Archive for the ‘News’ Category

Comments Are Working, Permalink As Well

Wednesday, April 10th, 2013

The comments are back up and running again in Mitchieville, and so are the permalinks. So start commenting and start linking the Mayor again.

Archives, Statcounter, Link ‘O The Day and a few other things are still down, but we’re working on them and they should be good in no time flat.

It’s only been 10 week’s, but we’re nearly there. Thanks for your patience.

Did the Mayor mention you should start commenting again?

$700 million In Katrina Aid Gone Missing – What Be Happen To It?

Tuesday, April 9th, 2013

$700 million in Katrina aid has gone missing. However, there is no need to involve Sherlock Holmes in this mystery, there is a chance authorities have stumbled upon a few clues:

A new report by the Department of Housing and Urban Development paints a grim picture of a program that was supposed to help Louisiana’s Katrina victims protect their homes from future storms – to the tune of $700 million in misplaced taxpayer money.

The relief program, which disbursed grants of up to $30,000 to more than 24,000 homeowners, was supposed to be used to elevate homes and protect property in areas vulnerable to storm surges. Instead, as the report by Inspector General of the Department of Housing and Urban Development (HUD) David Montoya now shows, of the $1 billion earmarked for home improvements, homeowners seem to have spent a striking majority – at least $700 million – on anything but.

According to Montoya, the program’s intent seems to have been completely ignored by most Louisiana residents who received HUD grants:

We have $700 million that we can’t account for and that certainly did not go to elevating homes and preventing future damage from storms,” Montoya said in an interview to ABC.

This is money we can’t afford to lose. This is money that we don’t get back and this is money that we can’t put toward other disaster victims,” he added.

The Elevation Incentive agreement specifically stated that if the homeowner did not elevate his or her home within 3 years of the signed agreement, the owner must repay the full grant amount to the State. The grant amounts awarded to the eligible homeowners were disbursed in one lump sum directly to the homeowner upon signing the binding agreement.”

As of late April 2012, only 18 of the homeowners who were “noncompliant” with the agreement had returned their grant money, at least in part, for a total of $200,900. Meanwhile $119.2 million had actually been used for home elevations – a less than one fifth of the total sum that has “gone missing.”

Instead of telling residents that the government will pay up to $30,000 for them to get their houses elevated, and all the residents would have to do was send the government an actual invoice from a reputable renovation company – one that was on the governments “approved list”, the government instead gave a blank cheque to these people in the hope they would do the right thing and spend the money responsibly.

And the peoples didn’t do the right thing.

Colour The Mayor surprised.

Now there’s not a chance any of that money will be paid back and the taxpayer is on the line for a cool $700. $700 million buys a lot of malt liquor and weed. The recipients of this taxpayer money will tell you that first-hand.

Gifarific

Tuesday, April 9th, 2013

To say that’s probably not the first time the young lady has taken a barrage of balls to her face would be the ultimate in lowbrow humour, so, The Mayor is just going to compliment her on her lovely pink bikini bottoms.

Margaret Thatcher Has Died

Monday, April 8th, 2013

“The problem with socialism is that you eventually run out of other people’s money.”

RIP.

North Korea – Obliterate This

Wednesday, April 3rd, 2013

Insanely jealous of Gangnam Style and eager to impress his newest BFF – American ambassador to North Korea Dennis Rodman – North Korean leader Kim Cattrell Kim Kardashian Kim Mitchell Kim Jong-un has been threatening everything that has a star or a stripe attached to it recently. This is a learned behaviour passed down from father to son, the elder knowing full well an American (or British, or whatever) axiom that “the squeaky wheel gets the grease.”

And North Korea is anything if not squeaky. And wheely. And greasy. However, Kim Jong-un didn’t get all greased-up by himself, he, and his daddy certainly had friends that helped lather up their midget bodies, courtesy of buckets of sweet crude. Like, the Clinton administration and our good friends and spatula exporters, the Chicoms.

Remembering back to 1998, Clinton’s military chief of staff testified that the Norks didn’t have an active ballistic missile program. A week after testifying, the North Koreans launched a missile over Japan. Oops, chief of staff, “my bad.”

Instead of taking a hard-line against the Norks, Clinton sent Jimmy Carter to Pyongyang to negotiate a deal. A few days later Chamberlain Carter returned, proclaiming that the world can rest easy, to go home and have a nice, quiet sleep.

The American’s sent North Korea tankers and tankers of oil, a ton of cash, medical supplies and food, and the the government of North Korea went on to starve 1 million of its own people.

The one-way Carter agreement was a joke. There was nothing in the agreement that allowed anyone to verify whether or not Pyongyang was developing nukes. For their part, the Chicoms were happy to funnel nuclear technology through Pakistan in return for No Dong ballistic missile technology.

1998 was also the same year South Korea introduced The Sunshine Policy, intended to bring greater contact between North and the South. That worked well, until it didn’t.

Every few years when the Norks are running low on heating oil, or medical supplies, or knock-off videos from the Pacific Mall in Markham Ontario, the Great Leader (not Obama, the Kim fella), holds his breath, screams like a toddler who was denied a chocolate chip cookie, and the West acquiesces and gives him whatever he wants.

This time is no different.

Kim is freaking out, and you can rest assure that he will eventually get tankers of heating oil, medical supplies, and a ton of knock-off vids from the Pacific Mall (8 video’s for $20, cant’-miss deal).

Already there are rumblings from the White House (John “Horseface” Kerry, the ex-ketchup magnate) that North Korea can enter into negotiations. Negotiations have worked so well in the past 15 years, why not give it another shot? But, as Horseface Kerry mentioned, the North Koreans have to be “serious” this time. No more dressing up in funny red noses and floppy feet, they need to be SERIOUS this time.

And their seriousness will guarantee them whatever the hell they want. Rinse and repeat.

Passing Thoughts

Tuesday, April 2nd, 2013

The database is still compromised here at Mitchieville. Fenris is writing at the Fenris Badwulf School of Telemarketing Excellence, which can support comments and has a database.  It lacks add ons, though.  Having once been a programmer, Fenris understands the limitations of programming and the monkeys that mess around with such things.

For your reading pleasure, and in honor of the sadly missed Lawrence Auster, here are the expanded VFR’s Rules on How to Protect Yourself from Black Violence and White Political Correctness

They make a wonderful read.

Gifarific

Tuesday, March 26th, 2013

He may be terrible at golf and horrible at soccer, but Ted is fantastic at outrageous back flips.

Is this not one of the best GIF’S ever, or what? Don’t answer that, comments are still mangled.

Anyone know how to fix broken Wordpress crap? Email The Mayor – themayor at mitchieville.com

Lie

Monday, March 25th, 2013

Not only do they NOT love Raymond, they (meaning anyone with a lick of taste) also NOT love that crazy broad in the lower left hand corner, and NOT love Raymond’s bitchy wife.

The tall guy and the old fart are alright though.

Amen?

Oh right, comments are disabled (oops, not *disabled*, they’re *Special Needs*)

Please Love Us

Monday, March 25th, 2013

The Mayor’s beautiful daughter, Clare, is just like any other four year old girl. She loves to play, she loves to laugh, and acceptance/love/attention is very important to her. When it comes to mommy and daddy, Clare loves to show off. “Look daddy, look how I can walk on the snowy roof without falling off!” “Look daddy, look at how I can balance this boiling hot tea kettle on my head!” Haha, always trying to get The Mayor’s attention.

As children grow older, their needs change. Well, in many cases their needs change. When the Mayor was growing up, the story above could have applied to him. He tried to impress his mom and dad, he loved to laugh and play, etc. But as The Mayor got older, the need to impress became less important to him. By the time The Mayor was 21, he no longer called his mommy and daddy to tell them he made a poo in the potty. The Mayor matured, he started to put away childish things.

The last 20 or so years though, it seems things have really changed. Critical thinking has been replaced by emotion-driven decisions. Helicopter parents bubble-wrap their kids, not letting them grow and mature. The need for acceptance that slowly dissipated over the years is now fully ingrained in kids/teenagers/adults heads. Everyone is dying to prove how accepting they are, how diverse they are, and how jolly-gee wonderful they are.

As an example, The Mayor had occasion a few months back where he ordered some tablecloths in from California. The Mayor doesn’t remember the reason why he needed them, but he thinks it might have to do with a tablecloth Conference being held in Mitchieville that month. tablecloths are worth about 2.4 billion to the North American economy every year.

Anyway, a month or so ago, the Mayor started receiving emails from the company he bought these tablecloths from, and they are startling in just the sheer faggitocity of them. The Mayor thought someone sent him a series of joke emails, but it turns out these are for real. Here’s the first one he received:

In recent years, women have come a long way in the work place. More than ever before, there are female executives, CEOs, and company presidents. At TableClothsFactory we believe in equal pay and equal opportunities. There is no glass ceiling, and the sky’s the limit. We are proud to let our customers know that many of our employees in the office are female and some even hold management positions. Besides, sometimes it takes a woman’s intuition to understand the importance of perfecting even the littlest details during a special event. Everyone at our company has the same opportunities and chances to move up. All it takes is hard work, perseverance, and a love for keeping our customers happy.

Remember, if you work hard and persevere, you can join the “some” of the management that are females in this company.

The email above is to show there is not a lick of sexism (that sounds sexy) at The Tablecloth Factory. Women work right beside men, and old people get to mix with young people. Even the bald can work with the hairy. This place is totally 21st century. As a matter of fact, when it comes to even the “littlest ideas” ONLY a woman can do certain jobs. That’s not reverse sexual bias, thems just the facts.

A few days later, the Mayor received another email from the Tablecloth Factory:

We believe in making a difference. TableClothsFactory has contributed thousands of dollars in donations to different organizations such as Operation Homefront , Move for Hunger, Breast Cancer Fund, Foster Kids Charity, and more.  Our belief is that in order to succeed as a business, we must be able to create a positive impact. Even the smallest drop creates a ripple. Each person that we are able to help through contributions will have a greater chance to succeed and thus improve another person’s life.  This chain reaction could lead to strengthened communities, the rise of small businesses, and eventually maybe even a more stabilized economy.  Help others, and one day they may help you.  Remember: big things have small beginnings, and TableClothsFactory wants everyone to have the opportunity to grow and improve.

After reading that email, The Mayor had to rub away the tsunami of tears that flowed down his face – his non-sexist, charity-donating face.

The last and bestest email was actually deleted, but it came a few days after the last one, and pointed out…what else…how diverse The Table Cloth Factory was.

The Table Cloth Factory won the trifecta of the political correctness race – they help women, minorities, and people with limps. good on ‘em!

The Mayor is now waiting on their final email, telling his how they raise wolves and teach them to spell compound words.

The Mayor pondered these emails for a few days and came up with the conclusion that this has to be the most perfectest company in the world. Who or what else in the universe could possibly be as enlightened as these Southern Californians?

Of right, The Mayor is.

You see, The Mayor doesn’t discriminate against minorities or women, and gives to charity when he can. The big difference is, The Mayor doesn’t announce his good deeds by “email blasting” to the world. The Mayor goes on with his business every day, day in and day out. He deals with women and minorities every day, but doesn’t look at them as minorities or women, he looks at them as the next person who is going to make The Mayor rich. The Mayor doesn’t have to tell his friends and family what a good guy he is, because if he really is a good guy, they will already know it.

This crying like a biznitch in order to be accepted, and in order to prove to the world what a great person/business you are, actually has the opposite effect. When The Mayor read the last email, he wondered how he could retroactively take his tablecloths out of his shopping cart. But it can’t be done, so The Mayor will just have to live his life hating yet another sobbing, enabling business who thinks they can get the world to love them by issuing pathetic, condescending emails.

And now if you will excuse The Mayor, he has to go make #2. In the potty.

Dance Like no One Is Watching

Sunday, March 24th, 2013

The Mayor is going to let this video stand on its own merits.

Pope Francis – Ordinary As Shit

Saturday, March 23rd, 2013

Pope Francis – seen here telling a story about the gigantic trout he caught while stream fishing in East Gwillimbury Ontario – is being trumpeted by various media outlets as a peacemaker, an advocate for the poor, a joker, a smoker, a midnight toker who gets his luvin’ on the run; but more than anything, an average guy who is just like you and me.

Within the first few week’s of his Presidency Pope-acy, the media has told us that ordinary Pope pays for his own hotel room and carries his own luggage. That sounds like something you would do. Then, we are told average Pope canceled his own newspaper subscription (but not before he told the newspaper telemarketing maggots that he wouldn’t line his bird’s cage with such a rag), Pope average also likes to cook his own food (like Mac & Cheese, no doubt). Hey, YOU cook your own food. What up wit dat?

But not to be pegged with the completely boring badge, we were told that Pope average has a wild side:

The day after his election, Francis eschewed the Vatican’s armored limousine and traveled through the chaotic streets of Rome in an ordinary car to pick up his things at a downtown hotel.

At his first Sunday Mass as pontiff, Francis caused a stir by mingling with bystanders at a Vatican gate, shaking hands and even allowing himself to be grabbed by the shoulder, all while people jostled to get closer.

Is this guy some sort of radical? Why doth he rattle thine feathers suchly? Imagine, the Pope, mingling with people and letting them touch his person. Is he out of his papal mind?

Maybe he is just like you and me. Or maybe he’s more like you. Or, perhaps he’s like the guy standing behind you. Whichever, or whatever the case may or might be, this guy isn’t stuck-up or pretentious in the least. He’s the real deal. He’s the shit. He’s the guy that is going to inspire every Catholic to start going to church again. Has The Mayor mentioned that Pope average is the shit? Because he is. The shit, that is. Shit.

But what does this newspaper canceling, luggage carrying, Kraft Dinner makin’ shit believe in? Great question, let’s find out:

“Oh, how I would like a poor Church, and for the poor.”

Then he should let Obama become Pope, he could achieve his goal in about 4 years.

After his comments, Francis put on his get-the-hell-out-of-Dodge-shoes and:

Earlier, he flew to the town on an Italian Air Force helicopter in scenes reminiscent of the night Benedict officially retired from the Church.

It looks as though Francis didn’t take a vow of poverty. He wants the church to be poor but he likes the sweet ride of Air Force Helicopters. That’s ok, Francis, The Mayor forgives you.

When you think about it though, taking a helicopter is pretty average. Every average Joe in the world likes helicopters. You never hear anyone say, “I hate helicopters.” Have you? Have you EVER heard anyone say such a thing? Of course you haven’t, because that conversation has never taken place in our world.

Next post we will look into why the Catholic church decided to throw away 7 million years of tradition to elect an undocumented worker. Here’s a hint – Evangelicalism is running crazy wild in South America, the last continent in the world that believes papal bullshit. Actually, no need to post-up about it now, The Mayor kinda told you all about it. My bad. Now off to the kitchen to make some Kraft Dinner. Hahaha, look at The Mayor, he could be the next Pope!

Possibly Racist

Friday, March 22nd, 2013

Mitchieville hasn’t had a *Possibly Racist* post in quite some time, but then again Mitchieville hasn’t had ANY posts in a long time. So we got that going for us.

Again though, a question: is it really “Possibly Racist” if the person in the picture is stereotyping their own race?

That’s pretty deep, man. Probably more stupid than deep, but ya, whatever.