Before Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton and the rest of the race baiter brigade get all riled up and start accusing Wal Mart of racism for selling the Lady Momeisha doll for half the price of the Mz. Britknee doll, they should first realize it wasn’t Wal Mart’s idea - it was Lady Momeisha’s pimp.

I really dig babes from Buffalo, NY, they really know how to party down. Smokers, drinkers, I bet you these chicks can spit a loogie 30′ with NO tailwind.

Here’s a true story that may or may not be amusing: A bunch of my friends and I went to Buffalo for a night back about 25 years ago. At the time, you only had to be 18 to get booze in Buffalo, where as in Ontario you had to be 19. So we went there to get stinky and cause trouble. We ended up drinking before we attempted to find lodgings, which was dumb, so by the time we went to find a place to sleep, everything was sold out.

After an hour or so trolling the strip for a place to sleep, we ended up at a joint called The Nap & Crap, or whatever. It was a place where people go to die. My buddies and I walked in to the office and there was Madge, or Doris, or Maude, standing in a house coat with her hair wrapped in a towel. She growled, “You boyzzzz looking for a place to stay?”

We should have run, but curiosity got the best of us.

She told us she had one room left, it wasn’t great, but it was cheap. Considering we weren’t great but we were cheap, we told her to show it to us. She brings us to this room with a bullet hole in the door. Excellent. She opens the doors and right when we all walk in, she closes the door and snorts this throat loogie up from the depths of her ass. Hhhhhhhhhhhhtttttttttt. Sexy-like.

One second after she coughs up this loogie, my buddy says, “WE’LL TAKE IT!”

To this day that story still makes me giggle.

Anyway, as I said, you may or may not find that story amusing.

Hey, look over there!

You would think by now, everybody would know that nothing good ever comes from hanging around Freddie Kruger. Oh sure, he may seem all cool, listening to Bryan Ferry on his flashy new Sony Walkman, but the minute he steps out onto that resort cottage way up north, consider yourself dead. DEAD!

I’m not sure why kids nowadays don’t know about something I would consider public knowledge. Maybe it’s due to their lack of access to state-controlled television outlets. That’s my guess. If only kids would watch more tv…

Fashion, like art, is subjective. One man’s filthy, smelly, crack-smokin’, lice infested street urchin is another man’s suave, sophisticated, snausage sucking, pathetic little effeminate girlie man.

Who wears a bike helmut.

That’s what the Spanish refer to as “el cocko blocko.”

You didn’t know I spoke Spanish, did you? Sure, I’m a man of many tongues.

And speaking of many tongues, ahhh, never mind, this is a family blog…

Wow, I didn’t know Lilith Fair was back in town already.

A party isn’t a party until children start draining the nectar from a ponch-bellied, fig leaf wearin’, barrel totin’, Swedish man’s fluffenheimer. All those bases are covered? Then rock on!

I wonder how long we can go without saying the obvious joke here. 5 minutes? 5 hours? 5 hours and 5 minutes?

Heck with it, I’m saying it: Nice wristband, hippie.

Last year it was the lamp shade on your head, this year you’re pulling up your top. I swear, if you show us your granny panties next year, I’m taking you straight to the home!

I had a stir fry tonight for dinner, first time I’ve ever tried one. It wasn’t strictly a vegetable stir fry, although there were vegetables in it, of course. It had some sliced pork, broccoli, sugar peas, carrots, mushrooms, bean sprouts and some delicious sauce. I have to say, although I’m not a big vegetable guy, it was pretty delicious. It’s funny how I’ve gone decades without ever trying a stir fry because I thought it sounded sissyish, but then all of a sudden I try it and I end up liking it. Funny how things work out like that. Granted, it’s not something I would eat all the time, but maybe once or twice a month.

I hope you had a lovely day.

Is your child suffering from a blocked nasal cavity? Is he/she/it finding it hard to breathe? Well now you can relax, because help is on the way.

The new Syphonator 5000 from Fenproducts is the newest, bestest way to unclog your child’s congested proboscis. Simply slip one end of the Siphonator 5000 into your child’s nostrils, and slip the other end of the Syphonator 5000 into your mouth and suck. And suck. And suck your child’s mucus away. Say goooooodbye epithelial cells, leukocytes and esophageal secretions, and say hello to fresh air and unclogged cavities.

You always said you would take a bullet for your child; you always said you would die for your child; you always said that if you could, you would take your child’s sufferings and make them your own. Now it’s time to walk the walk, now is the time to suck the gunk.

The Syphonator 5000, in better stores near you.

I’m not sure if it was the wonderful cookies Shirley use to bake for the children, or if it was the time she use to spend conducting arts and crafts for the little ones, but one thing’s for certain - Shirley was the most popular mom on the whole block with the neighbourhood kids. Come to think about it, she was even the most popular mom with all the fathers.

Must have been the cookies.

Because Russians are drunkards. Do you see how quickly I tuned in to the meat of that joke? Impressive. And here’s you thinking the Russian knife insinuated that they’re screwy.