Archive for the ‘Mitchieville's Mystery Movie’ Category

Mitchieville’s Mad Manic MesmErizing Mystery Movie

Monday, October 3rd, 2011

When The Mayor chose American Beauty as last week’s mystery movie, he honestly thought there wouldn’t be anyone able to guess it, especially considering the lack of decent clues he gave his constituents. But nay and ahk, Rhebner, MikeG81, Wolfie, Mr Fnortner and D Morris all guessed American Beauty. And that angrily surprised The Mayor. Not pleasantly surprised him, but angrily surprised him. The Mayor has a tendency to get angry over the smallest things, and when you successfully guess the mystery movie that he tried so hard to stump you on, well, that’s one thing that makes him go nutty.

This is a different week though. And The Mayor knows it’s a different week by the markings on his calendar. And with a different week comes a different mystery movie. That’s how it works around here. Unless The Mayor is busy. Then nothing works around here.

Today’s mystery movie was directed by Ron Howard (the cute little shit on that Andy of Mayberry show back in 19 dickety doo), written by George Lucas (rhymes with mucus), and stars such notables as Val Kilmer, Joanne Whalley, and Warwick Davis (and Billy Barty – can’t forget the Billy Barty).

Here is a brief description of this movie, brought to you by people that speak in short sentences:

A reluctant dwarf must play a critical role in protecting a special baby from an evil queen.

The Mayor clearly remembers not wanting to see this movie when it came out in 1988. He dreaded seeing it. The Mayor’s angry, bitter troll of a girlfriend at the time talked The Mayor into seeing this flick. The Mayor thought it was going to be a movie about “feelings” and such, and when he heard there were midgets involved in the movie, that made his decision final.

But a strange thing happened on the way to the theatre. The Mayor’s friend phoned him and said that he just saw this movie. He told The Mayor that it had a low suckability factor, and that if I saw it I would be pleasantly surprised.

“But what about the midgets? The Mayor inquired.

“You really have to get over the whole midget thing” he said.

“But they have tiny arms and enormous heads!” The Mayor exclaimed.

“Seriously, you have to get over it, they’re humans for crying out loud.”

And even though The Mayor never did get over his fear of midgets, he did see this movie and enjoyed it.

True story. Tell your friends.

What movie is this?

Mitchieville’s Mad Manic MesmErizing Mystery Movie

Monday, September 26th, 2011

The Mayor was quite surprised that so many people correctly identified The Big Chill as last week’s mystery movie, especially considering the limited amount of information The Mayor gave out. “What movie has a bum-load of annoying liberals in it, they talk about their feelings, and the soundtrack is really good?” Hmmmm, is it The Big Chill?

Ryan, Pizzamancer, Dmorris, Andy, Mr Fnortner, Buck, Retired Geez, and Jerry Mathers as the Beaver, were all in on the correct answer. And all Mayor supporters to boot. That’s great, it’s just great.

The Mayor would be surprised if any more than two Mitchievillian’s guess today’s mystery movie. Let’s get a recap of today’s movie, brought to you by some chain-smoking reprobate who probably cleans his filthy ears out with the end of his pencil:

Lester Burnham, a depressed suburban father in a mid-life crisis, decides to turn his hectic life around after developing an infatuation for his daughter’s attractive friend.

Man, who among us hasn’t lived that? Oh right, The Mayor’s daughter is only two years old. Awkward.

The cast for this movie consists of Kevin Spacey, Annete Bening, Thora Birch, Wes Bentley, and the ever so scrumptious Mena Suvari. Wow, what an exotic name you have there, Mena, where abouts are you from? From Rhode Island? You’re freaking joking me! Rhode fricking Island you say? How very exotic.

Sam Robards and Scott Bakula are also in this flick.

And here’s a picture of the exotically named Mena Suvari in a bathing suit, showing off her crack-hugging apparel and her idiotic back tattoo. And here’s another cute pic of Mena. And here’s a picture of a boxer dog smoking a cigar. Try telling me that’s not great.

What does that tat on Mena’s back say? “Word, Sound, Power.” Hahaha, The Mayor is sure Mena will never have any regrets whatsoever about that tat. Even 20 years from now.

Boy, how many more hints do you need until you figure this movie out? The Mayor has given you a handful of pearls, yet you have taken his pearls and brought them down to Tony’s Pawn Shop and Fish Emporium and sold said pearls for literally pennies on the dollar. Pearls don’t grow on tress, you know. Oh, and watch the price of copper this week, copper is a good indicator as to where the economy is going. And the answer to that is down. The economy is going down. Man, The Mayor is still trying to get over that ridiculous tattoo Mena has on her back. What a hot, yet stupid fool.

What movie is dis?

Mitchieville’s Mad Manic MesmErizing Mystery Movie

Monday, September 12th, 2011

Last week’s mystery movie segment garnered a lot of attention from a bunch of different groups and peoples. Ken Kline from the The Globe & Mail said, “Mitchieville’s mystery movie was riviting, it kept me on the edge of my seat.” Eulissa Snotpudding from the National Post said that last week’s mystery movie segment was “Pure entertainment, I wished it had never ended.” And Ross Greenmower from the Toronto Star said, “I love to fondle myself in public places, always have and always will.”

Wow, that is a little bit of creepy, Ross.

And speaking of cool car speakers, Fenris, Delta Dog, Ryan and Pizzamancer all correctly identified The Lost Boys as last week’s mystery movie. Ize tells ya, vampire movies are money in the bank, yo.

Congrats to all the above names that nailed the right answer to last week’s mystery movie. The Mayor is awfully proud of you. He’s beaming with pride. The last time The Mayor was this proud was the time he learned to tie his own shoelace. Man, 1997 doesn’t seem that long ago.

Today’s mystery movie was fairly decent. On a scale of 37.4, The Mayor would rate it 26.285. That’s actually pretty good. Let’s see what some guy who has a cleft lip and walks funny has to say about today’s mystery movie:

Seven friends from college are reunited for a weekend and re-evaluate their lives and goals.Harold and Sarah Cooper put their marital troubles on hold while they host a reunion of their old college pals gathered for the funeral of one of their own, a suicide victim named Alex. As the weekend unfolds, the friends catch up with each other, play the music of their youth, reminisce…

Blah, blah freaking blah blah blah. Did The Mayor mention he approved of this movie? Because based on the description above, it would seem impossible that The Mayor would watch something so incredibly chickish and still like it. Perhaps The Mayor was glowing on a pail of whiskey when he first saw this flick. That must be it. Damn it, that MUST be it.

Do you know what today’s mystery movie is? Would you be kind enough to participate in today’s game? Awwwwww, thanks much, that is so good of you. Let’s do lunch some time. You pay, of course.

Mitchieville’s Mad Manic MesmErizing Mystery Movie

Monday, September 5th, 2011

It has been a while since we engaged in a game of Mitchieville’s Mad Manic MesmErizing Mystery Movie (MMMMMM)®, but The Mayor woke up this morning with a movie in mind, headed straight for the computer, (after a quick stop to the pisser and another quick stop to the kitchen to get a bloody Caesar) logged on and started typing up this post. True story, tell your friends.

And here we all are, reading The Mayor’s words, waiting for him to drop a few hints about today’s mystery movie. How very exciting. How very, very exciting. Typically, we would look to see who the winner of the last mystery movie game was, shower them with false praise and platitudes, offer them a gift that generally doesn’t exist, and then move along; but today we will just move along and not worry about winners and losers. Hell, if it makes you feel better, you’re all winners. Or, if it makes you feel even better, you’re a winner and everyone else is a loser. Or, if you are some sort or twisted malcontent, you’re a loser and so is everyone else. Hmmm, last one – or you can be a loser and everyone else can be a winner. That’s pretty sweet. Enjoy your day in paradise, loser.

Here is a brief description of today’s movie, written by someone who most likely lounges around in their gotchies, picking out crap from their bellybutton with a pretzel stick:

A mother and her two sons move to a small coast town in California. The town is plagued by bikers and some mysterious deaths. The younger boy makes friends with two other boys who claim to be vampire hunters while the older boy is drawn into the gang of bikers by a beautiful girl. The older boy starts sleeping days and staying out all night while the younger boy starts getting into trouble because of his friends’ obsession.

Today’s mystery movie *stars* Corey Haim, Corey Feldman, Corey “Kiefer” Sutherland, and a glob of other Corey’s. It’s like going to a Coreyfest. Careful not to get any on ya. You may want to wear a tarp just in case.

The Mayor really enjoyed this movie, it had its moments. It was released at a time when vampire movies weren’t the *in* thing. Unlike today, where we are gang-splashed with stupid vampire movies that are more about love and teen angst and other equally obnoxious subjects and topics than they are about blood and gore. Spit. Gag. Vomit.

Thems enough hints, The Mayor is quite sure you already know what today’s movie is, but are just biding your time, making The Mayor wait on your answers. That’s right, hoist The Mayor up on tenterhooks, the tension is killing him.

Good luck and good huntin’!

Mitchieville’s Mad Manic MesmErizing Mystery Movie

Monday, August 15th, 2011

What’s the difference between Ryan, Red Letter Andy from Calgary, the Delta Dog, and the rest of the population of Mitchieville? Ryan, Andy and the Delta Dog correctly identified Support Your Local Sheriffas last week’s mystery movie, while the rest of Mitchieville sat at home, picking the bulging, bloody lumps on their necks while pleasuring themselves to old episodes of Hogan’s Heroes. Freaking perverts. Freaking, bloody neck picking perverts.

But not Ryan, Andy and the Delta Dog, no sireeeeee. They’re not a bunch of bulging, bloody neck pickers. Uh uh. They be winners. They are the cream of the crop. Their necks are clean. You will not find a single abcess on any of their necks. They are disease free. But that was last week, what have they done for us lately?

Today’s movie features a few “alternative lifestyle” actors – Nicky Cage and Kathy “John” Travolta. Here is how the movie is described by someone who wears tight clothing and touches themselves inappropriately in ice cream stores:

A revolutionary medical technique allows an undercover agent to take the physical appearance of a major criminal and infiltrate his organization.

Have you ever noticed how many things are considered “revolutionary”? “Crinkle nail polish by Loreal is “REVOLUTIONARY”. “Wink’s Chips are “Revolutionary.”

When The Mayor hears about something being “revolutionary”, he expects there to be a whole poo load of death and destruction accompanying said “revolution.” Put another way, if there aren’t bodies lined up like cord wood, that aint no revolution.

The Mayor saw today’s mystery movie, and he disliked it. Although, some folks actually gave this flick positive marks. The Mayor understands not why they did such things, yo? That last sentence was in fact a sentence. Re-read it if you don’t believe The Mayor.

What The Mayor doesn’t understand is how on earth a Nicky Cage movie got any positive marks. It’s a Nick Cage movie, for crying out load.

Thems enough hints, what is today’s mystery movie?

Mitchieville’s Mad Manic MesmErizing Mystery Movie

Monday, August 8th, 2011

The Mayor thought he had everyone stumped last week when he posted Tremor’s as the mystery movie. But The Mayor stumped no one. No one was stumped. Jon, G.T., Ryan, The Retired Geez, they ALL knew Tremor’s was the mystery movie. But this week will be different, for The Mayor has chosen a movie that only a chosen few might possibly know. It is a great movie, don’t get The Mayor wrong, but it is an old movie, a movie with wrinkles.

Today’s mystery movie dates back to 1969. You might not remember 1969, or then again, you might. America was at war, the smelly hippies were acting like the useless, smelly idiots that they were (they then went on to suck the system dry and put the whole world at financial risk through their greediness), turmoil rules the day, things were bleak. But then this movie came out and everything got better overnight.

Today’s mystery movie stars James Freaking Garner, Joan Hackett, the wonderful Harry Morgan, and the great Walter Brennan. Here is a brief and pretty accurate description of today’s movie, as seen through the eyes of a one-eyed man:

McCullough (James Garner) is “passing through on my way to Australia” when he takes a job in a gold rush town. After a startling display of marksmanship he immediately arrests the youngest son (Bruce Dern) of the evil landowner Danby (Walter Brennan). A battle of hired guns begins as McCullough and his reluctant deputy Jake (Jack Elam) continues to tame the town and defeat the gunslingers with a combination of skill and wit.

Sullllam dunk!

Here is a quote from today’s mystery movie:

Henry Jackson: We are gathered here today to consign the mortal remains of Millard Frymore… or whatever his name really was. I ain’t really got a whole lot to say about Millard because he only rode amongst us two days ago, and was promptly struck down by whatever deadly disease it was struck him down. We can only hope that whatever deadly disease it was, it wasn’t particularly contagious. And with that in mind, I suggest we all bow our heads in devout prayer.

That’s pretty funny.

Good luck with today’s mystery movie, yer gonna need it.

Mitchieville’s Mad Manic MesmErizing Mystery Movie

Monday, August 1st, 2011

If you’ve been wondering what Jon and Ryan have been doing lately, well, they’ve been playing Mitchieville’s Mad Manic MesmErizing Mystery Movie game and correctly identifying every and all movies The Mayor throws their way. For instance, the last time we played, Jon and Ryan said Tommy Boy was the mystery movie du jour. And they were correct. What did you guess? Nothing. You guessed nothing. You knew the answer but decided not to participate. That’s the type of thing commies would do back in the old days. The old days being 1973. Perhaps you’re a commie. Perhaps you think it’s cool not to participate. Nice. That’s just great. Commie.

Today’s movie starred Kevin Bacon and…and….and….Fred Ward? That’s it? Hardly a star-studded cast. Anyhew, here is what some sort of organization and or person had to say about this movie:

Natives of a small isolated town defend themselves against strange underground creatures which are killing them one by one.

Today’s movie dates back to 1990. You were merely a kid back then. You probably didn’t even have hair growing on your cock yet.

Out of 177, The Mayor would give today’s mystery movie a solid 122.3. Your mileage might vary.

What movie is this? It’s a mystery. Hence the title of this segment.

The Mayor will ask again – what mystery movie is this? And, who’s yer daddy?

Mitchieville’s Mad Manic MesmErizing Mystery Movie

Friday, July 22nd, 2011

Last week’s mystery movie was hosted by Fenris Badwulf; he took the helm because The Mayor was away on official Mayor-type business in another part of the world. That *other part of the world* The Mayor is referring to is quite exotic, glamourous, mysterious yet alluring. The Mayor is talking about Windsor Ontario, of course. The city that *Motorvates* you.

But The Mayor is back on non-exotic ground and ready to play the mystery movie game again. If that doesn’t excite you, if that doesn’t get your motor running, if that doesn’t send a chill up your spine, well, you have no heart let alone a soul, Tinman.

Here is how today’s mystery movie is described by The Mayor of Mitchieville:

Chris Farley and that little weasel travel across America trying to sell brake parts in order to keep Farley’s dead father’s business running. Along the way there is hijinx – YES, hijinx – and everyone laughs because Chris Farley was an amazingly funny guy.

There is not a doubt in The Mayor’s mind that he will receive no less than 5 calls today from various entertainment outlets begging him to come on board and write movie reviews for their publications. And The Mayor will tell these publications the same thing he told the Queen of England last week when they were sitting down for lunch drinking tea and eating strumpets – “Sorry, but there is no way Homey will ever work for The Man.”

And The Mayor means that, from the bottom of his sickly looking but yet beautiful heart.

And those are the only clues you get regarding today’s mystery movie. You need not one clue more. Besides, if you don’t know this Chris Farley movie, you are to be treated like the bottom feeder The Mayor caught last week while fishing along the Saugeen – beaten with a canoe paddle and thrown to the black bear cubs. Sure, that’s harsh, but you need to be taught a lesson, you have been a lot more than naughty recently.

What is today’s mystery movie?

Mitchieville’s Mad Manic MesmErizing Mystery Movie

Sunday, July 10th, 2011

The Mayor always picks movies that are too challenging for ability challenged people to figure out the mystery. I figure it would be a better idea to have a video clip of the movie, rather than a still, but the movie I want to highlight as a mystery is not embeddable according to YouTube. They must be a bunch of meanies.

Here is the link, anyway * * *

Mitchieville’s Mad Manic MesmErizing Mystery Movie

Monday, July 4th, 2011

For the love of God, McQueen, didn’t ya see the fence?\

Everyone and their three-legged dog and their idiot cousin Lou knew that Lone Wolf McQuade was last week’s mystery movie. What’s that? There was only one person who correctly identified last week\s mystery flick? The Mayor bets it was Ryan, wasn’t it? Without even looking, The Mayor is telling you right here and now that it was Ryan who correctly guessed Lone Wolf McQuade as last week’s mystery movie?

Do you know how The Mayor knows that? Everyone else was too busy defending the honour of Chuck Norris to participate in last week’s segment. Good job folks, Chuck sends his regards. As a matter of fact, he also said he would like to mouth kiss every guy in Mitchieville. Real straight hero you have there folks, real straight.

This week’s movie stars Steve McQueen, James Garner and Richard Attenborough (no one called him Dick). Charles Bronson, James Coburn and James Donald (if your name wasn’t James, chances are you weren’t in this movie). What a cast, what a freaking amazing cast. That is a level of cool that will never be seen again in our lifetime. What do we have to compare that with nowadays? “There’s a new movie out starring Homo Johnson, Equal Rights for Queers Jamieson and Corkblower Smith!”

Here is a description of today’s 1963 classic movie that was the top box office draw of that year:

Allied POWs plan for several hundred of their number to escape from a German camp during World War II.

El slamo dunko with that description.

Easy peezie lemon squeezy. The Mayor is sure you have already figured this one out, but for the sake of filling up white space, leave your commentables in the appropriate section of this post.

Hey, McQueen, seriously, you didn’t see that fence right there?

Mitchieville’s Mad Manic MesmErizing Mystery Movie

Monday, June 27th, 2011

The Mayor thought he was going to stump his constituents last week by giving them useless clues and a poor picture, but The Mayor’s shenanigans were all for naught, as Ryan and Rhebner correctly identified the mystery movie as The Towering Inferno.

That’s some good guessin’. BTW – if you’re having trouble starting your lawn mower, maybe it isn’t turning over, try changing the gas. You could change the air filter, but chances are you have poor gas in the tank. In the context of this post that bit of advise seems odd, but chances are one day your lawn mower will start acting funky and you will think of this day, the words of The Mayor, and you’ll have a quick-fix on your hands and it will cost you nothing but $ in new gas. Don’t thank me, The Mayor is gald he could help.

Ryan and Rhebner, they know their movies. They also know sitcoms and 1 hour dramas. That’s impressive. But not as impressive as this magic trick The Mayor is going to share with you. Pick a number between 1 – 10. No, Andy, a number, not a letter, nice try. So pick that number. The Mayor guesses you picked an odd number – it’s 7. You picked 7.

Ta daaaaaaaa!

Today’s movie was released in 1983 and was a complete dog. The movie itself was meant as a drama, but turned out to be an unintentional comedy. It starred Chuck Norris (I heard he’s gay), David “Try to snatch this pea from my hand” Carradine, and the once hot as hell Barbara Carrerra.

Here is a brief description of this dog-like movie:

The archetypical renegade Texas Ranger wages war against a drug kingpin with automatic weapons, his wits and martial arts after a gun battle leaves his partner dead.

Here is The Mayor’s description:


You’ll soon find out that The Mayor’s clue was far superior and closer to the actual description of this pooch-humping piece of slop some dare call a movie.

Anyway, The Mayor feels great this morning. He had 7 solid hours of sleep and isn’t waking up to a hangover or a burning house, so what the hell.

Good guessin’, good luck, bonne chance, and nanu nanu.

Mitchieville’s Mad Manic MesmErizing Mystery Movie

Monday, June 20th, 2011

Look at all the dirty people in the picture, they are so dirty. Very dirty people. Filthy really. More on that later.

There were so many constituents that correctly identified Midnight Cowboy as last week’s mystery movie, that if The Mayor were to name them all, it would take him upwards on 20 seconds. Watch, he’ll show you:

MPalef, Don Morris, Andy, Titan Mk6B, Jamesy, and Andy. That took The Mayor exactly 20 seconds to type out. It would have taken The Mayor only 4 seconds, but Titan has a number in his name and that made The Mayor have to use the top portion of his keyboard and that threw him right off. Thanks, Titan, there goes 16 seconds The Mayor will never get back.

Congratulations to all those who correctly identified the mystery movie. Ohhhhh, Soylent Green also got the answer correct, but he was so stealthy that The Mayor nearly didn’t see him in the pack. NEARLY.

Today’s movie dates back to 1974. What a crap year and a crap decade. Nixon was President (for only a while), inflation was a beast, gas shortages, blah blah frickity blah blah frickity blah. But Jimmah Carter was waiting in the wings, so things got totally better, yo.

Today’s mystery movie starred Steve McQueen, Paul Newman, William Holden, Faye Dunaway and Jerry Mathers as the Beaver. Fred Astaire was also in this flick as well as OJ Simpson and Robert Wagner. Huh? OJ Simpson did WHAT? Hahaha, SURE he did.

Here is how today’s movie is described by people who describe describale movies:

At the opening party of a collosal, but poorly constructed, office building, a massive fire breaks out that threatens to destroy the tower and everyone in it.

The Mayor has never told you folks this, but he’s a terrific air guitarist. What does that have to do with today’s mystery movie? Nothing. Or everything. Most likely nothing though. Most likely nothing.

Give it a guess, give it a try, the only thing you have to lose is your pride.

What is today’s mystery movie?

You don’t know, do you?