Archive for the ‘onward happy workers’ Category

Possibly Sexist

Monday, July 30th, 2012

And they’ll be asked to wear white in order to match the other appliances, of course.

Easy Like Sunday Morning – Celebrating Diversity Edition

Sunday, May 1st, 2011

The Mayor nearly forgot to remind Mitchievillian’s that today in Celebrate Diversity Day in Mitchieville.

Make sure to head down to City Hall for the 4th annual clothing optional Celebrate Diversity Parade this afternoon. And when there, make sure to take in the many exhibits, exhibitors, and exhibitionists on display.

This years theme is Anyone But Whitey, and it’s going to be the bestest Diversity Day ever.

Victory Coffee

Saturday, October 23rd, 2010

Good Morning, Happy Worker.

Today is Sunday, and I want you to visualize the alternate reality that you have to go to work today. This is not going to be a comfortable day for you. You will visualize that you do not have clean underwear to put on; so pick out the least rancid pair. You can have a shower.

In the shower, ask yourself: Why am I going into work on a Sunday? Why indeed. You are going into work to donate a days pay to the tax spenders. They need stuff. They are suffering, and they need stuff. They never go to work, you know. And now you are, to support them, and the shrill harpies, the smelly hippies, the twin-souled (but never violent cross dressers), who count your coins, crisp your bills, and reject your paperwork.

But maybe you are blessed by fortune. You are in your traditional Sunday morning costume, suitable to your culture. A blue terry bathrobe, clean underwear, sandals.

If this is true, that you are not working today, Happy Worker, then it is also true that it is possible that your good fortune is the result of blessings showered upon you by Set, the Snake God. You are special. You are not food. You are not one of the first to be eaten.

It would be better, if this was true, for you to be one of the last to be eaten. Being last is best with Set, the Snake God. Yes? Perhaps the Set, the Snake God who favors you with sleeping in on Sunday, also has some volunteer work you can do, for brownie points. For privilege tokens. Privilege tokens come in colors, have different redeemable properties, and are amulets.

You want privilege tokens from Set, the Snake God.

Those that do not want privilege tokens, are more likely to be eaten sooner. Their assets (that nice office chair, the stapler, and move that plant) will be yours sooner, and more often, merely by being aware of the actuarial alchemy of the delicate palette of Set, the Snake God. Who is customer, who is chef, who is side order.

Around you, to the extent you have made burnt offerings to Set, the Snake God, you can witness tangible improvements in your life. The boss is getting laid again, and is reasonable. Street criminals have been dragged into garbage compactors. The guy in the wheelchairs’ insurance is going to pay for your bumper, hood, and windshield wipers. Drugs are better and cheaper in the bar. Your enemies are facing extinction at the hands of Darwinian forces. I could go on. And if you had privilege tokens, you could have more of this, more often.

You want privilege tokens from Set, the Snake God.


Now, cleanse your mind with mindless but snappy military music.

When Those Nasty Broads See This They’ll Flip A Kidney

Tuesday, August 17th, 2010

Mitchieville – where ironing is believed to be empowering.

Waiting For The Fatmobile

Friday, August 6th, 2010

Sing it with me – na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na HOTDOOOOOOOOGS, na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na HOTDOOOOOOOOGS.

I don’t know about you, but The Mayor thinks the new USPS uniforms are quite stylistic. It looks like the fabric is totally breathable. That’ll come in handy when “Big Steve” is dripping head sweat into baby mommas farewell cheque. Guffaw!

Oh noes, did I mention the USPS again?

Consider this post deleted.

Simon Edhouse – Technology Entrepreneur

Friday, November 27th, 2009

From:Simon Edhouse
Date: Monday 16 November 2009 2.19pm
To:David Thorne
Subject: Logo Design

Hello David,

I would like to catch up as I am working on a really exciting project at the moment and need a logo designed. Basically something representing peer to peer networking. I have to have something to show prospective clients this week so would you be able to pull something together in the next few days? I will also need a couple of pie charts done for a 1 page website. If deal goes ahead there will be some good money in it for you.

Simon

From:David Thorne
Date: Monday 16 November 2009 3.52pm
To:Simon Edhouse
Subject: Re: Logo Design

Dear Simon,

Disregarding the fact that you have still not paid me for work I completed earlier this year despite several assertions that you would do so, I would be delighted to spend my free time creating logos and pie charts for you based on further vague promises of future possible payment. Please find attached pie chart as requested and let me know of any changes required.

Regards, David.

 

graph_for_simon_edhouse

From:Simon Edhouse
Date: Monday 16 November 2009 4.11pm
To:David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Logo Design

Is that supposed to be a fucking joke? I told you the previous projects did not go ahead. I invested a lot more time and energy in those projects than you did. If you put as much energy into the projects as you do being a dickhead you would be a lot more successful.

From:David Thorne
Date: Monday 16 November 2009 5.27pm
To:Simon Edhouse
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Logo Design

Dear Simon,

You are correct and I apologise. Your last project was actually both commercially viable and original. Unfortunately the part that was commercially viable was not original, and the part that was original was not commercially viable.

I would no doubt find your ideas more ‘cutting edge’ and original if I had traveled forward in time from the 1950’s but as it stands, your ideas for technology based projects that have already been put into application by other people several years before you thought of them fail to generate the enthusiasm they possibly deserve. Having said that though, if I had traveled forward in time, my time machine would probably put your peer to peer networking technology to shame as not only would it have commercial viability, but also an awesome logo and accompanying pie charts.

Regardless, I have, as requested, attached a logo that represents not only the peer to peer networking project you are currently working on, but working with you in general.

Regards, David.

simon_edhouse_bendover

The rest of the email correspondence can be found here, at 27b/6™

**Thanks to HMH, who submits his valuable resources to the good folkage at Last of the Few

Hump Day Hottie

Wednesday, October 21st, 2009

candice-swanepoel

If you’re looking for information about today’s Hump Day Hottie, Candice Swanepoel, unless you know someone that works for Interpol, you aint gonna find any. Which probably isn’t so bad. The things we do know about her are pretty exciting though, let me tell ya! For instance, she wears a size 8 shoe, she’s South African, and her name loosely translated from the Mayan means, “One who smashes swans off light poles.” I love the old languages, they are very romantic.

She’s a lovely looking 21 year old, she’s pretty in pink, and I hope she gets a doctor to look at that thing on her neck that she’s picking. “Hey, Candice, stop pickin’ at it or it will never heal!”

I love playing doctor.

Keyser Pretends to Be Joe the Plumber

Saturday, October 18th, 2008


Our friend Iowahawk is offended by the colonoscopy shoved up “Joe the Plumber’s” ass by the “commentariat”:

We’ve all witnessed a lot of insanity in American politics over the last few years. Up until the last few days, none of it has seriously bothered me; hey, just more grist for the satire mill. But after witnessing the media’s blitzkreig on Joe ‘the Plumber’ Wurzelbacher, I can only muster anger, and no small amount of fear.
(more…)

Victory Coffee – (04/07/08)

Friday, July 4th, 2008

Friday is the worst day of the week. If anyone asks you, that is the correct answer. Happy Workers are happiest on Monday, especially around the start of work on Monday. That is the correct reason to use to support your correct answer.

Friday is a sign the week of tax earning for tax spenders to spend is over.

Todays privilege token is grey, again. Yes, because of the legendary efficiency of your non-ability management (hired and promoted on the basis of anything but efficency), there is a Global Warming fighting surplus of prune mush. Mmmmm, prune mush!

You can earn the grey privilege token by turning the office clock back an hour. Squeeze more work out of your fellow workers, Happy Worker! You can denounce all those that complain as racists. Are they wearing a clothes peg to show that they resist sleep while earning taxable income to support those that sleep while you work?

Be always smiling, Happy Worker!

I, Fenris Badwulf, wrote this.

Victory Coffee – (03/07/08)

Thursday, July 3rd, 2008

Victory Coffee! Shout it out as you perform your daily work, as you earn taxable income to pay for those that do not.

Yes, the have nots and won’t dos need you, Happy Worker. From the first beggar you pass on your sleepy shuffle to the urine stinking public transit, to the second beggar that has a better cell phone than you, to the third, whose inadequate disability pension barely keeps him in his apartment, and restricts him to a four week vacation in Cuba every year.

Happy Worker, put a smile on your face. Grumblers are traitors. They manifest the outer signs of not niceness. Not good. Ungood.

As you pour your packet of Victory Coffee into the warm tap water in your Victory Coffee Mug, smile for those whom Darwin called the unfit, because without the unfit there would be no employment for appeasers and accomodaters of the unfit. And without that, you would have no reason to pay and pay and pay for their salaries, pensions, and benefits.

Todays privilege is a grey privilege token. You can earn yourself an extra ladle of prune mush with this beauty. Mmmmmm.

Get to work, happy worker.

I, Fenris Badwulf, wrote this.

Victory Coffee – (02/07/08)

Wednesday, July 2nd, 2008

What a beautiful day to be working so that others do not have to work. Refreshed with your tapwater warm cup of victory coffee, you look forward to another day of making plenty for others who make nothing.

Todays campaign is The Great Leaders Campaign for Roughage. Without frequent reinforcements of fibre, the colon becomes tired and lazy. And what better way to push out the evil anti-socialist thought than with a double helping of Bran muffins?

Show you care about those who don’t care about their own families, by singing the patriotic slogan

(chorus) Make everyone else eat two muffins, too

Not One, not Three, but Two!
Hurrah for the Struggle for Increased Production!

Our Jackboots stomp on fingers and shoes
Warm coffee and donuts covered with sugar goo!

Extra bran muffins are available for loyal and productive workers who meet or exceed production quotas. Extra effort will be rewarded with additional tax burdens to fund the construction of safe injection sites at Toronto high schools and battered womens shelters.

I, Fenris Badwulf, wrote this, because I care.

Victory Coffee – (01/07/08)

Tuesday, July 1st, 2008

Your place of work is a place of suffering! Here you toil and sweat to earn tax money to keep those few less fortunate and those many who make sure the less fortunate remain dependent on your efforts.

Todays efficiency campaign is to fight against work place sleeping. You know who these people are. Even if you do not know any shirkers, you can earn a green privilege token by denouncing a co-worker and placing a clothes peg on their skin to keep them awake. Show your loyalty to the Central Authority by putting a few clothes pegs on your own skin to show that you care, that you care more.

Your sleepless, painful efforts to earn wages which are decimated by taxes so that taxspenders can sleep and obtain services are appreciated by taxspender administrators, taxspender supervisors, and taxspender co-ordinators. Without your sacrifice, they would have no office space, padded chairs, or canary yellow photo copy paper.

The green privilege token gives you an extra ladle of cold boiled spinnich from the bottom of the food bucket, and one packet of fair trade pepper! Mmmmmm.

I, Fenris Badwulf, wrote this because I care.