Archive for the ‘Lindsay Lohan’ Category

Solved

Saturday, May 12th, 2012

Kinda reminds The Mayor of some advice he got way back when – if you want to avoid getting AIDS, sit on your ass and shut your mouth.

The Mayor finds that advice is not only great concerning transmittable diseases, but for a whole slew of other categories.

Lindsay Lohan – Jewelry Thief?

Wednesday, February 2nd, 2011

Lindsay Lohan. Stolen neckless. LAPD. Hijinx. Jeepers:

Lindsay Lohan has just turned a super-expensive piece of jewelry over to cops that landed her in the middle of a police investigation … law enforcement sources tell TMZ. Law enforcement sources tell TMZ … last week the owner of an L.A. store filed a police report, claiming a $5,000 necklace was stolen from her business. We’re told the store surveillance video shows Lindsay in the store, wearing the necklace before it disappeared, although it’s unclear if the video actually shows Lindsay walking out of the store with the jewelry. Cops were in the process of getting a warrant to search Lindsay’s home, but last night one of Lindsay’s associates turned the piece over to the cops.

These are the kind of capers that only Scotland Yard can solve. Let’s see if we can make any sense out of this and try to figure out what the devil went wrong.

Lindsay Lohan was in a jewelry store and tried on a $5,000 necklace. The video tape from the jewelry store records that Lindsay Lohan was the last person on earth to be seen wearing said necklace. After the owner of the jewelry store filed a police report, one of Lohan’s friends returns the necklace that was last seen on Lohan’s neck.

I’m stumped. I wish there were more clues, but there isn’t. Trust The Mayor, this is a mystery that will never be solved.

Lindsay Lohan and the Mayor

Tuesday, December 7th, 2010

The Mayor has a long and sophisticated relationship with Hollywood celebrities. This piece, taken from June 2005, illustrates the Mayors caring, compassionate nature; which the Hollywood types are drawn to, like women to Superman.

This picture represents the only known time Lindsay Lohan has ever cast a shadow.

Lindsay Lohan was in Mitchieville yesterday trying to generate some publicity for a new dietary supplement she’s promoting. Mitchieville always has Hollyweird stars dropping by and promoting movies and products and all sorts of junk, it’s exciting for the general public, of course, but it bores me to no extent.

Lindsay was promoting “Vanished”, the new weight loss pill that really seems to be taking California by storm. Apparently, if you take “Vanished” you can lose up to 50 pounds in one week, with no side effects. It’s worked miracles on Lindsay, she went from being a rather sexy 128lbs just last week, to weighing just 82lbs as of yesterday.

Lindsay is a darling girl, a real treat, I just love her to death. Sure she’s starting to look like a coat hanger, but she’s a very smart girl who shows lots of promise. She is such a *grounded* person, completely refreshing to be around, I can’t get enough of her, and not because there isn’t much of her left, but because she enthralls me, she makes me feel at ease.

Lindsay and I ended up going to Chez Resois for dinner, the most expensive restaurant in Mitchieville. When we got inside the restaurant, you could have heard a pin drop. Every eye was on Lindsay, most people were squinting, of course, because it’s nearly impossible to actually *see* Lindasy anymore, but still, the “awes” and “wows” soon turned the dining establishment into an electric atmosphere.

We ordered our drinks, I had a double rye and ginger, while Lindsay had a Nyquil shooter with a bourbon chaser. She is all class, nothing but class. We then ordered our appetizers. I chose *cumin and caraway crusted lamb kofte, pinenut sauce, chili harissa*, while Lindsay decided to just chew on an old pencil I had in my pocket.

Dinner was extraordinary, I ordered the *pan roasted Alaskan halibut — chickpea puree, green chard, picholine olives, chermoula*, and Lindsay had a stick of gum that she peeled off from under the table.

Desert was wonderful, I indulged in a chocolate treat, a slice of *chocolate covered cherry pie*, while Lindsay skipped dessert and went to the washroom and threw up.

What a fantastic evening, over dinner we talked about all the Hollyweird *stars*, and how we would like to kick them all in the balls and slap their disgusting faces. Lindsay did nod off a few times, it seems she just didn’t have much energy, she is one of the hardest working Hollyweird celebrities, after all. However, when she was awake, we laughed and joked and had a ball.

After dinner we went back to the Manor for a few drinks, and a little *us* time. I’m telling you, as God is my witness, what energy Lindsay didn’t have at dinner, she sure made up for it back at my place. It’s as if she was on some sort of drug or something because I could hardly keep up with her. She started rambling on about nonsense, talking a mile a minute and just fluttering like a bird on speed. I calmed her down though, oh, I calmed her down ;)

After a few drinks for me, and a couple *diet pills* for Lindsay, we decided it was time to turn in. I shouldn’t be telling you this, because it’s not good to kiss and tell, but I’m busting at the seams to tell my good readership what happened in the bedroom. Let’s just say that Lindsay is one sick mofo, my Lord, she’s a freakin’ psycho. Think of all your dirty sexual fantasies and them magnify them by 10,000, that’s Lindsay Lohan. The things I did to Lindsay a farmer wouldn’t do to livestock.

She is getting rather skinny though. At one point I was going at it, when all of a sudden I stopped and realized it wasn’t Lindsay under me, but it was the telephone cord, I could hardly tell the difference. Still though, after I made the correction we were back and running and everything was good.

If I had to rate Lindsay’s performance in the sack, I have to say that she is perfectly adequate. She’s a very giving person, sometimes too giving. At one point I thought I broke her spine, yet she hardly noticed the incredibly loud crack her back made when I tied her up like a pretzel. She’s just so skinny, it was like molding Playdough.

I’ll never see Lindsay again, of course, I tired of her quickly. She’s fun for a night, but I could never see myself making a commitment to someone like her, she’s a free spirit, a lone wolf. I’ll just have to live on the memories of our night, and leave it at that.

When Lindsay was walking out the door, I called her back and gave her a friendship ring. The night before she was yammering on about how nice it would be if I gave her a ring, how that would be a symbol of the greatest night she has ever spent on planet earth. Luckily I keep a few hundred rings for such an occasion. I went to slip the ring on her finger, but her digits are so bony that the ring slipped all the way up to her wrist. So I said to her, “don’t worry baby face, just tell the paparazzi’s I gave you a bracelet”. Then we laughed out loud, then she broke down and cried. She knew in her heart that I would never call her again.

Lindsay Lohan – Old Before Her Time

Saturday, October 24th, 2009

dont-do-drugs

There must be more to it than that. I’m not disputing that drugs will age you before your time, but what I’m saying is that drugs must have been used in combination with something else in order to turn a beautiful young lady into something that screams at pigeons in parks in a matter of only a few years. I’m thinking it was drugs + booze + licking busted rods of radioactive isotopes. It’s all a theory, but I’m sure one day when the truth comes out about Lindsay Lohan’s aging, you will think back to this exact moment – the moment you read this post on a cool Saturday in October, dressed only in your underwear and a wool cap – and you will say, “The Mayor was right yet again, he sure did have a canny instinct.”

And you will be exactly right – I do in fact have a canny instinct.

Lindsay Lohan In Spanish Vogue

Thursday, May 7th, 2009

lindsay-lohan-marilyn-monroe1

Lindsay Lohan was in Spain yesterday for a photoshoot for Spanish Vogue. This was the second time in a year that Lindsay Lohan has done a Marilyn Monroe shoot, and truth be told, she looks very pretty and in fairly decent shape for once.

When you think about it, Lindsay Lohan really does have a lot in common with Marilyn Monroe: Both have seen more cock than the shipper/receiver at a KFC during The Great Oprah Winfrey Chicken Giveaway™, they both had a very limited amount of talent, they both were/are clearly insane, and both died of a pill overdose. Oh right, Lohan hasn’t done that yet.

Yet.

For the Lindsay Lohan/Marilyn Monroe photoshoot, please follow this handy dandy link

Lindsay Lohan Hates Sarah Palin

Tuesday, September 16th, 2008

First Matt Damon, then Hugo Chavez, now this:

“I really cannot bite my tongue anymore when it comes to Sarah Palin,” the actress, 22, wrote on her MySpace blog Sunday.

“I couldn’t be more supportive of a woman in office, but let’s face it, it comes down to the person, and their beliefs, male or female,” Lohan said.

“I find it quite interesting that a woman who now is running to be second in command of the United States, only 4 years ago had aspirations to be a television anchor, which is probably all she is qualified to be.

“Oh, and… Hint Hint Pali Pal – Don’t pose for anymore tabloid covers, you’re not a celebrity, you’re running for office to represent our, your, my COUNTRY!”

Oh no, I feared this was going to happen. It seems that Sarah Palin will not be able to deliver the important ultra-liberal/whore/imbecile/bi-sexual demographic. That’s just great, there goes the Hollywood block.

Lindsay Lohan–super-duper smart

Lindsay Lohan Arrested For This And That

Tuesday, July 24th, 2007

I’m so confident that you don’t care one iota about Lindsay Lohan and her revolting life, that I’m going to tell you a story about something that happened to me tonight instead of narrating this piece of Lindsay Lohan news:

Hollywood starlet Lindsay Lohan has been busted for drunk driving and drug possession, just days after completing an alcohol treatment program following her arrest in May for similar charges.

I went for a three mile run tonight, it’s part of a cardio-endurance fitness thing I’ve been into for the last six months. To increase my endurance, I run with a backpack on with 30 lbs of rocks in the sack. Hold on…

Lohan – who has been voluntarily wearing an alcohol monitoring bracelet since completing rehab on July 13 – was initially detained in lieu of $US25,000 bail before being released.

Anyway, I finished my run and I came home to The Manor for a shower. TLDG was good enough to run the water for me, and I jumped into a beautifully cool and refreshing shower, just the way I like it. For the love of God, one sec:

Celebrity news website TMZ.com reports that Lohan had also been charged with possession of cocaine. Sources told the website Lohan’s blood alcohol level was between 0.12 and 0.13, well above California’s legal limit of 0.8.

So, I’m showering away, la de deeee, la de daaa, and I go to pick up the soap and it flies up in the air, like only soap can do, and I go to grab it and I knock it up higher, and when it’s coming down I tried to grab it and it flies through my hand…Jesus, this is annoying, hold up:

Lohan is due to appear in court August 24 to face those charges.

And somehow smacks me square in the balls. A bar of soap bagged me. Is that crazy, or what?

True story, tell your friends.

Lindsay Lohan–The Latest Hollyweird DUI

Sunday, May 27th, 2007


Lindsay Lohan was arrested Sunday morning on suspicion of drinking and driving:

The 20-year-old was treated for minor injuries after losing control of the Mercedes she was driving and hitting a kerb, Beverly Hills police confirmed.

A small “usable” amount of a substance thought to be cocaine was also found in the car during a search, they added.

The actress, who spent time in a rehabilitation centre in January, was arrested but not held in custody.

What exactly is a *usable* amount of cocaine in Hollyweird? Do you remember the scene in Scarface when Pacino was sitting at his desk and he has a mountain of blow in front of his face, and he’s hoofin’ away like there’s no tomorrow? That’s a usable amount of cocaine in Hollyweird.

In the last year, Lohan has been in and out of rehab and AA quite a few times, it’s pretty easy for the average person to feel just a little bit sorry for her. However, we’re much better than the average person, and I’m sure you can get behind me when I wish Lohan nothing but pain and agony and ridicule for the rest of her nip-slippin’, dirty beaver exposing, coke-snortin’, sausage sucking, useless life.

Have millions of dollars and are wasted out of your mind? Take a cab or limo home, you degenerate.

Lindsay Lohan is S-M-R-T

Friday, November 24th, 2006

Lindsay Lohan released a statement Wednesday, sending her condolences to the Altman family. And what a treat it turned out to be:

“I would like to send my condolences out to Catherine Altman, Robert Altmans wife, as well as all of his immediate family, close friends, co-workers, and all of his inner circle.

“I feel as if I’ve just had the wind knocked out of me and my heart aches.

“If not only my heart but the heart of Mr. Altman’s wife and family and many fellow actors/artists that admire him for his work and love him for making people laugh whenever and however he could..

“Robert altman made dreams possible for many independent aspiring filmmakers, as well as creating roles for countless actors.

“I am lucky enough to of been able to work with Robert Altman amongst the other greats on a film that I can genuinely say created a turning point in my career.

“I learned so much from Altman and he was the closest thing to my father and grandfather that I really do believe I’ve had in several years.

“The point is, he made a difference.

“He left us with a legend that all of us have the ability to do.

“So every day when you wake up.

“Look in the mirror and thank god for every second you have and cherish all moments.

“The fighting, the anger, the drama is tedious.

“Please just take each moment day by day and consider yourself lucky to breathe and feel at all and smile. Be thankful.

“Life comes once, doesn’t ‘keep coming back’ and we all take such advantage of what we have.

“When we shouldn’t….. ‘

“Make a searching and fearless moral inventory of yourselves’ (12st book) -everytime there’s a triumph in the world a million souls hafta be trampled on.-altman Its true. But treasure each triumph as they come.

“If I can do anything for those who are in a very hard time right now, as I’m one of them with hearing this news, please take advantage of the fact that I’m just a phone call away.

God Bless, peace and love always.

Thank You,

“BE ADEQUITE”

Lindsay Lohan

Before you suggest otherwise, these really are Lohan’s condolences to the Altman family, I didn’t add or subtract anything from the statement.

What a beautiful statement this is, I’m very surprised Lindsay is smart enough to pen something so beautiful. And the part about “BE ADEQUITE”, well, she certainly has the market cornered on that. I’ve always said to anyone that will listen, “BE ADEQUITE”, for if we aren’t adequite then we are nothing at all. Or we are possibly more than adequite, I’m not sure which, but it’s one of the two.

A statement such as this must have been very hard for Lohan to write, and not just because I was nearly positive that Lohan couldn’t write. Think of all the Crayons she had to choose when she wrote this masterful piece of work, and think of all the sad faces :( she had to put on the paper. Very laborious.

Of course, Lohan isn’t the first Hollyweird *star* to send condolences to the Altman family, I’m sure every Hollyweirdo and their small dog has sent something to them. I have heard and seen the tributes pouring in regarding Altman, and I have only one thing to say, “Robert Altman was a fucking hack whose movies were pure shit. Take away M.A.S.H. and this guy would have been making informercials for Ronco”.

That’s the truth, spread the word. Or as Lohan would have said, “Spread the werd”.

Picture from Use My Computer…Who else?

Lindsay Lohan Wants to Go to Iraq

Saturday, August 12th, 2006

Now Optimus Prime will have someone to have sex with when he’s not shooting people in the head in the Middle East:

Lindsay Lohan tells Elle magazine she wants to entertain the troops in Iraq. “I’ve been trying to go to Iraq with Hillary Clinton for so long — Hillary was trying to work it out, but it seemed too dangerous”.

“My security guard is going to take me to a gun range when I get back to L.A., and I’m going to start taking shooting lessons.”

There are many questions which surround this story, such as; Will Lindsay be secure if she travels to Iraq? Will she go by herself or with Hillary Clinton? When is she planning to travel to the Middle East?

There are many other questions that surround this whole ordeal, such as; Will Lindsay get shot in the face by Iraqi insurgents or will she take a round of shots to the face by American servicemen? Would anyone care if Hohan left for the Middle East, would anyone care if she didn’t return? However, the main question I have is this; How did this pig-ugly bitch ever get famous in the first place?

Iraq my brain over these questions

Thursday, August 3rd, 2006

I am – Lohan Stalker Post of the Day 3

The Drunken Stepfather really loves Lindsay Lohan. I mean, if stalking is a form of love.

This clip is too funny by half. I’m going to miss Jesus Martinez when he’s incarcerated. For Lohan’s sake, I hope there isn’t internet service in Penatanguishine.

Something Happened to What’s Her Face and Some Other Chick

Thursday, May 4th, 2006

I didn’t really want to post this, but The Little Danish Girl is watching Will & Grace, so it was either watching that shit and slicing up my wrists, killing The Little Danish Girl, or posting this trash. And since the blade of my knife actually broke when I jammed it into my wrist, I suppose I have to post this nonsense:

Partying heiress Hilton and shipping heir Niarchos have reportedly split but just hours after Hilton recently left the U.S. for Australia, Niarchos was spotted “sipping cocktails and dirty dancing at L.A. club Element with Lohan, according to Life & Style.

Lindsay was all over Stavros, a bartender told the mag. At one point, he had his hand up her skirt! Three days later, Stavros was reportedly seen leaving Lohan’s room at the Chateau Marmont.

This is the final evidence I needed to prove my theory: Greek men won’t stop touching filthy women until their bodies are wracked with STD’s and their penis’ fall off. There’s no other explanation for it.

You see, shipping heirs are just about the richest motherfuckers in the universe, they could buy 400 million foreign virgins if they wanted to, but instead they opt for screwing herpe machines that have seen more meat that an IGA deli.

I don’t get it, and hopefully I never will.

Lindsay and Paris and Greek’s and…who cares?