Archive for the ‘Mitchieville's Mystery Movie’ Category

Mitchieville’s Mad Manic MesmErizing Mystery Movie

Monday, January 14th, 2013

If your Christian slave name is Ron or Rampager, then it was you(ze) that correctly identified Mitchieville’s Mad Manic MesmErizing Mystery Movie™ the last time we played. Which was a month ago. The movie was The Dead Zone. We had fun. It’s hard to believe you don’t remember.

But it was you(ze), and The Mayor couldn’t be more proud. At the time of last play, The Mayor didn’t award any prizes to our winners, but this week that is all about to change. There will be prizes awarded, and with a little luck, some third world nation voodoo, and possibly a slipped $20 into The Mayor’s mitt, you could be that winner. The Mayor will describe the prizes and such after a brief description of today’s movie.

Today’s movie was written by Mary Harron and stars Christian Bale. This movie was released in 2000, was made on a bit of a shoestring budget, but grossed well at the theatres, with about $35 million worldwide. Here is a brief description of today’s movie, brought to you by plagiarist TDSB board chaircow, Chris Spence:

A wealthy New York investment banking executive hides his alternate psychopathic ego from his co-workers and friends as he escalates deeper into his illogical, gratuitous fantasies.

The Mayor thought he had seen this movie, but after that terrible description, he’s not sure any more.

Do you know what this movie is? Ya, sure you do. You have all the answers, don’t you, hot shot? Well then, c’mon, let’s hear it. Just don’t sit there eating BBQ chips and drinking Aspartame-filled sodas, get on the puter and type.

Oh, you want to see what the prize is? Good job holding out, you’re not as stupid as Chris Spence looks.

The winner of today’s Mystery Movie will receive a copy of The Cabin in the Woods, and two other pirated movies of The Mayor’s choice. The Mayor isn’t going to give you any primo titles, for sure, but you will get some watchable movies. That’s a very good deal, considering you have zero skin in the game. Wow, put like that and The Mayor wants to recind his offer. But he won’t, because he’s a gentleman. And he needs to cull his movie collection.

So, how weze gonna do this? Simple. As simple as an inner-city grade student. First off, the winner must correctly identify today’s movie. Secondly: since there will be multiple people correctly identifying today’s movie, The Mayor has picked a number between 1 – 100,000. The person closest to that number without going over, will win today’s bag of prizes.

Fantastic.

Let’s git ‘er dun!

What movie and number am I?

Mitchieville’s Mad Manic MesmErizing Mystery Movie

Tuesday, December 11th, 2012

The year was 1983 and the Rubik’s Cube, Cabbage Patch Kid’s, and Post Smurf-berry Crunch ruled the day. The Mayor was in high school at the time, and you could always spot him by the way he rocked his denim jacket, tight stonewashed jeans, and long layered hair. He had a girlfriend at the time, but for the life of him he can’t remember her name. Although, the name “Hey You”, and “Stupid” seem to come to mind. Actually, her name might have been Stupid. The Mayor believes her name was Stupid.

Today’s movie was released in 1983 – the year of poor fashion taste. There’s a saying that fashion skips every other generation. It skipped The Mayor’s generation, but not before it set it on fire, and then doused it with the urine of ten billion lab rats.

That creepy looking freak in the picture above is no other than Christopher Walken. Brooke Adams was also a notable in this flick, and trust The Mayor, that’s the only time ever that Brooke Adams has been called *notable*.

Directed by David Cronenberg, and released in 1983, here is a brief description of the movie:

Christopher Walken wakes from a coma due to a car accident, only to find he has lost five years of his life, and yet gained psychic powers. Foreseeing the future appears to be a ‘gift’ at first, but ends up causing problems.

The Mayor hates problematic psychic abilities. At first The Mayor’s psychic abilities seemed like a gift, but now they are a pain in the ass. Like the time The Mayor saw into the future, and found out that they will no longer distribute Vanilla Coke to Canada. Talk about problematic. Talk about a life-changer. Screw you, Coke, screw you.

Do you know what this movie is? Do you have psychic abilities that are problematic? Tell The Mayor a problematic psychic story, lean on The Mayor’s ear, he’s here for you. Unless you intend to ramble on about boring stories that have no ending, then maybe it’s best to keep your ridiculous problematic psychic stories to yourself. No one likes a rambler, especially a gifted one. Asshole.

Mitchieville’s Mad Manic MesmErizing Mystery Movie

Monday, June 11th, 2012

If you’re thinking you’re looking at a picture of the first few delegates to this years Democrat convention, you are only partially right. Sure, that’s a picture of zombies, they’re harvesting body parts, and none of them work and rely on the taxpayer for their useless existance, but having said all that, they aren’t actually democrat delegates. They are part and parcel of today’s Mystery Movie©.

Speaking of zombies that will rip your gut out and eat your bloody heart, The Mayor’s brutha from anutha baby mutha and Mr Fnortner correctly identified last week’s mystery movie. There were probably a few other zombies that did as well, but as The Mayor went to take a boo at the correct gueesees, he sneezed and inadvertently shut down the screen he was looking at. To go back and open up that page again seems like a ton of work. So, it aint gonna happen.

“Every dead body that is not exterminated becomes one of them. It gets up and kills! The people it kills get up and kill!

Not only that, the people THEY kill get up and kill and so on and so forth. In other words, we are doomed. You can stick your bug out bag up your pooper because it is useless now. Man, we are all going to die. DRAG! However, when The Mayor bites it and comes back to life, there’s a neighbour down the street he’s been dying to kill, so upsides and abundant, he supposes.

Following an ever-growing epidemic of zombies that have risen from the dead, two Philadelphia SWAT team members, a traffic reporter, and his television-executive girlfriend seek refuge in a secluded shopping mall.

If a zombie attack happens, The Mayor will most certainly head for a mall, where he will feed Abercrombie and Fitch employees to any zombie that will take ‘em. That’ll teach you zit-faced pukes to spray that crappy perfume everywhere.

The movie we are talking about today is pretty darn fine, and fits right in to the genre The Mayor enjoys the most: horror. The more horror the better. Plus, the word horror, when said very quickly sounds exactly like *whore*, and that makes The Mayor giggle. Mostly because he’s immature.

What movie am I?

Mitchieville’s Mad Manic MesmErizing Mystery Movie

Monday, June 4th, 2012

“Best thing you can do for him, pilgrim, is make him rest easy while he waits till the end. Anything he drinks is on the house. And then you can bury him out back and away from the hogs. And it won’t cost much. I’ll even carve him a nice head marker. Twenty-five dollars sound about right? The ground is kind of hard this time of year… and the diggin’ ain’t easy.”

Thaaaars Lee Majors takin’ aim with his Winchester 1873, 44-40 Cal. First generation rifle, it is. It’s the same rifle ex-wife Karen Valez insisted Lee take to bed when he made love to her. She’d be like, “Oh Lee, get all bionic on me and smack me with the butt-end of your Winchester (naked picture of perverted Karen Valez here, here and here). 

If you aren’t sure what movie this is yet based on the multiple clues The Mayor has already given you, prepare yourself for a clue extravaganza, pilgrim!

An aging cowpoke, takes a job on a ranch which requires him to ride the line of the property looking for trespassers or, worse, squatters. He finds that his cabin in the high mountains has been appropriated by a woman whose guide to Oregon has deserted her and her son. Too ashamed to kick mother and child out just as the bitter winter of the mountains sets in, he agrees to share the cabin until the spring thaw. But it isn’t just the snow that slowly thaws; the lonely man and woman soon forget their mutual hostility and start developing a deep love for one another.

Starring Charleton Heston, Lee Majors, Donald Pleaseance, Slim Pickins, and Joan Hackett as the love interest, this movie made The Mayor’s top 100 Westerns of all time, even though it could be considered a love-type movie. The Mayor is a romantic, he loves the smell of vanilla and desperation.

What movie am I, pilgrim?

Mitchieville’s Mad Manic MesmErizing Mystery Movie

Monday, May 7th, 2012

“Pompey, go find Doc Willoughby. If he’s sober, bring him back.”

For the next ten week’s – count ‘em, TEN! – The Mayor will be counting down his top ten most favourite western’s of all time. He will also be integrating his top ten western’s into the mystery movie segment, making the new title of this particular piece, Mitchieville’s Mad Manic MesmErizing Top Ten Western Mystery Movies Of All Time (MMMMTTWMMoAT). Wow, what a catchy title! Kinds rolls off the tongue with ease, donit?

At number ten comes a John Ford directed movie (get use to hearing that for the next ten week’s), starring James Stewart, John Wayne and Vera Miles, Lee Marvin, David Carradine, Red Letter Andy, pretty much every important person on the western circuit at the time.

This flick was filmed in 1962, and according to IMDb, this is what it is all about:

A senator, who became famous for killing a notorious outlaw, returns for the funeral of an old friend and tells the truth about his deed.

Actually, it’s about more than that, but if you had any more information your head could quite possibly explode. And The Mayor will not be responsible for that. And he aint cleaning it up, either.

Here’s another quote form the movie:

Nora Ericson: Poppa – go put your pants on!

Haha – ya, go put yer pants on, you ornery son of a biznitch!

What movie Am I? Tell me, I have no identity! Help identify me, you buncha powpokes!

Mitchieville Mystery Movie

Saturday, April 28th, 2012

Quite the interesting movie.

An evil king used foreign mercenaries to restore his oppressive rule. The mercenaries are of a different religion.

Lots of sword fights.

Mitchieville’s Mystery Movie

Saturday, April 21st, 2012

This movie reminds me of my youth in Erin township. All those abandoned bunkers where they did military medical experiments during the war; then after, they used the captured Nazi time travel scientists.

Mitchieville’s Mad Manic MesmErizing Mystery Movie

Monday, April 2nd, 2012

Terrible news coming out of Florida, as it is being reported that two more of the Food Stamp President’s© children have been shot to death, and another 14 of his siblings injured, in what is being described as “the worst mass shootings in South Florida history.”

No word on which race the shooter(s) are, but eyewitness accounts tag them as either white/black, white/Hispanic, white/Arab, white/Asian, and white/white/non-black. Stay tuned for further details as they become available.

Today’s movie has been described as sexy, great in bed, pleasant on the eyes, and a real catch. Oops, that’s not a description of today’s movie, but rather the caption under the picture of The Mayor’s yearbook photo. If you knew The Mayor on a personal level, you would agree that was an honest mistake.

If you’re looking at the picture above and trying to make head or tails out of it, it’s not a picture of what the average American will look like after 8 years of Obama’s economic successes, but rather it’s a picture of today’s movie. It stars Christian Bale, Jennifer Jason Leigh, and some other creature whose name is impossible to say let alone type. Directed by Brad Anderson, this flick was released in 2004. As far as what the plot looks like, The Mayor refers to the below paragraph:

Trevor Reznik is a lathe-operator who suffers from insomnia and hasn’t slept in a year. Slowly, he begins to doubt his sanity as increasingly bizarre things start happening at work and at home. Haunted by a deformed co-worker who no one seems to think exists, and an ongoing stream of indecipherable Post-It notes he keeps finding on his fridge, he attempts to investigate what appears to be a mysterious plot against him and, in the process, embroils two women in his madness.

The Mayor remembers seeing this movie when it first came out, and he walked away not knowing whether he liked it or hated it. There is no middle ground. He then saw this movie again for the second time last night. Same thing. Not sure which if it’s good or bad. So, The Mayor figures if it didn’t leave an impression on him either way, the movie sucks. Your mileage may vary.

That’s it. The Mayor has nothing more to offer. Other than he wants to see that Zimmerman guy fry, mostly because he gives us white/Latino’s a bad name.

What movie am I?

Mitchieville’s Mad Manic MesmErizing Mystery Movie

Monday, March 5th, 2012

There was nary a soul that didn’t recognize Fargo as last week’s mystery movie. Nary a soul, I tells ya! The nary a soul crowd includes DMorris, Mr Fnortner, Soylent Green, HD, MPalef, Buck, Delta Dog, and Andy. That’s a lot of naryness going around. By The Mayor’s count, there’s 8 nary a souls that correctly identified this movie.

That’s good stuff. That’s some really good stuff. Oh ya, good stuff.

Today’s movie sucks. Why Scorsese ever directed this dog, no one will ever know. It was released in 1974 and starred Ellen Burstyn and Kris Kristofferson. The Mayor remembers getting through about 15 minutes of this slime-pit of a movie before he threw an anger fit and roundhouse kicked his ex girlfriend’s TV set through a wall. The Mayor packs a powerful roundhouse kick that can easily kill a human and destroy any number of inanimate objects. Like TV sets and liberal voters.

Here is a brief description of this movie, brought to you by someone who owns every Twilight movie on Blueray:

When Alice Hyatt is suddenly widowed after years of domesticity, she decides to travel to Monterey, California with her 11-year-old son Tommy to resume a singing career. In Phoenix, Arizona she gets a job singing at a piano bar and begins a relationship with Ben, who turns out to be married and a spouse abuser. In Tucson, she puts her dream of singing on hold and becomes a waitress. She meets a farmer, David and begins to think about a new life of domesticity.

“When Alice Hyatt is suddenly”, that’s when The Mayor roundhoused his ex girlfriend’s TV through a wall. It was all very manly, The Mayor should have ripped his shirt off first for effect, but decided to leave the theatrics until a later date.

Do you know what movie this is? No, it doesn’t make you gay if you do. OTOH, it doesn’t make you straight either, but…

Ok, here’s the deal – just identify the movie and move on. No one will make any comment about your masculinity, we’ll all act as grown-ups. Deal? Deal.

So, what movie is this, ladies?

Mitchieville’s Mad Manic MesmErizing Mystery Movie

Monday, February 27th, 2012

It was mentioned to The Mayor via a computer letter, that the Mystery Movie segment would be better if The Mayor gave away a prize to the winner(s) of each week. The Mayor pondered this suggestion, he really gave it a lot of though, and came to the conclusion that yes, it would be better if he did give away a prize each week. Unfortunately, due to austerity measures in Mitchieville, that won’t be happening any time soon. However, The Mayor does thank the originator of said computer letter for his/her timely input. the Mayor hopes you have a great day.

The picture from the mystery movie above, is one of The Mayor’s favourite flicks. He’s seen it no less than two times. Wowzee! The first time he saw it was in a movie theatre, and after the movie finished, the Mayor turned to his freind and said, “that was a good movie.”

True story. Tell your friends.

Today’s mystery movie has two of the Mayor’s favourite actors in it: Steve Buscemi, and William Macy. Top notch actors. And, as with every movie Steve Buscemi is in, he ends up getting killed.

Here is the plot of today’s movie, brought to you by a college educated person:

IMDbPro.com offers representation listings for over 80,000 individuals, including actors, directors, and producers, as well as company and employee contact details for over 30,000 companies in the entertainment industry.

This is the story of a car salesman whose inept foray into crime turns into disaster. The salesman, brilliantly played by William H. Macy, hires two bumbling small time criminals to kidnap his wife. The plan is to collect the ransom from his rich father-in-law (Harve Presnell) and split it with the kidnappers. The two kidnappers, Carl Showalter (Steve Buscemi) and Gaear Grimsrud (Peter Stormare), have no idea that the car salesman is trying to cheat them by lying about the size of the ransom. The quiet Gaear Grimsrud is probably the more interesting of the two kidnappers. He’s been referred to by viewers of the film as “Mr. Personality”. The scheme eventually goes awry and the kidnapping turns to murder.

That doesn’t sound like the movie The Mayor saw twice, the movie The Mayor saw was interesting.

And maybe you saw this movie as well, and would now like to click on the commentable section of this post, leaving an answer as to which mystery movie this is. That is how this game is played. If, ion fact, this is a game.

What movie am I?

Mitchieville’s Mad Manic MesmErizing Mystery Movie

Tuesday, February 7th, 2012

If you go by the name of Paul Mitchell(who is having “Blackuary” grace his pages once again this year), Andy, Marc in Calgary, or John S, your answers to the last Mystery Moviewere completely and utterly wrongola. Amusing, yes. Correct, no. No blue privilege token, no pass go, no tickie no laundry, round eye.

OTOH, if you go by the name of Dmorris, MPalef, Pizzamancer, Mr Fnortner, Hazy Dave, or Uncle Scott, you shore do know your mystery movies. More specifically, you shore do know you Westerns. Or do you?

Why did The Mayor just phrase that last sentence the way he did? Was he being feces? Darn, that’s not the word – he meant, was he being fecesious? Feceus? Faciteous? Facidious? Facitious? Facetious? Yes, that’s it. Was The Mayor just being facetious?

No, no he wasn’t. And he wasn’t being anything that involves feces, either.

Today we have The Mayor’s favourite western of all time. Directed by John Ford, this movie was based of Alan Le May’s novel from a few years earlier. It stars John Wayne, Jeffrey Hunter, Vera Miles, Natalie Wood, Ward Bond, and a host of other dead, or dying, super-duper acting stars.

Here is a brief description, given to you by a man with a runny nose and large ears:

Ethan Edwards, returned from the Civil War to the Texas ranch of his brother, hopes to find a home with his family and to be near the woman he obviously but secretly loves. But a Comanche raid destroys these plans, and Ethan sets out, along with his 1/8 Indian nephew Martin, on a years-long journey to find the niece kidnapped by the Indians under Chief Scar. But as the quest goes on, Martin begins to realize that his uncle’s hatred for the Indians is beginning to spill over onto his now-assimilated niece. Martin becomes uncertain whether Ethan plans to rescue Debbie…or kill her.

There is so much greatness about this film that The Mayor has decided to say nothing more about it. Its greatness stands by itself, a testament to…ahhh, whatever. How about diversity. Yes. It is a testament to diversity. And global warming.

What movie is this?

Mitchieville’s Mad Manic MesmErizing Mystery Movie

Monday, January 23rd, 2012

The Mayor is a big supporter of the environment. Everybody knows this. If there is a cause, whether useful or not, that involves the environment, expect The Mayor to get behind it. The Mayor loves the environment so much that if it was 5 billion years younger and put on a bit of make-up, The Mayor would totally bone it. Having said that, today in Mitchieville it is 50 degrees. January 23 and 50 degrees. This is being blamed on “climate change”. Good weather is being blamed on “climate change”.

That’s a problem for The Mayor. You see, although The Mayor loves the environment and would bone it under certain conditions, this “climate change” is really bringing a smile to The Mayor’s face as well. It’s as if the environment showed up to The Manor one Saturday night wearing only a raincoat with nothing underneath, and in its hands it was carrying a 26 of CC and a bag of Burger King. Mmmmmm, The Mayor is going to teach the environment a lesson tonight. BUT, the next night Climate Change shows up, dressed as a Catholic school girl, and in her hand she has a 40 of Gibson’s and a bag of Swiss Chalet. Mmmmmm, The Mayor is going to make Climate Change walk funny for a month.

And there you have it. The environment is great and all, but Climate Change is one sexy beast with great taste in booze.

Anyway, enough of your silly fantasies, we have a game to play.

Last week, a gentleman that goes by the name of Tom Clark, as well as MPalef, Mr Fnortner and Scott Smith, correctly identified Vanishing Point as Mitchieville’s mystery movie. And we should all be very proud of them. The conquered all. They lifted up their collective fists and smashed the glass ceiling. No more sitting at the back of the bus for them,their place is now secure in the middle of the bus. Kind of more at the 3/4 mark from the back, but not right at the back any more. They are warriors. The will never be your biznitches.

And for that they get a hearty handshake and a manly slap on the back. Good job, mates, The Mayor hopes you have a profitable day.

Today’s movie stars Clint Eastwood, Sandra Locke and the great and wonderful Big Chief Dan George. On a side note, Indian’s don’t go naturally bald. Think about it.

Today’s movie is one of The Mayor’s favourite flicks of all times. He’s seen it a good 20 times and expects to see it another 4-5 times before he dies. Not that he’s dying or anything. Like, you haven’t heard anything, have you?

Here is a brief description of today’s movie by a man with a limp, an unusually big appetite for such a scrawny soul, and a chip on his shoulder that will never go away:

 ____________ makes his way west after the Civil War, determined to live a useful and helpful life. He joins up with a group of settlers who need the protection that a man as tough and experienced as he is can provide. Unfortunately, the past has a way of catching up with you, and ___________ is a wanted man.

And there you have it.

We had a good time this morning - we had a few laughs, shared a few stories, and really got to know each other. And for that, The Mayor thanks you. But now it’s time to get down to business, compadre.

What movie is I?