Archive for the ‘Lists’ Category

UK Headlines From The Year 2030

Wednesday, January 18th, 2012

From Theo

Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world “Little India ” formerly known as Australia .

Jersey executes last remaining Greenie.

White minorities still trying to have English recognised as UK ’s third language.

Children from two-parent heterosexual families bullied in schools for being ‘different’. Tolerance urged.

Gay marriages now overtake heterosexual marriages as preferred ‘lifestyle’ choice.

Manchester schoolgirl expelled for not wearing Burqa: Being a Christian is no excuse says school. Sharia law must be enforced.

Japan announces that they will no longer consume whale meat as whales are now extinct and the scientific research fleet are unemployed. UK Government has told the Japanese that grey squirrels taste like whale meat.

Britain now has ten Universities of Political Correctness. Professor Goldman of LSPC says there is still a long way to go in the fight to stop people saying what they think. !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Britain ’s deficit £10 trillion and rising. Government declares return to surplus in 100 years which is 300 years ahead of time. Prime Minister Mohammed Yousuf claims increased growth through more immigration is the secret to success.

Wall Street banks merge to form new super bank, Goldman Rothschild Ebeneezer Epstein Drescher (GREED): huge bonuses paid to executives to celebrate launch.

Baby conceived naturally! Scientists stumped.

Castro finally dies at age 112. Cuban cigars can now be imported legally into the US, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.

Post Office raises price of stamps to £18 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only.

After a 10-year £75.8 billion study, commissioned by the Labour Party, scientists prove diet and exercise is the key to weight loss.

Average weight of a British male drops to 18 stone.

Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights. Victims to be held partly responsible for crime.

New law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2035 as lethal weapons.

Inland Revenue sets lowest tax rate in decades at 75 per cent.

Bradford won this year’s FA Cup Final beating the Hindu Hornets

1957 vs. 2007

Sunday, July 31st, 2011

From Ned Freakin’ Hardy, via Blame it on the Voices:

Scenario #1: Johnny and Mark get into a fistfight after school.
1957 – Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up buddies.
2007 – Police called, SWAT team arrives, arrests Johnny and Mark… Charge them with assault, both expelled even though Johnny started it.

Scenario #2: Jeffrey won’t be still in class, disrupts other students.
1957 – Jeffrey sent to office and given a good paddling by the Principal… Returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.
2007 – Jeffrey given huge doses of Ritalin… Becomes a zombie. Tested for ADHD. School gets extra money from state because Jeffrey has a disability.

Scenario #3: Billy breaks a window in his neighbor’s car and his Dad gives him a whipping with his belt.
1957 – Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman.
2007 – Billy’s dad is arrested for child abuse… Billy removed to foster care and joins a gang… State psychologist tells Billy’s sister that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison… Billy’s Mom has affair with psychologist.

Scenario #4: Mark gets a headache and takes some aspirin to school.
1957 – Mark shares aspirin with Principal out on the smoking dock.
2007 – Police called, Mark expelled from school for drug violations… Car searched for drugs and weapons.

Scenario #5: Pedro fails high school English.
1957 – Pedro goes to summer school, passes English, goes to college.
2007 – Pedro’s cause is taken up by state. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that teaching English as a requirement for graduation is racist. ACLU files class action lawsuit against state school system and Pedro’s English teacher… English banned from core curriculum… Pedro given diploma anyway… but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he cannot speak English.

Scenario #6: Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from 4th of July, puts them in a model airplane paint bottle, blows up a red ant bed.
1957 – Ants die.
2007 – ATF, Homeland Security, FBI called. Johnny charged with domestic terrorism, FBI investigates parents, siblings removed from home… computers confiscated. Johnny’s Dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.

Scenario #7: Johnny falls while running during recess and scrapes his knee. He is found crying by his teacher, Mary… Mary hugs him to comfort him.
1957 – In a short time, Johnny feels better and goes on playing.
2007 – Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces 3 years in State Prison… Johnny undergoes 5 years of therapy.

The Top 10 Reasons Why The Mayor Loves Having The Flu

Wednesday, December 22nd, 2010

1) It gives The Mayor the opportunity to taste what ginger ale is like without a few shots of top-shelf rye to mellow it out.

2) I actually love the feeling of impending bed sores ravishing my body.

3) The prospect of losing 12 pounds in 5 days is always a wonderful motivator.

4) Being able to watch home renovation shows and listening to Chad and Madison bitch and moan that the $800,000 home their real estate agent showed them didn’t have an indoor pool and they could never live without one. Well, it’s nice to see the upper crust have to suffer such indignities.

5) Crackers for breakfast, crackers for lunch, crackers for dinner. Love the crackers. Uh huh.

6) Waking up absolutely drenched, thinking your fever broke, when in fact the only reason you’re soaked is because you peed your bed.

7) Not having to change your underwear for 120 hours…and not caring a damn that you haven’t.

8) Being able to tell the telemarketers that no, The Mayor can’t come to the phone because he’s on deaths door, and knowing that this time you’re not actually lying.

9) I’ve always considered throwing up in small buckets a sport. And I am the gold medal champion.

10) All the “I’m glad you’re better, Mr Mayor” comments from my fellow Mitchievillian’s that adorn the comment section of the first post The Mayor pens since coming back from his near death experience.

For Lexophiles

Wednesday, November 24th, 2010

**Thanks to J.M. Heinrichs and Theo Spark:

1. A bicycle can’t stand alone; it is two tired.
2. A will is a dead giveaway.
3. Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
4. A backward poet writes inverse.
5. A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.
6. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
7. The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.
8. You are stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
9. He broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
10. A calendar’s days are numbered.
11. A boiled egg is hard to beat.
12. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
13. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison: a small medium at large.
14. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
15. When you’ve seen one shopping centre you’ve seen a mall.
16. If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine.
17. When she saw her first strands of grey hair, she thought she’d dye..
18. Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
19. Acupuncture: a jab well done.
20. Marathon runners with bad shoes suffer the agony of de feet.
21. The roundest knight at king Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
22. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
23. She was only a whisky maker, but he loved her still.
24. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.
25. No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.
26. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
27. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
28. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
29. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
30. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
31. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab centre said: ‘Keep off the Grass.’
32. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said ‘No change yet’
33. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
34. Don’t join dangerous cults: practice safe sects.

Top 10 WTF? US Sex Laws

Monday, May 3rd, 2010

I fail to see the big deal about this. I’m pretty much for any and all of these laws.

Insurance Claims – Part Trois

Friday, April 30th, 2010

Who is to Blame?

  • No one was to blame for the accident but it would never have happened if the other driver had been alert.
  • I didn’t think the speed limit applied after midnight.
  • I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection a hedge sprang up, obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car.
  • The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.
  • I was going at about 70 or 80 mph when my girlfriend reached over and grabbed my testicles so I lost control.
  • I was on the way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident.
  • On approach to the traffic lights the car in front suddenly broke.
  • The accident was caused by me waving to the man I hit last week.
  • Windshield broke. Cause unknown. Probably Voodoo.
  • No witnesses would admit having seen the mishap until after it happened.
  • I had been learning to drive with power steering. I turned the wheel to what I thought was enough and found myself in a different direction going the opposite way.
  • The accident happened when the right front door of a car came round the corner without giving a signal.
  • I had been driving for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.
  • I left for work this morning at 7am as usual when I collided straight into a bus. The bus was 5 miniutes early.
  • An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.
  • I knew the dog was possessive about the car but I would not have asked her to drive it if I had thought there was any risk.
  • The accident happened because I had one eye on the truck in front, one eye on the pedestrian, and the other on the car behind.
  • I started to turn and it was at this point I noticed a camel and an elephant tethered at the verge. This distraction caused me to lose concentration and hit a bollard.
  • Insurance Claims – Part Deux

    Thursday, April 29th, 2010

    Collisions, calamities, and injuries

  • Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don’t have.
  • I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat found that I had a fractured skull.
  • I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment.
  • I thought my window was down, but I found it was up when I put my head through it.
  • As I approached an intersection a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident.
  • In an attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.
  • I saw two kangaroos having it off in the middle of the road. So I hit them, which caused me to ejaculate through the sunroof.
  • I was thrown from my car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows.
  • The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of the way when I struck the front end.
  • I pulled in to the side of the road because there was smoke coming from under the hood. I realized there was a fire in the engine, so I took my dog and smothered it with a blanket.
  • The claimant had collided with a cow. The questions and answers on the claim form were – Q: What warning was given by you? A: Horn. Q: What warning was given by the other party? A: Moo.
  • Insurance Claims

    Wednesday, April 28th, 2010

    Incidents with Pedestrians.

    • The pedestrian ran for the pavement, but I got him.
    • The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.
    • I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him.
    • To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front I struck a pedestrian.
    • The pedestrian had no idea which way to run as I ran over him.
    • The car in front hit the pedestrian but he got up so I hit him again.
    • I saw a slow moving, sad faced old gentleman as he bounced off the roof of my car.
    • A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.
    • I saw her look at me twice. She appeared to be making slow progress when we met on impact.
      Accidents with other vehicles.
       

    • I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.
    • A truck backed through my windshield into my wife’s face.
    • The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention.
    • My car was legally parked as it backed into another vehicle.
    • When I saw I could not avoid a collision I stepped on the gas and crashed into the other car.
    • I started to slow down but the traffic was more stationary than I thought.
    • The accident occurred when I was attempting to bring my car out of a skid by steering it into the other vehicle.
    • I was backing my car out of the driveway in the usual manner, when it was struck by the other car in the same place it had been struck several times before.
    • I was unable to stop in time and my car crashed into the other vehicle. The driver and passengers then left immediately for a vacation with injuries.
    • The gentleman behind me struck me on the backside. He then went to rest in a bush with just his rear end showing.
    • The car in front of me stopped for a yellow light, so I had no choice but to hit him. (She pushed him through the intersection)

    Definitions For Today’s World

    Thursday, March 11th, 2010

    Life Insurance: A contract that keeps you poor all your life so that you can die rich.
    Nurse: A person who wakes you up to give you sleeping pills.
    Marriage: An agreement in which a man loses his bachelor degree and a woman gains her masters.
    Tears: The hydraulic force by which masculine willpower is defeated by feminine water power.
    Lecture: An art of transferring information from the notes of the Lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through the minds of either
    Conference: The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.
    Compromise: The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece.
    Dictionary: A place where success comes before work.
    Conference Room: A place where everybody talks, nobody listens and everybody disagrees later on.
    Father: A banker provided by nature.
    Boss: Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.
    Politician: One who shakes your hand before elections and your confidence after.
    Doctor: A person who kills your ills by pills.
    Classic: Books, which people praise, but do not read.
    Smile: A curve that can set a lot of things straight.
    Office: A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.
    Yawn: The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.
    Etc: A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.
    Committee: Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together.
    Experience: The name men give to their mistakes.

    **Successfully borrowed for life from our good freinds at Last of the Few

    Military Rules

    Thursday, March 4th, 2010

    You Know You’re Taliban When…

    Monday, March 1st, 2010
    1. You refine heroin for a living, but have a moral objection to beer.

    2. You own a £3,000 machine gun and a £5,000 rocket launcher, but you can’t afford to buy shoes.

    3. You have more wives than teeth

    4. You wipe your butt with your bare hand, but consider bacon unclean

    5. You think vests come in two styles: bulletproof and suicide

    6. You can’t think of anyone you haven’t declared Jihad against

    7. You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing

    8. You were amazed to discover that mobile phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs

    9. You have nothing against women and think every man should own at least two

    10. You’ve always had a crush on your neighbours goat

    **Thanks to Big Red Kev

    10 Reasons Why Men Are So Damn Cool

    Friday, February 19th, 2010

    **There’s always something funny posted at Big Red Kev’s site, but this one gave me an actual belly chuckle…

    2. Having a Scar – It would be best if you had a long knife cut, or a scar from an old bullet wound. When she sees it for the first time and asks, “awe, honey……, did that hurt?” “Nah”, Is all we need to say.

    3. Tools – Kinda says it all right there. When the lady nextdoor asks if you can fix her shelves cause she doesn’t know how. You assess the situation, throw out some technical fixin’ shit terms and strap on the tool belt. You walk proud with the tools banging against your legs. When all you really needed were three brackets, screws and your 22 volt cordless drill/driver with keyless chuck, 24 position adjustable torgue clutch. But why not have all your tools wrapped around you like batman’s utility belt. Cool…

    4. Parallel Parking – Yes, yes we can. First time, every time. Get out and walk away, without even checking the curb.

    5. Beards – Nothing says “he’s cool”, like looking like you just don’t give a shit. Girly men, look at you and you can almost see a tear forming in the corner of their eye. Yea, they know they’re whipped. Nancy’s.

    6. Winking – Yes, it’s so cool it turns women into putty, doesn’t it.

    7. Duct Tape – As you walk around your workshop. (it’s not a garage) It’s your workshop. Nothing says, “I can fix fucking anything”, like duct tape. Bring it on.

    8. Tanks / Cars / Bikes – We know loads of stuff about them. That alone gives you 23716 kick ass cool points.

    9. Meat – Women go to the store. They price the meat. (it can take up to 30 minutes) they pick out a big roast, something that will go good with carrots. Men, we kill our own food. Clean it, cook it…… over an open flame!

    10. Support groups – We don’t need them to help us pee, unlike women.

    BONUS REASON – Men can be ready to go anywhere, at anytime in under two minutes.