Are deep cavity searches your thing? Does the thought of being probed by fat, sweaty and smelly rent-a-cops turn your crank? Does spending hours upon hours in foreign and domestic airport security rooms being grilled by large men with weapons turn you on? Then these designer luggage bags are for you.

The Mayor can’t possibly see how these bags can be negatively interpreted, and I’m sure Ahkmed in Somalia will laugh as hard as Jose in Mexico when you come-a-strollin’ through airport security with one of these laugh-a-minute luggage bags strapped to your arm. 

“Oh , you’re only pretending to have cocaine in your luggage? Hahaha, no, the joke is on me, welcome to Saudi Arabia.”

Good job. Now you’ll finally see all along that humour is universal and everybody LOVES a good laugh.

All right, Keyser isn’t exactly proud of the fact, but he voted twice for George W. Bush. Well, Penn (or is it Teller – Keyser can never keep them straight) notwithstanding, you can in fact vote against. So let’s be honest. Keyser voted once against Algor and the second time against Jean François Kerry.

If Algore had managed to get five more votes in Florida (or whatever the necessary number), can you imagine what his reaction to the destruction of the World Trade Center would have been? He’d have sent a letter to the UN denouncing the hijackers for leaving such a big Carbon Foot Print and demanded a resolution deploring this situation and calling up on the perpetrators to buy a suitable Carbon Offset to compensate the world for the crime of contributing to Climate Change.
(more…)

You’d think that if the cops show up to a burning building and find some guy holding a canister and reeking of gasoline, they might be less than convinced when he points at someone else and says, “Arrest that man, he’s an arsonist!” And you’d also think that the cops would arrest the guy with the canister after they found surveillance footage showing him dousing the place with gasoline and igniting it while the other guy made some attempt to call 911. Is this what’s happened with the Wall St. debacle? Not in today’s America.
(more…)

I know what you’re doing, you’re casing the joint. You’re waiting until I leave The Manor and then you’re going to try to poach some of my delicious pears. Well guess what? I’ve counted the pears, I have 243 juicy pieces of fruit on the branches. If I come home and I find only 242 pears on the branches I am going to kill you!

I’m serious, asshole.

How about this: You stop stealing the pears from MY tree, and I won’t kill you. Sound good? Believe me, squirrell-Canadian, I’m keeping my good eye on you. And if I have to burn down both my pear trees in order to stop your thievery, I’ll do it.

And stay away from the mulberry bush, too. Bastard.