I suppose the bright side of having arms like that is the doctor will always be able to find a vein. It’s as if she’s sewn unboiled spaghetti into her skin.

The Mayor has to be perfectly honest with you folks, Madge scares the living crap out of me. At this point in her life, she should be wearing a hockey mask, hanging out at cottages, and butchering teenagers. Instead, she’s wearing the face God gave her (thanks for nothing, oh Lord & Saviour), hanging out on my computer monitor, and butchering my eyes.

Fox investigating reporter, Roger Friedman, has a simple question for Madonna: Before you *adopt* another child from Malawi, can you first explain what your organization, Raising Malawi, did with the $3.7 million it brought in from a fundraiser last February?

This column has tried to ascertain from The Gucci Foundation and from Madonna’s Kabbalah-backed Raising Malawi, where the estimated $3.7 million has gone from the February 6, 2008 extravaganza. So far: No answers.

Now, fourteen months after the fundraiser, there’s no accounting for the money that came in. At the time, Gucci claimed that they’d underwritten the entire event, that $3.7 million had been raised and that it had been split between Raising Malawi and UNICEF.

But since then, the Gucci Foundation has still not filed a Form 990 tax statement, and neither has Raising Malawi. Calls to Gucci haven’t provided any information, and calls and emails to Raising Malawi haven’t been returned.

And yet that won’t stop Madonna from stealing another African child and harvesting the poor kid for spare parts.

Madonna simply doesn’t care where the $3.7 million has gone, the fundraiser wasn’t about raising money, it was to bring people together so they could gush over what a humanitarian Madonna is. “Oh look what Madonna is doing, isn’t it wonderful? She’s taking poor children out of Africa, bringing them to her mansion and giving them a life they could only dream of.” Reality is different though. Those people should be saying, “Look at what that sinewy, horrid bitch has done. She has raped Africa of another child, bullied her way to the front of the adoption line, paid-off some lowly Malawian official to steal a kid for her, taken the child away from her family, brought the kid to America where she will ignore it and let some nanny take care of her, and all because Madonna is a narcissist and can’t live without being in the spotlight.”

Let’s face it, there are plenty of black children of Mercy’s age in America that need a home, why isn’t Madonna dragging her corpse down to those adoption agencies and taking a little Laquesha or a Tyrel back home to her harvesting farm? Eh? What? Ya!!

Madonna was at a UNICEF benefit last night, showing off the latest in grassy knoll fashion. I’m sure Alex Rodriguez has to mow and de-weed her every night now. What was she thinking when she chose that? “Hmmmm, this piece of sod would look good draped over my skelator body. Alex, get me the weed-whacker and my gold belt!!” At this point, the best thing for everyone is if someone threw Madonna back into the swamp from whence she came.

A member of staff removes a wedding ring from a waxwork of Madonna at London’s Madame Tussaud’s museum, a day after the pop star announced her divorce from guy Ritchie.

It’s amazing to me how the wax statue of Madonna looks so fresh and clean and unwrinkled, yet the real life version of Madonna looks like a discarded Handi Wipe that was used to clean off the crusty, thrown up barf that spewed out of a meth addicted homeless man’s hungry mouth.

And that’s a really terrific belt wax Madonna is wearing, she should be very proud of winning the WWE championship.

Although Madonna looked like she saw, well, herself in a mirror, her publicist says that she is not sick, and that this photograph in question was just a bad picture:

The pop star “may look a little thinner than usual,” Rosenberg conceded, “but she was dancing and singing better than ever and ate a nice healthy meal.”

I’m more concerned with the walking unibrow that has attached itself to Madonna’s tentacles. She’s obviously sucking whatever life-force Madonna has left in her tattered and abused body. On the bright side, it’s nice to hear a story that doesn’t involve Madonna doing the sucking.

Rimshot

Upset at the amount of Botox Madonna has received, Rosanne Barr had this to say about Madonna’s obsession:

“Please lay off the Botox,” she wrote. “You are scaring the children. Act your age. You are doing good things and your face negates your message of spirituality.”

It’s interesting the two factions at play here. One the one hand you have an obese, disgusting pot calling the sluttish, horrid kettle black. Rosanne believes that women should age gracefully, yet gracefully is not a word that can be associated with Rosanne Barr in the least. However, she does make a good point that Madonna should stay away from the Botox. Maybe the two can compromise: If Madonna agrees to lay off the Botox, Rosanne will agree to kill herself, and take Madonna with her.

Sure, it’s not much of a compromise, but it’s only thing I can see that will work at this point.

Pass the needle…

If only his finger was loaded.

Mental disorders are about as common in Hollyweird as adultery, drunk driving and drug addictions. If you want to see the level of insanity that most Hollyweird stars possess, simply stick a mic in front of their gaping maws and ask them their views on politics.

Sean Penn is no exception, of course. The difference though between Sean Penn and your average Hollyweird mental patient is that Sean Penn just doesn’t stop at making anti-American speeches at home, he travels and talks…and talks and talks and blabbers, and whines, and bitches, blah blah fucking blah, that insufferable, miserable prick.

Sean Penn continuously rambles on about George Bush, the Iraq war and the cycle of violence war causes. Yet Sean Penn never worried about the cycle of violence when he was having his violent outbursts against reporters, or when he was beating Madonna to a pulp. That’s why he was arrested twice and his marriages all ended in divorce, because of his out of control temper.

What Mental Affliction is Penn’s Brain Ravished With? Well, he was married to Madonna and dated Susan Sarandon for a while, but I’m not sure if blindness and bad taste is a mental disorder.

If I was to guess, I would say that Sean Penn is a violent psychotic. He may very well be a violent sociopath. Hell, he’s probably a violent sociopathic psychotic.

What do you think: What Mental Afflcition Ravishes Sean Penn’s Brain?

FHM released its 2008 edition of the 100 Sexiest Women in the World today, and there were a few surprises. Megan Fox took the title this year, replacing Jessica Alba who dropped to third. That’s not the surprise though, the surprise was that Britney Spears was #100.

It was just a few (three?) years ago that Britney was #1 on this list, now she has dropped to 100. The surprising part to me isn’t so much the dramatic fall for Britney, but rather that she made the list at all. I’m thinking that it must be name recognition that got her in the top 100, it sure as hell isn’t her looks, unless fat and dopey is all of a sudden the newest, hottest look.

Megan Fox isn’t a bad choice I suppose, but to have Allesandra Ambrosio come in at 47 and Adriana Lima clock in at 36, tells me all I know about the demented heads that cast their votes in this farce.

Oh, Madonna was 87 and Cameron Diaz was 18. Ya, exactly.

And my theory why Alba dropped to #3? Simple, people saw her acting skills this year.

Paris Hilton #77???

Some people would say that for a 48 year old woman Madonna looks pretty damn good. She is on a strict diet and exercise regiment, she spends a fortune on designer clothes and she is a tireless performer. With that said, who would have thought that part of her exercise regime includes sucking cannonballs through a straw? It’s as if her face is trying to crawl back into her head. I showed this picture to Skelator this morning and he said, “Fuck me, that’s some scary shit”.

Madonna is another creature that could have easily been the first choice for the most revolting woman on the planet. Hell, she could have captured the top three spots all by herself. She has managed to offend pretty much everybody in her lifetime, and she makes no qualms about it, she just goes on with her demented life, talking in a fake British accent, adopting children and harvesting them for spare parts, trying to convince people that the freak-show cult she belongs to is nothing short of normal, and of course, preaching love and tolerance by offending Christians and their beliefs.

Madonna is a real work of art. Having said that, art is subjective, and that nearly always means that art is shit. So, what that really means is that Madonna is shit. Following those lines, Madonna is true art in its purest form. Perhaps the artsiest woman I have ever seen. She has art oozing from her every pore. Yup, she’s an arthead.

From the look of that picture, you could drive a truck through the space of her teeth. Although most of us would rather drive a railroad spike through her forehead. Her vagina? Same thing, you could drive a truck or a railroad spike through it. She wouldn’t notice, she’s just go about eating her salami sandwich and listening to her IPod.

I have never found Madonna attractive, I’m not sure that I have ever met anyone that has found Madonna attractive. Even if she did have a hint of attractiveness, it is instantly wiped out by her pomposity and pretentiousness. When all is said and done, she’s just a worn out clown who made her millions by dancing like a whore and singing disgusting lyrics. So what, I can take a shit and read the newspaper at the same time, send Fenris money.

Madonna comes in #8, I wish it could be higher but we have an extremely shitty crop of losers this year, so she’ll have to take #8. There’s always next year, and hell knows, Madonna isn’t getting any better.

This is a picture of the people from the orphanage where Madonna stole baby David from. One of the founders of the orphanage has written the BBC fearing that the horrible comments Madonna made against the orphanage will translate into people pulling their funding from it:

“We have been very disturbed that the Home of Hope appears to have been described as a place where children are not cared for properly.”

“We must stress that no money has come to the Home as a result of this adoption, and the financial resources at the Home are very limited.”

“We are desperately worried that people will cease donating as a result of Madonna’s comments, and that this will make a difference between life and death for some of the most vulnerable children at the Home.”

And what did Madonna say that was so bad?

Madonna has claimed David was in an appalling state when she first saw the toddler last month.

The boy, she claimed, was suffering “the most horrendous diaper rash I’ve ever seen.”

It takes a real hero to not only steal a child out of Africa and transport it back to their laboratory for medical experiments, as no one has proven to me that Modonna isn’t doing this, but then to accuse the orphanage of not taking proper care of the baby. Wow, if Madonna had testicles they would be the size of watermelons.

Every diaper rash The Mayor has ever seen has looked like the worst one. A diaper rash is red and swollen and icky. I’ve seen quite a few in my day, as I have two legitimate children and a host of non-legitimate children. For Madonna to state that the child was suffering from “the most horrendous diaper rash I’ve ever seen”, makes me believe that is due to one of two reasons: 1) The child was barely alive, the rash was so bad that the doctors were only seconds away from surgically removing the child’s ass, or 2) That was the first time Madonna has ever seen a diaper rash.

I’ll take answer 2 for $5000, Alex. Most likely Madonut has never even seen a diaper rash before, as her kids have been raised by nannies and various other support workers. Madonna is on tour, or whoring, or whatever else the dirty bitch does on a daily/weekly/monthly basis. I’m actually surprised Madonna is even able to recognize her own children let alone know what their real names are. 10-1 she calls them *Hey you* and *what’s your face*.

Madonna endangers the lives of orphans

If you guessed that this was a picture of a gaped-tooth alien ready to chew up earths inhabitants and spit them out through the giant space between its disgusting mouth, then you are only half right. It’s actually Madonna.

Why is Madonna in the news? Maybe she has discovered a cure for cancer…oh no, that’s not it, darn. The idiot is in the news because now she’s telling all that will listen that she initially offered her stolen black African baby’s father, money to take care of his child, but he refused:

“When I met (Yohane), I said I would be happy to bring (David) back to your village and help you financially raise him,” the singer tells Vieira in the interview, which was also scheduled to continue on Dateline NBC. “And he said, ‘No.’ I think he truly felt in his heart of hearts that and who knows if he was telling me the truth that he would have a better life with me. So, when he said no, that was my sign that it was my responsibility to look after him.”

Right, Malawians are so rich that they are turning down money left, right and center. I bet he even offered Madonna a few grand to take the kid off his rich hands. Funny though, of all the hundreds of articles surrounding this crime Madonna has perpetrated, out of all the hundreds of interviews David’s father has given, this is the first time anyone has ever mentioned that Madonna offered this guy money. Sorry bitch, we’re not as stupid as you look. What else ya got?

Madonna believes racial prejudice is at the root of the objections to her adopting David. “I think it’s still considered taboo,” she says about bringing home a child of color. “I have people say to me when I’m walking down the street, ‘Why did you adopt a black child?’ I don’t dignify their question with a reply. But there is a lot of racism in the world. I think that’s underneath a lot of people’s prejudice about me adopting David.”

Do you know what they call those people who ask Madonna why she adopted a black baby? Non-existent. Cuz that never happened. Do you really think that Madonna strolls up and down the street taking questions from adoring fans, you know, just talking away to the average Joe as she power-walks? Do you think her security would allow this? Right, lying piggy.

I haven’t heard one person mention that they were upset that Madonna is adopting a black kid, no one in the world cares about that. I asked the grand wizard of the KKK if he was mad because Madonna was adopting a black kid, and the guy said, “Shit no, I’m mad because Madonna is such a lying slut and a filthy degenerate who makes white people look like trash, I actually feel sorry for the poor African-English-American baby”.

When all else fails, play the race card. Very poor, but then consider the source.

Celebitchy for the pic

80 cents a day, pig, 80 cents a day