Archive for the ‘Movie Reviews’ Category

The Mayor Reviews Movies

Monday, January 7th, 2013

Lock Out – Starring Guy Pearce and Maggie Grace. Some ex-CIA guy (Pearce) has to save the President’s daughter after she was taken hostage by prisoners that reside in a prison situated in outer space. Pearce fights…a lot. He shoots….a lot. He makes wise-cracks….a lot. He does a lot….a lot. In the end, as you can imagine, everything turns out not too shabby. If rated out of 10, this movie is a solid 5.8. If rated out of 100, it’s still a 5.8.

Captain America -Starring Chris Evans, Tommy Lee Jones and a bunch of other faces. A terrifying force attacks the good ole USA, and the only person to stop them (other than regulations and big signs that say *Gun Free Zone*) is Captain America. Hoorah! He fights, he does this and that, and he does the other, all to save the USA from evil invaders. What were the democrats doing as this was going on? Defending the enemy. Because liberals are traitorous filth.

Contagion- Starring Matt *Dumbass* Damon, Laurence Fishburne, Jude Law, Kate Winslet and Gwynneth Paltrow – A lethal airborne virus basically kills everything in its path, and it is up to this team of pathetic liberal scum to save the universe and come up with a cure. At least that’s what The Mayor thinks happens. He doesn’t actually remember this movie, but he does know that Paltrow and Damon are two of the scuzziest creatures ever to step foot on God’s green earth. C’mon virus!

In Time- Justin Timberlake and Amanda Seyfried – Currency is time and when your currency is finished so are you. Get it? Currency is life time, and you get x amount of currency which equals time. When your currency runs out, your life runs out. So like, time is currency, currency is time, when your currency expires, so do you. That’s freaking deep, and you’re lucky to have The Mayor here to explain it to you. This is a decent movie, and compared to the rest of the crap above, it’s pure Oscar material.

Thor- Chris Hemsworth, Natalie Portman and some other actors/actresses – Thor gets banished from wherever he’s from and has to go to earth. Then something else happens, he has to find a hammer or something, his brother comes down and disrupts everything and gets into Thor’s grill, blah blah splutter barf. It sounds like crap, but the movie is actually very enjoyable. Except for Natalie Portman, she is useless in this movie. She should have made Thor a sammich and then went to Shutthehellupville and died.

50 Lessons Learned From Movies (11 – 20)

Tuesday, March 15th, 2011

11. Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their family every morning, even though the husband and children never have time to eat them.

12. Cars and trucks that crash will almost always burst into flames.

13. A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of a football stadium.

14. Medieval peasants had perfect teeth.

15. All single women have a cat.

16. Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.

17. One man shooting at 20 men has a better chance of killing them all than 20 men firing at one.

18. Creepy music coming from a graveyard should always be closely investigated.

19. Most people keep a scrapbook of newspaper cuttings – especially if any of their family or friends has died in a strange boating accident.

20. It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involved martial arts – your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessor.

Denouncing Hollywood for Blasphemy

Sunday, December 19th, 2010

It is so easy … as many blogs and comment artists have pointed out the anti-white racism of the latest Hollywood bomb, Thor. It is obviously a homosexual recruiting, indoctrination, seduction flick; aimed at those under age boys and drag kings that our estrogen infused progressives think about while having sex with other fat progressives. So what? So what I am offended. My religion and culture are insulted in a way that would call for riots, public dismemberment for the slow, and stoning at Maple Leaf Gardens for the quick. I am not one of them, those darling Red-Orange-Green voters, eternal tax spenders, and non believers in the germ theory of disease. Hatred is directed at me, my culture, my institutions, my peaceful nature, and my thin agreement to refrain from human flesh, banditry, and trans-species sex. But, I am just a lowly person on this planet, and can only do nothing. I have no weapons, no army, no nuclear weapons, no plague cultures in the fridge, no nothing. I will just cry myself to sleep. Cry like a girl. And, when I cry, it will be to Set, the Snake God.


When You Put It That Way…

Wednesday, December 15th, 2010

And if you watch just about every WW2 movie, the Germans win in the end.

And if you play a country music cd backwards, the singer gets his house back, his wife back and his dog back.

The Mayor and Culture – Mitchieville Marathon

Tuesday, December 7th, 2010

The Mayor has the pulse of the people. He swims in the sea of the Peoples’ Culture. This is one of his early movie reviews * :

As Mayor of the 49th fastest growing community in N.E. Durham Region, Ontario, I don’t get a chance to go out and see very many movies in the theatre, the affairs of Mitchieville are all consuming. If there’s a movie I really want to see, I just wait for someone to videotape the flick at the Googaplex and give me an illegal burned copy.

I do want to see the new Batman movie though. I’ve read all the reviews, and from what I hear, it sounds pretty good. The only person who didn’t seem to like the movie is film critic, Liam Lacey at The Globe and Mail , or as I’m now starting to refer to the paper as, The Glob and Pail.

Liam whines and complains about this and that and the other, typical whiney film critic crap, but then he comes up with this sparkling gem of film critic brilliance…

Genuine opportunities to explore a political context — the obvious post-Sept. 11 references to white powder, terrorist attacks and the political manipulation of fear — are wasted.

Say what? Huh? Come again? This is Batman we’re talking about here, not Fahrenheit 9/11. The majority of Batman fans are children, do you really think they want to watch a movie that explores the political context of terrorism? Liam, did you fall down and bump your head?

Tell me, how the hell does a *film critic*, as if that’s a real job in the first place, suddenly turn into a political analyst? Do we really need in-depth political opinions from a guy that usually writes “it made me laugh, it made me cry, three out of five stars”? Stick to stuffing your face with *real buttery popcorn* and soda and critiquing wardrobe like you’re suppose to do, no-one in God’s green earth cares about anything you have to say other than Katie Holmes is hot, which she is, burning sun-dripping hot.

Does anyone really go to a Batman movie hoping that it explores the political ramifications of American foreign policy? Of course not, we go there to see Batman kick some evil guy in the nuts. And to see Katie Holmes, have I mentioned how hot she is?

Hollyweirdo’s and their ilk like to pretend that they’re *deep*, like they know what they’re talking about. I’m here to tell you, I’d rather talk politics with the guy that strolls up and down my street in the ice cream truck. At least the ice cream guy has a real job.

I suppose it’s time to rate Liams *Glob and Pail* article. I give it two thumbs down, and one middle finger up.

H/T to Bumf Online.

Hitchcock Lazing Around

Friday, July 23rd, 2010

There are many characters and scenes in various Hitchcock movies that were actually a reflection or a glimpse of what life was life for Alfred Hitchcock when he was a little boy. For instance, when Alfred’s mom thought he was being naughty, she would make him stand at the foot of her bed for hours and hours. Not doing anything, not saying anything, just standing about until she was through “punishing” him. That’s where Hitchcock got the idea for Norman Bates in the amazing Psycho movie.

True story. Tell your friends.

Let’s All Go To The Lobby – And Get Ourselves Some Snacks

Saturday, June 26th, 2010

If you’re looking for a little entertainment tonight, why not head down to the Mitchieville Googaplex in the Mitchieville Town Center and catch Avatar, a really good flick. Or, you can save yourself a $12 admission and stare at this picture for a few hours.

Good choice; you’d just get some dude in an afro sitting in front of you ruining your movie-going experience anyway.

**Thanks to Goodbye Forever Fatty

Top 10 Most Pirated Movies of 2009

Monday, December 28th, 2009


The Top 10 Most Pirated Movies of 2009 list came out yesterday, and believe it or not, Pink Panther 2 was not on the list. You could knock me down with a feather.

I thought it would be fun to go through the most popular illegally downloaded movies and give you a short review. So that’s what I did. For fun. I also thought it would be fun to strip down to only my underwear, run outside, jump in the snow and make snow angels. You know what? Sometimes things sound fun, but are anything but. Like that whole snow angel thing. My testicles are cold and now I’m in a bitter mood.

Star Trek – # of downloads- 10,960,000         Considering that I have not seen a single episode of Star Trek in my life, it tickled my innards that even though I was forced against my will to watch this movie, it turned out to be pretty darn fine. Actually, better than pretty darn fine, it was pretty darn good. I see why this was the most downloaded pirated movie of the year. Is The Mayor a Star Trek fan now? Of course not, don’t be stupid.

Transformers Revenge of the Fallen – # of downloads approx. 10,400,000        What a complete waste of time. I was thirty minutes into this pile of crap when I realized that this movie was not only NOT getting any better, but it was actually getting worse…somehow. If you purposely download this movie, you should be arrested and thrown in jail with other people with no taste. Like Michael Bay.

Rocknrolla – # of downloads – approx. 9.2 million        Haven’t seen it.

Hangover – # of downloads – approx. 9 million           Funny movie, I can totally see why people would illegally download it.

Twilight – # of downloads – approx. 8.6 million         I’m not a MILF or an 11 year old girl, so I haven’t seen it.

District 9 # of downloads – approx. 8 million            What a pile of steaming crap. Some dude reviewed it online and gave it high marks, so I decided to check it out. After the movie was over, I hopped on a plane and flew to Australian where buddy lived, went to his apartment building, took the elevator up to his place on the 23rd floor, rang the doorbell and when he answered the door, I cuffed him upside his idiotic head.

Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince – # of downloads – approx. 7.8 million         I personally haven’t seen it, or any other Harry potter movie, but I did see this porn flick called Harry Pooper and the Half Penis Half Vagina Prince. It wasn’t bad, but hardly worth downloading illegally.

State of Play – # of downloads – approx. 7.2 million         This movie stars Ben Affleck, so it has to be terrible.

X-Men Origins – # of downloads – approx. 7 million        Not bad at all. I particularly like the part where the dragon eats the ice cream truck and then vomits. I laughed and laughed and laughed.

Knowing # of downloads – approx. 6.7 million              Every 25 years Nicholas Cage is in a good movie. This was the once in 25 years. If I didn’t already have a Chinese knock-off of this flick, I would download a copy immediately.

Tom Hanks Angels & Demons Interview–He Got Paid What?!!

Monday, May 11th, 2009

Mann Village Theatre

Tom Hanks–seen here being not funny–in an interview with the London Telegraph, blah blah blah’s about various boring crap until he gets to the only part of the interview worth reading: how much did he get paid for Angels & Demons:

Hanks’s rumoured pay packet of between $29 million and $49 million for Angels & Demons makes him the highest-paid actor in Hollywood.

I like Tom Hanks, I think he’s a funny guy, and probably a decent person. But let’s face facts here, he was completely miscast in The Da Vinci code. In the book, Robert Langdon was a suave mo-fo, he was cool, sexy, and emanated style. Tom Hanks was a geek and butchered the role, he looked old and busted, he was slow and boring, his voice was annoying, he’s not in the least sexy (as per TLDG), and although the movie was rotten and virtually unwatchable, Hanks somehow made it that much worse.

So paying this slug $40 million or so to wreck another Dan Brown classic? I think I’ll pass on the movie and be happy in the knowledge that I read a truly great book and stick with that.

Look at me, I’m a movie critic, like Robert Ebert (except I’m not obese, ugly, feminine and a limp-wrist sissy).

Five Guys In A Limo

Saturday, September 6th, 2008

In the YouTube clip below, Hollywood voice-over legend Don LaFontaine (who died earlier this week) and 4 of his voice-over pals have a little fun on their way to some awards show I’ve never heard of.    Lot’s fun, and safe for the kids too!

More about Don LaFontaine and his career can be found here.


Sex And The City Pretty Much Sucks The Fat One

Tuesday, May 13th, 2008

The first review of the Sex And the City movie is out, and it’s everything I expected from a movie, and less:

There may be a problem with a film when a narrator constantly tells you the meaning of what you have just seen, gift-wrapping each scene with a moral.

There may be a problem with characters who shop with such conviction while the audience looks up from the trough of a credit crunch.

There may be a problem with stretching Sex and the City into a two hour and twenty minute film – it can feel like a never ending dinner party.

It sounds like the type of movie where halfway through, I reach into my pocket, pull out my 12″ buck knife and slice my own head off.

The guy that reviewed the movie admits that the women in the theatre were weeping and cheering and laughing and possibly masturbating to a picture of me, but that seems slightly unlikely.

Who shouldn’t see this movie? Anyone with less than two x chromosomes.

Who should see this movie? Bitter, crusty malcontents that have low social skillz, a thin grasp on reality, and people who say shit like, “You go girl!”

Or, it could be really good

Only 338 Days Till Christmas!

Tuesday, January 22nd, 2008

I’ve already told my brother what we are doing on Christmas night this year:

I’m fairly sure that’s Spock doing the voice over. The past couple Star Trek movies have been dissapointing but I have to admit that I’m geared up for this one.

h\t: Loganotron