Where the dilly is the rock spork?

Some folks would say this video is a incredible display of natures absolute beauty. The Mayor sees it as a bunch of birds trying to “get it on.” Who’s right? I’ll leave that for our creator to decide.

Besides, I’m right.

The only two trees that come to mind that grow that big, and keep in mind the only thing The Mayor really knows about trees is that they are great places to take a leak on, is the sequoia and the giant redwood. Then again, maybe the people in the picture are only 4″ tall, or are figurines like the ones we used to get in Tetley Tea packages. Remember the turtle?

A two-year study by three Australasian scientists has concluded that global warming is being caused by nature and not by human activity:

Auckland University climate scientist Chris de Freitas, Bob Carter, an academic at James Cook University, Townsville, and Melbourne scientist John McLean have concluded that little or none of the late 20th century warming trend can be attributed to humans.

Instead, they say that in the past 50 years the average global temperature has fallen and risen in close agreement with the development of El Nino or La Nina conditions.

In 2007, the Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change said global surface temperatures had increased about by 0.74 degrees Celsius between 1906 and 2005.

The panel concluded that rising levels of greenhouse gases from human activity, including deforestation and burning of fossil fuels, were responsible for much of that increase.

De Freitas, who has worked as an adviser to the Climate Science Coalition, which is sceptical about global warming, said his paper had been fully peer-reviewed over six months and accepted by a top academic journal.

I think it’s time that nature starts accepting responsibility for ruining our planet. For far too long, nature has gotten a free pass and was always silent when the blame for global warming was being cast on humans. Tonight that ends.

When it was decided (incorrectly) that humans were the cause of global warming, governments throughout the world were too happy to tax us in order to bring us into line. Now that it has been concluded that nature is actually the fiend, it’s only right that we tax nature.

I know many of you are reading this and thinking that it’s impossible to tax nature. How is it possible to tax a volcano, or El Nino, or a tree? Well, quite frankly it is impossible to tax them, but what we must do as responsible stewards of our lands, is tax those who harbour nature.

For instance, anyone living in the same state or province as a volcano should pay a flat tax of $1000 a year. Every family should be taxed $25 for every tree on their land. The sun is the biggest greenhouse gas emitter there is, and since the sun shines more in the south, a fair tax of $3000.00 per resident should be immediately instituted.

That’s just a start, there are many more culprits out there. Think about it, who do you know that’s harbouring nature? Who do you think isn’t paying their fair share?

I would say there is less than a 70% chance that’s going to fit. Unless it’s Barbra Streisand or any of those hags from The View, of course. I’m making one of those “throwin’ a hotdog down a hallway jokes”. Man, I’m really getting sick having to explain these gags to you. It’s a good thing you’re so beautiful.

And that ends Nature Week. You can now be excused.

From the look of things, it seems like the one tree is explaining to the other tree what the Cap & Trade bill will do to the average American family.

Dead-on accurate, if you ask me.

I can’t wait to see it explain what the Health Care bill is going to do.

I think I’d be afraid to pee on that tree. For some reason I think if I did, its branches would swoop down upon my nether region and teach me a lesson. And I’ll be damned if that happens to me again.

Strike the word *again* from the last sentence, it shouldn’t be there.

As much as I like the boulder in the picture, I’m not so sure I’d want to have a picnic under it like the couple shown. I just know that if I did, some crazy college kids would sneak up behind the boulder, shove planks under it and launch it down the hill, killing me and my family. Sure, it might be funny for a minute or two, but when the reality of the carnage sets in, it’ll be me having the last laugh from my grave as the college kids would be arrested and given a stiff sentence of up to three months in jail. HAHA, take that, punks.

Do you know who the person is that’s staring at that tree? A bushman.

And on that note, I’d like to thank you all for coming.

Good night!

That is not a cactus you would ever want to back into. Or is  it? That’s the question you should ask yourself when you look at this picture: Does the cactus disgust me, or am I strangely aroused by the way the cactus just sits there, all prickly and erect, although off to the side. If you chose the second option, I don’t necessarily want to ban you from this site, but I would rather you not tell any of your sexually questionable *friends* about Mitchieville. We try to run an above board show here.

Pervert.

It’s good to see that the lady in the picture has found a part of the tree that fits her perfectly.

Nature is perverted, as you can well see. If we don’t protect out children from nature, we are going to destroy their minds–and possibly other body parts. I can’t believe that we, as a civil society, allow trees like this to grow. The really sad part is some arsehole will want to have these trees protected, where the arsehole should be trying to protect us from these trees. Pervert.

I believe this picture sums up everything that’s wrong with nature. As you are all aware by now, I’m not a big fan of nature. When it’s sunny, I get a sunburn. When it is raining, I get wet. When it snows, I have to shovel. When it’s lightning out, my internet connection goes down. When it’s windy, I get an ear ache. When it hails, I have to wear a hockey helmut. When it’s cloudy, well that’s just plain depressing. Nature is no friend of man, we would be best to rid ourselves of it before it takes over our lives. You know exactly what I’m saying, I refuse to draw you a picture.