Archive for the ‘Public Service Announcement’ Category

Adopt A Diaper-Canadian

Tuesday, November 27th, 2012

2012 marked the first year in the United States that tax-spenders outweighed taxpayers. It has been calculated that 53% of Americans do not pay any tax, while 47% (the magical 47%) pay for those *less fortunate*.

The same can be said in Canada. The % points may be up or down by 1 or 2 or 3, but we’re all in the same ballpark.

Taxpayers in Mitchieville are always approaching The Mayor, curious as to where their tax money is really going. They see the Diaper-Canadians on the street every day, lounging about while talking on their cell phones, wearing $200 sneakers, and prancing around in designer clothing, wearing gold chains, and eating fast foods. “Is this where my tax dollars are being spent, they ask?”

Yes, yes it is.

Mitchievillians are not happy about this, but The Mayor has a solution that will most certainly put a smile back upon their glorious faces: Adopt a Diaper Canadian (ADC).

The Mayor feels if we can put a human face on welfare – a Google Street View face on welfare, if you may – taxpayers will feel better about where their money is going. Here is how the program will work.

This program is based along the same line as Adopt a Highway, a very successful program whereby *sponsors* volunteer to keep a section of a certain part of highway clean and free from litter, in exchange, the *sponsor* receives a plaque on the section of the highway it maintains.

How this translates in Mitchevillian terms is that each *sponsor* (taxpayer) will continue to pay their fair share of taxes (and possibly a bit more). In return, Taxpayer will receive a picture of the tax-spender they are sponsoring, and tax-spender will receive a picture of the person *sponsoring* them. Since there is never a lack of Diaper Canadians, there is no need to worry that said taxpayer will ever run out of tax-spenders to *gift*.

Each month, it is the duty of the of Diaper-Canadian to contact their *Sponsor* to inform them how and where they looked for work the previous month, and what they are doing to better themselves as human beings. This is known as the “Cleaning Process”, or, “Picking up Trash” process. If said Diaper-Canadian doesn’t adhere by these rules, the *Sponsor* will inform the proper authorities and tax-spender will have their benefits cut off immediately, and go to the bottom of a list known as the *Trash Pile*. Each month, government officials will collect the trash pile and take it to what is referred to as the *Compost Hill*, where the file of Diaper Canadian will be disposed of. This is an important part of the Cleaning Process.

This easy-to-follow program will put a human face on welfare. Tax-spenders will be required by law to have a 16″ x 20″ glossy picture of their *sponsor* hanging on the wall in their living room, so they can see that it is actually taxpayers that allow them to exist, not some faceless government entity that shuffles and redistributes taxpayer money to those with no conscience.

If Diaper-Canadians really are looking for work, then they should have no problem following these rules. It’s kind of like, if you have nothing to hide, then you won’t mind the government going through your emails. Kinda like that. Kinda.

A win-win for both taxpayers and Diaper-Canadians alike.

Vote The Mayor – 2014

Another Gold Medal

Friday, April 1st, 2011

The Mayor could not be more proud.

A Message From Mitchieville Hydro

Friday, July 16th, 2010

The recent heatwave we have experienced the last two week’s in Mitchieville has put an incredible strain on our water supply. Simply put, without proper water conservation going forward, the citizens of Mitchieville face the real threat of a water shortage.

The Mayor of Mitchieville has designed a new Outdoor Water Use Program (OWUP) that, while somewhat restricts water usage, allows us to better monitor and distribute water in a more timely fashion.

Level 1 – Blue – Careful Use

  • Voluntary odd and even day lawn-watering in effect.
  • No serious shortage at this level.
  • Voluntary reduction of outdoor water use.

Level 2 – Yellow – Limited Use

  • Mandatory odd and even day lawn-watering in effect.
  • Reservoir levels have decreased to 75% capacity.
  • Enforcement increases at this level.

Level 3 – Red – Reduce & Stop

  • All lawn & garden watering is no longer allowed.
  • Reservoir levels are as low as 55%.
  • Stop all non-essential outdoor watering.
  • bathe in a large barrel with at least one other person
  • urinate outside on shrubs, no flushing of toilets
  • water will be turned off to all residential houses and extra police will be brought in to monitor citizens water usage through direct street patrols
  • illegal use of water, ie – drinking of water – will result in a minumun $5000.00 fine

I have assigned Fenris Badwulf to head this most important program. If you have any questions or concenrs, please do not hesitate to contact Mr. Badwulf through his assistanct, Sonja De Sade.