Archive for the ‘New From K-Tel’ Category

New From K-Tel

Monday, September 10th, 2012

Tired of men NOT leering at your chest, and not making sexist comments about your breastuals and nips? Tired of standing next to a woman who is sporting erect nipples, while the man of your dreams walks by and says, “I cannot be with you, I can only be with erect nipple woman, because of her erect nipples, obviously.” Tired of not being able to hang wet shower towels off your tiny projections?

Then you need The Nipple Bra™

New, from K-Tel and Marc in Calgary Productions®, The Nipple Bra™ is everything you always wanted and more! And more, you ask? YES, more, I say! MORE, you ask again? YES, more I say again! MOOOORE, you ask for a third time? YES, and if you ask me one more time I am going to choke you out, you stupid bastard!

The Nipple Bra™ is made from lined, sheer nylon trimmed with Daisy lace. It’s comfortable as hell. It feels as if your nipples are sleeping in caskets. Your nipples have found a new home. A luxury home. A luxury home with comfortable caskets sitting in your spacious living room.

Get that pointy nipple look. Don’t be like those non-pointy nipple girls, who probably suck in bed and can’t keep a man, the pointy nipple look will guarantee happiness in love and will get you a man (or woman) quick-smart.

Tweak ‘em, pinch ‘em, roll ‘em in your fingers, the revolutionary Nipple Bra™ can be yours for an amazing introductory price of only $20.00 plus S & H. But if you act now – not in 30 seconds, but NOW – you will receive not only one, but TWO Nipple Bra’s™ for the price of one. WOWZIE WOW WOW!! How can we afford to do this, are we insane, you ask? Yes, we are insane. Certifrickifiably insane.

Call now, operators are standing by.

New From K-Tel

Wednesday, June 13th, 2012

Before

After

Cat get your tongue? Dog take your bone? Did your pants abduct your vagina? Then you need the revolutionary new Camelflage!

New from K-Tel and Marc in Calgary© Productions, Camelflage hides embarrassing moose knuckles, swollen axe wounds, ninja slippers, finger puppets, vulvacano’s, as well as deer hoofs, mumblers, crotch waffles, vedgies, and whisker biscuits.

Ladies – or men – how many times have you wanted to slip into your favourite pants and head out for a night on the town, only to turn back because you know you’ll face the jokes, taunts, and flippant remarks all because your pocket pie protrudes like there was an anthill shoves down your gotchies? 5 times? 100 times? 5oo billion times?

Then you need the revolutionary Camelflage. Camelflage nips, tucks, contracts, wraps, swaddles and hides embarrassing buffalo gums. Thanks to state-of-the-art technology – and progressive Chinese manufacturing capabilities – the Camelflage is a gift that keeps on giving.

Camelflage retails for $29.99, but thanks to this special offer, we will give you the first pair for only $29.49. Wait! There’s more!

Order Camelflage now, and you’ll receive a second set absolutely free! That’s TWO pairs of Camelflage for only $29.49, + s & H.

You own two pairs of pants, now you can have TWO pairs of Camelflage for the price of a small sponsorship of an African child for 1 year. Let the UN feed the African’s, you need Camelflage!

Operators are standing by.

New From K-Tel

Tuesday, March 6th, 2012

Man or woman, fish or foul, let’s face it – no one likes a cold penis. Introducing the Men’s Pantie Stocking from K-Tel. Are you tired of your junk looking like it just saw a ghost? Then tan up that bad boy with the new Men’s Pantie Stockingfrom K-Tel. Made from 75% nylon, 14% acrylic, 2% cotton, 3% rayon, 1% spandex, .42% modal, and a whole lot of love, these “natural” fibres contour to your legs, twigs and berries, giving you unparalleled warmth, comfort, and a junk tan that your girlfriend/boyfriend/crazy uncle Sam will say, “Wow, Todd, did you just get back from a vacation in Moldova?”

Reading the description under the tagline in the picture, pretty much sums up the Men’s Pantie Stocking from K-Tel to a tee:

“Girl who puts out atmosphere different from always, A weak boy to such a cup in enchanted”

And how!

Order now – The Men’s Pantie Stocking from K-Tel is only $19.95 and is going fast!

But wait!

Order within the next 5 minutes, and we’ll throw in an extra pair of Men’s Pantie Stocking from K-Tel fro free That’s TWO pairs of Men’s Pantie Stocking from K-Tel for the price of one. What the hell, are we insane? Possibly. We are possibly insane.

Call now, operators are standing by.

Sears & K-Mart – Adios

Wednesday, January 4th, 2012

With Sears stock falling faster than a liberal’s pants at a diversity workshop, retail industry “experts” are advising Sears close down all its K-Mart stores:

Johnson and others said Sears Holdings should close as many as 1,000 stores to cut costs and recoup what it can from selling off inventory and related real estate. Then, it needs to significantly revamp its remaining stores and expand its online business to reverse its years long decline.

Such a culling would be very painful, likely resulting in layoffs for tens of thousands of the company’s 280,000-strong U.S. workforce and loss of the major retail store in some communities, according to retail specialists.

Once the largest U.S. discount chain, Kmart has declined over the years as it has been unable to keep up with Wal-Mart’s (NYSE:WMTNews) low prices and Target’s more upscale though still affordable offerings. Kmart went bankrupt nearly a decade ago and never fully recovered — its 2010 sales of $15.6 billion were only about 5 percent of Wal-Mart’s U.S. sales.

“In a world that has Wal-Mart and Target, there is really no need for a Kmart,” said Roger Goddu, who was CEO of the Montgomery Ward department store chain, which went out of business in 2001.

“The one I would choose to save is Sears,” said Goddu, now a partner in private equity firm Brentwood Associates.

Good riddance, el crapo.

The Mayor likes the idea that in order to save Sears, Sears must destroy Sears. You see, Sears was good in colonial times, when they sold wooden hammers and things the pilgrim’s needed, but today’s Sears are filled with the ugliest, worthless crap this crappy craphole of a craptastic retail crapyard has ever seen. Like the world needs “Craftsman” shirts, and “Basic Edition” flannel T’s. Please. My good God, stop the madness.

Sears should only sell tools and appliances. That’s it. Burn everything else to the ground. Including the employees. Keep the tools and appliances. Nothing more.

As for K-Mart: the Mayor cannot think of a store as terrible as K-Mart. Zellers isn’t even close, and Zellers is pure, unadulterated useless. K-Mart is like a throwback to times when there was dirt everywhere. Like maybe in the 30’s, when nothing was clean. The only thing more disgusting than a K-Mart store is a K-Mart employee. K-Mart employees are the rudest, surliest malcontent’s ever to step a wart-filled foot on this planet. The weirdest thing is that it is physically impossible for a K-Mart employee to look anyone in the eye, or to utter the words “thank you.” The Mayor isn’t sure how HR pick out their employee’s at K-Mart, but they must have a stack of resumes for the worst ability-challenged, missing linked throwback to the Cro-Magnon age, and then pick the top 3% that are far worse than them.

Stick a dirty, made-in-China Oneida fork in both Sears and K-Mart, for they are done. And not a second too soon, either. Let them give way to Target and Wal-Mart, stores that don’t suck the living life out of you when you step foot in their doors.

**Article courtesy of Yahoo

**The Mayor just read this post again and realized he painted all K-Mart employees with the same brush, which he shouldn’t have done. The useless employees he was specifically talking about are from Western NY – Buffalo, actually.

New From K-Tel

Tuesday, July 27th, 2010

Tired of all those unwanted intruders trespassing on your lawn, yet you lack an efficient QUIET deterrent to stop them? Well then, your prayers have been answered! Introducing the Electro-Electric “get off my lawn” Machine Gun 2000®.

“No, little Girl Guide, I DON’T want your stinkin’ cookies”, ratta tat tat.

“No, postman, I DON’T want your stinkin’ paper spam”, ratta tat tat.

“No, Jehovah Witness, I DON’T want a copy of the Watchtower”, ratta tat tat.

No more door knockers, no more dinner interruptions, no more anything. The Electro-Electric “get off my lawn” Machine Gun 2000® fires 150 high-explosive shells in one minute, enough firepower to shoe-away the nastiest of skunks, raccoons, or paper boys. The Electro-Electric “get off my lawn” Machine Gun 2000® comes in gun-metal silver, and looks AND feels great.

Simple to operate, fun to use, you’ll wish the census takers would come back again and again and again.

The Electro-Electric “get off my lawn” Machine Gun 2000®, now only $7500.00 with this special blog order.

But wait!

Order now and get a FREE vintage 44 Remington Colt Anaconda. Great for taking care of those “minor” problems – like marital disputes, arguments with the neighbours, or corner-store owners ripping you off.

Call now, operators are standing by!