girl in the picture getting so upset and firing a few security guards and then booting out that waste of skin hubby of hers, makes me so hot that I could smash the Rock of Gibraltar to smithereens with my penis.

I can just imagine her beautiful blonde hair flailing away, back and forth across her face. Her giant breasts heaving like a kid with asthma, her fat ass jiggling away like a bowl of God damned jello. Yum-me.

I can just picture what she said to *dead weight* Federline when she booted him out: “You have to be the laziest, useless, most pathetic Neanderthal to ever walk the earth. You are a leech, vermin, a plague onto society. You take and take and you never give anything back, and that’s because you have nothing to give. Most people have a purpose in life, a special gift God bestowed upon them. You have no special gift, you are boring, self-centered, and an egotistical wash-out. You aren’t even a *has-been*, you’re a *never-was*. The train to Britneytown has left the station, and you, chump, aren’t on it. Anyway, good luck with your *dance career*, loser”.

It looks like I’ll be up all night now, listening to all of Britney’s crying and moaning, I mean, crying. The last few weeks have been insane, first I have to be there for Jessica, and now Britney.

Hey Pitt, you best be buying Angelina some roses, it’s been a very bad stretch for Hollyweird romances. But it’s been a very good stretch for The Mayor of Mitchieville(wink wink).

NY Daily News article

Picture lifted from Okxy.

Britney kicks out KFed

Friday, November 4th, 2005

At first I thought the title of the article was “Britney kicks Kevin in the nuts”, but kicking his lazy ass out of her house is a good start:

Sources have alleged the new mum has kicked her husband out of their Malibu home and demanded a trial separation after a blazing row, according to Stateside reports.

Just last week Britney was said to be upset that Kevin is not spending enough time helping her with their baby son, Sean Preston.

Insiders claimed she was particularly annoyed when her husband spent two hours having his hair braided, while she was left to change the baby’s nappies.

Kevin has also reportedly been avoiding his fatherly duties by partying till the early hours at nightclubs.

For Britney to kick Kevin out of her house nearly makes me like her again. Then I remember that Federline has had his penis in her a few billion times, and that makes me sick, so I go back to hating her.

It’s a real love/hate thing I have for Britney. I’d love her again if she would only have a vagina transplant.

Britney takes her trash to the curb.