“If you do not let my people go, I will send swarms of flies on you and your officials, on your people and into your houses.” Exodus 8:21

The feds have declared American schools *No Gun Zones*, and GWB declared Iraq a *No Fly Zone*; perhaps it’s time to steal a page from Dubya’s playbook, and have Obama declare his face a No Fly Zone.

The Mayor has never seen anything like this in his life. It’s -30 degrees in Washington, and flies are swarming the presidential carcass like he’s brought a plague upon himself. The Mayor expects at any time for the president to reach into his pocket and pull out a handful of locust, followed by Obama breaking out in boils. The Mayor isn’t taking any chances, he intends to spread the blood of a lamb on his door immediately.

It’s time for North America’s most fave internet blog happy good-time segment – MENSA Friday. If that last sentence could incorporate an echo, this place would be going berserk right now.

We have quite a few new readers lurking around Mitchieville, so The Mayor would like to expain the rules of MENSA before we start, all for the benefit of the newbies:

-The Mayor asks three questions

-You answer those questions.

The Mayor will now allow a short break so you can digest that information.

Aaaaaaaand we’re back.

It’s MENSA time, funky wunky, spunky kerplunky MENSA time.

Let’s git ‘er dun!

1) Which word below is an antonym of SIGNIFICANT?

Serious – Trivial – Absurd – Quiet – Simple

2) ROTTEN LIAR is an anagram of what 10-letter word?

3) At a recent small town election for Mayor (not Mitchieville, back down you vultures) a total of 963 votes were cast for four candidates, the winner exceeding his opponents by 53, 79, and 105 votes, respectively.

How many votes were cast by each candidate?

If there was such a thing as a Sexy Question Scale, The Mayor would say these questions are off the chart.

We’re going into the weekend and The Mayor is stoked. It’s going to be warmer, which automatically means better. Enjoy yourself out there, dress accordingly (remember – it’s all about the layers), and nanu nanu.

Thanksgiving has now come and gone for both Canadian and American Mitchievillian’s alike. The turkey is all consumed, the crappy football games have all been played, and the only memory left is a slight alcohol induced hangover and a puke stained toilet bowl. The joys of Thanksgiving, can’t wait until Christmas.

Today is Black Friday, a day where it is legal in 32 states to shoot another member of the human race in the face if he/she cuts in front of you in line. The bargains are abundant today, up to 7% off listed retail price, if you’re willing to sleep outside in line for 12 hours, and then rush through a door along with 5000 other under-retailed neanderthals. It’s all good though, cheap earbuds are God’s way of saying that it’s ok to humiliate and degrade yourself. It’s all for the deal, the bargoonies, the chance to find that very special piece of shit that you don’t want or need.

And Saturday is a new day again, the official first shopping day until Christmas. You thought today was, but it’s actually tomorrow. Today is the first official “Shoot your neighbour in the face day” if he/she cuts in front of you in line. Tomorrow is the first day where you’re not allowed to mention anything whatsoever about Christmas because you might offend someone who lacks morals, clarity, or any understanding of religion or common decency. Christmas is the best, just shut the hell up about it.

What to JDN and White Letter Andy have in common? They both correctly identified last week’s MENSA questions. They also emailed The Mayor, right out of the blue, and said that anyone who doesn’t play MENSA Friday is a total loser. That made The Mayor laugh, as honesty often gives The Mayor a chuckle. The Mayor realizes that not everyone who doesn’t play MENSA Friday is a loser, perhaps they had a perfectly good reason for not playing. Like, maybe they’re stupid. That’s a wonderful excuse that The Mayor accepts without question. So, if The Mayor doesn’t see your name in the comment section this week, he’ll just chalk that up to you being a stupid idiot. Fair enough. Let’s play us some MENSA…yuck, yuck, guffaw, chortle, snort!

1) DO REAL FILTH is an anagram for what famous leader’s name?

2) Billy and Bobby play checkers. They played five games and win the same amount, without a draw. How?

3) Five family members go for a family portrait. How many combinations of people could pose for a photo?

A) 56

B) 28

C) 31

D) 45

Put a fork in ‘er, she be dun!

Leave your comments in the appropriate section, and leave your nasty attitude at the door. Good luck to one and all, and have a wonderful weekend.

Last Friday night around 8ish, The Mayor found himself lost on a side road about 20 miles outside of our nation’s capital, Ottawa. His GPS told him he was safe and secure, but The Mayor had a feeling the GPS was wrong, as it told him he was 15 minutes outside of North Bay. Big difference. It was dark as Toby’s hole outside, not a car around, not a light around, but plenty of deer, as The Mayor found out the hard way when one ran smack dab into the front of his giant SUV.

The Mayor was going about 80 kh, the deer was doing slightly less, came out of the woods and ran right in front of The Mayor’s truck. Not a chance to miss the little bastard, The Mayor hit her dead on straight. The deer kind of leaped at the last second, smashing the grill and front end, and then bounced off the windshield, first her head, then her butt.

The Mayor put on the brakes, and for a few seconds actually had no idea what the hell happened. He looked in his side mirror and saw the deer laying on the ground. The deer then got up and started walking toward the truck. The Mayor zipped up his window, thinking the deer might be angry and was coming to get him. Stop laughing, it could have happened. The deer stopped walking, fell down again, and then got up and ran into the woods. No doubt the poor thing succumbed to internal bleeding and died shortly thereafter.

The Mayor got out of his truck to see the damage, and it was crazy. There was nothing left of the front end except for deer hair. Yet, the truck still drove. Mind you, it only made right hand turns. And that’s how The Mayor got around Ottawa for the weekend and ultimately got home. Making right turns.

Insurance says the truck is a right-off. The Mayor is fine though, not a scratch.

Looking back, The Mayor thanks his lucky stars; it could have been worse. He feels terrible for the poor critter, but that’s life, isn’t it? The truck is a right-off, The Mayor will get a new truck. The Mayor wasn’t injured, one’s health is the most important thing of all. And as for the backgammon game The Mayor was playing on his phone when the deer hit his truck? You’ll be happy to know The Mayor gammoned his opponent and won the tournament. Check and mate, asshole.

Here are today’s MENSA questions, brought to you by the union representing the bakers at Hostess:

1) If it took eight elephants eight minutes to drink eight pints of water (all at the same pace), how many elephants would it take to drink 16 pints of water in 16 minutes?

2) A certain crime is punishable if attempted, but not punishable if committed. What is it?

And your bonus question, brought to you by the union representing the bakers at Hostess:

3) Which of these is least synonymous with DISAVOW?

a) disclaim

b) repudiate

c) renounce

d) tergiversate

And that is all he or she wrote.

Wow, has it really been four months since the last time we played MENSA Friday? Seriously, The Mayor has no idea. Has it been four months? Boy, thems a lot of months. A lot can happen in four months. A lot doesn’t happen in four months as well, so you would be wise to keep that in the back of your mind.

Summer is generally a time in most folks lives when things tend to slow down. In the life of a Mayor (not THE Mayor, but A Mayor), summer is a time to kick back and relax, to recharge the batteries and get ready for the fall session of Mayordorum (it’s a word, it could be Spanish). But, as for THE Mayor, this Mayor, summer is a time when everything in his life gets kicked into high gear. Work increases ten fold, perhaps 12 – 14 fold, regardless, a lot of folds take place. Extra work, extra responsibilities, and a poo load of babies have to be kissed in the summer.

The Mayor gets a lot of emails in the summer asking why the Mitchieville site isn’t getting updated on a regular basis. Where is The Mayor, folks ask? Is he ok? Is it still possible to make a large cash donation to his re-election fund? The answers are thusly: 1) He’s closer than you think, 2) Yes, he’s fine and 3) You most certainly can, just ring that PayPal button at will.

But now The Mayor is back at his large mahogany desk, in his spacious office overlooking Mitchieville’s Town Square, ready for duty. And as part of his duty is MENSA Friday.

There are quite a few new Mitchievillian’s who may not be familiar with MENSA Friday. For those folks The Mayor sheds a tear. A heartfelt tear. But let not their ignorance tarnish this award-winning game. Let The Mayor explain this wonderful game in detail, and hope…nay, pray, that these folkage take part in what the Toronto Red Star described as “The game of the century, if you’re not playing, you suck.”

Perhaps the only thing the Red Star has been truthful about in the last 60 years.

MENSA Friday is a trivia game and has many rules. You would be wise to pay attention. Actually, pay double ++ attention, because if you miss one rule, you will be lost forever.

Here are the rules: The Mayor asks a series of questions and you answer them.

Presto magico!

Let’s git ‘er dun!

1) BIG MULE is an anagram for what country?

2) What well known phrase is depicted here?

FUNNY FUNNY WORDS WORDS WORDS WORDS

3) X and Y are unknown digits.

2 x 4 + 329 = 5Y3.

If 5Y3 is divisible by 3, what is the largest possible value of X?

The Mayor knows the answer to question 3, it’s “shut the holy hell up.”

And there you have it, the first MENSA Friday post of the glorious new season is complete.

Please leave your answers in the appropriate commentable area and may the Lord have mercy on your souls.

The Mayor did a little bit of website housekeeping last night. He was stunned and amazed, but mostly stunned, as to how many websites he had to trash because said sites haven’t updated in years, or just weren’t there any more. Alot of great writers bit the dust in the last couple of years – like that guy that use to make The Mayor laugh, or that other guy who use to tell stories, and those other folks who use to say stuff. They’ll all be missed.

If you’re one of those peoples and intend on getting back into the blogging game, let The Mayor know and he’ll send you out an application, and perhaps you can rejoin us again at some point. If you’re not on Mitchieville’s blogroll and you would like to be, just leave a comment on this post with your website and The Mayor will be happy to add you on. There are many benefits to being on Mitchieville’s blogroll, such as, 5% off at Casey’s every Thursday afternoon between 4 – 6 pm, and upward of 3 – 8 hits every fortnight.

Everyone was correct. Me say, everyone was correct. EVERYONE. Me say two thing: daylight come and me wanna go home, and, everyone was correct. The last time we played MENSA/MindTrap Trivia Teaser, The Mayor posed a series of questions and everyone got them right. It was something to behold. And The Mayor beheld it. It was something!

Today is a different day though, and The Mayor anticipates far fewer smarty panted winners’ this week. Go to hell. Damn turrets.

Let’s git ‘er dun!

1) The following breeds of horses or ponies have had letters omitted. Fill in the letters.

 P __ __ O __ __ __ O
 __ P __ A __ __ O __ A
 S __ __ T __ __ __ __

 2) What word best completes the following series?

 Apple, boxes, cherry, _________, eggplant
 A. pair
 B. plum
 C. dogwood
 D. potato

 3) What is the 11-letter word that all smart people spell incorrectly?

Good luck to youze all. New participants are welcome to play, simply leave your answers in the appropriate area (the comment section, although, if you couldn’t figure that out, maybe you should go hang out with the folks at Politico).

Every now and then The Mayor likes to switch up his trivia games between MENSA and MindTrap, with the occasional generic trivia game thrown in. Today is one of those days.

The Mayor found an article on the internets last night that can only be described as curious at best. There is some information given in the article about a *supposed* crime, yet there are many basic details that were not given out. Today we will collectively read this article, and after there will be a series of questions testing your “reading between the lines” skillz.

Let’s git ‘er dun!

BALTIMORE (WJZ)– Another mob of juveniles causes problems in downtown Baltimore. This time, it happens inside a 7-Eleven where dozens of kids came for free Slurpees but ended up stealing much more.

The entire incident was caught on video. But city police and managers at the 7-Eleven have refused to let WJZsee that video. But there are plenty of people in that busy area of town who saw it all unfold.

A nationwide 7-Eleven free Slurpee giveaway brought 35 to 40 kids into the Light Street store around 1:30 p.m. on Wednesday.

“It was a lot of kids and they were out of control,” Kesha Chester, who was at the store at the time, said.

While some kids lined up for the free Slurpee, witnesses saw other kids raiding the candy shelves.

“They went in, they started going everywhere in the store, grabbing things and then they just run out. And I knew that they didn’t buy it because they just run out,” Kendra Mellerson said. “They ran that way and they ran that way. And the guy was trying to come out and stop them but they couldn’t because there was so many.”

After some kids ran away, a store manager blocked the door to keep the rest of the kids from leaving. But those kids got so mad that the door was blocked, they started punching the store manager.

“Yes, they really started hitting that guy and he couldn’t keep getting beat on so he eventually let them out. And then they just ran,” Mellerson said.

What happened at the store is the latest example of large groups of young people creating havoc in downtown Baltimore.

On St. Patrick’s Day, police broke up several fights and disturbances as crowds of teens gathered in the Inner Harbor.

That same night, another group beat and robbed a tourist. Cameras have spotted large groups of teens roaming streets in November and caught big fights on July 4, all of it upsetting to downtown workers.

“I’m really appalled at the behavior of these teenagers. When the kids are running rampant, running amok, where are the parents?” asked one person.

The juveniles were all wearing yellow shirts and khaki pants. Police are trying to figure out what school they came from.

Police declined to be interviewed for this story.

Question 1) When writing about a crime, when the press refers to “mob of juveniles”, “teen mob”, “young people”, “teens”, and/or/plus “roving groups”, is/are said peoples they are referring to actually A) Jewish children B) Scandinavian children C) White Children D) Eskimo children E) None of the above?

2) If a crime is committed and the business that the incident occurred at refuses to show the video tape of said incident, and if the police refuse to be interviewed about said incident, did said incident actually happen?

3) Are the “kids” is the article above more or less likely to be Obama supporters?

4) Are the “unruly crowd” more or less likely to look like Obama’s son?

5) With 1 being the lowest, and 100 being the highest, what are the chances that the “youths” that perpetrated this crime don’t know who their biological father is?

An extra blue privilege token will be awarded to the person or persons who can explain why 40 of these “children” were not in school at 1:30 in the afternoon.

Good luck!

The Mayor woke up this morning singing a tune that he must have made up while he slept. The Mayor’s artisitic abilities never take a break. It’s exhausting being The Mayor. The Mayor can’t share the tune with you (he’ll have it copywritten by the end of the day), but the lyrics were a curious lot. It went something like this, “da da da ta taa da da…we all have weiners.” That was the only line in the song, but The Mayor figures with the lack of talent currently taking up space in the mucis industry, those four words shouldbe automatic winners, and will be studied in a some sort of university class in a matter of 4 – 7 years.

Many Mitchievillian’s decided to take a break from the MENSA Teaser a few week’s back, and the reasons were legion. “Couldn’t get away from work, couldn’t spare the time.” The Mayor can appreciate that. “Had to take care of my children, they’re a full-time job.” Children are our future, they come first, says The Mayor. “I developed a large, bloody boil on the tip of my funny spot. I had to take care of that.” Walk it off, says The Mayor, stop being such a pussy.

But this is a different week, you’re not at work, taking care of the kids, or taking time out to apply some sort of ointment of your pipeworks, so let’s cut the crap and get MENSAING!

1) Pear is to apple as potato is to?

1. Banana
2. Radish
3. Strawberry
4. Peach
5. Lettuce

2) I am a magic beverage. Change one letter and I am movement. Remove two letters and I am seen at night. Change one letter and I am a frame of mind. Change one final letter and I am a head covering. What was I and what did I become?

3) From my window I can see the town clock. Every day I check the clock on my mantlepiece against the time shown on the town clock. It usually agrees, but one morning a strange situation occurred. The clock on my mantle showed the time as 5 minutes to 9 o’clock; 1 minute later it read 4 minutes to 9 o’clock; 2 minutes later it read 4 minutes to 9 o’clock; 1 minute later it read 5 minutes to 9 o’clock.

At 9 o’clock I suddenly realized what was wrong. Can you tell what it was?

Enjoy the Victoria Day weekend. Drink plenty, have a ball, and don’t come back unless you have some sort of internal bruising.

We have to go all the way back to the end of March – the last time we played MENSA Friday, to find out that MPalef, Mr Fnortner, and B.C. from the Anti-Idiotarian Rottweiler , correctly identified all three MENSA questions correctly. They were not easy questions, as a matter of fact they were kind of sort of hard questions. And yet they prevailed. They put on their listening ears, their big boy pants, and got down to business. Which makes them the Smarty Panted MENSA-Headed Winners of the Week (SPMHWotW).

Congratulations one and all. That’s it. What were you expecting, a prize? Sorry, but austerity measures in Mitchieville makes that impossible. Sure, The Mayor can hook you up with welfare and “affordable housing”, but if you’re looking for a prize, you’ll go blind before you find one. Besides, a “congrats” from The Mayor is better than any stinkin’ prize you’ll get. You’ll have to trust The Mayor on that.

Let’s move on, now that last week’s greedy winners have been given a good speaking to, and let’s play some MENSA!

1)A knight is positioned on the shaded square of this chessboard. Move the knight to each square once only, collecting letters to spell out four breeds of dogs.

What are they?

2)

What number should replace the question mark?

40 – - – 13

61 – - – 20

22 – - – 7

16 – - – 5

43 – - – ?

3)

My first is in WRITE but not in DRAW

My second is in GOAL but not in SCORE

My third is in FIRE and also in HEARTH

My fourth is in HAT but not in SCARF

My last is in LAUGH but not in FUN

My whole is the third planet from the sun.

What am I?

If the answers are “I have no idea what you’re talking about”, then The Mayor is a perfect three for three this week.

Good luck to all MENSA participants. This game/life situation is open to all. Even if you haven’t played before, we welcome you with open arms. Unless you’re some sort of freak, then back off and click that “X” button in the top right corner of the screen.

Apparently, if you’re good to the guy in the picture and clap for him, he’ll rate your record high. The Mayor doesn’t exactly know what that means, but that’s the word on the street, and the street is always right.

When The Mayor stated a while back, “we will start posting more, just not today. Or tomorrow. And the rest of this week doesn’t look good. Next week kind of sucks as well. But the week after that looks to be a boon week,” he wasn’t kidding. Everything stated in those enclosed quotation marks was bang-on right. This week did suck. The week before that was no picnic, but next week is going to be great. The Mayor was so correct in his prediction that he went to the house of Kreskin, banged on his door, and when he answered, kicked him square in the nuts. The Mayor then yelled in his face, “THAT’S how you predict, you second-rate rat bastard.”

The last time we played MENSA there were multiple winners’. The Mayor does not have access to who those winners’ are, so he’ll just congratulate an empty slate and call that week a push (there’s a good chance that last sentence made little to no sense). However, this week we have new questions and there’s a good chance we’ll again have multiple winners that The Mayor will never recognize. So let’s play, let’s have some fun and move our collective money makers (again, last sentence lacked sense):

1) Which of these is least synonymous with PLENTIFUL?

A) Copiuos

B) Abundant

C) Sufficient

D) Bounteous

2) What is special about the number 8,549,176,320?

3) What number should replace the question mark in the grid?

Holy crap, where did that box come from?

That is one impressive box. The Mayor didn’t even want to use that question, but the box showed up and it looks so damn impressive that now he has no intention on taking it down. Hooray box! Boo Obama!

Good luck to all our MENSAITES. Every and all citizens of Mitchieville are encouraged to play our MENSA teaser, just jump on in and leave your answers in the appropriate section (the comment section, stupid).

Have a good day and ya, whatever.

The Mayor hasn’t been around for the past five days, and he feels he owes his constituents an explanation. He’s not actually going to give them an explanation, but he feels that he should. It’s a relief that we now live in a world that discredits responsibility and accountancy, so instead of giving an explanation, The Mayor demands that YOU give HIM an explanation as to why you are being so racist/homophobic/islamaphobic/disableaphobic and asking him so many questions that make him feel uneasy.

Check and mate.

See you at the Human Rights Tribunal. Asshole.

The Mayor was called away on business Saturday night and spent three days in New York, followed by 2 days in our nation’s capital (Ottawa, not Stirling). He drove straight to New York Saturday night from Mitchieville – 10 hours – came back Tuesday night at 11 pm, slept for three hours until 2 am, and then drove 6 hours to Ottawa. He left Ottawa last night at 9 pm and got back to the Manor at 3 am. He woke up this morning at 6 am to spend some time with a crying baby (Clare, not TLDG), and it is now 7:20 am and The Mayor is enjoying a giant tumbler of top-shelf scotch, with an accompanying side of Lay’s Salt ‘N Vinegar chips.

There. you got it all out of The Mayor. You broke the poor bastard. He hopes you are happy. He hopes you enjoyed dismantling a pillar of his community. He hopes you take great pleasure in making a grown man cry.

Speaking of MENSA winners from two week’s ago – Rob Huck (who has a great picture of a chick in a Superman costume on his website). MPalef, Mr Fnortner were them. They were and was them, and for that matter, always will be them. They are them and them are they, and never the twain shall meet. For east is east and west is west, and have a look at this chick’s breasts.

Rob, MPalef and Mr Fnortner did good. They dun well. They exceeded any expectations anyone had of them (fortunately there were ZERO expectations placed upon them). They are the MENSA-Headed Winner’s of the Week (MHWoftW), and a plaque with their name will adorn the Wall of MENSA Winner’s in the Grand Ballroom at City Hall, right next to the men’s washroom, down the hall from the snack bar and water fountain, and just down the stairs from the Diversity Center. Good shit. Good shit indeed.

Here are today’s questions, brought to you from Maaco. Oh oh, better get Maaco!

1) A fruit vendor was selling apples at one cent each, bananas at two for a cent, and pears at three for a cent. A father spent seven cants and got the same amount of each type of fruit for each of his three children. What did each child get?

2) BEST IN PRAYER is an anagram of what denomination of Christianity?

The Mayor has to say, those are some sexy questions.

Good luck to all our MENSA players. Newbies are always welcome ans encouraged to participate.

The Mayor apologized for his absence of late and will try to make it up to you by posting twice as much stupid crap today as he usually does. This post counts as two stupid crap.

Fini.

Here’s a question for you: What do JDN, HD, Mr Fnortner, and Rob Huck all have in common? The answer is they are all King’s of the Jungle. Not in the sense that they sit on large rocks all day, lazing around while pleasuring themselves orally like the filthy animal in the picture is doing, but rather that they all correctly identified BOTH MENSA questions last week. Not to say these gentlemen don’t sit around all day on large rocks, pleasuring themselves orally like the filthy animal in the picture, it’s just that The Mayor doesn’t want to assume anything. Because you know what happens when one assumes? That’s right, you make an asshole out of both you and me.

This week The Mayor has decided to ramp up the MENSA questions tenbillionfold. The questions are getting too easy, you folks need to be challenged more. Not that some of you aren’t challenged to begin with, that’s beside the point.

Here are your questions:

1) If 19/29 of the surface area of a cube is 38 inches, what lengths are its sides?

2) Start with the # of K’s on a P, deduct S’s on a CB, deduct H’s in a Dee, and the answer is zero.

What words do the letters stand for.

There you go. That’ll give you something to do as you sit around all day on large rocks, pleasuring yourself orally like the filthy animal in the picture.

Good luck to all, and to all a good night.

The Mayor was bicuriouscurious when the first MENSA Friday started in Mitchieville, so he had his outsourced, overseas IT Team look into it, and they found that November 4, 2005 was the first day MENSA was played in these parts. Imagine, 2005 – that’s nearly 15 years ago. A long time.

The Mayor was amused by the first post; it was a time of innocence, a time of curiosity, a time for every season under the sun – turn, turn, turn. And now, here we are 15 years later, with over 300 MENSA posts behind us, and what have we learned? Yes, we have learned not to anger The Mayor. You are fantastic constituents. And fast learners.

Last week there were a multitude of winners’, and those winners have names. Names like:

Mr Fnortner

Andy of the Red Letter variety 

And that’s it. That’s the multitude of winners’. The Mayor wishes he actually knew what the word multitude means.

Andy and Mr Fnortner – youze be the MENSA-Headed Winners of the Week (MHWotW)!

Where’s the confetti? The Mayor asked that after he announced the winners’ that confetti would fall from the ceiling. There is no confetti falling. Heads will roll. Heads will roll.

Today’s questions, when typed out, in English, look strikingly like the questions below:

1) You have two credit cards, each with a four digit number. The first number is four times the second. The first number is the reverse of the second. What is the first number?

A) 8644

B) 8888

C) 8712

D) 9440

2) What is the least synonymous with DISGUSTING?

A) Scornful

B) Sickening

C) Loathsome

D) Odious

It looks as though MENSA #312 went off without a hitch. That calls for some confetti. Oh right.

Heads will roll. Heads will roll.