Archive for the ‘Paris Hilton’ Category

Paris Hilton Or France – Which Is Worse?

Tuesday, August 18th, 2009

which-is-worse

Paris Hilton for President

Wednesday, August 6th, 2008

If you want to waste 2 minutes of your life, be sure to check out Paris Hilton’s response to John McCain’s campaign ad where he compares Barack Obama to dimwitted celebrities. Honestly, scooping out the cat’s litter box is more entertaining.

Paris Hilton Loves All Four African Countries

Monday, March 24th, 2008

Paris Hilton was in South Africa over the weekend with boyfriend Benji Madden of Good Charlotte, when a reporter asked her what she thought of South Africa:

“I love Africa in general — South Africa and West Africa, they are both great countries.”

I guess it’s safe to say she’s not a big fan of the countries East Africa and North Africa. From what I hear, she thinks that East African kids need to eat more and take more baths…the little beggars are really dirty and quite skinny.

That would explain all the flies…

Paris To Visit Rwanda

Friday, September 28th, 2007


Paris Hilton is planning a trip to Rwanda in November to draw attention to the plight of world poverty:

“There’s so much need in that area, and I feel like if I go, it will bring more attention to what people can do to help,” she said.

Some people have insinuated that the only reason Paris is going to Rwanda is because she thinks there is a Hutu and the Blowfish concert that is being sponsored by the makers of Tootsi Rolls. If this is true then she is in for a huge surprise.

While I applaud Paris for going to Rwanda to bring awareness to poverty, these kind of humanitarian expeditions can blow up in your face. Like the time I went to Ethiopia to bring attention to world hunger. I got such a negative response that it actually hurt my feelings. Maybe it had something to do with the fact that I made my speech in a small village while eating a cheeseburger and large fries. But c’mon, I was starving, it was like 4 hours since the last time I ate.

A night in Paris

Paris Hilton Wants A Baby

Wednesday, September 5th, 2007


In an interview with Jackie Collins for Elle magazine, Paris Hilton says that she wants to have kids–and soon:

“I wanna have like a family and a guy,” she tells Collins, a lifelong family friend, in the Q&A. “Y’know, it just upsets me because I’m not anything like what people say about me, and this cartoon character that they’ve made of me is just completely false. It makes me mad that I’m such a good person and I’m treated like that by some people, I just don’t get it.”

Still, the 26-year-old isn’t letting the haters get her down—or get in the way of a good plan.

“I just started working out and it feels great,” she said. “It gives me so much energy. I want kids next year, so I’ve got to get my body ready.”

If Paris is planning to have a kid next year, and she doesn’t have any significant other on the go as of right now……ya, scary, eh?

I was talking to Paris about this last month. She confided in me that she wants to find a good man and settle down, have some kids, the white picket fence, all that jazz. I told her that she doesn’t need a man to get pregnant, she can be artificially inseminated. She said, artificially inseed-demon-what?

So I explained it to her. You take my sperm and insert it in your mouth. It has to be directly from the hose though, no exceptions.

Hmmmm, why not just go straight into the vagina? She asked.

Because I don’t want to die.

Okay, artificially inseed-demon-me then.

In five months when she figures this out she’s going to be pissed

Paris Hilton In German GQ

Monday, August 27th, 2007


So, GQ Germany claims it’s the most widely read German men’s magazine, yet it states clearly on the cover: “55 pages of fashion–What you should buy”. How the mighty have fallen.

Paris looks good though. It seems the German’s have a thing about Paris. Yup, once they’re into Paris, it’s hard to get them out. Thank you, I’ll be here all night.


My German is a bit rusty, but I’m nearly positive that says, “We all have to save energy. That’s why I’m negotiating with the motor companies to release a cool designed hybrid”.

God help us all if that is true. Can you imagine the Paris hybrid? It would be like the ultimate retard car ever designed. I’m thinking it would look something like the car Homer designed for his brothers car company in the Simpson’s, except with a monstrous backseat for ultimate comfy humpings.

Free man in Paris

Thursday, June 7th, 2007


Initially I was going to do a weekly Paris Hilton diary from jail….however, as many of you may already know, she was released today to 40 days of house arrest instead. So, you will have to enjoy the abbreviated version of her three day stay in the slammer.

Day 1 excerpts:
8:00 AM- Paris checks in and thankfully doesn’t have to submit to a full body cavity search; a project her fellow inmates will no doubt examine at a later time.
8:01 AM- Paris cries for the first time.
8:05 AM- Paris asks if the jump-suits come in another colour other than flat, fall pumpkin citrus?
8:05:15 AM- When informed they also come in orange, Paris cries again.
8:21 AM- Paris is aghast at the limited closet space and wants to know when she’ll be seeing the rest of her accommodations?
8:22 AM- Informed that the closet is her cell, Paris cries.
9:15 AM- Paris asks for a Perrier with a lemon twist.
9:16 AM- When informed she has perfectly good water located in her toilet, Paris cries and spends much of the rest of the day crying.

Day 2 excerpts:

7:00 AM- The bidding begins and Paris is sold to Big Bertha for a pack of smokes and a tube of lip gloss.
7:01 AM- Paris spends the rest of the day crying and hiding under her bunk while Big Bertha runs to grease up her fist.
10:17 PM- Paris complains of being cold and asks for another blanket.
10:22 PM- Guards deliver the blanket- made from the jagged-ass-wool from around a sheep’s anus.
10:22:02 PM- Paris cries.

Day 3 excerpts:

9:01 AM- Paris gets a visit from her Lawyer and her Psychiatrist. It is determined that Paris will be released to serve out her sentence in the confines of her 9,000 square foot home, but will have to wear a monitoring ankle bracelet.
9:02 AM- Paris asks how many diamonds are on the bracelet?
9:03 AM- When informed none, Paris cries and is escorted home.

* Apparently her early release was due to an unspecified medical reasons.

I’m no doctor, but I didn’t think having a fist pumped repeatedly into your vagina was classified as a medical reason?

Personally I am so outraged by this blatant two-tiered justice system for the rich that if I could afford to stay in the Hilton, I wouldn’t, just to protest. I’d say “That’s the last time you’ll ever find me in a Hilton”, which of course is what Big Bertha said too. *snare/cymbal*

Truth is stranger than Strange

Paris Hilton Has Escaped From Jail

Thursday, June 7th, 2007

I’m kidding, of course, escaping from jail would actually mean Paris would have to do something other than standing like a statue and saying, “That’s hot!”

Law enforcements have told TMZ that Paris Hilton was released from prison today due to a medical condition:

Law enforcement sources tell TMZ Paris Hilton’s medical condition was purely psychological and that she was in peril of having a nervous breakdown, and that’s why she was released early this morning.

When the news first broke this morning that Paris Hilton was released from jail due to a medical condition, I’m sure most of us thought, how can a person be released from prison just because they have herpes? Herpes be damned, Paris has REAL problems.

I’m not sure that letting a person out of jail because they’re on the verge of a nervous breakdown is setting a good precedent. “My Jones, you have killed 5 people in cold blood, you have raped half of Pennsylvania, but seeing as though you’re looking a little twitchy, why don’t you go home and get a good night sleep”. Yaaaaaaa, I’m not so sure that’s sending the right message.

TMZ–Don’t let them catch you

You Should Feel Sorry For Paris Hilton

Tuesday, May 15th, 2007

A few weeks before her sentencing, Paris Hilton was photographed smoking a little ganja while backstage at last month’s Coachella music festival.

While this really isn’t news, other than the fact that we now have a picture of her smoking pot instead of the usual pictures of her smoking a bone, I found this part of the article pretty funny:

The online Free Paris Hilton petition has gathered more than 25,000 signatures – but unfortunately for the reality TV star, a rival campaign, Jail Paris Hilton, is twice as popular, with more than 60,000 supporters.

It’s funny because I have a good source that told me that TH III, MACCO, all fellow Mitchievillian’s, have voted at least 2000 each to have Paris incarcerated.

Sadly, Jihad Jimmy voted 3700 times to have Paris freed. Then again, he’s always been a sucker for dirty blonde’s…and it doesn’t get any dirtier than Paris Hilton.

Paris Hilton Sentenced to 45 Days in Jail

Friday, May 4th, 2007

Paris Hilton is seen here with her father, leaving the Los Angeles Municipal Court after being sentenced to 45 days of jail time in the county clink. No having her assistant pick up trash for her while she holds her little yappy dog doing community service. No diamond studded ankle bracelet confining her to her mansion. Paris must go behind bars.

The average person will find it a little hard not to feel sorry for Paris. I, on the other hand, only feel sorry for the prisoners at the jail where this coke-snortin’, herpe circus is going to be spreading her infections and diseases. These are prisoners for God’s sake, not human petri dishes.

That’s Hot!

The New Paris Hilton T-Shirt

Thursday, October 5th, 2006

For the love of everything holy, someone please buy me this.

Courtesy of Fugly

Paris Hilton Arrested on Drunk Driving Charge

Thursday, September 7th, 2006

Paris Hilton was arrested early Thursday morning in Hollyweird and charged with driving under the influence:

TMZ has learned LAPD officers noticed Paris driving her Mercedes McLaren SLR erratically at 12:31 AM and stopped her. They believed she exhibited signs of intoxication. We’re told they administered a field sobriety test, and Paris blew a .08. In California, driving with a .08 blood alcohol level is the minimum level for DUI.

Paris was arrested and taken to the LAPD Hollywood division, where she was booked. The officers who stopped the car did not know it was Paris Hilton until they approached the vehicle on foot. Police sources say she was cooperative. Paris had a passenger in the car, Kimberly Stewart, Rod Stewart’s daughter.

Paris’ boyfriend, Kevin Connolly, Nicky Hilton and Paris’ publicist, Elliot Mintz, arrived at the police station shortly before 2am, where Hilton was released on her own recognizance. Mintz goes on to explain:

He said she had a single drink a margarita the entire evening and shortly thereafter she was stopped. She was asked to take a breathalyzer test when she was stopped and cooperated. She took a second test at the station.TMZ spoke with Paris as she was driving home from jail, stopping for Parliament Lights cigarettes en route. She says she regrets it occurred, and adds that she has been up for 24 hours, having shot a music video all day.

Driving under the influence in a misdemeanor in California, which means Paris doesn’t face jail time, although she could face llicenseer licence for 90 days and ordered to attend an alcohol program.

So, Mintz is claiming that Paris only had one drink and still blew .08? The only way I believe that is if the drink was served to Paris in a keg.

For video and more news about Paris and her drinkie drinkie problem, visit TMX