Archive for the ‘PUNS’ Category

Maximum PUNishment

Thursday, August 6th, 2009

1.  A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons.  The Stewardess looks at him and says, ‘I’m sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.
2.  Two fish swim into a concrete wall.  The one turns to the other and says, ‘Dam!’
3.  Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft.  Unsurprisingly, it sank, proving once again that you can’t have your kayak and heat it, too.
4.  Two hydrogen atoms meet.  One says, ‘I’ve lost my electron.’  The other says, ‘Are you sure?’  The first replies, ‘Yes, I’m positive.’
5.  Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal?  His goal: transcend dental medication.
6.  A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories.  After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.  But why they asked, as they moved off.   ‘Because,’ he said, ‘I can’t stand chess-nuts boasting in an open  foyer.’
7.  A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption.  One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named Ahmal.  The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him Juan.  Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother.  Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal.  Her husband responds, ‘They’re twins!  If you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Ahmal.’
8.  A group of friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened a small florist shop to raise funds.  Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair.  He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not.  He went back and begged the friars to close.  They ignored him.  So, the rival florist hired Hugh  MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to ‘persuade’ them to  close.  Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he’d be back if they didn’t close up shop.  Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent florist friars.
9.  Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet.  He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.  This made him (Oh, man, this is SO BAD, it’s good) a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
10.  And, finally, there was the person who posted ten different puns, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make his readers laugh.  No pun in ten did.

**Taken in full from Bits & Pieces

Friday’s PUNtastic

Friday, February 8th, 2008

So many people correctly guessed that yesterday’s pun was (K)Nightmare, that it made me thing that either I’m a complete idjit for not knowing that or Mitchieville’s readership is nothing short of brilliant. I’m going to go with the brilliant part as it is too hard to admit I’m some sort of idjit.

Speaking of idjits, I received an interesting comment from yesterday’s pun post that had nothing to do with said pun, but everything to do with the evil Jews and Americans. Let’s have a peak, shall we?

So you tell me who created Saddam in the first place, also Alqaeda and Taliban were good guys when American needed them against Soviets and now they are evil.

Mark stated correctly when he answered–”Ergo, alliances can never change once they’re established?

Imagine that how many people who have lost their family members in these wars can become the potential future terrorists. This will never stop.

If that were true, then Al Queda and the Taliban would be extinct, because they have killed many more people in Iraq and Afghanistan than America and its allies have–MUCH more. Where are those *potential* terrorists you speak of?

You seem to forget how many people Saddam had fed to the shredders, or how many Kurds he had gassed, or how many people just upped and disappeared under his regime. And also under the regimes of your boy Ahmadinejad or Khomeini. Yet, there are no internal terrorists to speak of. Where are they?

If democracy was possible by war that would be great but I hope you are not brainwashed by the American Fox news stuff.

Bombing the hell out of Japan and Germany sure did wonders for them. They decided Democracy was better than the alternative. I also see that you’re from Iran but live in Australia. Why aren’t you happy with the freedoms Iran granted you, why did you feel the need to move to a country that occupies Iraq and has soldiers in Afghanistan?

How do you expect Iran trust US while they only see these countries as a market for their goods and suppliers of oil?

Get over yourself Mac and don’t let these American and Zionist brainwashing machines full u.

And if the US didn’t buy your oil, how would your country even exist? Right, it wouldn’t.

You say that I am brainwashed by American and Zionists. Yet, you blindly support your Iranian gov’t that has threatened to nuke Israel. You support a gov’t that kidnaps and kills its own citizens (including Canadian female journalists). You support a gov’t that encourages stonings. You support a gov’t that suppresses virtually any public expression of dissent. You support a gov’t that detains its citizens without charge and kills its citizens that are homosexual. You support a gov’t that imprisons its students for the crime of peacefully protesting. You support a gov’t that denies even the most basic of human rights to its own citizens.

Pal, by the grace of our Christian God, Iran still stands as a country today. America has the power 1000 times over to nuke Iran back to the stone age–not that anyone would be able to tell the difference. Iran is a shithole that has been getting away with too much shit for too long, but its time is drawing near. Trust me.

Read a book, lose your anti-Semitic attitude and step into the 21st century. It’s not the 7th century any more, it’s time to live in the present.

So, any idea what today’s pun is?

Thursday’s PUNarific!

Thursday, February 7th, 2008

Yesterday’s pun was *IPod*. You see, there was a pod, and a giant eye, and when put together, it = IPod. In retrospect, that was pretty weak.

Today’s pun is a little harder, but I have the utmost confidence that a few of you will come through and get the correct answer. Who knows, it may even be someone from America.

Wednesday’s Punorama

Wednesday, February 6th, 2008

If you guessed that Tuesday’s PUNishment answer was Farrah Fawcett or virgin tap water, you made me laugh. However, you are wrong. The answer was indeed, Tap Dancer. It all makes so much sense now, doesn’t it? Like the time when that homeless guy taught you about the birds and the bees and it turned out that it made more sense than your theory that women got pregnant by swallowing watermelon seeds. Man, you sure were a dumb 20 year old.

Maybe today is the day when the grande pun which I have offered up to you like a sweet virgin comes to fruition in your mind. Maybe today is the turning point in your life. I’m glad I could be a part of it. Now get over here and give me a hug, poopy pants.

Tuesday’s Punishment

Tuesday, February 5th, 2008

For those of you that said yesterday’s pun was Salmonellae Plant or a dozen eggs, I congratulate your wrongness. You are cute, possibly even sweet, but completely wrong.

For those of you that guessed Eggplant, well look at you. Look how punarific you are. Smartness becomes you, you are at one with the smartness. Smarty smarty smarty.

How about today’s? Pardon? I didn’t hear that, were you talking while I was typing? It’s hard enough to type my thoughts as they occur without you yammering at me. Just send me an email and I’ll respond at an appropriate time.

Anyway, do you have a guess at today’s pun? What? Are you still jawing? For the love of everything pure, I’m nearly finished, try holding your thoughts for one bloody second.

So, do you…whu? Man, enough already, this is getting a little old, dontcha think?

Monday’s Punday

Monday, February 4th, 2008

Any idea?