Archive for the ‘Mitchieville Election 2008’ Category

Election Mitchieville

Thursday, September 15th, 2011

As you are all aware by now, Mitchieville’s general election has been scheduled for October 6, 2011. The Mayor would like to start off by apologizing to his fellow Mitchievillian’s for not declaring that he would be running for re-election sooner, but he was very busy the last 3 week’s helping to build an orphanage in lower Mitchieville. The Mayor always thinks of the children first, after all, children are our future.

It looks as though there will be a full slate of candidates running for Mayor of Mitchieville this election cycle, and The Mayor couldn’t be happier. This is proof positive that Democracy and the love of Mitchieville is foremost in everyones mind. To all the candidates, The Mayor wishes you well.

The Mayor would like to ask all the candidates a favour though – let’s stick to the issues this election, let’s not get into heated rhetoric and personal attacks, the constituency of Mitchieville  deserves better. The constituents of Mitchieville DEMAND more.

Heated rhetoric and personal attacks benefit no one. It doesn’t matter what your past looks like, it only matters what your future looks like. For instance, what difference does it make that Cudgel was involved in a ponzi scheme that centered around frauding the Muscular Dystrophy Association when he was 26? It doesn’t make any difference, at least not in the eyes of The Mayor. Or does it really matter that rumours abound that Mockingbird likes to dress in potato sacks, visit local libraries around town and give Red Bull drinks to pre-schoolers? Not at all, it matters not at all. It doesn’t even matter that Marc in Calgary® has been treated at walk-in clinics for an Elmer’s glue addiction (sniffy sniffy). And if that doesn’t matter, it certainly doesn’t matter that Maximus Thrax hasn’t paid taxes on his luxury cottage in northern Mitchieville for close to 30 years. And if all that doesn’t matter, why would it matter that Pizzamancer was the Grand Kleagle for the Black Panthers between 1994 – 1997? It doesn’t matter, that’s the answer.

What matters is our vision for Mitchieville going forward.

And going forward, The Mayor will release his 28 points of light. 28 ideas for a better Mitchieville. And that is exciting. VERY exciting. The Mayor is also sure the other candidates have plenty of ideas as well, and can hardly wait to hear what those ideas are. Sure, no ideas have been brought forward to date, but The Mayor is confident they will be brought forward soon. The Mayor has been told by Fenris not to hold his breath, but let’s face it, anything is possible.

Again – good luck to all the candidates, may we keep this election free from heated rhetoric and personal attacks.

Election Mitchieville

Tuesday, December 7th, 2010

We seem to have elections in Mitchieville every time there is an election. The Mayor, up to now, always wins. Lisa is the usual runner up, and has even won on from time to time.

On the eve of the Mitchieville democratic election, Fenris has announced a coup, claiming the backing of the Senate. I think not. Note the Senate is outnumbered by cabinet ministers and backbenchers seeking promotion. The will of the people is not to be abused lightly and Fenris is about to face the wrath of the other candidate’s minions who have so generously donated their time and money to fairness and change. Eating mush is not on their agenda.

Stand up for change. Resist collective autonomy enforced by tyranny. Vote Lisa for Mayor of Mitchieville on October 14th. Vote often and earnestly. If necessary, a lift to the polling booth in a bulletproof armored vehicle is available.

Election Mitchieville 2008

Wednesday, October 15th, 2008

The election results for Mitchieville Votes, 2008 are in, and they are going to shock you. I meant to live blog this last night, but truth be told, I was shit-faced. Yup, drunk like a Kennedy I was. But I’m here this morning, bright and early, ready to share these remarkable results.


The Wolves are Silent

Tuesday, October 14th, 2008

The fine upstanding citizens of Mitchieville have been eagerly awaiting the results of their democratic vote for hours now, but the Mayor has muzzled the polling stations. Do you suppose the people have scented their ballot and cast their lot with change? Are they outraged by the crumbs they receive from the current Mayor and fearful of the mush that Fenris promises? Yes they are and that is as certain as their desire for change and more money to spend on themselves.

Are we but insignificant minions that exist only to serve the Mayor and his regime? No, this is not so. The people have spoken and Sargon has provided me with the numbers:

Lisa – 2 ridings captured
Mitch – 0 ridings captured
Fenris – 1/2 riding persuaded

Mitchieville Votes 2008

Tuesday, October 14th, 2008

Today is the day that Mitchievillians go to the polls to decide if they are happy with the state of government the way it is, or if change is needed. The last poll conducted by Ipsis Read showed a rather even race between the three candidates. I know that things can change on a dime, but if the polls are to be believed, my government may be headed towards minority status.

That’s okay with me, I like minorities.


Stop Fenris

Monday, October 13th, 2008

On the eve of the Mitchieville democratic election, Fenris has announced a coup, claiming the backing of the Senate. I think not. Note the Senate is outnumbered by cabinet ministers and backbenchers seeking promotion. The will of the people is not to be abused lightly and Fenris is about to face the wrath of the other candidate’s minions who have so generously donated their time and money to fairness and change. Eating mush is not on their agenda.

Stand up for change. Resist collective autonomy enforced by tyranny. Vote Lisa for Mayor of Mitchieville on October 14th. Vote often and earnestly. If necessary, a lift to the polling booth in a bulletproof armored vehicle is available.

Securing the Foundation

Tuesday, September 23rd, 2008

If the Mayor can have two running mates, well, so can I. Motivated by an interest in correcting the sexist imbalance in this fine town, and inspired by the arts not funded by governmental handouts, I announce a second deputy male mayoral candidate that is well known to you all. A round of applause for Sargon the Magnificent if you please, and of course you all worship your resident astrologer, so an endless round of applause the collective is treated too at their own expense. Thank you everyone for wearing your loyalties on your sleeve.

Vote Foggy / Reginaldson / Magnificent for change that is truly magical, tangible and logical. Change is always good, so long as you place your X next to the proper solution.

The Opposition

Wednesday, September 17th, 2008

I have never, ever, been so filled with outrage as I am right now. My hand holding my morning scotch is trembling. The tinkling of the ice (two cubes, made from glacier water) has upset my adorable house cat, Mister Whiskers. He is now licking his paw. I can only quench my rage by licking scotch off the fingers of my ruthlessly efficient assistant, Sonjia DeSade. You can learn alot from cats.

It would be unfair to mention what horrible crimes what’s his name, ‘The Mayor’, committed in his past life, let alone the details of his botched execution that lead to improvements in the development of an alternating current distribution system. I avoid such low tactics.

Lisa keeps posting pictures of one of her boots. Why? Let us face it, is this the sort of creature that You, the People of Mitchieville, want to wake up to in the morning? Have her tell you what to do, to fetch and carry? Take a hint, my fellow citizens: Lisa, if elected, will have you polishing those boots when they are not kicking you in the arse.

Todd is not speaking much lately. Is he indisposed? Has he taken the mother ship back to the home planet? Todd’s culture is alien to many of our diverse multi-cultural cultures. He stands out in the petri dish, so to speak.

I, Fenris Badwulf, wrote this.

On the campaign trail

Tuesday, September 16th, 2008

At election time especially, the personal lives of the participants on the stage are constantly under scrutiny. The people want to know who these people are having sex with, are fascinated by what and who they eat, pay close attention to what they wear, how they transport themselves and also sniff out past sins. Never let it be said that Lisa Foggy ignores the will of the masses. With the help of my obedient servant Sargon the Magnificent, I have done my research and now have some shocking news to share with inquiring minds. It is up to the accused to disprove these most truthful allegations.

Let us begin with Mitch who will soon be dethroned if the latest opinion polls are to be trusted and I have no reason to doubt them as I am the favoured candidate in each and every one. The Mayor has clearly been having sex with his constituents. If you doubt it, just look at your raising property tax bills and the latest edition of the National Enquirer. Mitch also eats more than he admits is in his lunch bag. The little Danish Girl’s cats have been missing for well over a month, as are many of the neighbour’s feline friends. The National Enquirer has footage of Mitch with fur on his lips. That cardigan he has been wearing is covered with cat hair as is his private bulletproof float that he uses to move around Mitchieville.

Fenris Badwulf is a ruthless telemarketer and obviously not to be trusted with your daughters, wives, pets and / or money. He is the type of man who will interrupt your dinner to ask for your credit card number. More chilling still, Sargon has produced conclusive proof that Fenris is the mastermind behind the Maple Leaf listeria outbreak. If you doubt this, you only need to recall what Fenris promises to do in a total state of war.

As for Todd, we don’t know much about him because he lives in Australia. If you have ever rented an apartment from a landlord that lives in another city, then you know all there is to know about Todd. You pay your rent, but get a leaky, moldy living space in return.

Me, I am squeaky clean. My boots are polished, my long hair is combed and neatly tucked away, my kitchen is clean, and my agenda is on the table.

Vote for change you can trust in. Vote Lisa Foggy on October 14th. Change is just around the corner. I promise.

The Opposition

Tuesday, September 16th, 2008

Election in Mitchieville, eh? I, Fenris Badwulf, come to you not to slag my opponents, but to praise them.

I have nothing but respect for what’s his name, ‘The Mayor’. Recently married, he was stricken with tragedy, rendering him incapable of pleasing women, in a heteronormative sense. This on top of not having hair. You have to admire his struggle to keep his dignity in public, let alone the challenge of incontenence. He forgets things, but never the names of his legitimate children.

Lisa has a personal sex slave called Yumm-Yumm. I celebrate the hard won freedom of women to have personal sex slaves. Infact, if you read my campaign literature, you will see (under Immigration) that I advocate that all citizens have personal sex slaves, along with inside house workers and outside field hands.

Who is this Todd guy? A close mutual friend tells me that he is considering dropping out of the race to run a franchise bed and breakfast in Thailand. A great loss to Mitchieville if this happens, Todd. But this shows what an astute business man he is, who puts the health and safety of his family first. And if he happens to take the next flight out to Bangkok (the tickets are in the manila envelope marked ‘Lead or Silver’ in the top right drawer of your dresser in your bedroom, Todd, along with $10,000 in cash) I can understand. Todd is a friend of labor, too. The driver waiting outside in the Lincoln Continental to take him to the airport is a member of the Canadian Auto Workers. The driver has a torpedo tattooed over his right eye, and a stainless steel bicuspid.

I, Fenris Badwulf, wrote this. I care.

Election stuff

Monday, September 15th, 2008

My opponents are creatures of the last century. Their political campaigns only exist in the short times that our collectivist masters have allowed for the strife and contention.

I am an army of one. I have recruited like minded individuals, who also were solitary partisans. We are a war economy. My opponents live in an age of muskets and pikes. My faction lives in the present, and prepares for future war.

Like the visionary Ellsworth Toohey * , hero of the Fountainhead * , my partisans have infiltrated all aspects of life in Mitchieville. We communicate to each other by secret signs, we speak to each other in parables. We seek to improve each others financial status, to the detriment of those with ability, of those who oppose us, or those who are neutral in this struggle. My ministry is filled with incompetents, hangers on, and buffoons; but these people have the golden quality of being loyal to the cause of Fenris Badwulf, Mayor of Mitchieville. My opponents still pad about with half measures and nibble at frozen dinners.

Lisa has a food taster; I have poison. The Mayor has a fast car; I have station wagons with gun men with automatic weapons. Todd lives far away; I have dispatched Sonjia DeSade to seduce him, as a latex clad blonde, brunette, and red head. Which is better? Whom do you wish to stand between you and those that irritate? You, the People of Mitchieville, will decide.

This is not a Total War. I count these people as friends. I usually come in last in these elections. But, when Total War comes, I will use Total War methods. In war, in defence of my homeland, of my countrymen, there is no weapon, no horror that will not be embraced. No soldier who does not torture the enemy for information is not doing his duty. No officer who does not lure the enemy into minefields, into pits of sharpened stakes, into areas filled with phosgene gas, is doing his duty. No general that does not ambush and massacre will remain a general long. The blood of my countrymen is sacred; those who defile my countries soil will die, quickly if they are blessed, and slowly if they are not. Prisoners are for forced labor, or for compost. Their rations are for the women and children whom we protect. I would rather feed my neighbours yapping poodles than an enemy.

This is an election. But when Total War comes, whom do you want to bring terror and famine to the enemy? And this same ruthless application of will and force I will apply, loyally, at the direction of the next Mayor of Mitchieville. To whatever problems this person directs me to do. I am a team player. I care.

I, Fenris Badwulf, wrote this

click to enlarge; show your loyalty; makes a great desktop!

Friday Night Man Flesh

Friday, September 12th, 2008

We’ve heard a lot about change from the other mayoral candidates this past week, especially from Mitch, the current dictator of Mitchieville. Mitch has been mayor for the past decade and yet the only change seen is higher taxes, more public art celebrating the Mayor’s regime and a continued sexist imbalance, despite strong correctional gains thanks to the efforts of *BITCH*. The time for real change is finally upon us and tonight I would like to introduce you to some of my hardworking supporters. Enough of ad hominem arguments and false promises. The time for action is upon us.

The first consideration in any election that takes place in Mitchieville is security. Already, the tires on my humble campaign vehicle have been slashed – twice – a rock was throw through a window of my similarly humble abode, and one of my food tasters is dead. Once again, I have enlisted the services of my trusty bodyguard YY, also known as Yum Yum, to protect the precious hairs on my head. He never leaves my side. Indeed he shares my bed.

The enigmatic figure you see to the left is none other than Sargon the Magnificent. He is pictured here embarking on a reconnaissance mission. Armed with a photogenic memory, a bag of tea leaves and a pen and notebook, Sargon will investigate rumours that the Mayor is not actually Mitch but an impostor. On his journey, Sargon will confirm that Todd has never set foot in Mitchieville and hence not an eligible candidate for mayor and will also produce a bylaw that will prevent Fenris from naming Set the Snake God as his running mate.

Here we have Desmond. I have hired him to replace the deceased food taster. He brings a lot of experience to this position. Previously, he worked for Fenris Badwulf, but I’ve convinced him the fruits of my kitchen are more rewarding than a steady diet of prune mush and bran.

This finely dressed man is of course my running mate Reg Reginaldson. He’s been out of town for a few days on important business related to our campaign. Watch your mail for details.

Here is a rare photo of my campaign manager Dmorris. Usually, Dmorris prefers to work his magic behind the scenes, but he was so excited to receive his new hummer that he consented to have his photo taken.

I’d like to take this opportunity to remind the fine folks of Mitchieville that change requires money and lots of it at that. Unlike the current Mayor, I do not dip into the public treasury to fund my campaign. While it is true that I have plenty of volunteers working with me to change the current regime, supplies, nourishment and photocopies are needed. Contact *BITCH* if you would like to donate or volunteer your time and resources to make Mitchieville a better place.