Archive for the ‘screamin bill’ Category

Fate? Destiny? Definitely Sugary Sickness

Monday, June 14th, 2010

Here is a story that I’m sure will tickles all the various cockles in yer body:

Newlyweds Alex and Donna Voutsinas accidentally stumbled upon photographic evidence proving that both were at Walt Disney World on the same day twenty years prior.

The photo, snapped when Donna was 5, shows a man in the background pushing a stroller with a toddler inside. That man was Alex’s father, and the boy in the stroller was none other than little baby Alex.

Okay, I’ll buy that. It’s a sweet story, something magnificently coincidental. Buy let’s get beyond that for a second and try to figure out this: Who in the hell is that mascot? Jacques the Pedo?

A good rule of thumb to follow, no matter if you’re at Disney or at the shopping center;  if ANYONE dressed in a messed up beret and wearing a prison outfit tries to pose for a picture with your children, blow the rape whistle you have hanging around your neck. Scratch and scream and do whatever it takes, because you are not in a safe place.

**Woosk

Language Lessons

Tuesday, October 27th, 2009

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As part of our pursuit to bring you linguistic excellence, I present to you another edition of Language Lessons.

For those of you not familiar with this segment, I will translate a useful phrase or sentence that will help you in your travels abroad. On your next trip overseas, or perhaps to your local inner-city, you will find that having these phrases memorized – or at your fingertips, if you will – is nothing short of a Godsend.

The sentence I am about to give you will help you if you need to speak with medical personnel. If you’re in a hospital or a doctors office, or perhaps even a medical clinic, this popular sentence will get you the medical attention you need. I have found in the past it’s an indispensable sentence to memorize, and I’m sure you’ll use it over and over again in every country you visit. And here it is:

“If this itching doesn’t stop, I am going to start wasting hostages.”

Chinese: 如果發痒的這不停止,我開始浪費人質

Italian: Se questo che itching non si arresta, sto andando cominciare sprecare gli ostaggi

Greek: Εάν αυτό το να φαγουρίσει δεν σταματά, πρόκειται να αρχίσω τους ομήρους

German: Wenn itching dieses nicht stoppt, werde ich Geiseln, zu vergeuden beginnen

Spanish: Si esto que pica no para, voy a comenzar a perder a rehenes

The Mayor notices that the word *itching* doesn’t translate in every language. In case the medical professional doesn’t understand what you’re saying, I suggest you make the “scratchy scratchy” motion. It should drive the point home rather well. But be careful not to over-act, you could be quarantined with people that have polio and the likes.

Bill Clinton Loses It Over Nevada

Thursday, January 17th, 2008

According to CNN Bubba got all hot under the collar yesterday after being questioned by a reporter about the timing of a lawsuit filed by Hillary Clinton supporters in Nevada:

The lawsuit, filed by the state teacher’s union — an organization that has backed Hillary Clinton’s White House bid — came Friday, shortly after Barack Obama was officially endorsed by the Culinary Union. Culinary Union members primarily work in casinos, and could constitute the majority of participants at caucuses held at those locations.

Slick Willy always was good with a sound bite:

The question remains – would the Nevada lawsuit have been filed if the caucus locations favoured Hillary Clinton and not Barack Obama? I doubt it.


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Snuffbox Swear Song

Thursday, August 9th, 2007


CARE TO LISTEN TO A SONG THAT IS ENLIGHTENING, MOTIVATIONAL AND FUN FOR THE WHOLE FAMILY? THEN I SUGGEST YOU MOVE ON AND DON’T CLICK PLAY. HOWEVER, IF YOU’RE INTERESTED IN A SONG THAT COMBINES SOME OF THE BEST SWEAR WORDS, GETS YOUR FOOT A TAPPIN’ AND WILL MAKE YOU HATED BY ALL THOSE AROUND YOU WITHIN EAR-SHOT, THIS SONG IS FOR YOU.

BROUGHT TO YOU BY SCREAMIN’ BILL

Can I Get You Another Scotch, Senator?

Wednesday, August 1st, 2007

WHAT’S THAT, SENATOR? IT’S BARBRABIC? IT’S BRABARACK? IT’S BARACK OBAMA? FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, YOU WASHED-OUT DRUNKEN KLANSMAN, PUT YOUR DENTURES BACK IN YOUR DROOLING GOB AND SPIT IT OUT. WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TRYING TO SAY? ARE YOU TELLING ME I CAN SAVE 25% ON MY AUTO INSURANCE IF I SWITCH TO GEICO? WOW, THAT’S PRETTY BOB AND ERIC.

BROUGHT TO YOU BY THE BARBARIC SCREAMIN’ BILL

I’M SORRY FOR POSTING THIS–YOU’LL BE SORRY YOU WATCHED IT

Monday, July 16th, 2007


THIS IS ABOUT THE SCARIEST SHIT I HAVE EVER SEEN IN MY LIFE, AND CONSIDERING I USE TO PERFORM EXORCISMS, THAT’S REALLY SAYING SOMETHING. MANY OF YOU MAY THINK I’M A REAL ASSHOLE FOR POSTING THIS, YOU’RE PROBABLY RIGHT. KEEP WATCHING THIS UNTIL YOU GET TO 40SEC AND I GUARANTEE YOU WILL NOT SLEEP SOUNDLY FOR THE NEXT THREE MONTHS. MAY GOD HAVE MERCY ON ALL YOUR SOULS.

BROUGHT TO YOU BY SCREAMIN’ BILL!!!

JOHN SMEATON IS A HERO, BUY THE BASTARD A BEER

Monday, July 2nd, 2007


JOHN SMEATON SPEAKS FOR ME WHEN HE SAYS, “ARRRRGHHH AAAACK NEEEEE ACCKKKKK NEEEEEEE NEWWWWW”, OR WHATEVER THE HELL HE’S SAYING. IF YOU DON’T KNOW WHO THIS FUNKY SCOTTISH CAT IS, HE’S THE GUY THAT SUBDUED THOSE MUZZIE TERRORIST HOMOS YESTERDAY IN GLASGOW. WHEN ASKED BY REPORTERS TO DESCRIBE HIS THOUGHTS WHEN HE CONFRONTED THE TWO SUSPECTED TERRORISTS, JOHN SAID, “”WHAT’S THE SCORE? I’VE GOT TO GET THIS SORTED.”

JOHN THEN PROCEEDED TO BITCHIFY THE ISLAMIC SCUMBAGS AND PUT A GOOD OLD FASHIONED GLASGOW SHIT KICKING INTO THE “FREEDOM FIGHTERS”. GOOD FUCKING JOB, JOHN!!!

NOW THERE IS A SITE WHERE YOU CAN BUY THIS HERO A PINT. FOR YOU AMERICANS, A *PINT* IS A BEER. GO BUY JOHN A BEER, I DID AND I NEVER FELT BETTER.

HERE’S TO YOU JOHN. AAAAACKKKK NEEE NAAAAE ACKKKK NOOOOOO!!!!!

POSTED BY SCREAMIN’ BILL!

FERRET VS JALEPENO

Friday, June 1st, 2007


WATCH AS SOME SPASTIC MORONS FEED THEIR PET FERRET A JALAPENO. YA, HARDY HARR HARR, THAT’S SO FUNNY. NOW WATCH THE FERRET GO BALLISTIC TRYING TO FIND AND DRINK WATER. HARDY HARR HARR, THAT’S SO FUNNY. NOW WATCH AS I PUT HOT SAUCE ON THE END OF A SLEDGEHAMMER AND LET THESE TWO IDIOTS TASTE THE SPICY END OF MY TOOL OF PUNISHMENT. HARDY HARR HARR, THAT’S SO FUNNY. YA, WELL WHO’S LAUGHING NOW, YOU IGNORANT ARESHOLES WHO CAN’T EVEN LAUGH PROPERLY. I HOPE THE FERRET GROWS UP BIG AND STRONG AND EATS ALL THE SKIN OFF YOUR BONES, NO-LIFE JAGOFFS.

BROUGHT TO YOU BY SCREAMIN’ BILL

How To Feed 100 Dogs at Once

Wednesday, April 18th, 2007

THE THING THAT AMAZES ME MOST ABOUT THIS CLIP IS THAT THE GUY USES THE EXACT SAME TECHNIQUE TO FEED HIS 100 DOGS AS I USE TO FEED THE 100 FRENCHMEN I HAVE LOCKED AWAY IN CAGES IN THE SEWER BELOW MY HOUSE. I SAY, “HEAR FRENCHIE, COME EAT SOME SHIT”. AND THEY DO, BECAUSE THEY’RE FRENCHMEN. I NEVER HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT THE FRENCHMEN STANDING UP TO ME OR TRYING TO ESCAPE BECAUSE…WELL, I TOLD YOU WHY, THEY’RE FRENCHMEN.

BROUGHT TO YOU BY SCREAMIN’ BILL

The Zimmers "My Generation"

Saturday, April 14th, 2007

IT HAS BEEN SAID THAT YOU ARE NEVER TOO OLD TO ROCK AND OR ROLL. I ALWAYS THOUGHT THAT WAS BULLSHIT, I ALWAYS THOUGHT THE CUT-OFF AGE FOR ROCKING AND OR ROLLING WAS 57, BUT WHAT THE HELL DO I KNOW? ONE THING I DO KNOW THOUGH, IS THAT THESE OLD FARTS REALLY GIVE ‘ER IN THIS CLIP AND SHOULD BE COMMENDED, AFTER ALL, THEY ARE SO OLD THEY SHOULD BE SITTING IN A WHEELCHAIR, LOOKING OUT THE WINDOW AND DROOLING, NOT PARTYING LIKE IT’S 1799 HAHAHA

BROUGHT TO YOU BY SCREAMIN’ BILL!

WOMAN—WHOOOOOOAAAA MAN

Tuesday, April 3rd, 2007

THE WOMAN IN THIS SHORT CLIP IS TOO FUCKING STUPID TO LIVE BUT I SUPPOSE GOD IS MERCIFUL AND HE LETS EVEN THE DUMBEST BRICKS BREATH MY AIR–WHY DOTH THOU MOCK ME OH LORD? ANYWAY SHE’S AN IDIOT AND HER HELL IS ON EARTH HAHAHAHA

TYPED WITH FOUR FINGERS BY SCREAMIN’ BILL

THOSE BEARS ARE A BILLION TIMES BETTER THAN THE CHICAGO BEARS

Wednesday, March 28th, 2007


HOLY CRAP ON A STICK…THOSE BEARS ARE FREAKING ME THE HELL OUT I’VE NEVER SEEN ANYTHING LIKE THAT IN MY WHOLE LIFE AND I’VE SEEN JUST ABOUT EVERYTHING LIKE THE TIME I SAW ALIENS COME DOWN FROM A SPACESHIP AND ABDUCT MY BUDDY’S GIRLFRIEND AND MADE ME HAVE SEX WITH HER WHILE MY OTHER BUDDIES WATCHED AND SMACKED A ROLLED UP NEWSPAPER OFF MY ROCK-HARD ASS…OHHHH THE PAIN OF THE MEMORIES THANKS FOR NOTHING HAVE I MENTIONED THAT THOSE FUCKING BEARS ARE FREAKING ME THE FUCK OUT?

BROUGHT TO YOU BY SCREAMIN’ BILL!!!