Archive for the ‘Sarah Jessica Parker’ Category
Speaking at a news conference to promote her new movie Ugly As A Dog Turd I Don’t Know How She Does It, Sarah Jessica Parker told reporters how she is preparing for Hurricane Irene:
The actress says she’s removing anything that could fly through windows. She’s also making sure she and husband Matthew Broderick, their 2-year-old twins Loretta and Tabitha, and 8-year-old son James Wilkie are stocked up on water, flashlights and batteries.
Sarah Jessica Parker also mentioned she has stocked up on oats, apples, grass, legumes, carrots, a salt-lick and a few extra pairs of horse shoes.
Residents of Manhattan where SJP lives, will be pleased to know that if shelters become overcrowded, government officials plan to let members of the local population camp out under SJP’s giant horse head. Bob Rancidface, head of the local chapter of FEMA, says that using SJP’s giant horse head as a temporary shelter for Manhattan residents will not accommodate everyone, he is still pleased that at leased 300,000 folks will be safe and sound.
I’ll be honest though, her hair has never looked so sparkling and pretty. Must be all the oats she’s been eating.
Sex in the City, “The Dark Ages”, has started taping, and from the look of things, they have opened the crypt and released Sarah Jessica Parker from her chamber. I know when it comes to SJP, I must seem like a real hater, and truth be told, I am. I just can’t figure out the appeal of this wombat. Her face looks like it had barbells dropped on it, she has that giant sunspot on her mug that looks like the reset button Hillary Clinton tried to get that commie to press a few months back, and she’s about as sexy as Girtrude, the East German women’s weightlifting champion, circa 1962.
Maybe I’m being to harsh on SJP, maybe I’m not being harsh enough. That’s for our Lord to decide. Although I have a feeling when I get to the pearly gates, and I’m standing in front of our saviour, he’s going to look me straight in the eyes and say, “Sure, you could have led a better life, but man on man, were you ever right about that skunked-face troll SJP.”
The ‘Sex and the City’ actress admits she is finding it hard to cope in the movie industry now she is 43, but would never consider going under the knife to preserve her beauty.
I wonder what she means by *preserve her beauty*?
She said: “I feel so old and tired – I look around and everyone else seems so much younger! I buy face cream. I’ll try everything.
“Who knows if they work but I can’t help thinking the more money you spend, the better it must be!”
Face cream only works on faces that don’t look like they were beaten senseless by a 2 x 4. Truth be told, the last time I saw a face like Sarah’s, it had a hook through its mouth. And the reason why Parker feels old and tired is because she is old and tired. Hell, I feel old a tired just looking at her. My cock feels old and tired, and defeated, and abused, just looking at her.
There may be a problem with a film when a narrator constantly tells you the meaning of what you have just seen, gift-wrapping each scene with a moral.
There may be a problem with characters who shop with such conviction while the audience looks up from the trough of a credit crunch.
There may be a problem with stretching Sex and the City into a two hour and twenty minute film – it can feel like a never ending dinner party.
It sounds like the type of movie where halfway through, I reach into my pocket, pull out my 12″ buck knife and slice my own head off.
The guy that reviewed the movie admits that the women in the theatre were weeping and cheering and laughing and possibly masturbating to a picture of me, but that seems slightly unlikely.
Who shouldn’t see this movie? Anyone with less than two x chromosomes.
Who should see this movie? Bitter, crusty malcontents that have low social skillz, a thin grasp on reality, and people who say shit like, “You go girl!”
Parker, 43, has had a hard time dealing with the news that men do not find her as attractive as advertisers do, claiming the result of the Maxim poll was “brutal” and also affected her husband, actor Matthew Broderick.
Parker told Grazia: “Do I have big fake boobs, Botox and big lips? No.
“Do I fit some ideals and standards of some men writing in a men’s magazine? Maybe not.
“Am I really the unsexiest women in the world? Wow!
“It’s so brutal in a way, so filled with rage and anger.
“It upset him (Broderick), because it has to do with his judgement too. It’s condemnation, it’s insane. What can I do?
Sarah is in the first stage of denial: Anger. The other stages consist of sleepy, sneezy, bashful and finally, acceptance.
Sarah is obviously very upset at this poll, her words make The Mayor sad. Kind of like when I’m watching the Hunchback of Notre Dame and that horrible malformed creature is locked away in the bell tower and then falls in love with Esmeralda. At the end of the movie, Quasimodo thinks he sees Frollo kill Esmeralda and then flings him off the tower. Quasimodo escapes Notre Dame but later his skeleton is found hanging from the rafters in a repository of executed criminals.
Man, Sarah Jessica Parker sure is ugly.
”How the hell did this Barbaro-faced broad manage to be the least sexy woman in a group of very unsexy women and still star on a show with ’sex’ in the title?” the magazine said. In the runner-up position is the beehived singer Amy Winehouse, because of her ”openly haemorrhaging translucent skin, rat’s nest mane and lashes that look more like surgically attached bats.”
On the small screen, Grey’s Anatomy star Sandra Oh came third and Madonna, ”with a mug that looks Euro-sealed to her skull”, was fourth,
Britney Spears, took last place in the Unsexy 5.
”Less than five years ago, Britney had a python wrapped around her well-toned torso onstage at the VMAs.
“Since then, she’s lost the ability to perform, but gained two kids, two useless ex-husbands, and about 23 pounds of … pudge.”
When did Maxim become unfunny? I could have sworn Maxim use to be funny. When did they start hiring lame writers with zero sense of funny? I’m not sure who the little bitch is that wrote that article, but he deserves to be unemployed.
Even though I didn’t think it was possible for Sarah Jessica Parker to get any uglier, she goes ahead and pushes the envelope once again. I’d be terrified to be this gargoyles mirror. If I saw this creature walking through my town, I’d get some of the townsfolk together and we’d pick up pitchforks and bats with spikes through them and try to get this abomination back into the sewer where it came from.
Here’s Sarah Jessica Parker at Macy’s Herald Square, Unveiling Her New Fragrance, “Covet”. Odd title for her perfume, wouldn’t you say? If a perfume is suppose to be an extension of the person that’s endorsing it, wouldn’t it be closer to the truth if the perfume was named, “Gnarled talons”. Or, “Face like a punching bag?” Let’s face it, if you’re coveting Sarah Jessica Parker, you’ve got more things to worry about than what you smell like, you should be worried more about your vision.
No thanks, Grandma, I’ll pass on the hand-job.
What the hell did God do to Sarah Jessica Parker’s hands? It’s bad enough that he gave her a face like the remnants of something that was caught in a rat trap, but to go and give her hands like a corpse was just plain mean. It’s as if she’s trying to smuggle cooked spaghetti under her skin. By God, woman, for the sake of humanity, put on some fucking gloves. Or hockey mitts. Or don’t come out when it’s light out. Yikes.