The Mayor’s beautiful daughter, Clare, is just like any other four year old girl. She loves to play, she loves to laugh, and acceptance/love/attention is very important to her. When it comes to mommy and daddy, Clare loves to show off. “Look daddy, look how I can walk on the snowy roof without falling off!” “Look daddy, look at how I can balance this boiling hot tea kettle on my head!” Haha, always trying to get The Mayor’s attention.
As children grow older, their needs change. Well, in many cases their needs change. When the Mayor was growing up, the story above could have applied to him. He tried to impress his mom and dad, he loved to laugh and play, etc. But as The Mayor got older, the need to impress became less important to him. By the time The Mayor was 21, he no longer called his mommy and daddy to tell them he made a poo in the potty. The Mayor matured, he started to put away childish things.
The last 20 or so years though, it seems things have really changed. Critical thinking has been replaced by emotion-driven decisions. Helicopter parents bubble-wrap their kids, not letting them grow and mature. The need for acceptance that slowly dissipated over the years is now fully ingrained in kids/teenagers/adults heads. Everyone is dying to prove how accepting they are, how diverse they are, and how jolly-gee wonderful they are.
As an example, The Mayor had occasion a few months back where he ordered some tablecloths in from California. The Mayor doesn’t remember the reason why he needed them, but he thinks it might have to do with a tablecloth Conference being held in Mitchieville that month. tablecloths are worth about 2.4 billion to the North American economy every year.
Anyway, a month or so ago, the Mayor started receiving emails from the company he bought these tablecloths from, and they are startling in just the sheer faggitocity of them. The Mayor thought someone sent him a series of joke emails, but it turns out these are for real. Here’s the first one he received:
In recent years, women have come a long way in the work place. More than ever before, there are female executives, CEOs, and company presidents. At TableClothsFactory we believe in equal pay and equal opportunities. There is no glass ceiling, and the sky’s the limit. We are proud to let our customers know that many of our employees in the office are female and some even hold management positions. Besides, sometimes it takes a woman’s intuition to understand the importance of perfecting even the littlest details during a special event. Everyone at our company has the same opportunities and chances to move up. All it takes is hard work, perseverance, and a love for keeping our customers happy.
Remember, if you work hard and persevere, you can join the “some” of the management that are females in this company.
The email above is to show there is not a lick of sexism (that sounds sexy) at The Tablecloth Factory. Women work right beside men, and old people get to mix with young people. Even the bald can work with the hairy. This place is totally 21st century. As a matter of fact, when it comes to even the “littlest ideas” ONLY a woman can do certain jobs. That’s not reverse sexual bias, thems just the facts.
A few days later, the Mayor received another email from the Tablecloth Factory:
We believe in making a difference. TableClothsFactory has contributed thousands of dollars in donations to different organizations such as Operation Homefront , Move for Hunger, Breast Cancer Fund, Foster Kids Charity, and more. Our belief is that in order to succeed as a business, we must be able to create a positive impact. Even the smallest drop creates a ripple. Each person that we are able to help through contributions will have a greater chance to succeed and thus improve another person’s life. This chain reaction could lead to strengthened communities, the rise of small businesses, and eventually maybe even a more stabilized economy. Help others, and one day they may help you. Remember: big things have small beginnings, and TableClothsFactory wants everyone to have the opportunity to grow and improve.
After reading that email, The Mayor had to rub away the tsunami of tears that flowed down his face – his non-sexist, charity-donating face.
The last and bestest email was actually deleted, but it came a few days after the last one, and pointed out…what else…how diverse The Table Cloth Factory was.
The Table Cloth Factory won the trifecta of the political correctness race – they help women, minorities, and people with limps. good on ‘em!
The Mayor is now waiting on their final email, telling his how they raise wolves and teach them to spell compound words.
The Mayor pondered these emails for a few days and came up with the conclusion that this has to be the most perfectest company in the world. Who or what else in the universe could possibly be as enlightened as these Southern Californians?
Of right, The Mayor is.
You see, The Mayor doesn’t discriminate against minorities or women, and gives to charity when he can. The big difference is, The Mayor doesn’t announce his good deeds by “email blasting” to the world. The Mayor goes on with his business every day, day in and day out. He deals with women and minorities every day, but doesn’t look at them as minorities or women, he looks at them as the next person who is going to make The Mayor rich. The Mayor doesn’t have to tell his friends and family what a good guy he is, because if he really is a good guy, they will already know it.
This crying like a biznitch in order to be accepted, and in order to prove to the world what a great person/business you are, actually has the opposite effect. When The Mayor read the last email, he wondered how he could retroactively take his tablecloths out of his shopping cart. But it can’t be done, so The Mayor will just have to live his life hating yet another sobbing, enabling business who thinks they can get the world to love them by issuing pathetic, condescending emails.
And now if you will excuse The Mayor, he has to go make #2. In the potty.