Archive for the ‘Nicole Ritchie’ Category

Nicole Richie & Joel Madden Name Their New Baby

Saturday, September 12th, 2009


Nicole Richie and Joel Madden are proud parents of their second child, and in true celebrity fashion have given their baby an acceptable Hollyweird-type name:

Sparrow James Midnight Madden – who weighed 7 lbs. 14 oz. - was born in the middle of the night early Wednesday morning. The boy joins older sister Harlow Winter Kate Madden, who was born in January 2008. 

After giving birth, Richie wrote on her website: “Nicole, Joel, Harlow and Sparrow are all doing well. Thank you for all of your good wishes.”

Do you get it? The kid was born in the middle of the night so they named him Midnight. Which isn’t actually the middle of the night, but is still technically the night, I suppose. You see, if the child was born around 11 am, they would have named him Brunch. Or if he was born around 1 pm, they would have called him Midday. It’s bloody genius.

But Midnight is the kids middle name, and Sparrow is the first. I suppose they did their research and went to Wikipedia to find out what traits a Sparrow has and figured it would be perfect for their newborn. Let’s see what Wiki says about the sparrow:

Generally, sparrows tend to be small, plump brown-grey birds with short tails and stubby, powerful beaks.

That’s Nicole Richie down to a tee. Let’s see if the sparrow has any of Joel Madden’s traits:

A few species scavenge for food around cities and, like gulls or pigeons, will happily eat virtually anything in small quantities.

Gulls and pigeons are the most disgusting of all birds, so ya, that describes Madden very well. Especially the part about the scrounging.

The Mayor wishes Sparrow all the luck in the world. He seems healthy, we know he will be wealthy, and with any luck he’ll buck the family trend and be wise. And if he does become wise, he will want to look into becoming a ninja, because with a name like Sparrow, he is definitely going to need superior fighting skills.

Thursday, March 12th, 2009

The Wisdom of An Older Man

             An older man approached an attractive young lady at a shopping mall.   “Excuse me; I can’t seem to find my wife.  Would you talk to me for a couple of minutes?”

            The woman, feeling a bit of compassion for the old fellow, said, “Of course, sir.  Do you know where your wife might be?”

           “I have no idea, but every time I talk to a woman with tits like yours, she seems to appear out of nowhere.”

Praise be to the Retired Geez for this submission

Nicole Ritchie–Tobacco Face

Thursday, November 1st, 2007

I once knew this abusive, dirty slut of a woman who, not unlike Nicole Ritchie, smoked like a chimney while pregnant. This woman smoked from the time she got her filthy carcass up in the morning until the time she laid down her disgusting, ignorant head at night. I asked her how she could smoke while pregnant, knowing the damage it could do to the child, and she told me point blank that she smokes because she wants the child to be born small, it’s easier to pop a small kid out. As for Nicole Ritchie? I’m sure she smokes because she doesn’t want her baby to be born weighing more than she does.

That took quite a few words to get around to the point of this post, but in retrospect, I think we can all agree that it was all worth it.

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Is Nicole Ritchie Pregnant?

Monday, May 28th, 2007

Is Nicole Ritchie pregnant? Does the Pope shit in the woods? Does anyone care? I thought not.

I don’t think she’s pregnant, I think she’s bloated, like the way starving African children get. It looks like it, doesn’t it? I mean, she’s all of 83 pounds, so she’s not an eater, we’ve discussed this at length, she’s an anorexic. The starving bump makes sense.

On the bright side, if she is pregnant, the kid can hang on to either one of those giant nips she’s sporting. Gawd, you could hang wet bath towels on those suckers.

Nicole Ritchie–The Other Ritchie

Nicole Ritchie Arrested for DUI

Monday, December 11th, 2006

Nicole Ritchie was arrested, booked, and released this morning for DUI. Two motorists spotted her SUV going the wrong way on the 134 Freeway in Burbank. Preliminary alcohol screenings indicate that Nicole wasn’t drunk, but she has admitted taking Vicodin and smoking pot.

When the CHP responded, Richie was stopped in the carpool lane and was alone in the vehicle. When cops approached the vehicle, Richie was on her cellphone.

The booking sheet reveals that Nicole Ritchie is 5′1″ and 85 lbs, which makes me think that maybe smoking pot doesn’t give you the munchies.

85 lbs? I’ve had bigger dumps than that, and prettier ones too. I might be having one right now…hold on….arggggggg, arggggggg, ahhhhhh, argggggg…this one’s huge…Oh, never mind, it wasn’t a Nicole Ritchie, it was just a Paris Hilton.

Fortunately I didn’t crank out a Rosie O’Donnell, or I wouldn’t be walking for a week.

TMZ even has the 911 call from two motorists

Nicole Ritchie Doesn’t Want a Last Meal

Wednesday, September 6th, 2006

At first glance, it looks as if Nicole Ritchie is coming out of a grocery store with a bag full of groceries. The eyes can deceive, my friends, the eyes can deceive. For you do not actually see Nicole Ritchie carrying groceries, she is actually carrying a bag full of paper bags.

You see, it is physically impossible for a woman that small to carry any weight above 3 pounds. That would cause her to buckle under the enormous pressure. As it stands, her shanky legs can barely tolerate carrying 1.5 pounds of paper bags. Look at her poor kneecaps, they are ready to explode, she is obviously straining, she is quite possibly heart attack material.

We can only pray for Nicole Ritchie, she will soon meet her maker. The Lord himself stated that man cannot live by bread alone, and Nicole Ritchie wasn’t smart enough to heed the word of the funkiest, coolest cat the world has ever seen. Therefore, the end is nigh for her.

I only met you a handful of times, Nicole, but you left quite an impression on me. I will miss your anorexic body, your horse face, and the times I spent mule kicking you into submission. Sleep well, my princess, and may we meet once again inside the pearly gates.

Nicole Ritchie Ate No Fat

Monday, August 14th, 2006

Looking at this picture of Nicole Ritchie sunbathing on a Malibu beach, it suddenly dawned on me the three things I want in a woman.

First, the woman of my dreams must have a beautiful smile, she must light up a room with her pearly whites. Secondly, the woman of my dreams must be a product of an interracial mixed marriage. Thirdly, and most importantly, the woman of my dreams must have a chest that I can play like an xylophone.

Nicole Ritchie is the woman of my dreams.

As an added bonus, think of all the money I’ll save on pork chops!

Nicole Richie and Paris Hilton…Am I Seeing Double!

Monday, July 24th, 2006

I can’t help feeling a little sorry for Nicole Richie. She has been what guys always refer to when describing two girls as “the ugly fat friend”. The other girl in this case is Paris Hilton. Nicole went from being a fairly well-adjusted daughter of a star to an anorexic, Paris wannabe. She is now Paris, she has long platinum blond hair…like Paris and to pull another copy-cat move, she is now coming out with a music CD…like Paris.

I know what you are thinking…at least she can probably sing, I mean her father is Lionel Richie. Guess again, she is adopted.

Nicole Richie is launching a pop career. The Simple Life star is following in her former best friend Paris Hilton’s footsteps and bringing out an album. Nicole, the adopted daughter of 80s pop legend Lionel Richie, claims she already has six tracks ready for the record.

Let’s just be thankful that with recording studios the way there are today, they could make a voice that sounds like nails running down a chalkboard sound good with enough re-recordings and special effects.
So these two self-indulged, “money can buy me a recording contract”, teenage-like divas, can delight us with their questionable musical talents.

Diva Screechings!

Reported by Special Agent Nikita

Nicole Ritchie Says She’s Too Thin

Sunday, May 7th, 2006

Nicole Ritchie has told Vanity Fair that she thinks she’s too skinny:

“I know I’m too thin right now, so I wouldn’t want any young girl looking at me and saying, ‘That’s what I want to look like.’ I do know that they will, which is another reason I really do need to do something about it. I’m not happy with the way I look right now.”

I’m thinking that Nicole Ritchie might be wrong, she looks pretty spankingly good to me.

If Nicole does want to put on a few pounds, I have some advice for her:

Just Jared deserves all the credit for this award-winning post

Nicole Ritchie Wastes no Food

Monday, October 31st, 2005

Do you want to know how Nicole Ritchie keeps so darn skinny?

She sticks to her diet of eating nothing but cutlery.

I suggest that if anyone out there in Mitchieille is overweight, you should immediately go on the Nicole Ritchie cutlery diet.

I don’t suggest starting out by eating a salad fork like what Nicole is doing, you have to start smaller. Try a butter knife then work your way up. Remember, it’s all about sensible eating choices.

Picture is courtesy of the good folk over at the Hollywood Rag

Nicole Ritchie needs our help

Monday, August 22nd, 2005

I have to admit, Nicole Ritchie is looking alot better now that she’s down to 3 pounds. In the pic on the right, Nicole actually looks quite beautiful, words I thought that I would never utter. Some things are true whether you want to believe them or not, and one of those truths is that Nicole Ritchie looks damn fine. It just goes to prove that if you never eat, never work, drink like a fish, and screw everybody you see until your head caves in, you can look as good as Nicole Ritchie.

I applaud her, she’s a role model.

However, that’s only one picture, albeit a good one.

The next picture shows, especially when enlarged, that someone kidnapped Nicole Ritchie and replaced her with a white Rwandan woman.Look at her chestbone(s). Someone needs to force feed that woman a few french fries, she’s falling apart. If she wore a red dress, the poor woman would look like a thermometer.

Have a look at her bracelet, she better watch out it doesn’t go around her neck, it could strangle her to death. Complete the image, Nicole, shove a bone through your nose and a plate through your lip.

Nicole is the kind of woman that is going to look horrible when she gets older. And when I say horrible, I mean disgusting. And when I say disgusting, I mean the type of ugly that kids won’t come around her house at Halloween kind of ugly. Rest assured, Nicole Ritchie, in about 25 years, will be a hunch back. She will also have huge bug eyes that people are always too scared to look into. Her face is going to lose that cute, chubby cheeks look, and it will be replaced by a face that looks like it’s been sucking a lemon 24/7 for 45 years straight. Oh ya, also add about 9 million wrinkles to the equation.

I’d say that Nicole Ritchie would not make a good breeder. Not withstanding the fact that she is truly a genius, one of the smartest women in her house (if she lives alone), but based on her weight, her hip structure, and her obvious lack of any source to feed the child from directly, she is certainly not a breeder. Nicole doesn’t need to breed, too many people like Nicole are breeding already, and they’re breeding a steady stream of little Nicole’s. Someone has to stop the madness, and I call upon Nicole Ritchie to stand up and promise us that she will never breed. Be a leader, Nicole, do it for the children…the smarter ones.

Everything stolen from The Superficial.