Life Insurance: A contract that keeps you poor all your life so that you can die rich.
Nurse: A person who wakes you up to give you sleeping pills.
Marriage: An agreement in which a man loses his bachelor degree and a woman gains her masters.
Tears: The hydraulic force by which masculine willpower is defeated by feminine water power.
Lecture: An art of transferring information from the notes of the Lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through the minds of either
Conference: The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.
Compromise: The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece.
Dictionary: A place where success comes before work.
Conference Room: A place where everybody talks, nobody listens and everybody disagrees later on.
Father: A banker provided by nature.
Boss: Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.
Politician: One who shakes your hand before elections and your confidence after.
Doctor: A person who kills your ills by pills.
Classic: Books, which people praise, but do not read.
Smile: A curve that can set a lot of things straight.
Office: A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.
Yawn: The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.
Etc: A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.
Committee: Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together.
Experience: The name men give to their mistakes.

**Successfully borrowed for life from our good freinds at Last of the Few

**There’s always something funny posted at Big Red Kev’s site, but this one gave me an actual belly chuckle…

2. Having a Scar – It would be best if you had a long knife cut, or a scar from an old bullet wound. When she sees it for the first time and asks, “awe, honey……, did that hurt?” “Nah”, Is all we need to say.

3. Tools - Kinda says it all right there. When the lady nextdoor asks if you can fix her shelves cause she doesn’t know how. You assess the situation, throw out some technical fixin’ shit terms and strap on the tool belt. You walk proud with the tools banging against your legs. When all you really needed were three brackets, screws and your 22 volt cordless drill/driver with keyless chuck, 24 position adjustable torgue clutch. But why not have all your tools wrapped around you like batman’s utility belt. Cool…

4. Parallel Parking – Yes, yes we can. First time, every time. Get out and walk away, without even checking the curb.

5. Beards – Nothing says “he’s cool”, like looking like you just don’t give a shit. Girly men, look at you and you can almost see a tear forming in the corner of their eye. Yea, they know they’re whipped. Nancy’s.

6. Winking – Yes, it’s so cool it turns women into putty, doesn’t it.

7. Duct Tape – As you walk around your workshop. (it’s not a garage) It’s your workshop. Nothing says, “I can fix fucking anything”, like duct tape. Bring it on.

8. Tanks / Cars / Bikes – We know loads of stuff about them. That alone gives you 23716 kick ass cool points.

9. Meat – Women go to the store. They price the meat. (it can take up to 30 minutes) they pick out a big roast, something that will go good with carrots. Men, we kill our own food. Clean it, cook it…… over an open flame!

10. Support groups – We don’t need them to help us pee, unlike women.

BONUS REASON - Men can be ready to go anywhere, at anytime in under two minutes.

**Thanks to Bits & Pieces

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have raised their security level from “Miffed” to “Peeved.”  Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to “Irritated” or even “A Bit Cross.”   The English have not been “A Bit Cross” since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from “Tiresome” to a “Bloody Nuisance.”  The last time the British issued a “Bloody Nuisance” warning level was during the great fire of 1666.

The Scots raised their threat level from “Pissed Off” to “Let’s get the Bastards”.  They don’t have any other levels and this is the reason they have been used on the front line in the British Army for the last 300 years.

 The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from “Run” to “Hide”.  The only two higher levels in France are “Collaborate” and “Surrender.”  The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France ’s white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country’s military capability.  

It’s not only the French who are on a heightened level of alert.  Italy has increased the alert level from “Shout loudly and excitedly” to “Elaborate Military Posturing.”  Two more levels remain: “Ineffective Combat Operations” and “Change Sides.”

 The Germans also increased their alert state from “Disdainful Arrogance” to “Dress in Uniform and Sing Stiff Leg Marching Songs.”  They also have two higher levels: “Invade a Neighbor” and “Lose”.

 Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels .

 The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy.  These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish Navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish Navy.

 Americans meanwhile are carrying out pre-emptive strikes, on all of their allies, just in case.

 New Zealand has also raised its security levels – from “baaa” to “BAAAA!”  Due to continuing defense cutbacks (the Air Force being a squadron of spotty teenagers flying paper planes and the Navy some toy boats in the Prime Minister’s bath).  New Zealand only has one more level of escalation, which is “fuck”, I hope Australia will come and rescue us”.

 Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from “No worries” to “She’ll be right, mate”.  Two more escalation levels remain, “Crikey!’, “I think we’ll need to cancel the barbie this weekend” and “The barbie is cancelled”.  So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.

**From the desk of Bits & Pieces

1.  Of course I look familiar. I was here just last week cleaning your carpets, painting your shutters, or delivering your new refrigerator.

 2. Hey, thanks for letting me use the bathroom when I was working in your yard last week. While I was in there, I unlatched the back window to make my return a little easier.

 3. Love those flowers. That tells me you have taste …. and taste means there are nice things inside. Those yard toys your kids leave out always make me wonder what type of gaming system they have.

 4. Yes, I really do look for newspapers piled up on the driveway. And I might leave a pizza flyer in your front door to see how long it takes you to remove it.

 5. If it snows while you’re out of town, get a neighbor to create car and foot tracks into the house. Virgin drifts in the driveway are a dead giveaway.

6. If decorative glass is part of your front entrance, don’t let your alarm company install the control pad where I can see if it’s set. That makes it too easy.

7. A good security company alarms the window over the sink. And the windows on the second floor, which often access the master bedroom-and your jewelry. It’s not a bad idea to put motion detectors up there too.

8. It’s raining, you’re fumbling with your umbrella, and you forget to lock your door-understandable. But understand this: I don’t take a day off because of bad weather.

 9. I always knock first. If you answer, I’ll ask for directions somewhere or offer to clean your gutters. (Don’t take me up on it.)

 10. Do you really think I won’t look in your sock drawer? I always check dresser drawers, the bedside table, and the medicine cabinet.

 11. Helpful hint: I almost never go into kids’ rooms.

 12. You’re right: I won’t have enough time to break into that safe where you keep your valuables. But if it’s not bolted down, I’ll take it with me.

13. A loud TV or radio can be a better deterrent than the best alarm system. If you’re reluctant to leave your TV on while you’re out of town, you can buy a $35 device that works on a timer and simulates the flickering glow of a real television. (Find it at faketv.com.)

8 MORE THINGS A BURGLAR WON’T TELL YOU:

 1. Sometimes, I carry a clipboard. Sometimes, I dress like a lawn guy and carry a rake. I do my best to never, ever look like a crook.

2. The two things I hate most: loud dogs and nosy neighbors.

3. I’ll break a window to get in, even if it makes a little noise. If your neighbor hears one loud sound, he’ll stop what he’s doing and wait to hear it again. If he doesn’t hear it again, he’ll just go back to what he was doing. It’s human nature.

 4. I’m not complaining, but why would you pay all that money for a fancy alarm system and leave your house without setting it?

5. I love looking in your windows. I’m looking for signs that you’re home, and for flat screen TVs or gaming systems I’d like. I’ll drive or walk through your neighborhood at night, before you close the blinds, just to pick my targets.

 6. Avoid announcing your vacation on your Facebook page. It’s easier than you think to look up your address.

7. To you, leaving that window open just a crack during the day is a way to let in a little fresh air. To me, it’s an invitation.

 8. If you don’t answer when I knock, I try the door. Occasionally, I hit the jackpot and walk right in.

1. Law of Mechanical Repair - After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you’ll have to pee.

2. Law of Gravity - Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

3. Law of Probability - The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

4. Law of Random Numbers - If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.

5. Law of the Alibi - If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.

6. Variation Law - If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).

7. Law of the Bath - When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

8. Law of Close Encounters - The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don’t want to be seen with.

9. Law of the Result - When you try to prove to someone that a machine won’t work, it will. (Vice Versa too)

10. The Coffee Law - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

11. Wilson’s Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy - As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

12. Doctors’ Law - If you don’t feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you’ll feel better. But don’t make an appointment, and you’ll stay sick.

**I took this from Big Red Kev, who took it from another site, which probably took it from yet another site. And that’s the way the interwebs work, my friends, just a bunch of thieves stealing crap from each others sites.

01. It’s harder to tell navy from black.

02. Everything old is new again, but if you wore it before, you’re too old
to wear it the second time around.

03. Your kids are becoming like you—and you don’t like them, but your
grandchildren are perfect!   

04. Yellow becomes your big color—your eyeballs, your skin, your teeth,
your underwear.

05. Going out is good; coming home is even better!  

06. When people say you look “Great”, they add, “for your age!”

07. When you needed the discount, you paid full price.
Now you get discounts on everything–

08. You forget names, but it’s OK because other people forgot they even
knew you.

09. The last 2 outfits you wore had spots on them.

10. You ask your spouse or friend how your outfit looks, and they tell you
the truth.

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