Archive for the ‘product of mitchieville’ Category

Mitchieville Shopping Network

Thursday, August 25th, 2011

How many times have you said to yourself, “Boy, wouldn’t it be wonderful if I had a deer foot ashtray for my discarded butts?”

Well now you have a chance to own one all for yourself. Courtesy of Ronco, The Ohhh Deer Foot Smoke Tray® can be yours for the introductory price of only $39.99 + shipping and handling. No more butting your smokes out on the carpet, or leaving them in your fridge, or putting them out in your aunties delicious upside down cake – not when the Ohhh Deer Foot Smoke Tray® is there!

Over-sized hooves (or hoofs, for our friends from Newfoundland), coupled with a pure, 100% tin tray, the Ohhh Deer Foot Smoke Tray® is not only decorative, but functional as well. Do you smoke in every room of your house? Then why not buy 2? Or 3. Or 420.

Call now, operators are standing by!

Introducing – Diet Tape

Thursday, February 17th, 2011

Only $19.99. And if you act now, we’ll send you not one, not two, not even three, but FOUR packages of our revolutionary Diet Tape!

Supplies are limited, order now!

Operators are standing by.

Mathematics For Beautiful People

Monday, January 5th, 2009

Here in our second installment of “You, Beauty, and You”, we here at the tech support department of Mitchieville are about educating the public. Education is not just a privilege, but a right. Any society that doesn’t allow a 35-year-old working on his fourth doctorate and working as a TA in perpetuity is just not worth our while.

That’s why I want to give jeers to the ultra-racist mathists over at Sense About Science for mocking the very talented and fragrant Mariah Carey for her use of E=MC2 on her latest album. We all know that math is as much about creativity as it is about outdated typical white male blather about “correct meanings” and “right answers”. This is typical of an Anglo-Saxon German concept.

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What a Way to Make a Living

Saturday, October 18th, 2008

And there was Keyser thinking that he leads a dangerous life!

Hans-Jürgen Weise, one of Germany’s most experienced bomb disposal experts, will never forget his hairiest moment.
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What’ll They Think of Next?

Friday, October 17th, 2008

Keyser wanders into dark and off-the-beaten-track sections of the Interwebz in search of novelty items for his readership, and sometimes he finds astonishing wonders of modern technology.

First, the “Mini Butt-Licker“:

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Product of Mitchieville

Tuesday, September 9th, 2008

For sale: Cursed Portrait of Kali.

Your price: 295.95.

This common, cheap picture of Kali * (retail 9.95), has been accursed. Now you can give Fenris Badwulf your money and have it mailed to someone you do not like. They will suffer!

I, Fenris Badwulf, wrote this.

Free catalogue with every order!

Product of Mitchieville

Saturday, August 16th, 2008

One of the most exciting things about being an employment equity hire at Mitchieville is the large paycheque, meeting high profile people, the exciting work, and the complete lack of need for ability! As Press Release Co-ordinator reporting to the Ministry of Re-Education, I, August Heinrich Hoffmann von Fallersleben, get to report to You, The People of Mitchieville, what our beloved Minister of Re-Education, Fenris Badwulf, thinks you should think. I am your personal Toronto Star!

Friend Manager 9000 This is an exciting new piece of software developed by fine folks at the Fenris Badwulf House of Incomprehensible Software. Friend Manager 9000 will handle all of your e-mail traffic, from routine business chatter, to friends and family. Today, I accompany Fenris Badwulf on a visit to the place where happy, productive workers work in third world conditions to produce the sonnets and deathless prose used by patrons of Friend Manager 9000.

It is only a few steps from the elevator to the spacious natural setting where Fenris keeps his stable of poets and artists who tirelessly produce for the Friend Manager 9000 project.

AHHvF: Well, Minister Fenris, how do you motivate your gifted artists to produce all that beautiful poetry and prose for the use of your clients?

Fenris: I lock them up down deep in the dungeons. If they want to eat, they work. If they want privileges, they have to work harder, faster, and more often.

AHHvF: That sounds so third world!

Fenris: Thats right. And none of them are getting out until I get an Order of Canada. And I can flood the dungeons with sewage at any time.

AHHvF: Thats great!

We proceed down a corridor to where there is a sun lamp pointing at a steel door. One of the fine folks at Mitchieville, Leslie, was there, motivating one of the artists.

Artist: No! No! Please!

Leslie: You have failed in your work quota.

Artist: No! No! Please, No!

Leslie: This ‘Sonnet 357B’ … you mention ‘You are Heroin for my soul’?.

Artist: Sonnet 357B? I, I write two sonnets an hour, twelve hours a day …

Leslie: I don’t like it.

Artist: I, uh, I, uh

Leslie: Heroin is already heroin for the soul. It is no good, this sonnet. No sunlight for you.

Leslie puts her hand over a hole in the door, blocking the sun lamp from shining into the spacious work environment.

Artist: No! No! I live on three cockroaches and two bowls of prune mush a day! I live in a room the size of a septic tank. Let me have my five minutes of sunlight! Aaaaaah!

Leslie: Get to work, you worm. Hurry.

Fenris: Excellent effort, Leslie. You are a model of efficiency.

Leslie draws a deep breath whilst Fenris, always a gentleman, kisses her on the leather gloved hand.

AHHvF: Your stable of artists here … they are all Canada Arts Council recipients?

Fenris: Every last parasite of them. Tapeworm poets, liver fluke novelists, and brain worm buskers. They should have thought about the consequences of their actions before they whored after taxpayers money.

AHHvF: These are the people that produce the poetry that your software produces?

Fenris: Only the ones we can dupe, drug, and kidnap. We bring them down, down here. It is better for the planet that way. The school pockets their Canada Council money, social assistance, and travel allowance. Their suffering is sweet music. I enjoy watching Leslie make them suffer.

Leslie: I enjoy knowing that.

Fenris: I enjoy their suffering even more, knowing that.

Leslie: I am going to The Club for dinner, tonight.

Fenris: The usual table?

Leslie: (nodding) Tonight, I wear my leopard ensemble …

So, there you have it. Friend Manager 9000. With love notes written by talented artists, and supplied to you by efficient professionals! I highly recommend this product!

I, August Heinrich Hoffmann von Fallersleben, wrote this.

Product of Mitchieville

Wednesday, July 30th, 2008

Buy these products direct from Mitchieville

Remote Control Punishment Taser. your price: 1,095.95! The caring people here in Mitchieville were the first to build a taser onto a lockable neck strap. The taser only works on whoever you have it strapped to. Great for hard to discipline children. No more complaining, ever. You can now administer painful electric shock to your friends, children, co-workers or employees, using a reconditioned TV remote controller. Battery good for eight hours of pain. Range limited to the same distance as your TV remote. Lockable neck fastener has a tamper proof high voltage setting. The hardest part will be getting them to put it on.

You want this? Send me 1,095.95 right now.


Ant soap. your price 5.99 each!
The caring people at Mitchieville have added ground up ants to this fragrant prune scented soap as a exfoliant. Ants have armoured skin, which when added as fragments and shattered carapaces, imparts all the goodness of a skin scrubber. Ant pheremones are absorbed through the skin of anyone using this wonderful soap. Makes you irresistible to ants, bees, wasps, hornets, and hornet eating bears. A great gift.

You want this? Send me 5.99 right now.