Archive for the ‘Philosophy’ Category
Is it proper to wish someone a happy MLK Day? Is that the way it works?
If you’re in the grocery store paying for your milk and bread today, would you wish the cashier a happy MLK Day, or do you just give her some cash and go about your business?
I suppose we will never, ever, ever know the answer to that amazing question. Too bad.
Aside from Jesus Christ, Aristotle is probably the most famous philosopher who people know the least about what he actually said.
Let’s take a look at The Nicomachean Ethics, which outline much of Aristotle’s views on happiness and what makes us virtuous. Essentially his view was that ethics could be broken into a histogram and that it was preferable to sit in the middle, which has come to be known as the Doctrine of the Mean. This is handy for those who don’t want to appear “simplistic” as it now creates two opposites of a virtue instead of one. For those of you who don’t want to be bogged down with simple opposites like “good” and “evil”, we now have two extremes in opposite directions of whatever you happen to think.
Master Sun said:
“The way of war is a way of deception. When able, feign inability; When deploying troops, appear not to be; When near, appear far; When far, appear near; Lure with bait; Strike with chaos. If the enemy is full, be prepared. If strong, avoid him. If he is angry, disconcert him. If he is weak, stir him to pride. If he is relaxed, harry him; If his men are harmonious, split them. Attack where he is unprepared; Appear where you are unexpected. This is victory in warfare; It cannot be divulged in advance.”
- Sun-Tzu (551-496 B.C.)
Master Sun says a great many things in his book “The Art of War”, written a long time before a hippie with European features was tortured and murdered by the Romans. Much of it can be taken to heart, but one must also realize that the antiquated virtues of discipline, honour, and command must be eradicated. In their place you must learn “The Cowards Way”.
The Cowards Way has won a great many battles, and has served some of the greatest cowards on the face of the earth. It served Adolf Hitler by attacking his allies when they weren’t expecting it. It served Josef Stalin when he assassinated all of his loyal Generals. And it served George W Bush when he preemptively attacked the nearly defenseless dictatorship of Iraq and usurped Saddam Hussein’s coveted oilfields. But let’s face it. We needed that oil. The Cowards Way need not be used solely by nations and armies, but also, as Master Sun pointed out, for the warrior himself.
One must remember many of the principles laid out by Master Sun above. First, is the way of deception. One cannot be a proper coward if one appears contrary to the necessary disposition required. For instance, when dealing with someone weaker than you, it is the cowards way to feign physical superiority, even if dealing with the most puny looking emaciated woman (like Uma Thurman), one must always remember:
“Ultimate excellence lies not in winning every battle, but in defeating the enemy without ever fighting.”
When facing a formidable opponent, however, feign weakness, or if you do not have to feign it, embellish your weakness. Make the enemy believe that victory is so certain that engaging in battle will be a waste of everyone’s time. Whimper, cry, and shriek like a small child so that the very sight of you makes your opponent look away in shame and disgust. Shirk from battle; embrace the cowardice of your ways, and back down from every opportunity to face the enemy head on. Then, when he turns his back to you in victory, hit him in the back of his skull with your hockey stick and spit on his unconscious body as you skate by.
Many of you have probably lost battles you could have won by pretending to be strong against equal or stronger opponents. Unless you are a 31-year-old man battling an 8-year-old child with down syndrome, always use the tactics displayed by the great leaders Hitler, Stalin, and Bush. For instance, using Hitlers tactics, you could befriend a person while secretly alienating him to everyone else. Then while he is busy fighting your own foes, you creep up behind him and whack him in the back of the skull.
Remember that skull-bashing from behind is not the only effective method of The Cowards Way. Equally important in full battle is “hitting one square in the balls”, “biting”, “eye-gouging”, and of course how could one forget “hair-pulling”. In war, there is no “girl fighting”, there is only the winner (you) and the loser (the unconscious hockey player lying on the ice). An excellent tactic in warfare is to refuse a battle, and then to wage one by hitting the player from behind into the boards while he skates into the corner for the puck. You’ll be out of the penalty box about 6,000 minutes earlier than his concussion will be finished.
Another way of defeating an opponent can be done without any physical violence at all. The master propagandist Joseph Goebbels managed to prop up his cowardly chicken farming Nazi pals with all kinds of tall tales about their supposed Aryan superiority. One must never underestimate the publics willingness to believe any kind of lies, even ones which are ridiculous and impossible. By telling everybody how smart the Nazis were, they actually managed to convince the people that Jews, such as Albert Einstein, were morons.
A very important component of The Cowards Way is knowing when to flee. Will Smith once said “A good run is better than a bad stand any day.” Why stick around to get your ass kicked when the ass kicking is almost assured? It’s better to run as fast as your girl legs can carry you. There will always be another day for revenge, or for the opportunity to hit the guy in the back of his skull with a hockey stick.
If it is a battle against a woman, there is no guarantee of success in a frontal assault, as the ramifications of a loss to the female species would be an emasculation that would have reverberations to the end of time itself. It is much better to use verbal assaults on women, who are far more susceptible to attacks on their appearance and physical shortcomings. If the woman is tall, point out that tall women can’t find men to date because men have an inferiority complex probably stemming from an uncomfortable repressed memory of being attracted to their mothers when they were toddlers. If the woman is short, use her size to undermine her in a general sense, by gazing over her head, talking down to her, and using tried, tested, and true insults about her stubby limbs and puny frame.
The Way of the Coward is deception at all times. By showing your weakness, your enemies will underestimate you and your plan to hit them in the back of the skull when they aren’t looking. Remember that the greatest cowards are not born; it takes years of dedicated patience and cowardice to come to the point where you can sit in a solid steel bunker and have innocent women and children murdered at your beck and call.
So remember, it’s only dirty fighting if you lose. Take Todd Bertuzzi for example. He sure taught Steve Moore a lesson he won’t soon forget. Sure, Bertuzzi lost money, time, and gained a reputation as one of the most gutless pukes in the NHL; but he’s not the one with the broken neck now, is he? Take that, Steve Moore!
In closing, the way of the warrior is the way of the coward. Master Sun once said:
“Know the enemy, know yourself.”
And know that dropping your gloves is no substitute for a hockey stick to the back of the skull.